Child Maintenance: When does it stop

[1stTimeMama]

Wasn't sure where to post this, so please redirct me if needs be.

We pay CMS for my husbands son. He turned 20 in October, but is doing a level 2 BTEC at college. The CMS gave us an end date of the 1st October, but his Mum has been in touch today chasing her payments, and has said we are to pay until 1st November 2020.

As far as the internet tells me today, payments cease when the 'child' turns 20, regardless of if they're in education, and when they are no longer eligible for child benefit, also 20.

Could anyone please confirm where we now stand with payments please? We will of course call CMS as soon as possible, but we'd like some kind of answer sooner.

There is no SN that we've been made aware of.

eh, he is your DH's DS. Why would he not know unless he has been made aware?

do you have contact or do you see him as a financial drain only?

If he is still in college, how is supposed to support himself fully (because if dad's stop financial support, I expect he also think mum should stop supporting him)? He would need to work close to FT hours, which is not really compatible with what he is studying.

It sounds like it is taking him 3 years rather than 2 to do a BTEC so there might be a back story there, but I'm confused what your OH is suggesting. That he gives up doing his BTEC and go to work and waste what he's done so far? Be left with a MW job with little prospect? All this because he doesn't want to support his son for another 6 months?

Legally it stops at 20. Ignore the other comments. Mumsnet always wants to know the ins and outs despite it not being relevant.

I don't think it should still be paid to his mother at all. He is 20 now. However, I will still be financially supporting my son when he's 20 without a shadow of a doubt. He's 3 now and we're already saving. If he's still in education, we will support him quite fully and if he's working, the help would come in the form of helping him with a deposit for a house, help buy a car etc.

I was working from 15 and never got any help from my parents for anything. It doesn't mean my son should get the same treatment I got. Sure he could get a part time job but does your DH not want to help out with driving lessons and things like that? He is at college so only able to work part time. It would make sense to still help him out. You don't stop being a parent when they turn 18-20. It's life long and it's quite grim that your DH thinks he should have supported himself years a go

@MRex, all my husband wants is for him to find a job and be successful in what he wants to do. It shouldn't be down to us to help fund an adult's life choices. Our own children will be raised to know we will support most life choices, but they will be expected to help themselves as much as is possible. As @Greencustard alluded to, we can't, for various reasons, be responsible for them and the choices, forever.

@OhTheJoys1 - I had jobs from 14 and paid my own way through uni, a sibling needed much more financial support on and off as they weren't as focused. Some kids naturally manage to find their own way, others need help and prompting from parents in how to get a CV done and how to get a part-time job, as well as some extra financial help while studying to ensure they can get to the next stage if they're struggling. Clearly you were achieving well on your own, that's great. My objection to OP is that they want to point fingers about DSS not working rather than help the boy find his feet and want to randomly cut off money based on age rather than life stage (his qualifications are GCSE equivalents, not uni). That's where it's really sad and shows a lack of parental care for his future.

All support will be offered as, when, and if they need it.

Well this one currently still needs it. Hes in FT education. He has no income so currently he still needs to be supported by his parents. Why are you happy to support your children but not for your DH to support his?

all my husband wants is for him to find a job and be successful in what he wants to do

Does your husband not see how staying in education is key to that?

Support yourself son- but don’t support yourself too well. Just take the first min wage job you can’t find and forget about being able to earn much more.

all my husband wants is for him to find a job and be successful in what he wants to do.

but some jobs mean you need a certain level of education or training. And getting an education in order to have a well paid and fulfilling job is not a lifestyle choice.

All support will be offered as, when, and if they need it..

why does it only apply to the DC DH had with you but not his DS from a previous relationship. Clearly, he is not in a position to fully support himself financially.

they will be expected to help themselves as much as is possible.

Presumably by educating themselves so they can
Achieve a well paying job?

we can't, for various reasons, be responsible for them and the choices, forever.

He’s 20. Not 40!

What age will you cut your own DC off?

Is education not valued in your household OP?

Why is he still doing this level course at 20? What has he been doing for the past 4 years since finishing school?

You haven't answered.

What contact does your DH have with his children? Do you have any contact with them?

Has he actually discussed their futures with them?

@MRex

Its completely selfish of a 20 year old to need 'more prompting'.

I completely understand what you are saying however, my youngest brother was the same.

My mum paid all bills and fed him but that is all she did, he soon got fed up and got a job.

