To be told it wouldn't be good to go for an afternoon meal with my 6 week old

[Coconutbug]

Its my friends birthday next week and she wants to go out for a Sunday roast. The place she has chosen has a children menu.
She has just text me to ask if I'm coming because they need to put down a deposit.
I haven't seen any of this group of friends since before baby was born through one reason or another. None of them have children.
I have a 6 week old exclusively breast fed baby and I said yes I can come but will need to bring baby and pram.
Her response I'd love to see you and meet baby but I don't think that will be good because it's an upmarket place.

Granted it is quite fancy but if it has a children's menu it doesn't make me think twice about taking a baby.

AIBU???

breastfeeding mothers should be celebrated

Formula feeding mothers though, they can fuck off.

Formula feeding mothers though, they can fuck off.

No one is saying that. As you well know.

lauriemarlow

It was a sarcastic comment, as you well know, because that poster said breastfeeding mothers should be celebrated and there is no basis at all for limiting her ridiculous comment to mothers who wish to and are able to feed in the way she approves of.

because that poster said breastfeeding mothers should be celebrated and there is no basis at all for limiting her ridiculous comment to mothers who wish to and are able to feed in the way she approves of.

It’s nothing to do with approval, as you well know also.

I presume she mentioned bfing because a) the OP is bfing and b) it is often harder to leave a bfing baby of that age for a short period than a bottle fed baby.

Why is this being made about breastfeeding? It's got fuck all to do with that.

OP's friend clearly wants an adult only meal, absolutely fine, doesn't make her a bitch or vile or any other ridiculous insults that have been thrown her way. If I was having a birthday meal and invited a friend, new baby or no, I have invited my friend. One person.

If OP can't go due to ebf then that's perfectly fine as well. They can make alternate arrangements. Friend is throwing a fit or demanding OP come, she's extending the invite instead of automatically assuming OP won’t go - not 'having it both ways'. 🙄

A baby or child in general changes the dynamic of the outing. Doesn't matter if your little darling always sleeps, this could be the day they decide to shit up their back or projectile vomit all over the wine cooler. Who knows? Who wants to take that risk on their birthday? OP's friend, that's who. And ffs shock, horror if the woman wants to be the 'centre of attention' kind of the point, isn't it? To lavish someone on their birthday and make a point that this day is for them. Not them plus a baby.

Not everyone likes children or babies. Fact of life and that's fine. Doesn't make them monsters because they don't want to coo over your crotch goblin. I say that as a parent of 3 crotch goblins.

lauriemarlow

No, no. Her comment wasn’t about being able to leave or not leave the baby. It was about “celebrating“ a mother, which is a totally separate issue. The word “celebrating” has a meaning which has nothing to do with being able to leave a baby.

I believe all women, childfree for whatever reason or mothers of children fed by any means are equally as valid. I really disliked the comment about celebrating breastfeeding mothers.

But as it happens, many mothers of breastfed babies can leave them as has been said by such mothers on this thread. Many mothers of bottle fed babies can’t because the baby is distressed to be away from them. My nephew was bottle fed but only had a bottle from his mother - he would refuse for anyone else.

This is not about breastfeeding it’s about whether a child free person has to have a baby along to her birthday whether she likes or not.

Most upmarket places I know of don’t do kids menus, or for that matter serve Sunday roasts.

The Ritz? The Dorchester?

@LucieeMorningstar I agree so much with your post. OP needs a wake up call

YANBU in needing to bring your ebf baby out with you. Your friend doesn’t want you to bring your baby to her birthday meal and is in that ‘I don’t have children, I don’t appreciate how difficult it is to not bring a baby who’s entirely dependent on its mother for food and therefore life, out with me’ phase. Just wish her well for her meal and don’t go. On the grand scheme of things, you’re really not missing out. Plus, your baby is now a major part of your life and this means that the dynamics of your friendships need to adapt to accommodate that (certainly for now when your priority is your baby’s needs) and if friendships can’t adapt to that, then it’s time to let them go and move on. We’re talking about a little baby asleep in his/her pram whilst you get some much needed friendship time in. But if that’s too inconvenient for your friend and will piss on her birthday parade, it tells you a lot about her. She says she really can’t wait to meet your baby, but has she been in touch these last 6 weeks to actually make a plan to meet your baby?! My best friend (and bridesmaid at my wedding) ghosted me as soon as I said ‘I do’ and couldn’t even bring herself to say ‘congrats’ when I had my baby. I’d been so accommodating and had always been there for her and she just ditched me with no explanation. The big changes in my life meant sod all to her, so that was an important lesson learned. Honestly, you’ll not miss much by not going.

It is bizarre that any adult has this need for attention and validation. Adults making a fuss of their own birthdays is ridiculous.

I don't think that's fair either. It's not really about attention or validation. It's about having some stress free fun around a celebratory occasion and a lot of things babies require are not conducive to stress free or fun. Also, whilst nobody needs that, it's OK to want that.

Me: Apparently [assuming husband can feed and care for baby for a few hours] makes me a bitch?

57Varieties: "Not but it does make you a bit clueless/narrow minded"

Clueless I agree with, because why should I know the intimate feeding habits of a baby?

But "narrow minded"?
That's a new one, nicely lobbed with an air of totally misguided superiority!

