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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Christmas Dinner issue...

231 replies

katycb · 02/11/2019 21:21

So I'm hosting Xmas for us (family of 5 all kids under 7) and my parents/ in laws this year. I have invited my sister who is a strict vegan so was obviously going to make sure she had a decent vegan option. I understand that she doesn't like seeing meat as a centre piece so I offered to plate up separately so this wasn't an issue to which she said she would still feel uncomfortable, I then offered to cook a veggie meal to avoid this so she would have lots of choice and even if some stuff has dairy in it she shouldn't be distressed looking at it .. Apparently this isn't enough and she will only come if everything is Vegan... A part of me thinks that I want to compromise so that all my family can be there the other part thinks that I have already been really fair and there are 9 others to think about...she had then offered to come but not for the meal and I really don't know what to do. So aibu to just cook what we would normally have with a vegan option and plate up separately and say that's the compromise or should I cook a vegan meal for 10..

OP posts:
BrieAndChilli · 03/11/2019 09:00

I think everyone here would have the same reaction if the tables were reversed and the sister was the only carnivore and was insisting on being cooked meat while everyone else was veggie, or if she was demanding they have pizza for Xmas lunch instead of roast or demanding no one drink alchohol etc etc
It’s the fact that the sister is demanding her way or the highway rather than coming to a compromise.

TitaniaQueenOfTheFairies · 03/11/2019 09:00

How long has she been vegan OP? I assume not since birth, as you would have sorted this dilemma out years ago. If she is fairly newly vegan then of course sibu and cooking a vegan meal for everyone is not compromise.

If she feels so uncomfortable then she should spent Christmas with others who share her values. Does she expect your house to be free of animal products completely? Should none of you have consumed animal products in the previous 24 hours in case it's in your digestive system. Does she not shop in supermarkets? Would she expect everyone to check that they are not wearing leather or silk? Where does the madness end?

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 03/11/2019 09:03

Actually thinking again, I'm more swayed to the argument shes looking for an excuse to get out of a big family get together as the only single one, rather than being a difficult vegan.

This would mean she can have a nice day by herself and pop in to DNs and parents and sister for a couple of hours, but not have to do a whole day of sitting around with family.

Take her up on the coming over after the meal idea. Buy the dcs something like a big lego set or board game to be played with Aunty Vegan.

BertrandRussell · 03/11/2019 09:19

Nah- it’s a “let’s all get cross with the mythical vegan” thread.

Yespleaselouise · 03/11/2019 09:45

Do it once and you’ll be expected to do it again and again and again....

MaudesMum · 03/11/2019 09:56

In case this leads to any sort of family conflict, I'd take her at her word and present it as a shared decision for everyone else. "Because xxx doesn't want to sit at the table whilst we're eating meat (although I'd offered to provide her with a vegan meal), we've agreed she's going to join us after we've eaten". Job done.

cannycat20 · 03/11/2019 10:01

My issue with the recently-encountered vegan was not, actually, the veganism. If we survive as a species, yes, it's fairly likely that in 200-300 years time everyone will be vegan. It's also fairly likely that time outdoors will be limited due to pollution and/or climate change, whatever form that takes where we are, and we'll all have to recycle urine in our own homes to have water to drink, and that power will come from some kind of solar or geothermal source (and no, I don't mean fracking). There'll also probably be far fewer of us.

As mentioned in my last message, I have several long-term vegan/vegetarian friends (I mean, we've been friends and they've been on their diets for over 30 years, so, you know, it's definitely not just a passing fashionable fad for them). If we go to a restaurant together, I might have a meat-based meal, I might not. I don't expect them to cater for my diet if I stay with them, and if they stay with me there are usually two options on offer, one with vegan choices (they usually get oat milk, since oats will, at least, grow in the UK) and one with animal-based produce.

