Child Maintenance: When does it stop

[1stTimeMama]

Wasn't sure where to post this, so please redirct me if needs be.

We pay CMS for my husbands son. He turned 20 in October, but is doing a level 2 BTEC at college. The CMS gave us an end date of the 1st October, but his Mum has been in touch today chasing her payments, and has said we are to pay until 1st November 2020.

As far as the internet tells me today, payments cease when the 'child' turns 20, regardless of if they're in education, and when they are no longer eligible for child benefit, also 20.

Could anyone please confirm where we now stand with payments please? We will of course call CMS as soon as possible, but we'd like some kind of answer sooner.

That is to say, as a parent I would financially support the lad and give him money, but into his hands.

For him to pay his mother for his expenses at home? Or is she’s just to suck up that cost?

Millicent- exactly my point- doesn’t seem like he has had the easiest of times.

Op it sounds like you had a difficult childhood.

My parents supported me until I finished uni at 22. I had part time jobs to pay for the extras but they clothed and fed me and helped out with books etc.

Will you stop clohing and feeding your other children at twenty? Tell them to move out of fully cover their costs?

I think you sound quite harsh. However, if you really feel your husband has no moral obligations to his on, then I just hope all children in the family are treated the same.

The cm amount which no doubt reduced when the op and dickhead dad had further children.
Another example where the kids from first relationships are disadvantaged.

The cms legal amounts are a pittance to start with, then they get cut because new children are added to the new family. So unfair and of course it disadvantages the children of the breakup.

Then stopping at 20 when the young adult may still be in education. Of course it matters but op doesn't care as she will pull them up by their bootstrap and they are all snowflakes nowadays anyway.

Not to mention that there aren't enough part time jobs for the qualified, yet alone the unqualified teen who has to find hours around college.

1stTimeMama
OMG don't you know the RULES ?
Have you learned NOTHING from your time on MN... ? I think you need a refresher..

1. As a 'step mother' YOU are ALWAYS wrong especially in regard to any question relating to (or affecting your ; -

1a) family finances. b) husbands dc from former relationship. c) expecting adult children to be adults.

Further more . If you have then committed the foul sin of having children with this sorry excuse for a man who has left his wife and child/ren (the first wife is always a paragon of virtue btw and is always entirely blameless in a marriage breakdown) then you would have compounded that sin and are therefore without doubt ;-

Appalling
Vile
Cruel
Heartless

Money also plays a huge part because your DH should NEVER of dreamt of procreating with you until he had paid maintenance until any first children are at least 40 .
You can expect your own children to have part time jobs from 14 (as mine all have) but you may NOT expect this of a step child. You are an obvious harridan for expecting that your family money can be used to support children now and not adults.

To suggest a 20 yr old get a job is just another example of how horrible and unrealistic you are.

Hope you now understand the parallel universe of MN where money is plentiful , adult kids can fuck around for years doing part time college (BTEC is 2/3 days a week max) at parents expense and never be expected to learn any form of self reliance. ..

I think two issues are being conflated here OP, should your husband's son get a job part time while studying, yes. He should use that money to socialise, clothe himself, pay for his own phone bill, travel, maybe driving lessons, save some and so on. The money your partner gives to the mother of his child who is still in education is to feed him, keep a roof over his head, pay a small amount towards utilities etc.

Out of interest how much does your dear husband pay for his son a month?

If the dss mother does not expect him to get a job at 14 then the father having a different opinion (maybe old or new, who knows?) because he is now married to stepmother does disadvantage the dss.

If his parents were still married and if his mother and father had agreed that they support their children to end of education then he disadvantaged by the stepmother having a different opinion, even if she applies this to her own children as is her right.

The das would never have had this applied to him had his parents not broken up. Just thinking about what thehouseintheforest
Said.

Because no you should not expect this of a stepchild. The stepchild is subject to what his parents originally wanted for him not the new ways and opinions of the stepmother.

Dss not das.

