to remove DD from her martial arts class

[cheers4nothing]

gosh, this might sound so petty but I really don't know what do do so here it goes:

DD is 9. Very sporty and started martial arts classes some 3 years ago. Loved it and doing very well.

there is a girl in school who has also been a bit of a bully. Always trying to compete with DD, telling children (so DD says) that she is better in A/B/C than DD. Anyhow, I always told DD just to ignore and it worked ok.

One year after DD started MA, said girl joined too. DD said this girl keep telling her how rubbish her martial arts is and she also says it at school. As DD loves martial arts so much, but doesn't want to attend the class with this girl anymore, I move her to a different class (same club and instructor). All good. But 3 months later the other girl's mums starts bringing her DD to this class instead. bullying in school continues, so we change classes again (still same club - they have various classes throughout the week). Been going well for about 4 months

I bumped into the girls mother yesterday who told me she swapped her DD's class again too and her DD will go to the same class as my DD.

DD is besides herself and really doesn't want to go anymore now.

Should I insist she continues as she love MA so much for remove her as it clearly doesn't work for her with the other girl? I want her to become resilient but also enjoy her hobby.

I am thinking of finding a different club but what if the other girl rocks up there? And no, I have no idea why they seem to follow us around. May be totally innocent but it really ruined it for DD.

PS: I am not really sure what is going on in school. I asked about it at parents evening but teachers are unaware.

What is the specific problem with them being in the same MA class? Are they being paired together for partner work, or is the other girl talking to your dd before /after the class?

Move her to another class and tell the club why. Hopefully that will stop the other child moving classes again.

Personally I would speak to the mother and the school teacher.
The school need to be aware of the fact your dd is prepared to give up a hobby because of the way this girl has made her feel.

You’re not over protective OP, I don’t mean this to sound harsh but I actually think you’re not being protective enough. The teasing might only be subtle but when you’re that small it can feel enormous and it’s obviously having a very real impact on DD if she’s changed her routine to avoid this child. If I was your DD I’d be very hurt that you hadn’t pursued this harder with the school,

Speak to the instructor. Tell him that if he admits the other girl to DD's class you will withfraw DD so he won't benefit from the additional student as DD will leave. Throw everything you have at this OP. I think you need to speak to the HOY at least about this.

Have you read that book about how to "bully proof" your kid? As someone who was bullied at school, I found it fascinatingly thought-provoking.

So, one suggestion I thought of is that you teach your child some strategies. She could say, "Yeah, you're right, you're better than me" or "Why do you keep saying that?".

Is it bullying or is the girl actually better at the MA than your dd? It’s possible what your dd views as teasing might just be the girl being brutally honest - my friends’s DB who has Aspergers can often be like this about his achievements.

I agree you are being too passive you need to talk and raise this with the school and MA

*I think by keep moving her, you are sending a clear message to feel fearful and to run away.

The bullying needs to be addressed. Show your DD that situations of conflict need to be managed.
Have a chat with the instructor so they can work with you.

Imagine she drops out of work or college in years to come because of conflict without even trying to resolve the issue.. this is a life lesson.
*

No, I'm sorry but this is not a good approach. This isn't a workplace conflict resolution situation it's a "nine year old child is being bullied" situation.

The objective here isn't to make a child suffer and potentially ruin her hobby for the sake of some nebulous "life lesson". Nor is it her responsibility as a child to "resolve" things when she's clearly the victim of someone else's actions.

When I was in Brownies, I was being bullied and my mum moved me to a different Brownies and then I enjoyed it again and stopped dreading Brownies.

As an adult, I have astonishingly managed to avoid quitting any jobs where there has been conflict in the workplace, despite this obvious oversight in parenting.

OP, I'd recommend just finding another club.

I think the girl is obsessively jealous of your daughter for some reason , bullies often have low self esteem . I would speak to the instructors about moving her or find another club or interest, as it this must be tedious for her.

OP, I'd recommend just finding another club.

But how is that different to finding another class, which the OP has tried twice now.

Definitely raise this with the school - and also comment as CalmdownJanet has suggested.

There's nothing innocent or co-incidental about all of the following-swapping.

but I spoke to school. They said they are not aware of anything (I think they think I am overprotective and complained about nothing ).

DD says it usually happens at play/unstructured times without supervision and that the other girl is a teacher's favourite and the queen bee.

but I am obviously not there...

Is it bullying or is the girl actually better at the MA than your dd?

are you saying that it would not be bullying just because it could be true???

and no, DD is much better. Gets selected for competitions where they only pick the best. Other girl never gets chosen.

I don’t think you need to find another club yet. Just switch back to the class that caused the clash, if the girl switches again you’ll know for sure it’s not innocent.

But you are making school aware, that’s the whole point of speaking to them. Now they know, you want to know what they’re going to do about it. Can you give your DD some retorts to answer back?

