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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex is singling out my older child because he’s not his child.

142 replies

bmak · 02/11/2019 17:27

AIBU to think that it is wrong of my ex to single out my older son because he’s not his child?
My sons almost 8 and doesn’t have his dad in his life so when I got with my now ex I was wary of the effect it may have on my son. My ex was great with him and made an effort with him but, we broke up whilst pregnant with out now 11 week old son and today when he came to pick him up my older son went outside to ask my ex if he could go with him too. His reply was “no, your not allowed to anymore” and apparently that is my fault. I think that was cruel and I think he’s doing it to spite me! It get me so angry how he is being towards my son, I understand he doesn’t have to take him but, he knew when we got together that he would be getting involved with my child too.

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 02/11/2019 19:06

You’re going to have to handle this for the next eighteen years. Maybe next time it’s wise to keep dating and children apart and not have any more.

Original poster
bmak · 02/11/2019 19:08

Dating is not on my agenda for a long time, I actually enjoy being alone with my boys. If anything this past relationship has clarified that for me

OP posts:
2020bump · 02/11/2019 19:09

In your position I'd give your little boy a big hug ad take him out for his own chosen treat x

AgnesGrundy · 02/11/2019 19:12

bmak it would be worth a call to the gingerbread family law advice line or similar - PR (responsibility not rights) means that the non resident parent is entitled to be involved in big decisions about the child but not that they they are entitled to unsupervised sole charge of babies. Having a history of serious domestic violence is obviously relevant. Stopping contact would be I'll advised before court but there is a big grey area between the usual short visits in the family home with a grandparent/ family friend as chaperone, and letting a violent man remove your very young unweaned baby.

GooseFeather · 02/11/2019 19:14

He is a nasty violent man who enjoys abusing those smaller and weaker than himself. He likes the power. Why would you expect him not to take that opportunity against your son? It is another route to abusing you and hurting you through him. SS do consider him dangerous and a risk, just will not intervene as long as you are not in a relationship. They are warning you that if you go back to him, your children may be at risk of removal.

While you may not like people's directness, they are right that if you keep making poor decisions for partners, you are making poor decisions about who gets introduced into their lives. And you need to stop that.

escapade1234 · 02/11/2019 19:15

Do you have 3 children or 2?

iwunderwhy · 02/11/2019 19:16

@MrsBertBibby Thank you for your decency !!!

How is it ok for a grown man to affect love for a boy which he immediately withdraws to punish the mother of their new baby. That boy he's excluding emotionally is BTW is the half brother of his baby son!!

OP as other's point out it, doesn't matter how long he has 'played' your young son.

All you can do now is work very hard to find healthy and SAFE father figure replacements for him. Its not easy either it used to be the church, or boy scouts and look at where that got us with all the abuse. What a nasty little man your ex is.

The smug "baby daddy" shamers on here who seem to think shit cannot happen to them are too DISGUSTING.

Original poster
bmak · 02/11/2019 19:16

I have 2 children and yes I will learn from my mistakes

OP posts:
escapade1234 · 02/11/2019 19:16

Sorry, I misread something. I know you have two.

funinthesun19 · 02/11/2019 19:16

He has a moral and legal responsibility towards his son that he does not have towards your oldest son.

He may not have the money to take your son out. He may just want to concentrate on his own child in order to give them the best life possible. Why is that so bad?

I know I will have all this contend with soon but from my stbx’s ex. I won’t have the time, money, resources, space, etc.. to pretend I have an extra child.

I’m sure your ex might have your oldest round for tea occasionally or for the odd sleepover maybe? I don’t think you can ask for any more that really. That’s all I plan to do.

