Child Maintenance: When does it stop

[1stTimeMama]

Wasn't sure where to post this, so please redirct me if needs be.

We pay CMS for my husbands son. He turned 20 in October, but is doing a level 2 BTEC at college. The CMS gave us an end date of the 1st October, but his Mum has been in touch today chasing her payments, and has said we are to pay until 1st November 2020.

As far as the internet tells me today, payments cease when the 'child' turns 20, regardless of if they're in education, and when they are no longer eligible for child benefit, also 20.

Could anyone please confirm where we now stand with payments please? We will of course call CMS as soon as possible, but we'd like some kind of answer sooner.

Op - does your husband have contact with his son?

I'm guessing the answer is no...

The reason being a 20 year old doing a level 2 course is more than definitely likely to have SEN. The reason I say this is because post 16 funding finishes after three years unless you have an EHCP.

Maintenance is not generally given directly to the DC to spend as they please. It is used to pay towards day to day living.

Even if your husbands son got a job, it's likely to be for a few hours per week minimum wage. Yes, this wound give him some pocket money, but it's unlikely enough to pay towards household expenses.

Ideally your husband would meet with his ex, confirm the situation and support his son until he is in a position to work full time. If this is not possible then come to an agreement to reduce payments over the next few months, to give them both a chance to make changes.

I am confident once your own DC are this age, you will have a very different viewpoint and expectations of your husband.

Yes I googled to check, I thought that had changed. Still can't claim if a student

I worked and lived out of home from 17 - studying medicine full time. No parental or government income support.

I’d like to make things a bit easier for my own kid, personally.

@1stTimeMama
Still not answering the questions...

Does your DSS stay with you?
Does he see his father?
Has his father discussed the future with his son?

This thread is utterly astounding. I’m beginning to see why so many adults can not cope with normal stresses and responsibilities of adult life. So much pearl clutching at someone not wanting to support an adult!

To all those saying the mother still has to support him, what thread are you reading? The OP said the mother never moved out of home, Sounds like it’s the grandmother who’s the only responsible one.

What age does it stop? He could study or do part time courses for the rest of his life, is it still the parents responsibility to pay for that? I could pick up a part time course tomorrow, should I ring up my parents and tell them they have to pay CMS?

Totally bonkers.

This thread is utterly astounding. I’m beginning to see why so many adults can not cope with normal stresses and responsibilities of adult life. So much pearl clutching at someone not wanting to support an adult! I completely agree! He's not 16, he's 20. Not even "borderline" adult!

@Thehouseintheforest I am obviously the devil incarnate!

I'm relieved to see the thread has levelled out a bit.

To answer a few questions:
He lives at home, with his Mum, and her parents. They have never moved out, apart from 6 months where she did, to be with a partner, leaving him with his grandparents. They are a wealthy, long time retired couple, and he is their only granson.

Someone said I was suggesting he leave Uni to get a job. He is doing a BTEC at a local college. He has done 4 different subjects in the last few years, and this is his 2nd attempt at this one, giving it up previously. According to today's text, he also plans to do a degree, in another unrelated subject, once this has finished. The current one is actually in a profession you can enter at 16, which when he chose this originally my husband asked why he didn't just actually go in to the job, but he never got an answer. Some posters have suggested the constant courses may be for the continued financial support, which doesn't seem too unrealistic.

He may be from a 'broken home', but it wasn't my husband who broke it. Women can do wrong as well. There is no relationship between my husband and his son, despite the lengths he has gone to. I could go in to the almost 20yr back story, but people have already made up their minds that my husband is the one in the wrong, about just how awful we are, so I don't think there would be any advantage.

@Dollymixture22 I absolutely didn't have a difficult childhood, and I'm not sure what I wrote that makes you think that?! I was very lucky, but was raised to stand on my own two feet. I've made mistakes, and dealt with them, and moved on, all the while knowing my parents are there in the background if and when I need them.
Interestingly, my brother was treated very differently, allowed to take a gap year after failing his A levels, which turned in to 10 years, not having to pay anything toward the household, and finally moving out in his 30's, only to return a few years later to 'save for a house'. Which my parents then paid the deposit for. I know which option I'd chose for my children.

Reading some of the responses here is disheartening. I’m glad my parents had the sense to state that support payments needed to continue until I finished university.

I apologise. You seem so angry about children being supported by their parents and state you were not.

Your latest post talks about your brother being supported to do a gap year (a very common occurrence) and you then seem pleased that his life didn’t work out. it seems unfair you parents supported him and not you.

If your step son isn’t putting the effort in at college then I agree the payments should stop. That would have been useful information earlier in the thread though.

Why is the Mother bothered about "her" payment ?

but was raised to stand on my own two feet

Does being supported by a husband count as that nowadays?

I feel for the boy, no relationship with one parent who appears to be counting down the days to cease child support.

