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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex is singling out my older child because he’s not his child.

142 replies

bmak · 02/11/2019 17:27

AIBU to think that it is wrong of my ex to single out my older son because he’s not his child?
My sons almost 8 and doesn’t have his dad in his life so when I got with my now ex I was wary of the effect it may have on my son. My ex was great with him and made an effort with him but, we broke up whilst pregnant with out now 11 week old son and today when he came to pick him up my older son went outside to ask my ex if he could go with him too. His reply was “no, your not allowed to anymore” and apparently that is my fault. I think that was cruel and I think he’s doing it to spite me! It get me so angry how he is being towards my son, I understand he doesn’t have to take him but, he knew when we got together that he would be getting involved with my child too.

OP posts:
Original poster
bmak · 02/11/2019 18:44

@IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory, I didn’t say I was perfect. It’s easier than it may seem to become entrapped in a relationship with a horrible person who actually appears to be a decent one. But I got out of it. @AgnesGrundy they know he has contact they really aren’t concerned at all as he was never violent in front of my son or ever violent towards my son. Tbh I would have rather them have gotten involved so I could have been advised but they weren’t interested

OP posts:
VanyaHargreeves · 02/11/2019 18:45

Have you considered that he possibly genuinely thinks he isn't allowed given that he's not his son and SS have been involved

I think that you are behaving very oddly by trying to add this to a long list of misdemeanours of his and start another "ain't he awful" thread when you really should be relieved and thanking your lucky stars he is NOT insisting on having your 8yo as well as your newborn.

Original poster
bmak · 02/11/2019 18:45

Also I don’t believe I can just stop him seeing his son as he does have rights too.

OP posts:
AgnesGrundy · 02/11/2019 18:46

My YABU vote is because YABU to want your little boy in this creature's company, not because he's being reasonable - he's clearly the special type of male animal that'd eat his own young if their mother pissed him off...

Contraceptionismyfriend · 02/11/2019 18:48

Why was he even around your son?! You can't bitch him out for how he is around him. You shouldn't have allowed him to get close enough to him for that to happen.

Original poster
bmak · 02/11/2019 18:48

@VanyaHargreeves. It’s very tiresome repeating myself to everybody but I’ll say it again anyway. It isn’t about him taking him! It is about the way he is being towards him, cold and cruel. There are ways to talk to a child and also by telling him it’s my fault is also disgusting. Wow I’m guessing you all have really perfect lives. I hold my hands up to my mistakes I am not in no way saying I’m perfect but I’m sure none of you are either

OP posts:
Advicewel · 02/11/2019 18:48

My dad walked out on me to bring up a kid with another woman who wasn't his, I was 10 years old, I learned pretty bloody quick what you don't have you do not miss!
Make mental note, when going into a relationship with a new man a while into the future make sure he's a keeper if not don't get pregnant by him!

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 02/11/2019 18:49

I didn’t say I was perfect.

No one is. But you can be smarter going forward. More children shouldn’t even be on your radar right now. Your priorities should be your sons and the freedom programme then moving in with your life. Relationship aren’t a priority.

AgnesGrundy · 02/11/2019 18:49

I'm pretty sure father's don't have a right to remove 11 week old babies from their mothers. They have a right to a relationship with their children under normal circumstances where they haven't got a history of assault and battery, but with an 11 week old that wouldn't usually involve taking them away to another house.

Original poster
bmak · 02/11/2019 18:50

I had already told my son previously he won’t be seeing him anymore, I had already tried to explain in a way that didn’t make him feel crap. I don’t need or want him taking him but as I have already said IT IS ABOUT THE WAY HE HAS BEEN TOWARDS HIM

OP posts:
AgnesGrundy · 02/11/2019 18:50

*stray apostrophe sorry

isadoradancing123 · 02/11/2019 18:50

No need to be so mean to the little boy he could have gradually reduced taking him, horrible man being nasty to you through a child

SheruMoo · 02/11/2019 18:51

Honestly you've got bigger problems than how this man spoke to your child. Did you really expect a man who resorts to violence to show any amount of caring or compassion? Never mind this joker and move on with your life and this time protect both your sons.