My vegan and veggie friends (all of whom ARE pretty reasonable) know their best chance of persuading me (and others) to eat fewer animal products, apart from the ethical arguments, is when they make me yummy meals or share yummy recipes. And some of the best desserts I've ever had have been vegan. Made with tofu. (Made from soya, another crop that I don't think grows naturally in the UK at present? As with lentils [see below] I could only find one UK-based supplier. So it's a fair bet that if you're using tofu you're adding food miles.)

What annoyed me about the recent vegan encounter was that I got a lecture on how it isn't possible to "pretend to be concerned about the planet" and still eat animal-based produce. And then they used lentils as an example of what I should be eating. Last time I checked, lentils a) aren't that easy a crop to grow, in our northern European climate (I could find ONE consistent supplier and I don't think they currently produce enough for 66 million people) so b) most of them have to be imported. From countries considerably poorer than our own, where they were a staple crop for the poor, but have now become unaffordable for some. And all of this coming from someone who drove a car around a hundred miles a day for work (and not an electric or hybrid one either), drank almond milk (California wildfires, anyone?), and took vitamin supplements. That's before the "vegetarian leather" issue and the, so who actually DID sow and reap those vegetables and fruits you're eating? And how come she got so wound up about animals but she didn't care about the human agricultural workers put up in dodgy caravans, if they're lucky, who make that vegan diet possible?

No matter what our lifestyle, we have an impact on the planet. Just sitting still in the middle of a forest and doing nothing, we're still consuming oxygen. So the thing that really got my goat was the sheer hypocrisy of this particular vegan effectively saying she was doing everything so perfectly she was saving the planet single-handedly when even vegan life choices come at a cost to the Earth....I made a tongue-in-cheek comment to someone recently about how "vegan water" might be a good product to market and another vegan actually took me seriously and hastened to explain to me that all water is, in fact, vegan...

(And on a separate note, don't you just love Christmas for the way it brings family arguments and differences to the fore?!)

Whatagreytdoggo · 03/11/2019 10:02

@Disfordarkchocolate I'll be honest, i don't cook the Christmas dinner, my wonderful mother does and i don't think she uses honey. However everything else, milk, butter and eggs etc are easily replaced. She makes everyones mash vegan so she only has to do one batch and nobody noticed until we told them a couple of Christmas in! Tastes exactly the same. even to her "I'm not eating any of that vegan shit" husband Grin

EmmaGrundyForPM · 03/11/2019 10:07

you've offered to.cook her a separate meal and plate up away from the table. That's fair. She is now being ridiculous. I would suggest she comes after the meal if that works for her. I certainly wouldn't cook a vegan Christmas lunch for everyone else

ThanksForAllTheFish · 03/11/2019 10:19

YANBU. Christmas dinner is a big deal for lots of people. It is totally unfair of her to expect you to make the entire meal vegan for everyone.

I am vegetarian and I tend to drink my own food when I go to christmas dinner at the inlaws. (Main, potatoes and gravy anyway) they cook what they do as normal and I bring alternatives for what I can’t have.

I think your best option is to let her eat dinner at her own place and come over later.

RockinHippy · 03/11/2019 10:24

Tell princess vegan nickers to bugger right off Shock

We don't eat meat either, never really have & I also don't like the look of a carcass etc, but I would never dream of being as rude as your Dsis, you offered her a free Xmas dinner & her reply is to tell you what everyone else has to eat too. F that fir a lark, she is outrageous

Yespleaselouise · 03/11/2019 10:28

......& actually, with all the homeless and poorly people, her attitude is really very sad and disproportionate Sad

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/11/2019 10:37

Thinking about it, there's another good reason it'll work better if she comes after the food ... if she's the attention seeking type of vegan, there's every chance she'd spend a good part of the meal delivering a diatribe about what's on everyone else's plates

Not exactly what others might want on what should be a nice family occasion

JollyAndBright · 03/11/2019 10:38

I’ve been a vegan most of my life, she is being ridiculous.

