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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex is singling out my older child because he’s not his child.

142 replies

bmak · 02/11/2019 17:27

AIBU to think that it is wrong of my ex to single out my older son because he’s not his child?
My sons almost 8 and doesn’t have his dad in his life so when I got with my now ex I was wary of the effect it may have on my son. My ex was great with him and made an effort with him but, we broke up whilst pregnant with out now 11 week old son and today when he came to pick him up my older son went outside to ask my ex if he could go with him too. His reply was “no, your not allowed to anymore” and apparently that is my fault. I think that was cruel and I think he’s doing it to spite me! It get me so angry how he is being towards my son, I understand he doesn’t have to take him but, he knew when we got together that he would be getting involved with my child too.

OP posts:
RedskyToNight · 02/11/2019 17:34

How long were you together? Unless ex adopted your son, he doesn't have to have anything to do with him (however nice it might be) and it sound like he's trying to make a clean break. Why is your son's dad not in his life? I think my anger would be more directed at him.

GreenTulips · 02/11/2019 17:34

How long were you together?
Assume the break up was recent and he’s taken it badly?

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 02/11/2019 17:37

This is one of the things not enough women consider when they have more children with a new partner and the older children are left feeling rejected and hurt.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 02/11/2019 17:39

Is this your ExH or Exp? Were you living together, if so for how long?

It's tricky, one would hope your Ex would be kind about the situation and more gradually reduce contact, however it's true isn't it? It's not his child, his relationship (if any) with him existed solely due to his relationship with you and that has now ended.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 02/11/2019 17:39

He has his own child now, it changes the dynamic in a relationship where there are existing step children and even more so after a split.

I’d be more angry at his actual father than a boyfriend that has come and gone.

GruciusMalfoy · 02/11/2019 17:40

I really think it depends largely on how long you were together. was he there from your son being a baby or toddler, or wasn't newer relationship? I feel sorry for your son in any case, this sort of thing should be dealt with sensitively.

Mickhasnotorso · 02/11/2019 17:41

That's cruel.

You're not having the best of luck in the baby daddy department are you?

Theresnobslikeshowbs · 02/11/2019 17:43

You are expecting your ex to act as a father to your eldest which he isn’t. He has his own son now. So unless he adopted him, then that’s the way things work unfortunately.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 02/11/2019 17:48

Thing is he isn’t his Dad.

When he loved you, had a relationship with you naturally he had to make an effort with the child but I don’t really see why he needs too.

I’m sorry your DS has a shit Dad but that really isn’t ex fault, and I totally get why he doesn’t want to play daddy tbh to a child that isn’t his

MrsBertBibby · 02/11/2019 17:50

Christ alive, he's a nasty bastard. How unspeakably cruel to a young boy, to withdraw his affection and pretend it 's your fault.

He really sucks.

MrsBertBibby · 02/11/2019 17:54

And shame on those defending his callous behaviour here. You don't get to pick up and drop people like this, let alone children.

Is that how you bring your children up?

Walnutwhipster · 02/11/2019 17:55

I feel dreadfully sorry for your eight year old but he isn't his dad unless he adopted him. Sadly I think this happens a lot. I've also seen this from the other side when step parents put their heart and soul into their step children, only to have the mothers not let them have any contact after spending many years in the role of father.

Dollymixture22 · 02/11/2019 17:55

Your ex is a dick. He shouldn’t have spoken to your son like this. I hope you have Comforted your little boy.

As others have asked, how long was this man in your sons life? You can’t force him to have a relationship with your son - but it’s another rejection for a father figure which could be very damaging.

I hope this doesn’t sound patronising, but this is the second relationship you have had with a man who has walked away from your child. You now have two children with two men who aren’t great fathers. There seems to be a pattern here you should address

Contraceptionismyfriend · 02/11/2019 17:56

He was nice to your child when you were together. Because you were in a relationship. But he was never his father.
Your charmed child is his child.

He has no legal, financial or moral obligation to a child he never fathered.
It's not cruel and effectively it is your fault.

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 02/11/2019 17:57

Ideally you’d have had a chat with your ex when you broke up and decided what relationship he would have with your eldest child and then you could prepare your son for that. You need to have a chat with your son now about the difference between him and his sibling as far as ex is concerned and why baby goes with him and he doesn’t. Try and make it as light and cheery as possible and make sure he knows it isn’t because he has done anything wrong but that he and ex will have a different relationship now ex has moved out.

Sn0tnose · 02/11/2019 18:01

I think he sounds horrible. You can’t just come into a child’s life, build a family unit and then cut that child out of your life because you’re not with the other parent any more. That’s a shit thing to do, especially when he’s going to be having regular contact with your younger child. Would it really have been that difficult for him to take your elder child with them for the day?

A decent man and a good father would never mess about with a child’s emotions like that. It’s cruel.

covetingthepreciousthings · 02/11/2019 18:04

*He was nice to your child when you were together. Because you were in a relationship. But he was never his father.
Your charmed child is his child.

He has no legal, financial or moral obligation to a child he never fathered.
It's not cruel and effectively it is your fault.*

This man could have been in the boys life for 6 years for all we know at this point and you really think that's ok that he's dropping this child at the drop of a hat! Hmm

Mammylamb · 02/11/2019 18:05

He’s cruel. No need to be nasty to the poor child.

But seriously, think long and hard before having any more children

Contraceptionismyfriend · 02/11/2019 18:07

Does it suck? Yes. But that's what happens. Relationships end and you both walk away. The only tie that usually remains is shared children. He's seeing his child.

This was on the OP to deal with. Did she know he was going to go and ask him this? Did she check before what the arrangement would be?

VanyaHargreeves · 02/11/2019 18:08

As awful as it is for your poor son, this man having separated from you, no longer has any obligation to him, and is possibly being cruel to be kind, as he doesn't want a child that is not his to have any kind of expectation of him.

I'm amazed that you thought he would really given that he was clearly awful enough to split from.

VanyaHargreeves · 02/11/2019 18:11

Hang on?

Your son with him is a newborn and you split up with his father during your pregnancy.

How long were you even together?

Dollymixture22 · 02/11/2019 18:11

Op I have just done a quick search of your previous posts and this man appears to have been in your so’s. Life for about two years, and subjected you to some horrendous domestic violence.

I hope you have reported him. And I hope social services are supervising his access to your child.

Why would you want your older child to have a relationship with this man?

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 02/11/2019 18:11

But seriously, think long and hard before having any more children

Or relationships. You’re not picking good’uns.

CTRL · 02/11/2019 18:13

The critical question is how long were you together for ?

VanyaHargreeves · 02/11/2019 18:13

So you want your son to have a relationship with a man he's known for two years who has been repeatedly violent to you?

Your whole thinking process needs to change, I'm afraid OP