to remove DD from her martial arts class

[cheers4nothing]

gosh, this might sound so petty but I really don't know what do do so here it goes:

DD is 9. Very sporty and started martial arts classes some 3 years ago. Loved it and doing very well.

there is a girl in school who has also been a bit of a bully. Always trying to compete with DD, telling children (so DD says) that she is better in A/B/C than DD. Anyhow, I always told DD just to ignore and it worked ok.

One year after DD started MA, said girl joined too. DD said this girl keep telling her how rubbish her martial arts is and she also says it at school. As DD loves martial arts so much, but doesn't want to attend the class with this girl anymore, I move her to a different class (same club and instructor). All good. But 3 months later the other girl's mums starts bringing her DD to this class instead. bullying in school continues, so we change classes again (still same club - they have various classes throughout the week). Been going well for about 4 months

I bumped into the girls mother yesterday who told me she swapped her DD's class again too and her DD will go to the same class as my DD.

DD is besides herself and really doesn't want to go anymore now.

Should I insist she continues as she love MA so much for remove her as it clearly doesn't work for her with the other girl? I want her to become resilient but also enjoy her hobby.

I am thinking of finding a different club but what if the other girl rocks up there? And no, I have no idea why they seem to follow us around. May be totally innocent but it really ruined it for DD.

PS: I am not really sure what is going on in school. I asked about it at parents evening but teachers are unaware.

So you spoke to the school once, they took no action and you’re satisfied with that? Even though you can see there is a very real issue and your child is hurting? C’mon OP, step up!!

I hope you don’t mind me asking but did you experience bullying as a child? Your passive approach and running away from the problem made me wonder if you have some unresolved issues yourself. Don’t let yourself be intimidated OP either by this little girl/ her Mum or by the school. Your daughter needs you to advocate for her, good luck

I bet Bully DD is telling her mum that your DD and her a good friends as well. Sounds like a little monster. I agree with pp who say tell the teacher.

Sounds difficult. Your poor Dd. Agree the other kid sounds jealous but not your DDs problem.
Agree to moving classes one last time on the proviso they wont allow the other child back into the group.
Atrange a meeting with school, don't let them make you feel you're over reacting - you're not.
I personally wouldn't engage with the mum. If she's allowing her daughter to stalk yours she must be unhinged.

Teach your dd to be more confident of her ability and some comebacks. A simple, calm, how many competitions have you been to? At your stage I had been selected for 3...

If the girl does something well at MA tell your daughter to congratulate her and say I was pleased when I did that did the first time too, it takes the wind out their sails when your agree with them.

Are they different belts?

Ds had a friend like this, always had to tell everyone he was better at everything, if someone had something he had something bigger and better etc. Kids work out quite quickly they are taking porkies when they can't back it up.

That's the one @PullingMySocksUp I found it challenging in parts, partly because it advises the opposite of how my mum tried to protect me from bullying (and thus what I thought was the way to deal with it). For example, I interpreted the premise as, "Yeah, your kid shouldn't have to experience bullying and schools should wipe it out. But it still happens, so let's accept that and deal with the reality". That blew my mind.

Secondly, I found the advice very practical.

Thirdly, I found all of the stuff about tolerance (or lack of it) to lack of power and control very insightful. I have a low tolerance to lack of control, and the book argues that that makes me both a likely target of bullying and likely to be experienced as a bully. Fascinating ideas.

I bet Bully DD is telling her mum that your DD and her a good friends as well.

I can picture the other girl telling her mum that she enjoys the class, but there are some kids there that aren't very nice, but that OP's DD is really nice and so she wants to be in a class with her. Something that describes the other girls' concerns about being in the class and how the presence of OP's DD soothes these concerns.

I would speak to the instructor and explain the situation, discipline is such an important part of martial arts, I am sure the club will handle it correctly, I know for a fact the club my boys went too, would not have tolerated bullying.

Change class back to the original. Give the MA teacher a heads up what's been going on and let them know if this happens again you are going to have to start at a different place.

let them know if this happens again you are going to have to start at a different place.

The problem is that that’s not an ultimatum that works. OP going elsewhere would be the easiest solution for the club.

The bullying is happening in school, and so that is where the remedial action needs to be taken.

OP: you seem reluctant to keep raising this with the school. But you need to step up and do it. If there is reluctance on your part to do this, then I think you need to look at why that is. If you avoid certain issues you find difficult, and teach your DD to avoid then (by repeated moves which change one 'symptom' but do not tackle the cause).

Yes, keeping them in separate MA classes sounds like a good idea at this age. But repeated moves, when not really tacking the real probalem which is occurring elsewhere, is not going to provide a ood solution.

I would talk to the teachers at the club again.

