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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas Dinner issue...

231 replies

katycb · 02/11/2019 21:21

So I'm hosting Xmas for us (family of 5 all kids under 7) and my parents/ in laws this year. I have invited my sister who is a strict vegan so was obviously going to make sure she had a decent vegan option. I understand that she doesn't like seeing meat as a centre piece so I offered to plate up separately so this wasn't an issue to which she said she would still feel uncomfortable, I then offered to cook a veggie meal to avoid this so she would have lots of choice and even if some stuff has dairy in it she shouldn't be distressed looking at it .. Apparently this isn't enough and she will only come if everything is Vegan... A part of me thinks that I want to compromise so that all my family can be there the other part thinks that I have already been really fair and there are 9 others to think about...she had then offered to come but not for the meal and I really don't know what to do. So aibu to just cook what we would normally have with a vegan option and plate up separately and say that's the compromise or should I cook a vegan meal for 10..

OP posts:
campion · 02/11/2019 23:03

She hasn't quite got the 'peace and goodwill' bit of Christmas, has she?

Tell her to come round later. Meanwhile get her to look up the word sanctimonious.

UniversalAunt · 02/11/2019 23:05

Seeing as you ask, some vegan foodstuffs such as tofu, tempeh, seitan etc can be pimped up with strong umami flavours that savoury meat eaters enjoy.

gamerwidow · 02/11/2019 23:06

If was going to a vegan's house for Xmas dinner I would be happy to eat vegan.
If the majority of my guests were vegan at Xmas I'd be happy to cook an exclusively vegan dinner.
If I had a vegan guest for Xmas I'd be happy to cook an extra vegan dish and be really vigilant to ensure no cross contamination with meat and to not make meat a centre piece.
There is no way though that I'd cook a vegan Xmas dinner when only 1/10 guests was actually vegan.
She's being unreasonable let her come later.

Wizzbangpop · 02/11/2019 23:07

Even as a 7 years old I would be pretty pissed off if my aunt rocked up and said no turkey or pigs & blankets etc.

Insist you dish up as you intend and she either likes it or lumps it. She is being a cf for dictating how you do Christmas in your home

Junkmail · 02/11/2019 23:08

Goddamn OP—I swear don’t make everyone eat a vegan Christmas meal! I’ve been a strict vegetarian for 10 years. I went to my brother’s for Christmas last year and he had a meat centrepiece and made a vegetarian option for me and DH. It never even occurred to me to dictate that the rest of the guests should eat the same as me! That would be incredibly rude. The dinner is for everyone to enjoy—not just your sister.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/11/2019 23:09

Funny how vegans never feel obliged to cater for meat-eaters, isn't it?

I think the argument goes something like this: Everyone can eat vegetables but they can't eat meat so their "need" trumps everyone else's

The trouble with some is that it doesn't stop there; you concede one thing and then the next - "I can't be in the presence of meat", etc - comes crawling into view. Pure attention seeking Hmm

Alsohuman · 02/11/2019 23:09

I happily cater for a vegan every Christmas. There’s no way the rest of us aren’t having a traditional Christmas dinner. That’s ridiculous.

BumbleBeee69 · 02/11/2019 23:09

Withdraw the invite.

darkcloudsandrainstorms · 02/11/2019 23:10

I would go for the vegan option for all. It’s only once a year and it’s family and Xmas.

Interestedwoman · 02/11/2019 23:10

YANBU -say you'll offer a vegan option for her. If she decides not to stay for the meal, then that's her choice. Everyone should be able to enjoy a proper xmas meal, not eat nut roast or whatever unless they want to.

BlouseAndSkirt · 02/11/2019 23:10

she had then offered to come but not for the meal

Sounds like a plan!

Do Christmas how you would normally do it! Turkey or whatever but additional vegan dish.

Beyond providing a decent vegan alternative for her there is no need to adjust anyone else’s preferences at all.

GrumpyHoonMain · 02/11/2019 23:10

Why not ask her to host a dinner before or after christmas so she can be involved?

rainbowlou · 02/11/2019 23:11

I have a family member like this so I feel your pain!
I’d tell her to come later, after everyone’s eaten..though say you can’t guarantee you won’t all be having turkey sandwiches later in the evening!!
Seriously hard work but not your problem Flowers

Livpool · 02/11/2019 23:13

My mum is a vegetarian and is coming (along with DF and PIL) to mine for Christmas dinner. I will be plating the meat away from the table, using vegetarian gravy and cooking extra roast potatoes in non-animal fat.