I’m thrilled if people make an effort to make me something special, expecting the meat not to be a center piece is a bit precious and while I wouldn’t enjoy looking at it as a guest in someone else’s home I would suck it.
Demanding everything be vegan is utterly ridiculous, it would be great for conscious efforts to be made to make better choices where possible, but it sounds like you already do that so she’s being even more unreasonable.

I’d bet my Sunday roast she is a recently turned preachy vegan too

Jeezoh · 03/11/2019 10:40

I’d call her bluff and accept her offer to come after the meal, I bet she backtracks when she realises she’ll miss out on dinner with the family!

BiBiBirdie · 03/11/2019 10:41

This is what annoys me with the militant bloody Vegan crew. I don't mind if they're vegan, or vegetarian, I respect their choice. Why can't they do the same?
She is a guest in your home and needs to show good grace and manners.
I would respond, "oh well that's a shame, hope you can make plans with someone who shares your viewpoint". Then disengage. Do not be bullied!

Morgan12 · 03/11/2019 10:45

😂😂😂😂😂😂
Tell her to get a life ffs.

PleaseNoFortnite · 03/11/2019 10:46

I've never had this from any of the vegans I know IRL, they're usually really careful not to proselytise and very sensitive to what other people want.

Maybe just because she's your sister she thinks she can ask just in case you might agree?

squiglet111 · 03/11/2019 10:50

This is the kind of vegan that gives vegans a bad name! Just because she doesn't want to see any meat products doesn't mean that everyone else's needs and wants get pushed aside!

Let her come after. Don't ruin Xmas lunch for everyone else for the sake of someone selfish.

billy1966 · 03/11/2019 10:51

I had a gang of my DD's friends here the other night and made a delicious spaghetti Bolognese for 8 with homemade garlic bread.

Well, between I don't eat red meat/white meat/ tomatoes/ any meat/bread/dairy!

I didn't bat an eyelid, just said, plain pasta it is girls.

There were several 😲faces that I wasn't creating multiple dishes.

I overheard that lots of these are recent decisions and there actually was a bit one upmanshipping as to how many things some of them are no longer eating!

Tedious, but fortunately not my circus.😂

BertrandRussell · 03/11/2019 11:09

“ I've never had this from any of the vegans I know IRL,”
No neither has anyone else. It’s all bollocks

MaxNormal · 03/11/2019 11:16

No neither has anyone else. It’s all bollock

Honestly Bertrand I know one in real life. She considers herself to be an animal activist.

Booksandwine80 · 03/11/2019 11:21

YANBU

Absolutely do not bow down to her demands. She’s the type of vegan who really pisses me off as she wants to force her views on others.

She sounds bloody ungrateful and entitled.

FionaOgre · 03/11/2019 11:24

I'm all for people choosing veganism and vegetarianism. I totally support a person's choice to not eat meat. I can understand revulsion at the thought of eating the flesh of a dead animal. That said, I grew up farming and love my meat. I cannot see me ever giving up meat.

Your DSis is being one of "those" vegans. One that makes people dislike vegans.

So she won't sit by with a meat dinner? I can kind of understand her not wanting to see a dead turkey on the table but to refuse vegetarian too? Bullshit. So if you did a vegan dinner you'd also have to hide the tins of Christmas Roses, the kid's Haribo treats and the wine? Would she expect your guests to run off to the bathroom to snaffle the Christmas Quality street all day long? Guests hiding in bedrooms to eat their mince pies?

She's being a dick. And in no way would I entertain the idea of a vegan Christmas dinner myself. Whilst I may like foods that don't have animal products in such as a carrot or chickpeas, a vegan dinner would be dreadful. Especially if it has any meat substitute products in like tofurkey or vegan "bacon". It's vile.

Tell her you'll see her another time. HER choices are her business. Like religion, she is free to practice it herself but can take a running jump if she thinks she can force it on others.

ArnoldWhatshisknickers · 03/11/2019 11:48

I didn't bat an eyelid, just said, plain pasta it is girls.

Honestly, when did people start expecting their relatives, friends, friends parents to cater to their every whim?

Such behaviour used to be considered rude.