I work in fe and it’s quite common for parents to keep their children in education to keep claiming benefits. We call them bouncers. They bounce from one course to the next. Some parents are quite brazen about this.
Having said that there are genuine reasons for doing a L2 at 20. Such as a trade course that makes you start from L1 regardless of exam results.

And people should not procreate unless they can afford the children they already have, remarried or not.

To procreate and take food and money from the first children is selfish. But hey it's an everyday occurrence . So who cares?

And I'm not talking about job loss, illness, disability in regard to procreating.

I'm talking about having 2nd and third families, knowing the pot gets ever smaller but not really giving a damn about the children.

If I split with DH I'd expect him to support them to 25

I think some of the comments about you being nasty are unnecessary!
Your husband shouldn't be paying maintenance per se. I'm sure if his child approaches him directly for support, he'll help him out, but there comes a time when they need to learn to fly!

OP how much contact does your husband have with DSS? Is he part of your family? The way you talk about him is so distant. Like a stranger that's a financial drain.

Guaranteed if OP had written this as if it was her own 20 year old child who was studying and not working, the responses would have been very different. I've seen people on here been advised to tell their 18 year olds to leave for less.

If OP had written this about her own 20 year old we’d have the context behind why this 20 year old hasn’t progressed beyond GCSE level work in 4 years. But we don’t. Either because OP doesn’t know it, or doesn’t want to share it.

My DH’s parents help us out a lot because they want to. We’re in our 40s, far from struggling, but they are very comfortable and like to share it around

I think I'd be embarrassed to be accepting financial support from my parents at that age.

if you can't afford you don't. If you can you do. education is the best advantage you can give. But in neither case do you spout crap about independence, ideally.

My husband and I are both working adults in our 30s and our parents still help us out now and again! It's what good parents do.

No, it's really not. Good parents raise their children to be independent and self-sufficient. What is it with all of these dependent adults??

In you dh shoes I'd tell my ds that child maintenance has stopped, however if he wanted to talk about finances, and how best to juggle university, living at home etc I'd be more than happy to sit down and have a conversation with him.

This doesn't mean your dh pays for everything, but his son is now an adult and should be treated as such

If I split with DH I'd expect him to support them to 25

Expect what you like. What he decided to give your adult children would be between him and them.

Guaranteed if OP had written this as if it was her own 20 year old child who was studying and not working, the responses would have been very different.

Yep. But he’s from a “broken home” so normal standards can’t apply

I think this story depends on how much money is being given for maintenance and why.

If the son is in full time education for a valid reason, the. I would expect at that age that he could have a part time job to cover his mobile phone, beer money and holidays etc. I think it would be reasonable if he is living at home that his parents would feed him and maybe help out with clothing and maybe transport to and from college.

I also think it would be nice if his dad helped his mum with some of these basic costs.

If his mum and dad were together I suspect the dad would be happy enough to help out as long as the son was getting an education and paying for his own socialising etc.

But the dad had four other children to support, so I accept money is probably a bit tight. There is surely a compromise here that the mum and dad Can reach while the son is finishing his education?

In you dh shoes I'd tell my ds that child maintenance has stopped, however if he wanted to talk about finances, and how best to juggle university, living at home etc I'd be more than happy to sit down and have a conversation with him.

And his mum just sucks up the cost of housing, clothing, feeding, transporting him?

I’ve asked this a couple of times from those who suggested similar and no one has answered. I wonder why.

Student loans don’t cover all costs - the more parents earn the less they can borrow. As your DS is doing a BTEC he won’t get a loan anyway. Yes, he can obviously work part time but that would hardly pay for him to live independently. Have you seen the cost of housing? So at this stage if he lived with both parents he would at the least be subsidised. But as the parents have split them what? The mum pays to house him and the dad does nothing? That doesn’t seem fair even if legal. I hope you sling out your own kids at 18 if that’s what you believe in. Personally I will provide my kids with a roof over their heads until they can afford to leave.i will help them through higher education. After that, if they earn enough I will ask for a contribution and I will encourage them to go off and live independently. I think that’s a fair deal.

Leaving home and becoming totally independent usually comes in stages not all at once.