Wow Icecreamandcandyfloss that's quite a nasty insinuation!

Do we know that the OP is 'supported' by her husband ?
Do we know if she is working outside the home or providing housekeeping and child care for HIS children? Such a typical sneery remark aimed at someone because they are a step mother !

If there was no 'step' element here then there would be no issue of 'support' . We have hopefully become more enlightened these days and assume the sahp role is one that has equal value to those WOTH .. and is a matter of choice for the couple and indeed , depending on the age and cost of childcare, a matter of economic sense for the couple .
Shocking double standards !

YANBU. Education or not it has to stop at some time. He could continue studying indefinitely!

So the mum does support him and you don't have contact. The only bit of support he got from your DH over the years were some £££ nothing else. Nothing else.

They are a wealthy, long time retired couple, and he is their only granson.

what has this got to do with that fact that your husband doesn't want to provide any kind of support for his son?

To be fair, OP has been quite sneery about the boys mother living with her parents. She has focused on how wealthy they are, which is not relevant to whether her husband contributes towards expenses.

OP has also been very sneery about anyone who is financially support beyond the age of 16. And has thrown up the story of her brothers failed gap year as if it means that everyone who takes a gap year goes on to have a wasteful life.

There was a huge amount of drop feeding on this post, it took a long time for OP to explain why the step Son was still in education. It is also clear from the posts that OP does have a high opinion of this bloke or his mother.

Some step parents are wonderful, I just don’t think lady has demonstrated any warmth or family feeling about this young man in any of her posts,

So it’s fine to leave a retired couple supporting this young man rather than his dad? Great sense of responsibility! It shouldn’t matter whether the grandparents are rich or poor, we are talking about whether his dad will help him to get launched into the world.

which when he chose this originally my husband asked why he didn't just actually go in to the job

Of course he did! 😂

No it's not for the grandparents to support the adult grandson. He can support himself. He is planning a degree after this (perhaps 4 if history repeats!) and then what a masters?? How long are his parents meant to support him? Indefinitely?

It’s virtually impossible to get a good job without a degree these days - the chance to work your way up from the bottom barely exists. And it’s virtually impossible to do a degree without some financial support from parents. The exception is if you are in a very low income household and get a full loan - which of course will need to be paid back! So the people with the best chances are those with the most supportive parents. Having kids normally entails a financial commitment.

Yes, legally there is no obligation to pay maintenance but morally there is! This young man needs to eat, somewhere to live and clothing. He could pay for some of that with a part time job while studying but with his low educational achievements so far he’s not likely to earn enough to just leave home.

Anyway, no need for the dad to worry, the grandparents will take up the slack as it sounds like they’ve been doing for years. You do realise CMS money is not enough to cover the real costs of raising a child, don’t you?

You know if I had been prevented from seeing my son for 20 years (the implication OP makes) then I’d be doing all I could now he was an adult, and not under the control of his mother, to try and forge some sort of relationship. I’d be taking him out for a pint, dinner, a football match, whatever and getting the conversation going about his career plan and then seeing if there was any advice or practical advice I could give to help him do well on that path. Could I get him some work experience in my company or with a contact? Could I help him get set up in a houseshare? Could I help pay for driving lessons so he could find a part time job? I wouldn’t be sitting sneering about his plans to do a degree and tell him to just go get a job so I didn’t have to pay what is undoubtedly a measly amount of financial support to him. It should just so alien a concept to me that a parent would be so openly hostile to their child who, despite slow progress, (and we don’t know why that is-OP doesn’t either) is actually attempting to do something with his life. If it was me I’d be finding out what the cause of slow progress was and seeing what I could do to ease that part of his struggle.

A level 2 course won’t give him enough points to get into university so it will be another 2 years on a level 3 course and he will need a grade a above a standard pass to have the points needed. As he is now 20 the level 3 course won’t be funded so someone will need to pay.
If he does the level 3 gets the points and gets a university place he will then be around 26 by the time he finishes and then maybe a masters?
How long do you expect him to be supported. When is he going to be adult enough to pay for his own choices/lifestyle?

Why do you suppose that the grandparents are supporting the grandson? The mother may be paying the way for both her and the grandson. The costs of running a house will certainly be less split between 3 people than a single parent running a house on their own.

If the course is part-time (or even full time in some circumstances - a lot of 16 year old have a part-time job!) there is no reason why the adult cannot work.

Depending on his circumstances he may be eligible for an adult access course which is 1 year and could get full funding for it. But again- we don’t have any idea of his circumstances.

Will you stop financing your SN sons too at 20???? I doubt it

what will you do OP if DH leaves you and runs off with another women, having children with her, not helping out with your sons other than paying CMD and stops paying support at 20 even though your sons are not financially independent?

Oh, I have an idea. Let your parents pick up the tab!