What I am saying is, it is selfish and lazy for a functioning adult to not attempt to pay their own way and still expect their lives to be fully funded at age 20. It is not due to 'needing extra help'.

We do not have that luxury. We need to work, to earn, to live whether we would like to or not.

being funded by parents after A-levels shouldn't be a given. Although completely understand in cases of learning disabilities, ect.

Also, I HATED working along side college uni, but I'm sure my mum would have hated me not working more.

He's an adult, and should support himself

Yes AS shows you don’t work so maybe he’s just copying the adults in his life.

Of course your husband should support him whilst he finishes education. Are you going to make your own children leave home the moment they turn 18 and are adults? I’m guessing not.

Disclaimer: I have no idea what a level 2 BTEC is but I assume it's some form of further education at a third level institute of some description.

Regardless of that, I think a parent has a moral responsibility, even if it's not a legal responsibility, to, if at all possible, continue to support their children financially until they have finished with their full-time education. I don't mean all parents should pay everything. Some parents may be able to afford to pay accommodation, fees etc while others may only be able to provide rent free accommodation during holidays while the student works over that period.

Students who work long hours during term-time tend not to do as well academically so if you can help them to reduce the hours they need to work, you should.

I have two at university. We pay fees and accommodation for them (not UK so student loan system doesn't apply). They both work during holidays and save most of that money. We haven't given them any money for bills, social life etc. They both work a little during term time but we are paying accommodation so they don't need to work much as I would prefer they focus on their studies. They both absolutely know the value of money and don't expect to be supported but are grateful for the support they get.

I think your dh is being very unreasonable not to want to support his ds. I don't think the maintenance should go to the ex but should be paid directly to his ds.

Father and step-mother of the year.

I do not think an ex should be paying maintenance to the mother for a TWENTY year old. And I say that as a divorced mother receiving maintenance.

I would certainly expect my ex to help DS financially if he was still in full time education at that age but I would expect him to give that money to DS for him to manage.

A twenty year old should have a part time job too, I had one from 16.

This utter bullshit is why children of separated parents are chronically disadvantaged in life

This. With knobs on. I have ,OST count of the ‘when can we stop maintenance’ threads. And then there’s the ‘the mother has sent him to live with us now al, the benefits have stopped’ threads. Because there is an expectation that the resident parent will support the child until ready to leave home, regardless of what the legal situation may be with maintenance at the point. It is very unpleasant.

Is the poster not more referring to the fact that they shouldn't be obliged to pay?

I do agree if you have the money, then of course, help out. But I also think you should help those who help themselves.

Agree with most previous posters that say they help support uni kids whilst they work too.

My best friends husband pays phone bill, car insurance and takes daughter shopping once a month (shes away at uni). but she works part time to pay for socialising, clothes etc. I think id like to be like that with my own child.

What the law says and what is right is two separate things. If his son is in full time education thus not paying rent to his mum then morally child support should continue reflecting half the cost of his upkeep. I have one kid living with me full time and one in the holidays, why shouldn't stbexh pay!!!

@whyamidoingthis to be fair a BTEC requires nowhere near the amount of study a degree does, it's GCSE level.

The name calling and pearl clutching directed at this man for not wanting to continue to pay CMS to his ex for a 20 year adult child is laughable!

He’s 20, not 2. And needs to get a job.

And we wonder why this generation are being referred to as snowflakes. Christ on a bike.

I despair at the people here saying that support should stop at 18. That isn't how student finance works, being entirely self supporting while in higher education isn't ideal and will impact on the young person's educational outcomes and that will impact on the rest of their life.

Why would you want your children to start off at a disadvantage if you possibly could help?

I was working from 15 waitressing in a local pub, I could've moved out at 16 worked there full time and could've scraped by. This is what some parts of MN think all young adults should do. I didn't, I carried on working part time, did my A levels then went to university, my parents helped and I bet it was more than your lovely partner parts in CMS payments, even though they are both working class and had no higher education, they scrimped to support me and my brother. I now have a good professional job, so does DB, we own our homes and live comfortable lives, we treat our parents. They supported us when we needed it regardless of our DOB, DB did a technical qualification in a non traditional route, he was 22 they helped him like they helped me at uni at 18. I would be a lot lot less likely to have the life I have now if I'd moved out and supported myself as a teen. I will support DS throughout his education and at important points in his life because I want him to have the opportunity to fulfill his potential. I spent some of my youth living on a council estate in a deprived area, I saw a lot of wasted potential, the support was either not there or just not possible. His son isn't something to be rid of as soon as you can.