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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be told it wouldn't be good to go for an afternoon meal with my 6 week old

739 replies

Coconutbug · 03/11/2019 17:30

Its my friends birthday next week and she wants to go out for a Sunday roast. The place she has chosen has a children menu.
She has just text me to ask if I'm coming because they need to put down a deposit.
I haven't seen any of this group of friends since before baby was born through one reason or another. None of them have children.
I have a 6 week old exclusively breast fed baby and I said yes I can come but will need to bring baby and pram.
Her response I'd love to see you and meet baby but I don't think that will be good because it's an upmarket place.

Granted it is quite fancy but if it has a children's menu it doesn't make me think twice about taking a baby.

AIBU???

OP posts:
CallItLoneliness · 04/11/2019 06:02

Another example of breastfeeding women can't fucking win. OP is physically unable to leave her child for the length of the lunch right now. So many women on this thread saying she is unreasonable to take baby, but if she had asked if she should decline, it would be "make an effort to get there, the world doesn't revolve around you just having a baby". So in effect, the world only revolves around childfree people, and those of us with kids should be the ones to fit in--to the point of not having our kids around in our own houses! Mumsnet, last bastion of support for mothers Hmm.

Also, blaming it on the venue isn't tactful, it's cowardly. If any friend doesn't want my kids around for a celebration, that's finebut it would piss me off if they were unwilling to own that. Might be a cultural thingI'm a kiwi, and we're more direct down here, but there you go.

And before you all bash me as one of those people who insists their kids be allowed everywhere and never disciplines them--nope, I'm the person demanding an inside voice on public transport, asking if the invitation includes kids (fine if not, we have an excellent sitter) and whose best friends are childfree. Because, you know, we care about each others' lives.

Anotherlongdrive · 04/11/2019 06:08

@CallItLoneliness lots of people have said she should just decline.

She doesnt want to/cant leave her baby.
The friend doesnt want kids there.

So that leave OP a choice. Go or not. Not going is perfectly valid. But ip is upset she cant go.

Unfortunately, when you have kids, you may not have or be able to afford a great sitter. Which means, that sometimes, you dont go.

I didnt go to my brother 30th. Because I didnt have a great sitter. My, then, husband had to work and couldnt get it off (it was short notice) and it was at a bar in our city centre which is popular with stag partys.

Not the place I will be taking my 4 year old. I wasnr upset at the friend (who didnt have kids) for organising it there. Dbro didnt have kids either.

So I missed it. Not a big deal. I would have liked to have gone. But I had a child. That was my decision.

Manicpixiedreambitch · 04/11/2019 06:30

I'm amazed how hostile everyone is being to the OP. Six weeks is peak cluster feeding time, so not am easy time to leave a baby.

I imagine your friend thinks your baby will be crying and demanding of your attention, when actually many babies at that age are just quietly feeding and being held.

Potnoodledoo · 04/11/2019 06:30

I'm sorry but let's not beat around the bush. If you are breastfeeding it is still a choice whether you leave your baby for a few hours or not. We live in an age where electric breast pumps are for this very reason.

No,not everybody can pump.I couldnt.I bf 5 babies,i left my kids for a few hours here and there.But i understand not everyone wants babies at a birthday lunch.I passed up invites because you cant go to everthing wiht small kids.

JenniR29 · 04/11/2019 06:34

‘The level of distain aimed at a woman who wants an adult lunch for her birthday, is really quite odd.’

This ^

I have two kids, my choice, I don’t expect anyone else to enjoy their company or be thrilled if I show up with them. If my friends want an adult meal that’s up to them, I either arrange childcare or I don’t go.

I don’t throw my toys out of the pram and call them selfish, say they are a dick or accuse them of making it all about them. My friends are pretty direct when it comes to the whole ‘kids welcome/kids not allowed’ thing though.

Sadly OP I think you are learning the hard way that having children means making sacrifices. I’d love to go to all the social events I’m invited to but I have kids so I can’t.

Applesanbananas · 04/11/2019 06:38

Yabu op, this was clearly meant to be an adult meal. it's not guaranteed that your baby will be sleeping and quiet. Or wont make a massive poo and have you trying to change etc. Also faffing about with bf at the table and then with the big pram- just a big no. Your friends dont have kids so they wouldnt understand any of the normal stuff that goes along with it. Dont push the issue, I really think you would feel out of place anyway with being the only one with the baby.
I think your friend was being polite in blaming the venue.

Tennesseewhiskey · 04/11/2019 06:40

I'm amazed how hostile everyone is being to the OP.

Has everyone been hostile to the OP? A few have. Some believe she just needs to not go, but haven't been hostile. Some have been very supportive.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 04/11/2019 06:41

I totally agree that the OP just shouldn't go, and should be polite about it, but the nastiness with which people are talking to a woman who is 6 weeks postpartum is awful

ferntwist · 04/11/2019 06:45

A lot of posters on this thread who clearly don’t have babies yet. Why would the pram be left next to the table? It will either be folded up and put away or just wheeled away, there will always be somewhere it can be stashed.

ferntwist · 04/11/2019 06:47

Since having a baby I’ve realised how little I even noticed babies before. I can certainly never remember one ruining a meal at a restaurant. Especially not a tiny little six-week-old. We were all babies once. Babies should be allowed everywhere. Only then will women achieve liberation.

