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Original poster

Child Maintenance: When does it stop

249 replies

1stTimeMama · 03/11/2019 11:39

Wasn't sure where to post this, so please redirct me if needs be.

We pay CMS for my husbands son. He turned 20 in October, but is doing a level 2 BTEC at college. The CMS gave us an end date of the 1st October, but his Mum has been in touch today chasing her payments, and has said we are to pay until 1st November 2020.

As far as the internet tells me today, payments cease when the 'child' turns 20, regardless of if they're in education, and when they are no longer eligible for child benefit, also 20.

Could anyone please confirm where we now stand with payments please? We will of course call CMS as soon as possible, but we'd like some kind of answer sooner.

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 03/11/2019 12:16

Wow your husband sounds like a peach. I'll help my kids if they need it and I'm able for my whole life.

mintcorneto · 03/11/2019 12:17

My husband and I are both working adults in our 30s and our parents still help us out now and again! It's what good parents do. You and your husband don't sound particularly pleasant

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 03/11/2019 12:17

what is so surprising?

Surprising? Who is surprised? This is a very common attitude amongst people who don’t actually raise their children. They have no idea of the reality of the cost of supporting them.

Do adults not support themselves now?

Some do- some stay in education a bit longer so they can have better long term prospects. As a parent- that’s something to support and encourage. For most decent parents anyway.

DC3dilemma · 03/11/2019 12:19

This utter bullshit is why children of separated parents are chronically disadvantaged in life*.

*exceptions will exist

The (usually) man leaves and sees maintenance as some kind of obligation to an ex-partner, rather than his child and counts down till it’s legally stopped not wanting pay a penny more.

Compared to parents who are together (commonly, admittedly not always) accepting that their child needs support until the end of full-time education, perhaps even beyond given the cost of living today.

I’m not saying people should stay together, but that both parties should accept the long term financial commitment. I expect that the non-resident parent rapidly loses touch with the true cost of raising children to adulthood.

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 03/11/2019 12:20

We are raising our children to rely on themselves and be competent humans

How old are your children?

mintcorneto · 03/11/2019 12:22

Out of interest, are you planning on cutting your other children off financially as soon as they hit 20 too? I'm assuming if they keep living with you past that point you will charge them their equal share of all bills, including the mortgage from the first day following their 20th birthday?

DontLettuceBrexitLettuceRomain · 03/11/2019 12:25

what is so surprising? Do adults not support themselves now?

He's 20 and doing a GCSE level qualifaction. It doesn't sound like he is able to support himself yet.

But of course your 'DH' gets to wash his hands of him and leave his mum and GPs to pick up the slack.

Wildthyme · 03/11/2019 12:26

So you'll not mind your husband not paying maintenance when he dumps you and your children eh.

Tistheseason17 · 03/11/2019 12:27

This is quite interesting..

My parents were not divorced but I had to get a job and was working from 14 years old to get things I liked... My parents were not evil and I know that money does not grown on trees... or parents

Original poster
1stTimeMama · 03/11/2019 12:27

I typed a long post in defence on my husband, but I don't need to defend him to people who don't know him. Anything I write now, will just seem like drip-feeding. So, thank you to the replies that answered the original question, I appreciate it.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 03/11/2019 12:29

How much has he being a father to his son?

maddening · 03/11/2019 12:31

How much was he paying monthly?

LittleTopic · 03/11/2019 12:32
Hmm

I mean, I thought I was, but I wasn’t ‘adult’ at 20.

My Dad agreed to pay for me and my brother until we finished full time education. I was a mature student and finished at 24. He paid until then. My brother is 25 and doing a postgrad. He still gets money. Yes we were both adults (and had jobs and paid our own way) but he made a promise and stuck to it. That’s the kind of parent I think I’d like to be...

I don’t think we live in a world where you turn 18 and wander off to be entirely self-sufficient any more.

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 03/11/2019 12:33

Is it all support you plan to remove from your children when they hit 18 OP? What if they need a hug when they’re 21? Should they be emotionally independent at 18? No more support from mum and dad? Or a lift? What if they need a lift somewhere? No lifts after 18? Or maybe they’re not sure how to deal with a tricky work situation at 25? Can they ask you for advice or are they just completely on their own from 18?

Or is it just financial support you will withdraw? Hmm

(I can guess the answer)

Greencustard · 03/11/2019 12:35

My husband and I are both working adults in our 30s and our parents still help us out now and again! It's what good parents do

This is such bollocks. What about parents that can't afford to subsidise their adult children? Are you saying they're not 'good parents'?