Anything else is ridiculous

Sparklybanana · 02/11/2019 23:13

This is why people hate vegans. One or two crazies thinking they are right and everyone else is wrong. Unless they eat local food only it’s unlikely their diet is ecologically better. It’s unlikely that their food doesn’t cause harm to animals (palm oil?). It’s not better for you either as it’s easy to be vegan on a diet of crisps. Few vegans and vegetarians (and I include myself) can truly call their own diet righteous enough to demand that others eat their way or not at all. She’s being a dick. She’s not going to blackmail you into eating vegan and for everyone to be happy with her for have that control so she’s going to have to be by herself for a diet fad that in all likelihood, she’ll give up. I’ve not met many veggies who have been veggie for decades but I’ve met lots of meat eaters who used to be vegetarian....

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 02/11/2019 23:14

BTW - if pre-veganism she loved Christmas dinner, do you think there's an element of her not wanting to be round a proper roast as she wouldn't trust herself not to have some/it would be too reminding of what she's missing out on?

Just say you'll be done with the lunch at X time, come round then. Don't have her over before hand as you'll need to cook and if you are trying to host her (not in the kitchen obviously where the meat products are being cooked/are on view), you might end up either not givign her any quality time or ruining lunch for everyone else.

DamnItsSevenAM · 02/11/2019 23:15

I'm a vegan and I don't think she is being reasonable asking you to cook vegan for everybody. Having said that, if she feels that strongly about it that she is not comfortable with meat being served at all, she's doing the right thing to offer to come later. I think you just have to take her up on that suggestion.

Whatagreytdoggo · 02/11/2019 23:15

I could cope with a vegetarian Christmas dinner as there are lots of lovely veg to eat. Vegan, absolutely not.

What do you think vegans eat? ... Veg. 🙄 (along side the mash, roast potatoes, yummy meat substitutes, gravy. Oh and a boat load of mint sauce.)

Waits for Christmas dinner.. 😋

AdoraBell · 02/11/2019 23:16

YANBU OP

I would tell her to get over herself.

She sounds like my SIL. Vegetarian, her parents eat meat etc, she still lives at home, never moved out. So, every meal they sit together and she has vege meal while they eat their ‘normal’ meal, pork chops, sausages etc and roast chicken.

The only time we invited them for Christmas I cooked her a separate vege pie, not in contact with the turkey. Separate gravy etc. As I sat down I asked ‘is everything okay?’ everyone else said - yes, looks lovely, thanks. She said ‘everything apart from the turkey’. Apparently I was out of order because I pointed out that there was no turkey on her plate.

It’s the only time I have cooked for her. We’ve been married for 20 years and this was before we were married.

Purpleartichoke · 02/11/2019 23:17

There are only a few meals a year I would mind being vegan or vegetarian. Christmas dinner is one on the short list. If you decide to go with a vegan menu to satisfy her, you may lose other guests.

MilesHuntsWig · 02/11/2019 23:17

Been vegan for 20 years and never heard of such a primadonna. Your compromises sound generous, if she's not happy tell her to come after food. Good luck.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/11/2019 23:18

I’ve not met many veggies who have been veggie for decades but I’ve met lots of meat eaters who used to be vegetarian

Ditto, Sparklybanana - and quadruple that for vegans

To clarify, I don't dispute for an instant that there are some highly committed, long term veggies/vegans, but IME it's just a silly fad for many with a side helping of "look at meeeeeee"

Saddler · 02/11/2019 23:19

Tell her to please herself and stay at home she sounds like an absolute nause

TriciaH87 · 02/11/2019 23:21

If she doesn't want to see the meat etc plate hers up she can eat in a different room. I wouldn't give up my turkey if it was my brother and he would be travelling 150 miles. His not veggie or vegan but if he was I wouldn't let him dictate Christmas for the rest of us.

Bettyrubblespumps · 02/11/2019 23:22

darkcloudsandrainstorms Sat 02-Nov-19 23:10:04
I would go for the vegan option for all. It’s only once a year and it’s family and Xmas

Oh behave Hmm more fool you if you allow such an unreasonable request - OP's offered to cater for her vegan diet, the diva is trying to dictate when she's a guest - bloody rude.

Anyone who would pander to this would be a bloody mug