SheruMoo · 02/11/2019 19:18

Never mind what has been said you need a bloody residency order pronto or he could simply keep your 11 week old son. He's shown you who he is - believe him!

plantainchips · 02/11/2019 19:20

I clicked YABU but on reflection I don’t think you are.
You and him weren’t together for a long time. It was a short relationship so it’s expected that he wouldn’t really maintain contact with your older son. However, I think there are nicer ways of letting a child down more slowly. He didn’t need to be that cruel. Smile

BrendasUmbrella · 02/11/2019 19:24

Well that's how it goes?! My DM and DSF split up when I was 14. More than 30 years later, and we are making plans for Christmas day. We never lost touch. he never treated me as less than his biological child. He's not even the most amazing person to walk the earth - he's just normal. Who are these sub humans who walk away from their children's siblings, and why is it apparently so normalized?!

And by the way OP, your ex does not have the right to see your 11 week old baby away from your home. You need to post a separate thread on that because you need some advice.

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 02/11/2019 19:29

wow, you must really not know how to communicate with children then. There is no need to be cold towards a child and blame it on me. I didn’t just bluntly tell my son he wouldn’t be seeing him anymore because he’s an ct

Nor did your ex according to what you wrote in your OP

His reply was “no, your not allowed to anymore”

I’m sure your ex might have your oldest round for tea occasionally or for the odd sleepover maybe? I don’t think you can ask for any more that really.

I’d bloody hope she doesn’t even ask for that!!!

Loveislandaddict · 02/11/2019 19:31

Who made the decision that ex should see older son? Was it you or ex?

funinthesun19 · 02/11/2019 19:33

I’d bloody hope she doesn’t even ask for that!!!

What do you mean? Are you saying it’s a bad suggestion because he shouldn’t be expected to do those things or because he should be doing more? Sorry I’m just a bit confused.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/11/2019 19:37

You're right in that the way he said it was cruel and unnecessary. There would have been a kinder way to 'back out' of a relationship with your son. But you can't control this man, you can only control your end of the situation. Perhaps arrange for your son to be gone when he picks up the baby. Or have things set up so that the minute your ex departs with the baby you and DS leave for an outing or special treat, just the two of you.

As far as ex's family, if you choose to cater to them for the sake of some nappies, that's your choice. Personally, I'd buy my own nappies and cut them out of my life. If they want to see the baby, let your ex arrange that.

littleduckeggblue · 02/11/2019 19:39

Sorry but he's not cruel. Push your anger towards your sons actual father.
Him taking the baby gives you the perfect chance to have one on one time with the 8 yr old

Lellikelly26 · 02/11/2019 19:39

It’s cruel of him to do that to a child and just shows you what he’s about. I temporarily split from my DH he still took my son from a previous relationship out when he saw our DD. We got back together and he and my DS get on great.

I’m so sorry for your son this has happened please tell him of all the concern for him on here and how worthwhile he is. Sending lots of love

Original poster
bmak · 02/11/2019 19:40

@iwunderwhy and @BrendasUmbrella thank you for not being so judgemental as many others have been! And to other posters I don’t know how many times I must say this but it isn’t about him taking him it’s about the way he has been towards him!! I wouldn’t even ask him to take him cause I do not need him to at all. And with regards to him taking him for tea or sleepovers @funinthesun19 I don’t want him to. And he was just going to his mothers house where my son used to play so It has nothing to Do with money or anything like that, and as I said before he just passes the baby to his mum anyway

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 02/11/2019 19:43

Ah I get you now.

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 02/11/2019 19:43

What do you mean? Are you saying it’s a bad suggestion because he shouldn’t be expected to do those things or because he should be doing more? Sorry I’m just a bit confused.

He’s violently abusive. He stood on Ops face.

VanyaHargreeves · 02/11/2019 19:48

I doubt very much that the supportive posters have registered the full story...

GertiMJN · 02/11/2019 19:50

No one on this thread thinks anyone should be deliberately cruel or unkind to a child.

But I think most posters are baffled by why you are asking the question.

I'm certainly baffled as to why you would expect any form of decency from a man who is the clearly the opposite of a decent person!

His treatment of ds1 is just another example. I'm guessing you could write a long list of things your ex should not have done.

Singlenotsingle · 02/11/2019 19:53

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