StreetwiseHercules · 04/11/2019 06:47

“ If not on her birthday (or wedding), what occasion could be all about them??!”

It is bizarre that any adult has this need for attention and validation. Adults making a fuss of their own birthdays is ridiculous.

ferntwist · 04/11/2019 06:47

And if you haven’t ebf a baby yet, don’t bother commenting. Sorry.

Lottelupin · 04/11/2019 06:49

I wouldn't have taken my six week olds to a birthday lunch in a restaurant. Just because of the noise, atmosphere, etc and I wouldn't have been able to be part of the lunch properly, and yes because it would just have sounded a bit exhausting. Also yes having the pram and baby maybe needing attention/feeding would change the dynamic of the lunch a bit. And take the attention away from the birthday girl.

Having said that, if my friend had been up for coming with her baby I'd have been totally fine with it. Maybe she's worried about crying and you feeding in public.

Either way, she's got a vision for her birthday lunch which doesn't involve a baby, which is I guess her prerogative. Also, as I say, personally I wouldn't have wanted to take such a young baby out to a boozy lunch.

I would have looked into someone looking after the baby and expressing some milk or saying I might not come in time and for all the lunch, so you could feed and then come when baby sleeping. Maybe a bit impractical though?

So I'd say go alone it don't go.

Lottelupin · 04/11/2019 06:49

Go alone OR don't go.

ferntwist · 04/11/2019 06:50

Breastfeeding mothers should be celebrated, babies should be celebrated. Luckily my baby spent her early months in Southern Europe, where babies at restaurants are welcomed. Babies are treated as a joy and a gift in public and everyone wants to say hi, then the conversation moves on. So much healthier. My baby blossomed and started smiling and saying hello very early.

ferntwist · 04/11/2019 06:53

Lottelupin Did you miss the bit where OP said her baby was breastfed and six weeks old? That means you tuck them under your arms and they come everywhere with you. I fed my baby under a little light scarf. Never had any hassle, barely ever any tears, lots of smiles wherever we went. Babies are not contaminated and mothers should not be ostracised. Babies fed on demand barely make a sound anyway a lot of the time.

JenniR29 · 04/11/2019 07:05

Argh the breastfeeding mafia are involved now 😂

AnyMinuteNow · 04/11/2019 07:07

I couldn't exclude a friend because she had a new baby.

I'd want my friends with me, because they're my friends, good friends don't make such conditions.

I'd feel vile excluding a woman just because she'd had a baby and would love for the baby to be welcomed to the birthday lunch!

Do people not love babies. A good friends baby is part of the friendship group.

These people don't sound like good friends though as you've not been on touch since before having your baby.

They're not part of your close circle and want to exclude your baby.

I wouldn't bother with them, and would ignore further requests for deposit.

Crimson72 · 04/11/2019 07:07

The sad fact is your friends have very little in common with you now.

When someone has a baby, all their former interests don’t just go up in a poof of smoke. Of course they’ll still have lots in common with their friends, unless the entire friendship revolves around getting drunk or going clubbing, to give two examples.

Breastfeeding mothers should be celebrated, babies should be celebrated. Luckily my baby spent her early months in Southern Europe, where babies at restaurants are welcomed.

I agree with this - it’s a much nicer/healthier attitude.

MarthasGinYard · 04/11/2019 07:08

'Do people not love babies. A good friends baby is part of the friendship group.'

What a load of Bollox Grin

Crimson72 · 04/11/2019 07:09

Do people not love babies. A good friends baby is part of the friendship group.

I don’t love babies to be honest, but I would never exclude a friend for having had one. It just feels wrong and a bit mean to me.

JenniR29 · 04/11/2019 07:10

Don’t be ridiculous AnyMinute! No not everyone loves babies. You shouldn’t be forced to invite friends with babies if that’s how you feel.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 04/11/2019 07:13

On one hand: "friends should be coming round immediately to meet a new baby"

On the other: "keep yourselves private so you can bond. Reject all visitors for several weeks/months"

Hmm
BuzzShitbagBobbly · 04/11/2019 07:16

Tbh, if I invited a friend to a birthday meal, I'd expect my friend. Not friend plus baby or toddler or husband or whoever. I'd have invited them if that was the case!

Second, I'd also assume she could feed the baby before leaving and husband could care/feed it if necessary while she was out. I'd have no idea she needed to have the baby on her hip 24/7, why should I?

Apparently that makes me a bitch? Confused

JenniR29 · 04/11/2019 07:20

@BuzzShitbagBobbly yeah, I would have been the same before I had kids, I’d have had no clue about the practicalities of bringing a baby out to lunch. Nor would I have known if that baby was going to cry and ruin my meal etc. My 12 week old would def cry and ruin your meal so I don’t bring her out much.