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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to remove DD from her martial arts class

135 replies

cheers4nothing · 03/11/2019 07:48

gosh, this might sound so petty but I really don't know what do do so here it goes:

DD is 9. Very sporty and started martial arts classes some 3 years ago. Loved it and doing very well.

there is a girl in school who has also been a bit of a bully. Always trying to compete with DD, telling children (so DD says) that she is better in A/B/C than DD. Anyhow, I always told DD just to ignore and it worked ok.

One year after DD started MA, said girl joined too. DD said this girl keep telling her how rubbish her martial arts is and she also says it at school. As DD loves martial arts so much, but doesn't want to attend the class with this girl anymore, I move her to a different class (same club and instructor). All good. But 3 months later the other girl's mums starts bringing her DD to this class instead. bullying in school continues, so we change classes again (still same club - they have various classes throughout the week). Been going well for about 4 months

I bumped into the girls mother yesterday who told me she swapped her DD's class again too and her DD will go to the same class as my DD.

DD is besides herself and really doesn't want to go anymore now.

Should I insist she continues as she love MA so much for remove her as it clearly doesn't work for her with the other girl? I want her to become resilient but also enjoy her hobby.

I am thinking of finding a different club but what if the other girl rocks up there? And no, I have no idea why they seem to follow us around. May be totally innocent but it really ruined it for DD.

PS: I am not really sure what is going on in school. I asked about it at parents evening but teachers are unaware.

OP posts:
PullingMySocksUp · 03/11/2019 10:44

Thanks vivacian
I’ve just ordered it.

Flobbertybillop · 03/11/2019 10:46

@vivacian
I’ve just put it in my basket too, Amazon will have a run on them

ittakes2 · 03/11/2019 10:54

I used to make this mistake - ie telling my children to ignore bullies and walk away from situations where they get bullied. Learnt years later from parenting coach how bad that is for a child’s self confidence. They need to be given the right language to use to define their boundaries with bullies about how they would like to be treated. It’s not about making her do anything - it’s about establishing what she would want to do if this bully was not around and giving her the skills for dealing with the situation. I would speak to the martial arts coach. I huge issue of continuing with telling her to avoid situations is that other children will pick up on this and see her as weak - it makes her vulnerable. Get advice from a parenting coach on how she can use language and body language to present herself as confident.

tibradden · 03/11/2019 10:58

Yes found Bully proof kids very useful and as a previous poster said, turned my thoughts on bullying.
I also liked her previous book Cotton Wool kids

scarletreddevil · 03/11/2019 11:10

Hi,
First time ever on any type of messaging board but I felt compelled to write.
I am a Martial Arts - kickboxing instructor, run females & kids classes & I would never overlook a parent’s concern regarding anything, especially bullying in my class.

I had an incident where two boys giggled at another for not being able to execute his drill properly & I stopped it right there & then.
I made it clear that I will not tolerate any kind of bullying in my class! Bullying is such an extensive growing problem that anybody in any authoritative position should deal with. I bring it up regularly to embed into the children that it’s unacceptable! Especially as they are learning a skill that can inflict harm on others.
They are constantly reminded that skills are learnt to be used in dire emergencies. They are supposed to be being disciplined in every aspect & applying these in everyday life.

I’m horrified the instructor/s is not taking this more seriously. I would personally speak to the other parent if this was my class & have a word with the child if this is happening under my watch & in my class.

I do agree that it needs to be broached with the other parent. I would make an appointment with the headteacher at school & discuss this matter. They are required to be extra cautious of this matter. Enquire about safeguarding? Who’s responsible & how are they dealing with bullying? Be adamant for a result! Don’t take no for an answer. If you demonstrate that you will not be letting this go they will only do something then. If they can flog you off they will.
Maybe ask them to arrange a meeting with the other parent at the school if you’re apprehensive about talking to her alone.
And if I’m right the mum & child are stalking you & your child...& last time I checked that was a criminal offence!

If your daughter has chosen to confide in you then don’t abuse her trust & let her down. Kids rarely speak to their adults about this type of thing so consider yourself lucky. I have done an anti-bullying course as well, hence I know.

P.S
Why can’t the instructor tell the other lady that he can’t allow her child to move again. He can say he either doesn’t have the space in that slot anymore or he can be blunt & say due to concerns brought to my attention I cannot allow these specific children to be in the same class. So please choose what time slot you would like.
Giving her first choice then you can avoid them.

Original poster
cheers4nothing · 03/11/2019 11:21

thanks all. food for thought. Will raise it with instructor and school again as well.

but plan to switch class too. Thanks you for the support. Appreciated!