Agree that bully is probably telling lies to get mum to change class for her.

Tell the club and explain what is happening, they have a duty of care.

Assuming the other girl is the same age tell mum as soon as she is 10 you are reporting her daughter to the police for stalking.

www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/stalking-and-harassment

Other mum might not be able to see through her rose tinted glasses and her “poor little dd” comes home begging to switch to x class because minicheers has moved class again cause she’s busy on Wednesdays now and she only wants to go if her friends there..

I’d have said this was likely but the other Mum said it was because of a scheduling clash - she’d have mentioned this wanting to be with her friend otherwise, presumably?

I would
a) work on DD’s resilience and confidence by reassuring her she was GREAT at martial arts but she could change class again if she wanted to.
b) speak to MA instructor about out of class bragging/bullying related to martial arts skills & explain all the class changes. If DD wants to change again ask that they’re kept separate - new class ‘full’ etc.
c) tell school AGAIN and insist it’s kept an eye on
d) explain briefly to other mum you’re changing back to the other class as the girls aren’t getting on well at school so you want DD to have somebody space.

Go
Into school again. Doesn’t matter if they didn’t know before, they are now aware.

Move back to old class and be honest about why to MA club.

Good lord get it sorted, you’re running away from the problem. You had the ideal opportunity to tell the other girls mum and didn’t, be firmer!
Also this from another poster, give your daughter some strategies.

“Have you read that book about how to "bully proof" your kid? As someone who was bullied at school, I found it fascinatingly thought-provoking.

So, one suggestion I thought of is that you teach your child some strategies. She could say, "Yeah, you're right, you're better than me" or "Why do you keep saying that?”

I think you should speak to your child's teacher.
Don't go in guns blazing just say what your child has said and tell then about the MA too.
When I worked in schools, I would have had a casual chat with both pupils and asked them both, independantly, to tell me all about their relationship with the other child. I would not have used the word bullying. After this I would then allow the other child to know how each of them made them feel.
Then ask them "So, you can see how Jenny might be feeling after you said xyz about her, what can we do to alter that?"
Allow the children to resolve the issue themselves.
If they cant, then I'd step in and tell them what was going to happen.
So, "Lucy you know we have spoken about how you doing xyz has made Jenny feel upset, yes, and even though you acknowledged this and said you would stop doing it you have carried on is that correct? Well now I am going to say that at playtimes you are not allowed to approach Jenny, do you undetstand? You know why and if I find out you have approached Jenny then I will be ringing your parents and telling them what you have done, is that clear? I'm also going to tell Jenny that she must not approach you either, is that clear? "
Sorry for the long post but often you have to be quite specific with children, as a general 'let's all be nice' doesn't clarify things to them.
I would also speak to the MA instructor and explain how your dd feels.

Have you talked to the instructor? School? The other mum? It seems as if you would prefer to move her away from the bullying rather than deal more directly with it, but that's not working for her.

A good MA instructor will be the best person to help resolve this. Martial arts is all about dealing well with conflict and depending which MA(?) serious practitioners take the concepts into life.

I work in a school and would really encourage you to speak to DD about speaking up when this happens. How can the school deal with something they are unaware of. It is fine to go to lunchtime staff / teacher and say x is saying I am terrible at this etc and it is making me feel unhappy. The school can then deal with this. Your daughter must learn to speak up, it is a life lesson!

I would also speak to club ask to move times and be kept separate in future.

1. Speak to the school. Point out that this harassment has gone on for a long time. Point out that this child has moved classes 3 times in order to continue the bullying. Insist on a response. Emilybronte's post upthread is a good example of what will happen.

1. Move classes again. Tell the new teacher that your DD has been followed classes 3 times by a bully and ask them not to facilitate if it happens again.

1. Tell the old MA teacher so he can keep an eye out for other problems.

1. Next time you see this mum make clear that she should ensure your children are kept separate.

If you do the above politely and empathetically, no one will take offence.

@NoSquirrels I figured the scheduling clash is just a cover, she didn’t want to seem like she was following ops dd or pandering to hers.

c) tell school AGAIN and insist it’s kept an eye on

How?

Actually @emilybrontescorsett has answered my question. Though I suspect that not all teachers would be as thoughtful in their approach!

Another vote for talking to the instructor. My kids’ one is very hot on things like this and would defo take action.

You have a good reason for moving. Do they if they try to move again to follow you yet again? It’s looking like quite a coincidence.

I would speak with the MA instructors, tell them you want the girls in separate classes and you will need to consider leaving if you can’t. Tell them not to reveal which class your daughter is going to either.

I would swap her back to the other class. The mum has said that there is a clash, so she shouldn't really be able to follow you there.