Child Maintenance: When does it stop

[1stTimeMama]

Wasn't sure where to post this, so please redirct me if needs be.

We pay CMS for my husbands son. He turned 20 in October, but is doing a level 2 BTEC at college. The CMS gave us an end date of the 1st October, but his Mum has been in touch today chasing her payments, and has said we are to pay until 1st November 2020.

As far as the internet tells me today, payments cease when the 'child' turns 20, regardless of if they're in education, and when they are no longer eligible for child benefit, also 20.

Could anyone please confirm where we now stand with payments please? We will of course call CMS as soon as possible, but we'd like some kind of answer sooner.

Are you meant to finance your children for life? Help and support yes but not monthly contributions? When is the cutoff?

My son is doing a level 3 BTEC, he spends 3 days a week in college so potentially has at least 2 days a week that he can work part time (which he does). I think it's reasonable to be paying maintenance until at least the course is finished - he is still living at home and someone will be paying for his food, clothes, roof over his head etc. The ex's outgoings for him haven't suddenly stopped just because he's turned a certain age.
Asking him to work a couple of days a week to pay for his own social life, clothes and extras isn't unreasonable but a part time wage on minimum hourly rate isn't going to allow him to make up the shortfall of maintenance.

Or parent her own child and expect them to adult at an appropriate age?

Or parent her own child and expect them to adult at an appropriate age?

Why do you only expect the mother to parent him?

Everybody on this thread going on about how a 20yo still in full-time education (presumably trying to improve his long-term career prospects as he works towards independence) is an adult (true) and should also be getting one of these magic jobs that anybody can get at 20 that pays enough to completely support yourself instantly makes me think of the Daily Mail articles where they fall over themselves to describe a mother of 9 young children as 'jobless' and 'unemployed' throughout.

I'm also thinking about the Harry Chapin song, Cat's In The Cradle, but with supporting your child financially instead of (or maybe as well as) by spending time with them. How would this young man's father react if, in spite of having no paternal support, he managed to become very comfortable financially and then, if his elderly pensioner dad asked if he could maybe help him out with a few things, he sneered and refused to help another adult with money on principle?

I may be wrong, but I think a lot of NRP project their hatred of their former partners on to their children. Instead of understanding that they're simply paying for their child before they've had a chance to become financially independent, as all parents should do as a matter of course, they begrudge it as though their ExP has found some kind of loophole to keep getting money from them for themselves. It's an appalling state of affairs when any parent will reject their own child as a way of getting back at their ExP.

Sounds like the mum has done all the parenting. Or grandparents?

I don't expect the mother to parent alone. I was responding to the comment where it was suggested that if the OP's husband left she would expect grandparent help. Given that they didn't finance her when she became an adult I hardly think she would expect them to finance her children!

I don't expect the mother to parent alone. I was responding to the comment where it was suggested that if the OP's husband left she would expect grandparent help.

Right, but why no suggestion From you that their father should parent them and teach them how to “adult”?

OP, as you've seen, the MN first wives club pounce on these threads. Ignore the ridiculous. You're the arse and the poor mother and any of her children can do no wrong. Your children and family should go without, as long as the adult your DH is the father of can maintain his handouts. Age 20. In case one of them hasn't piped up with it already, this is all your fault because you knew he had kids when you met him, and the other pearler that's always pedalled..."OP, were you the other woman???" Now get in the bin Cruella.

Ok, now that's dealt with, you can look at the genuine responses.

There's a huge difference between the support of your parents once becoming an adult, and paying for a 20yr old adult who chooses not to work the same you would a 9yr old totally dependent child, to live day to day.

No, at twenty, if he chooses not to work and to do a college course, this is not down to DH to finance. Should my son choose at twenty, to still live at home, with a college course for 2/3 days a week, he's got the rest of the week to get a job to contribute to his life as an adult!!! Why should he be exempt at 20 for having to take any financial responsibility for himself?