OP posts:
LucileDuplessis · 03/11/2019 11:25

Hope it all works out ok OP.

DidntLikeRugbyAnyway · 03/11/2019 11:33

If the instructor at my DC’s class found out one of the children was telling another they were rubbish they would be bought up sharp about it. This behaviour is just not tolerated. The children are not allowed to misbehave, they get time out and spoken to.

I think you need to speak to the instructor again about the seriousness of it, be honest about how much it’s affecting your DD. If the instructor doesn’t take it seriously I would be concerned. Same with school.

mynewusernamenow · 03/11/2019 11:39

Really controversial but can't they just spar it out?
It's Marshall Arts aka fighting, let them set to in a controlled environment and sort it between themselves.

Original poster
cheers4nothing · 03/11/2019 11:40

mynew, that is not what it is about.

OP posts:
mynewusernamenow · 03/11/2019 11:44

Of course it is, an the heart of all martial arts is fighting and being able to over power your opponent. Yes respect and control is part of it but at the end of the day the better fighter wins the match

CravingCheese · 03/11/2019 11:45

Mynew
and then what? You think that would be constructive?

They could also race each other. And compete in a maths competition and a spelling bee. But how would that solve the underlying issue of bullying?

mynewusernamenow · 03/11/2019 11:47

A sharp smack to the bully's jaw usually solves it

SunshineAngel · 03/11/2019 11:57

I would move your DD back to the other class, but explain to them why you're doing it - then they will be less likely to accept the other girl into the class if asked.

I would also suggest telling the other girl's mother what's been going on. Or at least the school, and let them deal with it. This woman is probably completely unaware of how her daughter behaves, and I would want to know if she was mine. Of course you need to find a way to tell her tactfully as there's no way of saying how she would take it, but it's definitely worth doing.

CravingCheese · 03/11/2019 11:57
  1. Have you ever been to a reputable MA club? Children do not get to just throw harsh jabs at other children's jaw! Especially not in some misguided attempt of resolving personal differences. Doing so may very well be enough to earn the OP's daughter a very permanent ban. Assuming that this is indeed a reputable club.
  1. Major assumption that the dd even does a martial art where one hits the opponent.... Or did I miss that update?
  1. And it may also end with the bully throwing the 'sharp jab'!!
EmmiJay · 03/11/2019 11:58

Sparring could go to two ways though. The Bully girl backs off or amps up her bullying campaign. Too risky. The Bulky girl needs to know people ie teachers are watching her.

mynewusernamenow · 03/11/2019 12:01

Yep, fought at county level in my youth,
'Sorry sensi misjudged that'
No hitting, an accidental choke hold in ground work has same effect

mynewusernamenow · 03/11/2019 12:03

And 3 well the other kid is truthful they are better

CravingCheese · 03/11/2019 12:14

If the OP's dd has that idea on her own? 🤷🏻‍♀️ I guess she could get away with it. But suggesting that the OP somehow organise that? No way.

And as you said, you're assuming that the bully isn't the one that's banking on getting away with the accidental choke.
(and that the OP's dd even does a ma where spars are common / accepted.)

CravingCheese · 03/11/2019 12:15

3 well the other kid is truthful they are better

Still wouldn't excuse bullying or apparently / maybe following the OP's dd around...

Jaxhog · 03/11/2019 12:20

It's Marshall Arts aka fighting, let them set to in a controlled environment and sort it between themselves.

Speaking as someone with 15 years' MA experience, I'm frankly appalled at this suggestion! I can only assume this was made by someone who doesn't understand what MA is all about. Also, do you really want to teach a young person that fighting is the best way to resolve problems?

mynewusernamenow · 03/11/2019 12:20

Line in sand, you keep running or stand your ground and fight. Even if you loose it shows you are no longer scared and the bully moves on as it is the fear they thrive on

mynewusernamenow · 03/11/2019 12:24

What is martial arts all about?
Overpowering your opponent without killing them.

CravingCheese · 03/11/2019 12:30

Overpowering your opponent without killing them.

  1. That's debatable.
  2. Unusual attitude in the context of a children's ma class...
  3. Fixing bullying with your fists is just not constructive. And may not even be possible! They could also race each other. Then what?? A bully is magically cured of their bullying tendencies? Will it make the bullied automatically more resilient?
mynewusernamenow · 03/11/2019 12:34

A race does not have the short term physical discomfort that a fight does.

Kids are reactive and don't have the empathy or critical thinking of adult and we would do better to remember this when dealing with their disputes