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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to remove DD from her martial arts class

135 replies

cheers4nothing · 03/11/2019 07:48

gosh, this might sound so petty but I really don't know what do do so here it goes:

DD is 9. Very sporty and started martial arts classes some 3 years ago. Loved it and doing very well.

there is a girl in school who has also been a bit of a bully. Always trying to compete with DD, telling children (so DD says) that she is better in A/B/C than DD. Anyhow, I always told DD just to ignore and it worked ok.

One year after DD started MA, said girl joined too. DD said this girl keep telling her how rubbish her martial arts is and she also says it at school. As DD loves martial arts so much, but doesn't want to attend the class with this girl anymore, I move her to a different class (same club and instructor). All good. But 3 months later the other girl's mums starts bringing her DD to this class instead. bullying in school continues, so we change classes again (still same club - they have various classes throughout the week). Been going well for about 4 months

I bumped into the girls mother yesterday who told me she swapped her DD's class again too and her DD will go to the same class as my DD.

DD is besides herself and really doesn't want to go anymore now.

Should I insist she continues as she love MA so much for remove her as it clearly doesn't work for her with the other girl? I want her to become resilient but also enjoy her hobby.

I am thinking of finding a different club but what if the other girl rocks up there? And no, I have no idea why they seem to follow us around. May be totally innocent but it really ruined it for DD.

PS: I am not really sure what is going on in school. I asked about it at parents evening but teachers are unaware.

OP posts:
Marmite27 · 03/11/2019 07:49

Find a different club. Don’t tell them where.

Stayawayfromitsmouth · 03/11/2019 07:53

I think you should have said something to the other mum when you bumped into her.
Perhaps you could have a word with the club leaders and ask to move class again but that the other girl be kept separate.

Stayawayfromitsmouth · 03/11/2019 07:54

It won't be innocent that the other girl is following your daughter around. It is bullying. You need to do something about it.

CalmdownJanet · 03/11/2019 07:55

What did you say when the mother said she was moving class again? Surely you said "Ah ok, we actually move to avoid your dd and all the teasing, we'll go back to the original so" or similar, I mean surely you told her or she knows there's an issue.

What about school? You've "mentioned" it at parents evening doesn't sound like you've done much about it.

TenThousandSpoons · 03/11/2019 07:55

Could you explain to your club that your dd is having trouble with the other girl (mention bullying at school and ask them to keep this confidential). Then move one more time and ask them not to give the other girl a place in the same class - they can say it’s full. They must have noticed the other girl following her around and I bet they won’t want to lose an enthusiastic member who has enjoyed it for three years because of the new girl.

Perch · 03/11/2019 07:56

Do not remove her, speak to the club.
Have you raised bullying with the school?
I would also have said something to the mum

CalmdownJanet · 03/11/2019 07:57

And club, where are they in all of this? My two go to Taekwondo and they are all about kindness/respect, I think most martial arts are, aren't they? Our club would be all over this

Bunnybigears · 03/11/2019 07:57

I would talk to the other mum. Explain why you have been moving DD to different classes.

GingersAreLush · 03/11/2019 07:58

Your daughter is being bullied the teacher needs to know. Also tell the martial arts teacher. They will definitely want to know and will take a very dim view of this girl’s behaviour.

Original poster
cheers4nothing · 03/11/2019 07:58

stay, I asked her why she is changing the times again. She said the MA clashes with one of her other commitments so she had to find a more suitable time. I cannot dictate when she brings her DD to the class.

The instructor said no issues in class. It seems to be playing out in school (I just go by DD's word here) but I can clearly see them following us.

OP posts:
LucileDuplessis · 03/11/2019 08:01

Move her back to the last time. The other mum has just told you that it clashes with another commitment for them, so it will look properly weird if she moves her DD again. Talk to school about this too.

Disfordarkchocolate · 03/11/2019 08:02

It sounds too much of a coincidence to me too. I think you need to go back to the school with some specific examples as that's where the bad behaviour occurs.