If he needs occasional expenses, books, materials, then ad hoc, I'd have no problem paying directly for those things. But to just handover (estimate here as you say it's hundreds a month) £150 a week to a grown 20yr old who doesn't want to get himself a job? Please

You can't blame the ex. She's just going for what she can get. Why give a flying fuck that your children might go without so DH can finance this work shy adult. And this is the way it should be according to the first wives club. The children don't matter. Unless it's a first wife child. That child, and solely that child matters. Yours are second class citizens, and it's ok for them to be disadvantaged and left with whatever crumbs remain. You must give her child every consideration whilst she happily watches yours suffer to the contrary. So of course if there's money for her to still take, don't expect anything less. God forbid she tells her adult son to take any accountability for himself.

If the son chooses as an adult not to financially support himself, it's not down to DH to pay for another adults living expenses.

This adult needs to take responsibility for himself.

My parents are going to buy (me) my forthcoming DC their pram. That's lovely of them, and normal parental support because I'm an adult. I think the last time they "supported" me was about 5 years ago, they treated me to a canteen of cutlery. What's not normal is demanding an entitlement to £150 a week, every week, because I don't fancy working and, well, they should pay for me. Because genetics.

@courtney555 yeah, you know it all!

My ex pays nothing for our DS who is 20 and at Uni. My DS has a loan for fees and I’ve paid for accommodation. There is no way his loan covers all costs so I support him, because he is my responsibility.
Of course he should also be his father’s responsibility.

My ex got the best part of £300k settlement from me in the divorce but apparently can’t afford to help out his son. He has a job and no other kids (as far as I know) but does have a hefty bar bill to support.

My DS has had holiday jobs and that money has also gone towards some of his uni costs - but he couldn’t afford to go there without me. I’m happy to help him but I don’t see why it all falls on me.

If he had struggled educationally and was still doing a BTEC I would still be helping him, while encouraging him to find part time work. This is what being a parent is.

The reason this thread chimes with me is because the OP, like my ex, thinks all support suddenly stops (in this case at 20, in mine at 18). But life isn’t like this, it’s a gradual process.

Because the situation I was responding to was one where the husband was not present. Of course the father and mother should both parent! This does not mean that either parent should finance an adult indefinitely!

Well said, Courtney.

This is an adult we are talking about not a child. Some very silly responses.

Why do you only expect the mother to parent him?

This is getting more and more nuts!

Since when does a 20yo adult need someone to actively “parent” them?!

Fuck me. He’s not in full time education. He’s not at university and needs help with accommodation. It’s what, 3 days a week? Why can’t he get a bloody job like every other adult?

No one is answering at what age do you stop paying them? What if he lives with his mother forever? What if he chooses to study indefinitely? Should CMS continue as long as he lives at home?

Fuck that for a joke.

I'm sure someone else has spotted that the stepson's Mum has always lived at home (bar 6m) relying on her own parents for food & housing ..... how on earth this is being ignored I don't know.

It certainly doesn't bode well for the stepson; he's clearly not being brought up to try to achieve financial independence from that side of the family.

My ex pays nothing for our DS who is 20 and at Uni. My DS has a loan for fees and I’ve paid for accommodation. There is no way his loan covers all costs so I support him, because he is my responsibility.

Actually, you choose to be this level of financially responsible for a 20yr old adult. What you choose to do to support your adult son is your call. You're not entitled to expect other adults to support this adult because you choose too.

Of course he should also be his father’s responsibility.

Or, how about his own responsibility? You need to be instilling in your adult son that he's accountable for himself, not directing the accountability at someone else. If his odd holiday jobs don't fund his lifestyle choices at twenty and you decide the thing to do is fund him yourself, then cool. Doesn't mean you get to tell others to fund this fully grown adult though, when he's perfectly capable of working more than in the holidays and funding himself. Like everyone else has too.

Of course the father and mother should both parent! This does not mean that either parent should finance an adult indefinitely!

Absolutely. Being a parent does not mean bankrolling a work shy adult. Enabling a twenty year old to live off parental handouts instead of taking accountability for themselves, is not doing anyone any good. My son would happily go to college 2 days a week, and sit on his lazy arse for the other 5 if I was giving him £150 a week and he still lived at home! If I wasn't voluntarily bankrolling him, and he lived in uni accommodation, he'd soon get a part time job. Because he'd have to in order to live. And eat. Like everyone else does.

@courtney555 I guess you don’t have a son or daughter at uni at present! His “lifestyle” is very modest - my DS is not a party animal. The loan still would not cover rent! There is a big gap, partly because I fecklessly have a job with a good income and the loan is adjusted according to that. My marriage broke up when he was in his first year and my ex and I had agreed to help support him. But my ex now conveniently forgets that.