Namechangerextraordinaire1 · 02/11/2019 18:51

Well. I do think he was unnecessarily harsh to your 8 year old son but I think it's for the best.

Also, I have been the other side of this. My ex had a dd when we got together, we had a child together and then split up when our dd was about 1. It was very hard to figure out what sort of level of contact to maintain with his dd. And how long to keep it going on for. We were never especially close and she had a mother who she had an active regular relationship with so I wasn't a surrogate mother type figure in her life. Being so harsh is obviously not the right way to do it, but it is difficult to gauge how to behave and how long to stay involved. I took my cue from her and she never seemed particularly interested in maintaining the relationship, but I do remember being young and feeling like it was quite awkward to navigate!

VanyaHargreeves · 02/11/2019 18:52

It is about the way he is being towards him, cold and cruel

Given what he has done to YOU WHY do you expect better behaviour from him to your son?

The man is clearly a nasty piece of work and you know this

This is what nasty pieces of work do.

I think you need the support of a good counsellor OP the way you think about this whole situation is really off kilter.

Original poster
bmak · 02/11/2019 18:52

@AgnesGrundy He is on the birth certificate which gives him parental rights too. Tbh I find it very confusing but if I could just bring him up myself I would be more than happy To do so. By stopping him having him I don’t think that would go in my favour if we were to go to court

OP posts:
IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 02/11/2019 18:52

I had already told my son previously he won’t be seeing him anymore

So your ex was just confirming exactly what you’d told him then! Confused

AgnesGrundy · 02/11/2019 18:54

bmak obviously he's been a shit towards him, because he is a shit. You knew that surely? I think everyone is surprised that you're surprised that the man who beat you up and dragged you around the floor and put his foot on your throat isn't actually genuinely a decent bloke who just can't help being kind to animals and small children...

Original poster
bmak · 02/11/2019 18:55

@VanyaHargreeves I guess I’m naive and hope that people are better than what they are. I know I wouldn’t take my relationship issues out on a child so I guess I expect other people to be the same.

OP posts:
Chloe84 · 02/11/2019 18:55

I voted YABU based on the OP, but actually after reading all your updates, I say YANBU. The way he went about excluding your DS was very cruel and cowardly. He did blame you. Just be thankful you're well rid of him and your elder DS doesn't have to be around him anymore.

You say he dosn't like that you've moved on. He's just a sulky manchild isn't he, taking it out on your ds.

Original poster
bmak · 02/11/2019 18:57

@IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory wow, you must really not know how to communicate with children then. There is no need to be cold towards a child and blame it on me. I didn’t just bluntly tell my son he wouldn’t be seeing him anymore because he’s an c**t

OP posts:
Bowerbird5 · 02/11/2019 18:58

OP I have seen this time and again with children. It is sad for your son. Could you dad sometimes do something with him on (baby's)contact days? Maybe collect him beforehand and on other days tell your son that it is your special time to do things that are difficult with a baby. Make it about him and he will feel it less.

Your ex is hitting back because he knows it will hurt you. It shows what sort he is.

Original poster
bmak · 02/11/2019 18:58

@Chloe84 thank you! My issue is how he is treating him not that he hasn’t taken him.

OP posts:
Original poster
bmak · 02/11/2019 19:00

@Bowerbird5 yes my dad spoils him a lot already, too much lol. I try to take him out wen much as possible so he doesn’t feel left out.

OP posts:
Yestermo · 02/11/2019 19:04

He is a horrible shit but as your son's mother you hugely need to address why you stayed with this violent man and went through with having his child. Your DS will be aware of the domestic violence so the best thing you can do is send him the message that he doesn't have to have anyhong to do with him and quite likely he is better off having no dad that a shit dad.

Similarly you might need to realise that for you having no man in your life is the best thing for your children and you.