I would think the right thing to do (not the legal thing) would be to keep contributing until the child has finished full time education

Child? At 20?

BlessedBeTheFruitCake · 03/11/2019 12:37

If he wants to stop the CMS maybe pay his ds the money directly instead, then he can buy clothes, college supplies etc?

cheers4nothing · 03/11/2019 12:37

Do adults not support themselves now?

I do but I relied of some support from my parents during uni.

Were you fully financially independent at 20, op?

MyCatHatesEverybody · 03/11/2019 12:39

If he's 20yo and doing a GCSE level course then presumably he's had a break from education at some point in which case child maintenance would have stopped then, or he's spent 3 academic years since his GCSEs not settling on the course he wants to do until now. IMO it's reasonable that 20yo is the legal cut off point for someone in further education although parents should continue to support their children beyond this if appropriate.

I'm guessing there's a back story as to why your DH no longer wants to support his son.

MissMarks · 03/11/2019 12:40

Vile attitude.

TSSDNCOP · 03/11/2019 12:41

I think this falls into the “just because it does, doesn’t mean it should bucket”.

Yes, DSS could get a job and support himself. But it’s his son. If he were mine and still in school I’d be paying until he finished.

I work with two women who’s CSM got pulled dead on the nose. They obviously knew it was coming but it’s still a lot to lose when the DC are still at home and can't yet work full time.

MRex · 03/11/2019 12:46

@1stTimeMama - by all means don't put a "defence" of your DH, please consider his attitude instead. Good parents want to ensure their children reach their full potential; that might be a trade, a profession or just being grateful that they can hold down a job that pays the bills. The way you have phrased your posts does not indicate wanting the best for your DSS, it indicates wanting him to not be a financial responsibility any longer. If there was anything important to drip-feed, you might have written "DH is worried that DSS won't apply for part-time jobs we've suggested to him, he's doing a BTEC but we're concerned there won't be a job path at the end of it." Can you see the difference in the type of response and help you might have got? Can you see the difference in parental attitude? So don't defend your DH, because you know very well what his real attitude is and it's simply not how a good father behaves. As you have children with him, it's in your interests to teach him how to step up and be a good father, then when your kids get older he'll have a better idea of how to help them.

Original poster
1stTimeMama · 03/11/2019 12:47

I have said earlier in the thread we will support them however we can, but we won't carry them financially if they are capable and able to do so themselves. We have 2 sons with SN, they may or may not cope as well as our others in certain situations, but may excell in in different areas. All support will be offered as, when, and if they need it. Emotionally, physically and financially if they are incapable, unable and we are in a position to do so. Parents help when and if they can, my own, especially my Dad, is very old school, and it was up to me to sort out my life after school. This isn't to say he hasn't had my back in times of need, but I've lived my life making my own mistakes, dealing with them, and moving on, knowing they are there for me in the background. Children are always your child, but there has to come a time when they're seen as an adult, and expected to take on their life choices themselves.

OP posts:
Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 03/11/2019 12:47

A level 2 BTEC will be at most 3 days a week in college so at 20 I would expect him to be working at least part time along side his studies.

As to whether or not the father should voluntarily still pay until the course is finished then I think a lot depends on why the son is still doing the gcse level work at 20.
Pissed around for 3 years would be different that someone who has had health problems preventing study until now.

OhTheJoys1 · 03/11/2019 12:48

Am I the only 18 year old that actually worked part time and went to college/uni to pay my way? I even managed to buy my first car at 18, it cost me £700, and took a year to save for, I also paid my mum £180 a month for rent.

why on earth are parents supporting their grown adult children without an effort from their children to at least pay their own way?

My husband is from a very wealthy family, he got given £1000 when he went to Uni and paid his way from that moment on, he used to get given money for Christmas and birthdays until he was 21 and that is all.

If you have the money to help out then great, after all life is expensive, but why are you suddenly a crap parent if you expect your adult child to begin supporting themselves?

My poor mum spent years financing me, contributing to my own living expenses is the least I could do.

'Children' are spoilt theses days and parents are not teaching them how to be well adjusted, functioning adults.

from123toabc · 03/11/2019 12:50

One parent should not be left solely responsible for the child.
Legal states the minimum, what is morally right is a different matter.

Why should your husbands ex be the only one financially responsible for their son while he is in full time education.

His son is a person not a bill- he still needs feeding. I guess if your husband has issue with paying money to his ex maybe e could come up with a new arrangement to support his child directly.