Hi OP you’ve been given a hard time on this thread considering this is supposedly a parenting site
I think you have done exactly the right thing in declining and inviting your friend over for cake at your house on another occasion. It’s probably not worth going into the ins and outs of why leaving baby at this stage could affect your supply and make you unwell as lots of people are sadly freaked out by bf and won’t listen.
And don’t listen to the haters with their ‘talking about babies is boring’ crap. If they are your friends they should be interested in your life, and that includes hearing about your children. Of course any single topic done to death is boring - but I could say the same about my friend who competes in triathlon - but I don’t cos she’s my friend.
Hope they get themselves round yours soon.

'LucieeMorningstar I agree so much with your post. OP needs a wake up call'

Quite

Captain, so by your logic just because I'm friends with someone I have to find every aspect of their life interesting? Balls to that.

I have a friend who drones on about her job as a book binder. She goes into detail about making said books, their sizes, page thickness, the difference in spine sizes etc This topic to me is boring as shit. I listen, nod, make polite comments and then we draw the conversation in a different direction. I'm not going to outright tell her it's boring or I don't want to talk about it, like OP's friend doesn't want to outright say the baby isn't invited, but at the same time I don't have to enjoy it just because she's my friend.

Same goes for babies. Shitty nappies, 'smiles' that are mostly gas, actual gas, night feeds, bleeding nipples, sore boobs, birth stories. Not a topic of conversation I want at my birthday dinner while trying to enjoy alcohol. Some people might find this interesting and some might fake interest. Doesn't mean they're not friends.

'Same goes for babies. Shitty nappies, 'smiles' that are mostly gas, actual gas, night feeds, bleeding nipples, sore boobs, birth stories. Not a topic of conversation I want at my birthday dinner while trying to enjoy alcohol. Some people might find this interesting and some might fake interest. Doesn't mean they're not friends.'

You've just totally reminded me why I only ever went to one 'baby group' in my whole life

And with the best will in the world if you rock up with pram and baby everyone would feel they had to do the token 'faux interest'

I presume she mentioned bfing because a) the OP is bfing and b) it is often harder to leave a bfing baby of that age for a short period than a bottle fed baby.

Thata not what was said the phrase was 'breastfeeding mothers should be celebrated'

Why the need to single out breastfeeding mothers for celebration?

OP, still may not have wanted to leave her 6 week old, even if she wasnt EBF. Or she may have felt comfortable, even though she is ebf.

The woman wants an adult only birthday. She hasnt made this decision because OP is breast feeding.

That comment was just the usual bullshit from people who think breastfeeding makes a woman some sort of deity.

‘I don’t have children, I don’t appreciate how difficult it is to not bring a baby who’s entirely dependent on its mother for food and therefore life, out with me’

I know you mean this as a derogatory comment but yes, that’s exactly what OPs friends’ life is like. She doesn’t have children for reasons that are entirely hers, she shouldn’t have to justify wanting a child free event for her birthday. Perhaps she just thought that the OP may want a break and was trying to do something nice for her without knowing how difficult it would be.

The OP has rightly suggested she arrange something else for her friends to meet the baby. I’m sure this will suit everyone much better.

Not wanting a baby a certain life events does not make you the Antichrist or a terrible friend. I had a child free wedding, no regrets at all, people were free not to attend if this offended them.

Most six week old’s sleep all of the time but given your friends do not have children, they probably think your baby will cry the whole time and ruin the party. You may have to find better friends.

YANBU - your friends will cringe once they have children and realise how they acted.

I'd leave the friendship for now, let it drift without falling out, I bet you all drift back together once they have children.

‘You may have to find better friends’

This is terribly judgemental. My best friend is child free (has a career that’s not compatible with a family and loves it), I’ve known her since we were 5 years old, she involves herself with my children a lot but she also plans lots of parties and holidays that don’t involve my children. Sometimes I go, sometimes I can’t. It’s no big deal. Why should she have to accommodate my children in all her plans??

I'm also dismayed by the breast feeding comments and the attacks those posters are making on what could well be other mothers about not understanding it etc

It's very sad to see women attacking other women like this. Someone even posted that unless you've ebf you're not even allowed to respond, someone else posted that women who haven't done it is why breastfeeding is perceived so poorly etc, it's just horrible.

Supporting breastfeeding mothers is admirable, but when it gets to the stage you start viciously attacking random women, other mothers, over something as silly as a thread about a friend wishing an adult only lunch it becomes very sad to see.

What, Oppo, are you both actually serious? The friends will realize they're acting 'cringe' and dial back the friendship all because said friends don't want a baby at a drinking birthday lunch? Are you that absorbed with children/babies that you couldn't possible concede that some people (with or without children) don't want a 6 week old at an adult lunch?Friends or not they don't HAVE to want it. And that's fine.

I have kids and I relish my girl's only lunches. If someone else decided to bring their kid to a birthday lunch or a kid free lunch I'd be pissed. Because it doesn't matter if your sprogs sleep all the time. People don't have to want them their. The fact that they are there changed dynamics. Others are not the antichrist for not wanting that.

*there

Sounds like she's being a bit of a dick though by not just saying she doesn't want the baby and hiding behind

Not really, it’s her birthday after all. Maybe you are a bit of a newmumZilla? Maybe she thinks you will take over her birthday with your new baby?

Do you have previous for wanting to be the centre of attention?

Calling her a dick makes me think you’re not that good friends anyway tbh.

Sounds like she's being a bit of a dick though by not just saying she doesn't want the baby and hiding behind

Again, that was me who said that. OP was quoting. And I do still think she's being a dick for not being honest.

I also don't think that at any point OP has suggested crashing the party with her baby for that it is unreasonable for someone to want a childfree birthday, just that the method of communication has been off. Which I still think it was.