To be told it wouldn't be good to go for an afternoon meal with my 6 week old

[Coconutbug]

Its my friends birthday next week and she wants to go out for a Sunday roast. The place she has chosen has a children menu.
She has just text me to ask if I'm coming because they need to put down a deposit.
I haven't seen any of this group of friends since before baby was born through one reason or another. None of them have children.
I have a 6 week old exclusively breast fed baby and I said yes I can come but will need to bring baby and pram.
Her response I'd love to see you and meet baby but I don't think that will be good because it's an upmarket place.

Granted it is quite fancy but if it has a children's menu it doesn't make me think twice about taking a baby.

AIBU???

@StrawberryGoo I think you are right!!

I'm sorry but let's not beat around the bush. If you are breastfeeding it is still a choice whether you leave your baby for a few hours or not. We live in an age where electric breast pumps are for this very reason.

It isn’t always that simple - some babies won’t take bottles, some mothers can breastfeed but can’t express, the OP’s baby is only 6 weeks old so she may still be feeding her DS extremely frequently and/or her milk supply may not be established to the extent she feels comfortable expressing and skipping feeds yet. Plus breastfed babies use the breast as their primary form of comfort - they don’t just feed out of hunger.

@Coconutbug So jealous - definitely enjoy it while you can!

I don't think it's fair to call birthday friend a dick.

She has invited a number of people to an occasion, none of whom seem that enthused about babies or children. If she allows OP to bring the baby she runs the risk of people cancelling and either making arrangements to catch up individually, in which case she doesn't get the group meal she wants, or she rearranges and doesn't invite the OP, which I think most people would agree would be more dickish.

Blaming the restaurant is a white lie and I think forgivable. Nobody likes to be told their child isn't welcome, as this thread shows.

@AdultFishcakes
Totally agree with this
''Now a birthday meal might not be the best thing but in the fog of new parenthood you’re often desperate to keep reminders of the “old you” close.''

It's your friend's birthday party. She doesn't want children there. Either accept that or don't go. It's her event, not yours, so while it's OK to ask (if it hadn't previously been specified) whether you can bring your baby, it's up to her to choose whether or not she wants other people's babies/kids at her birthday party.

So this is a 5 minute posh dinner is it, executivefiat ?

@returnofthecat I sent a further message to her after about doing something else even if it was just cake and tea at mine to celebrate! So fingers crossed for good response

Some adult women act like spoiled brats.
I can’t understand why she thinks the baby might steal her limelight.
How insecure.
If it was my birthday, older children wouldn’t really be welcome, but if my friend had a newborn, I totally understand newborns and their mums come as a package. And no way would I exclude my friends.

Yanbu. She is.
But all you can do is decline based on the need to stay with your tiny baby.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland that still doesn’t mean you can’t socialise - the OP is choosing to spend no time away from her children, that’s her prerogative. But if you’re keen to hold on to a large group of friends who don’t have children/don’t want children/don’t like children/clearly aren’t interested in your children - basically a group of people who you don’t actually have anything in common with anymore, then it’s the OP who needs to comply a bit , it’s not the rest of the group that should have to accommodate and change its dynamics to fit in with her. As well as this, you can have more than one friendship group - these ladies sound like the type of casual friends you go out and have a laugh with. Since having my DS I’ve created other friendship groups with mums I’ve met through baby groups, so I’ve still got plenty of people to socialise with - having a baby opens a new and different scope for socialising, there’s really no need to sit at home all alone breastfeeding for six months because you’re childfree friends don’t want to play with you anymore and even with my newer group of ‘mum’ friends we’ve arranged child free meals so we can let our hair down a bit and not be interrupted in our conversations by crying/nappy changing/spitting up/having to say ‘no don’t touch that’ every five seconds. Having babies and children around really does change the atmosphere and dynamics.

@crustycrab

PlasticPatty why is the op inseparable from the baby? She could go for the meal and leave the baby at home

6 wks old, ebf, will be at the breast constantly and suckling every 20 minutes or so. That's why she and the baby are, rightly, inseparable, and will be for some time.

I don't know if someone else has suggested this OP, but could your DP/ willing friend/relative come with you and have the baby in the pram in the bar area or take baby out for a walk so you can feed if needs be? At least that way you get to be included.