To be honest if it were me I think I’d be telling her to say ‘but that’s not true is it, that’s why I’m picked’ But that’s my angry mum coming out...

I’d tackle the other mother.

“Right Maureen. About all this swapping classes nonsense. We actually keep moving to get away from MiniMaureen. Can I have your word that if we revert to our old class time you won’t be following us again? It’s very tiresome”.

I'm someone who was bullied my entire secondary school life, and ended up having to develop a VERY sharp tongue and aggressive persona (think pit bull in human form, as one early employer described it) to combat it. I wasn't physically large enough to give the bullies the thumping they heartily deserved and at that point I didn't know any self-defence techniques at all since, strangely, they weren't taught in games lessons.

And before anyone protests or gives me a lecture, I'm pretty much a pacifist, but sometimes, physically making bullies see the error of their ways, is the only decisive way to settle things - anyone who thinks otherwise has almost certainly led a VERY sheltered life. A previous ex was in a particular branch of the armed forces, and while they very much concentrate on winning hearts and minds and handing out bars of chocolate and water wells where they can, that approach doesn't really work when you've got someone coming at you with a blood-curdling yell and an improvised weapon made of metal. Let's just say his boxing skills and ability to evade blows were pretty useful on occasion.

Just a thought; if this was an adult, constantly moving from class to class and being followed by someone who has form for making their lives a misery, wouldn't it be classed as verging on stalking? Why is it different for kids? Or am I missing something here? Oh, yes. "Scheduling issues". "Other commitments". Right. What commitments would they be, then?

I think the instructor needs to be alerted again; they have a duty of care like any other teacher, particularly if your daughter is still under 16. And if you move your daughter back to the other class and Milly-Molly-Mandy continues to follow her by moving back, IMHO that clearly shows all is not as it should be with her intentions. Oh yes, that'll be those "scheduling clashes" again.

Good luck!

You need to speak both to the school and the Martial Arts class - and tell them the full story. That this girl continually puts your DD down, and now follows her around when you try to change classes.
Please do everything to get your DD away from this girl. It is not doing your DD any good - these insidious messages will get into her head.

Tell the instructor that they dont get on and to please move her back to the original class.

no, DD is much better. Gets selected for competitions where they only pick the best. Other girl never gets chosen.

Well, there you go. The other girl doesn't know how to manage her insecurities or anxieties around not being the best. A useful bit of information for your daughter who is currently bearing the brunt of it.

Sometimes you need to keep complaining at school.
It took me 3 years before the school took seriously my complaints that my DD said she had "no friends" at school. By which time it was pretty much 100% true, and had gone on far too long.
I really wish I had been more pro-active - and quite possibly changed her school.

This is basically stalking, and should be referred to as such.

Go back to the instructor, explain what's happening, and call it stalking. Say that the mother is also behaving oddly, and tell him about the latest interaction. Explain that you're moving one last time, and that given the mother's explanation, if she moves her daughter this time you're going to have to reluctantly change clubs. Ask if there's anything they can do to prevent the other girl following you that new class this time.

Martial arts isn't about self defence, the first rule my sons were taught was run away! It is about discipline, confidence etc and I will say that because my son had done ground fighting and been put on the floor in his martial arts class that when he started secondary and another kid grabbed him by the throat he didn't fall apart.

Two things, the martial arts instructor needs to be addressing this issue and I would tell them that you keep moving class to be away from this girl. Just being in the same class is fuel for this child to continue to belittle your DD in school. Most marital arts instructors would come down on this like a ton of bricks.

Secondly, you need to talk to the teacher at school and tell them that your DD is reporting this behaviour to you. Make a note in your diary when it happens and when you speak to school. Also put it in writing, email in even if it is just clarifying what was said to you by the teacher then there is a paper trail.

Tell them when this is happening, I volunteer in a primary and we know a lot of this stuff goes on at lunch time as teachers are out in the playground at break, but lunch time staff cover the lunch period, and they rota round so one week they are with year 3 the next year 6, the next year 1. So there is no consistency. It gives children the opportunity to be awful.

It doesn't matter if you think the staff think you are over-protective (and nothing you have said indicates you are) the staff have a duty of care to ensure your child is safe in school, free from means words from other children.

So report it to the martial arts, report it to school. Start diary marking so you know when you have done it. Don't withdraw her from the thing she loves, move groups again.

How does she know which class dd has switched to? She needs to physically stop telling her and talking to her in general. No point in hanging around with someone who does nothing but pick fault at you.

Other mum might not be able to see through her rose tinted glasses and her “poor little dd” comes home begging to switch to x class because minicheers has moved class again cause she’s busy on Wednesdays now and she only wants to go if her friends there.. mum might believe she’s better than your dd or thinks it’s just jokey sportsmanship banter (I have to listen to dp and his mates tell each other that the other couldn’t lift a feather pillow, they obviously can). But I doubt for data protection there’s class lists n times up on the wall.

That book sounds interesting. Is it this one @vivacian