This is today’s British education system. I was lucky enough to go to uni too and in my day fees were paid and there was a grant. My grant was the minimum because my parents both worked and they funded me. I also had holiday jobs. I was overdrawn and didn’t manage money very well because I didn’t have enough. After uni I got a job within two months, I have never been overdrawn since and left home at 22. But if my parents hadn’t given me a good start life would have been harder and I am paying the favour forwards.

This isn’t a 40-year-old, the OP’s stepson is 20 and clearly not very bright. He will get there if he has the right help.

Ha! I got my head bitten off on here for suggesting at an 18 year old was perfectly capable of getting a train to a uni open day without her mother. I find the way some parents baby their adult children weird and unhelpful to them. No twenty year old needs actively parenting and if they do, something has gone very wrong.

There is a reason that children legally become adults at a set age. It's because they are adults. Whether a parent disagrees that their child should take / is ready to take responsibility for itself is neither here nor there really.

But the son isn't getting the maintenance. His mother is.

How could he possibly earn enough, while studying, to pay rent, tax, utilities, food, transport etc? Let alone 'extras', like clothes, shoes. And ''luxuries' like phone, internet and a social life.

And as his father doesn't see him, do we know what he's doing to support himself at all?

Yes but adults who could not afford uni without a parental contribution. Fact.

He's not at uni.

My friend's son is at uni. He can't afford accommodation, so he chose a uni close to home and commutes. He works a part time job and pays (albeit nominal) board to his parents. He's not a party animal, he's a very studious and polite young man. Who's pulled his big boy pants up and taken responsibility for his choices, not gone "But I want to live in Leeds university halls of residence" whilst his parents to foot the bill. And if they did, that would be their choice not their adult offsprings entitlement.

There is a reason that children legally become adults at a set age. It's because they are adults. Whether a parent disagrees that their child should take/is ready to take responsibility for itself is neither here nor there really.

Nail on the head. Choosing to still treat your adult offspring as a child is down to the individual parent. It's not then your right to demand the same stance from the other parent. You're not some kind of martyr or better parent because you choose to bankroll them and someone else who has zero obligation to because they are an adult doesn't. Arguably you could take the stance that the parent not bankrolling the now adult, is actually doing them a favour by not being an enabler. Taking accountability and responsibility for yourself as an adult should be encouraged. Not excused.

He's not at uni.

Quite! He's a grown twenty year old living at home going to college a couple of days a week. And quite importantly, so does the mother. The mother and the adult son live with the grandparents because the mother has lived at home her whole life (bar 6mths). There's barely any living expenses for either of them, and she still goes after child maintenance for this twenty year old work avoiding man.

The children don't matter. Unless it's a first wife child. That child, and solely that child matters. Yours are second class citizens, and it's ok for them to be disadvantaged and left with whatever crumbs remain. You must give her child every consideration whilst she happily watches yours suffer to the contrary

Hahahahahaha! You should try being a first wife or the child of a first marriage. I am not aware of any first children that get special treatment. The majority get nothing financially - that's a fact if you look at CMS statistics. I have financed my ex's relationships and new family for years by the simple fact that he pays absolutely £zero maintenance. I am hardly the only person in that position.

@courtney555 Arguably you could take the stance that the parent not bankrolling the now adult, is actually doing them a favour by not being an enabler.

Yes and my children, when fully independent adults with degrees, won’t be “enabling” their dad to get any extra comforts when he’s pissing his pants in a care home. Works both ways.

He can't afford accommodation, so he chose a uni close to home and commutes.

All well and good if there is a uni close by that also does the course they want. My ds is doing a course that is only available 200km away. My dd's friend is doing a course that is only available 200km or 220km away. He chose the one with cheaper accommodation costs.

Many areas do not have a uni nearby or do not have a uni that offers the course they want. Should these adult children be denied the opportunity to study at uni at all or denied the opportunity to do the course they want to do simply because they are over 18?

Obviously some parents cannot help financially and that is a very different situation but to simply deny them help because they are over 18 and should be 'adulting' is, to my mind, failing in your parental responsibilities.