Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To be told it wouldn't be good to go for an afternoon meal with my 6 week old

739 replies

Coconutbug · 03/11/2019 17:30

Its my friends birthday next week and she wants to go out for a Sunday roast. The place she has chosen has a children menu.
She has just text me to ask if I'm coming because they need to put down a deposit.
I haven't seen any of this group of friends since before baby was born through one reason or another. None of them have children.
I have a 6 week old exclusively breast fed baby and I said yes I can come but will need to bring baby and pram.
Her response I'd love to see you and meet baby but I don't think that will be good because it's an upmarket place.

Granted it is quite fancy but if it has a children's menu it doesn't make me think twice about taking a baby.

AIBU???

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 03/11/2019 23:12

I know that the world doesn't revolve around me and my child.

Yet you're disappointed when your child-free friends don't want your baby there or your child interrupting their adult conversation. The problem is that your world does now revolve around your children (quite rightly), so if you're there with them, your friends aren't getting your attention. Accept that your life is now different and that your friends don't want your children around as much as you do! Nothing wrong with this btw. It is what it is.

TheCraicDealer · 03/11/2019 23:17

I have a five week old- I wouldn't expect to bring her to someone else's celebration unless the invite was extended to include her. It does change the dynamic and focus of a meet up when someone has a baby there, and not all of them can be relied upon to nap quietly in a pram [gives DD side-eye]

I've been asked to a leaving do for a friend/colleague next week and even though it's definitely not going to be a mad or boozy one, I still wouldn't assume I could bring the baby.

Csleeptime · 03/11/2019 23:28

Most people can't leave a 6 week ebf baby, they want mum and booby....in some cases every 30 mins all day (speaks from personal experience). Don't see issue with 6 week going anywhere quite frankly, never seen it change a dynamic as they don't do anything. There we go thougj, is say they aren't very close friends

HiJenny35 · 03/11/2019 23:43

This friendship is over. Personally I couldn't be friends with someone so pathetic that as an adult they need their Birthday to be all about them. Your friend has no idea or doesn't want to take into account that your life has changed now, she hasn't even made the effort to meet baby, sadly the friendship won't survive this. Cut your losses, wish them a nice day but explain that you can't make it, forget it and move on.

57Varieties · 04/11/2019 00:00

Loving the mummy martyrs who can’t possibly leave their babies for five minutes, and the stealth boasting about breast feeding I think we’re all supposed to be in awe

I didn’t BF my kids at all and I was out without them way before they were 6 weeks old. I can still llll outside my own experience to understand that some mums do BF and you have to “come as a unit” with a BF baby for a few weeks/months at least

Aridane · 04/11/2019 00:04

Personally I couldn't be friends with someone so pathetic that as an adult they need their Birthday to be all about them

If not on her birthday (or wedding), what occasion could be all about them??!

Elbowedout · 04/11/2019 00:14

This is basically a child free wedding situation but for a birthday. The same principles apply. It is the friend's event. She gets to decide where and when it is and who she invites. The potential guests get to decide whether they go or not. As long as everyone remembers whether they are the inviter or the invited and respects the other's decision then there really shouldn't be a problem. The OP isn't being unreasonable not to want to leave such a young baby, but nor is the friend being unreasonable to prefer an adult only birthday meal. They just have different priorities at the moment. A strong friendship with survive that. However, if one or both of them can't accept that then maybe it means the friendship has run its course. That is always a bit sad, but it does happen as we go through different phases of our lives and it isn't the end of the world.

57Varieties · 04/11/2019 00:16

If not on her birthday (or wedding), what occasion could be all about them??!

Is it normal for grown adults to feel that way about birthdays? A wedding yes is a one off (hopefully!) but birthdays, who gives a shit about being “the centre of attention”?

Aridane · 04/11/2019 00:21

Well, clearly the OP's friend does? And crashing her birthday with a lovely newborn is clearly going to disrupt that

CheeryB · 04/11/2019 00:34

I don't think I'd have wanted to go out with a large group of women friends when my babies were 6 weeks old. Most of my friends, for a birthday meal would have been drinking, I obviously wouldn't, plus I'd be constantly distracted by baby's needs. Mine wouldn't have slept through in a large group of women + prosecco. I went out with friends to a cafe or shopping or they visited me at home. It wouldn't have occurred to me to take a tiny baby to a friend's birthday bash.

57Varieties · 04/11/2019 00:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CheeryB · 04/11/2019 00:45

but birthdays, who gives a shit about being “the centre of attention”?
I'm not sure it's about being the centre of attention. Most of my friends like a few drinks on a birthday do in a nice restaurant. It sort of feels wrong to be getting merry on vino round a tiny baby. I don't mean falling over drunk, just getting that nice relaxed buzz. Maybe it's just my maternal instincts on overdrive. But a group of women getting tiddly is no place for a baby. I wouldn't have taken mine as I'd imagine others feel the same and I wouldn't want to change the dynamics. Which it would.