It's hard socialising with friends who don't have kids, I ended up losing all of mine when I had my DD.

They do say the UK is one of the least child-friendly countries - and reading this thread it’s not hard to believe!

Great post @AdultFishcakes

Most people might like to have a friend bring their baby, especially when they're quiet and portable. She sounds like she won't be much of a friend to you the next few years OP, so you might as well not bother now. Take your DD for a lovely lunch with some other (real) friends and enjoy yourself.

Has anyone considered that this poor friend of OP's may be struggling with infertility/conflicting feelings about not having children herself? She may not want the baby there as it's a painful reminder for her and she just wants to enjoy her birthday lunch.

Imagine it the other way:

'I'm having a booze girls lunch for my birthday, only friend with children just had another baby, I've invited her but really can't deal with seeing baby right now because of infertility issues I'm experiencing that would upset me and I just want to use my birthday lunch to forget.

Friend said she will come but needs to bring baby with pram etc. I tried to politely say the restaurant wasn't suitable but she replied saying it is as there's a children's menu. I really don't want to upset friend by telling her I don't want to see the baby but also really can't deal with the baby being their or talking to her about the real reasons why I don't want it there as it's too upsetting.

How can I get this across politely, without upsetting her or delving into issues I don't want to discuss?'

I would have also expected to take my 6 week ebf baby with me in your position.

However I'd have got rid of them when they told my dd to 'shhh...' how date they!!!!!

And why should you not be able to talk openly and freely about your precious children- all our friends talk a bit of shit at times but friends listen. They sound like a stuck up bunch of assholes and I'd tell her to piss off.

Nows the time to join baby clubs as there's plenty of mums wanting to meet and be friends. I met 3 really close friends back at baby groups who are lovely genuine friends.

'Nows the time to join baby clubs as there's plenty of mums wanting to meet and be friends.'

How terrifying

She thinks you’re baby will steal her birthday limelight!

Sounds like she's being a bit of a dick though by not just saying she doesn't want the baby and hiding behind what she thinks venue might or might not like

Disagree

Friend is tactfully deflecting, expecti g you to take the hint that the occasion is not baby friendly - rather than explicitly and perhaps hurt fully saying don't bring your newborn

If it was my birthday, older children wouldn’t really be welcome

Doesn't that make you a spoilt brat?

OP if this friend is one you've known for 10yrs, she has the right to have her wishes and feelings respected. She has invited you out of courtesy, however you are breastfeeding so are unable to go. It would seem that by inviting your child along too, she now doesn't want you there either.
It's difficult when a crowd of friends start out young, free and single, and then move on to relationships, buying homes, having children etc. The dynamic of the friendships change. You've obviously decided to settle down and start a family and that's what works for you. The sad fact is your friends have very little in common with you now. They don't seem to want to feature in your life socially, and don't want to see/ meet or engage with your children. I have many children in out household, I love my DC/DSC dearly, but there's no way I'd want to take them to friends parties when it's all adults. Maybe find some mummy friends that you'll have more on common with at this stage in your life. Being the only mum in the group you're in doesn't make you very appealing either at home or birthday celebrationwise. You're just going to have to accept that invites are going to be very thin on the ground for the foreseeable future at least.

Are all 6 week olds constantly at the breast? My brother was breastfed; my mother managed to go out shopping without him being constantly attached. My 4 were breastfed and slept for hours between feeds. My daughter's 2 were the same.

@Coconutbug Keeping fingers crossed for you. At least you'll know where you stand after this.

It really isn't being a spoiled brat to want to spend your special occasion the way you and most of your friends want as opposed to spending it how one other person whose special occasion it isn't wants.

OP and birthday friend can catch up another time. No big deal.

I'm sorry but let's not beat around the bush. If you are breastfeeding it is still a choice whether you leave your baby for a few hours or not. We live in an age where electric breast pumps are for this very reason.

I really hate this attitude that pumps exist so a woman is somehow being awkward for the sake of it if she doesn't use one. Lots of women find pumping very difficult. I don't think anyone finds it enjoyable. In my experience 'can't you just pump some milk?' is almost always said by men and women who haven't breastfed.