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 03/11/2019 08:03

Ths teacher needs to know

The other mum shoukd now, why did you not say Anything?

i had the same with DS with rugby, I told the zchool but also the mum. of course she was a bit defensive and said actually her son felt excluded by my son (yeah right) but I said "oh so if you agree they don't get on they better not play in the same team") i stayed friendly, but was glad I mentioned it

it needs to be brought out in the open

Original poster
cheers4nothing · 03/11/2019 08:04

Thanks. might be an idea to move back to previous class as a last try. this is just so odd.

OP posts:
ritzbiscuits · 03/11/2019 08:04

I would be speaking to the club in the first instance, be clear that she is being bullied by this girl and has been logged with the school.

I would want to come to an agreement with the club that she moves again to a different class but they need to be kept separate. They should have an anti bullying policy, so I'd ask them for a copy of that too.

I'd also explain that you would be looking to leave permanently if this issue isn't properly addressed. In the end of the day they aren't going to want to lose a dedicated member from their club.

Thatnovembernight · 03/11/2019 08:05

I would speak to the MA teacher and explain the problem and that your child can’t continue if this girl keeps moving to the same class. See if they have a solution. Sounds like a horrible situation.

Original poster
cheers4nothing · 03/11/2019 08:07

other mum is odd and not very approachable. we are not on chatty terms.

and I asked why they changed again an got the excuse that it clashes with her (mum's) other commitments. if it is no coincident, the the mum is the partner in crime.

will also have another word with the instructor!

OP posts:
Veterinari · 03/11/2019 08:09

You need to tell the mum that her daughter has moved. Classes 3 times and followed your daughter. And it’s not on. You need to tell the club the same and if it happens again your daughter is likely to leave and you need to speak to the school properly about the bullying rather than just letting it happen

Reassure your DD that she can keep switching classes

Sharpandshineyteeth · 03/11/2019 08:12

If the other one now clashes with another class that kid does then move your child back to that class.

CravingCheese · 03/11/2019 08:15

Move her to back to the last class. The mother just told you that her dd can't attend due to scheduling issues. Make sure that the instructor hears her say this as well.

I'd hope that she wouldn't dare follow your dd back to the old class (so obvious...) but Idk.

WhereDidTheOddSockGo · 03/11/2019 08:16

Definitely move back to the original class after having a word with the coach.
She shouldn't have to give up something she loves because of this other girl.
If the coach doesn't take you seriously about the girls needing to be kept separate because the other girl is a bully, then you probably do need to move to a different club though.
Martial arts clubs generally take a dim view of bullying but that doesn't mean that all clubs are run that way... some adults are just clueless about how insidious bullying can be, especially between girls.

Original poster
cheers4nothing · 03/11/2019 08:19

thanks all. Flowers

was expecting to be told I am overprotective but clearly not. glad I asked!

OP posts:
Mumdiva99 · 03/11/2019 08:20

Sorry but I'm not clear about the bullying in school. What is the girl doing at school? That's where your issue is not at the MA club. So that's where you need to focus your energy. But short of the girl saying she's better at MA I can't see what's happening. My son's best friend is similar - always points out if he's run faster, better, playing in a better team etc etc It's part of his competitive personality rather than trying to be mean. Although that doesn't stop me mentioning it to his mum if he gets a little too 'braggy'. Obviously I've talked to my son about it too and reinforce where my son excels and give him coping strategies. But it's far from bullying. I wonder if your daughter is being sensitive to a few comments? Maybe build her resilience rather than run away. (If I've misunderstood and there is actual bullying then go to school to sort it.)

Sweetdreamer93 · 03/11/2019 08:20

I think by keep moving her, you are sending a clear message to feel fearful and to run away.

The bullying needs to be addressed. Show your DD that situations of conflict need to be managed.
Have a chat with the instructor so they can work with you.

Imagine she drops out of work or college in years to come because of conflict without even trying to resolve the issue.. this is a life lesson.

Good luck OP. Flowers

DidntLikeRugbyAnyway · 03/11/2019 08:21

Speak to the instructor and the school, keep on about it.

Martial arts is all about discipline as well as working together, there is no way this behaviour would be tolerated at the MA my children attend.

Your DD shouldn’t have to give up something she enjoys because of this girl.