Josette77 · 04/11/2019 00:52

I think it's perfectly fine to not want a baby at her birthday.

As far as their impatience with your dd. On the one hand they were rude, on the other hand when I have girls over to my place it's always after bedtime. Most of my friends are mum's although a few aren't, but we always wait until the kids are in bed so we can properly visit. If it's a playdate that's different. But a proper catch up, I don't even want my own kid around.

Whoops75 · 04/11/2019 01:03

I would have tried to make a friends birthday meal or part of, maybe had dh nearby with the baby.
My dd was ebf and if I sat under her for a long feed she would stretch for over an hour.
Come at the end of the meal for coffee & cake. Friends being important works both ways.

My child free friend and I have a 5 min relationship/kid catch-up at the start of the meal and the move swiftly on.

I love catching up with her, we’re a break from the norm for each other.

WagtailRobin · 04/11/2019 01:25

Is there distance involved? I'm only wondering because it's a bit strange that in 6 weeks none of these friends have met your little baby. You were clearly prepared to make the effort for the birthday girl's celebration but from what you have said it doesn't seem she has made any effort to see your new arrival.

The venue isn't the issue, the issue is your friend doesn't want you to bring the baby!

Kiwiinkits · 04/11/2019 01:49

Babies CAN be left. I don’t think this constant attachment stuff is healthy for mothers. It’s too much. The world doesn’t stop if you leave your baby for a bit. Example. When my second baby was six weeks’ I helped my government negotiate a high profile $90million contract. DH had the baby for a few hours with a bottle of breastmilk. Big deal, nope, just another day in the juggle. All things are possible if you want them to be possible.

JenniR29 · 04/11/2019 04:35

Your friend clearly wants an adult only birthday but doesn’t want to offend you by saying that explicitly. It’s her event, she’s organised it and you should respect that. Before I had children that’s how I would have wanted it to be honest. Babies change a group dynamic. You could arrange a more informal meet up if you want them all to meet your baby.

I also don’t think it’s that unreasonable they haven’t seen the baby yet. You have no idea what else they have going on in their own lives. Being child free doesn’t automatically mean you have lots of free time.

Perhaps join a baby group so that you have some friends who understand your needs for now. You don’t have to abandon the old group and they probably won’t abandon you, it’s just your needs and priorities are different from theirs at this moment in time.

shrutefarm · 04/11/2019 04:47

I have left him during feeds so I'm not feeling anxious about that. However I have an oversupply at the moment and prone to mastitis, as I wouldn't be able to express for missed feed

Perhaps people could read op's posts instead of continually telling her to express and leave her baby just because it worked for them.

Op I have to agree that a friend who hasn't bothered to pop in and see you and your baby after 6 weeks isn't a great friend. I would distance myself from this particular group. It's completely fair enough not to be interested in children or babies but you're a person too. You deserve to be asked how you're going and have an interest shown in your life.

ferrier · 04/11/2019 04:48

Some babies can be left. Others get extremely distressed.
Back to the op .... apologies for not reading the whole thread, but you should explain to the host why you can't come, which will give her the opportunity to change her mind about the baby if she wants to. If not, maybe invite her over to yours for wine/snacks/movie/alternative birthday celebration/whatever. If she declines you know the friendship has run its course.

Anotherlongdrive · 04/11/2019 05:19

The level of distain aimed at a woman who wants and adult lunch for her birthday, is really quite odd.

Hannahmates · 04/11/2019 05:29

YABU. Your friend doesn't want the baby at her birthday celebration.

Piglet89 · 04/11/2019 05:40

The last experience I had of inviting the girls over, every time my daughter spoke, understandably interupting conversation at points they kept saying 'ssh, be quiet, were talking etc' and didn't try to engage with her atall.

What age is your daughter? It is understandable that small children interrupt adult conversation as they don’t know any better yet. What is not understandable is some parents’ refusal to teach them that it’s not the done thing and they should wait for a suitable break in conversation to say their piece. If you’re not trying to instil this at all, I can understand why friends might get irritated, to be honest.

user1480880826 · 04/11/2019 05:44

It’s not upmarket. It has a children’s menu ffs. She’s being ridiculous. You can’t just leave a breastfed 6 week old baby at home for a few hours.

AntCrawley · 04/11/2019 05:54

@Coconutbug

Exactly! How this became a debate abouy
T going out without kids in general idk.. its about a specific scenario and some people are makibg it a feminist issue ffs

Anotherlongdrive · 04/11/2019 06:02

It’s not upmarket. It has a children’s menu ffs.

Are you saying no upmarket places do kids menus?

Also as said they may offer a kids menu. Doesnt always mean its suitable for children or that everyone going there must invite children to come with them.