Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex is singling out my older child because he’s not his child.

142 replies

bmak · 02/11/2019 17:27

AIBU to think that it is wrong of my ex to single out my older son because he’s not his child?
My sons almost 8 and doesn’t have his dad in his life so when I got with my now ex I was wary of the effect it may have on my son. My ex was great with him and made an effort with him but, we broke up whilst pregnant with out now 11 week old son and today when he came to pick him up my older son went outside to ask my ex if he could go with him too. His reply was “no, your not allowed to anymore” and apparently that is my fault. I think that was cruel and I think he’s doing it to spite me! It get me so angry how he is being towards my son, I understand he doesn’t have to take him but, he knew when we got together that he would be getting involved with my child too.

OP posts:
Advicewel · 02/11/2019 18:16

Yes it's rotten but he has no obligation to raise your son. I feel sorry for your son through no fault of his own his mum and stepdaddy no longer get along, it's a confusing time so it's time you stepped up to the plate, when he takes young son out you take older son out to cinema, swimming anything that's fun or even get him into football or martial arts club. Don't ever use your kids as weapons he's using your son as a weapon against you, what sort of sick bastard gets a thrill of making a wee boy cry?
Make mental note of all of this before you get with a new man that trauma it inflicts on kids. Most Men are notoriously immature

Original poster
bmak · 02/11/2019 18:16

We were together 3 years and he was living with us. No he didn’t adopt him. I understand he’s not his dad and he’s not obliged to take him but I still think it’s rather cruel when he knows the situation With my sons father and he knew that he would be a part of my sons life also when he got with me. I wasn’t the one who pushed for him to be a part of my sons life, I was in fact hesitant and it was him who wanted to play a role. As for my older sons father, he hasn’t been around for a few years now. Unbeknownst to me he was on drugs and would steal to fund his habit, guess I was young and naive so my son is better off without him imo.

OP posts:
Poppinjay · 02/11/2019 18:21

It doesn't matter how long he was in your son's life or even why he was in it. If you have a relationship with a child, you don't suddenly reject them like that.

When adults get involved in children's lives, they take on a level of responsibility for their well-being. That responsibility remains after other relationships end.

Hurting a child because their mother has hurt you is abhorrent.

Your ex had a choice about becoming part of your son's life and he has a duty to make changes in ways that are kind, giving him time to get used to the new normal and making sure he doesn't feel responsible or rejected.

It isn't your fault that your ex is being so unpleasant but I hope you will bear this in mind when bringing new partners into your children's lives in the future.

Nanny0gg · 02/11/2019 18:21

He's horrible.

Would you all walk away from your stepchildren if it was actually still possible to have a relationship and they wanted one?

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 02/11/2019 18:22

I wasn’t the one who pushed for him to be a part of my sons life, I was in fact hesitant and it was him who wanted to play a role.

For future relationships, this is a red flag. It is always you^ who dictates the involvement any partner has with your children and the speed at which it happens. If any man pushes for it- rethink the relationship. Your children are far more important than any relationship and as you can now see- are at risk of being hurt by them.

ForMySorrow · 02/11/2019 18:22

Yes he knew he'd be a part or your sons life when he got with you, but that doesn't extend to a lifelong relationship when you split up. Especially considering the fact it was a short term relationship in the grand scheme of things.

purplepalace · 02/11/2019 18:25

Is this the ex that abused you * 'attacked me, threw me on the floor, put his foot on my face, made me feel like dirt on his shoe*' (extract from one of your previous threads)

Why on earth would you want him in your child's life (let alone have another baby with him)?

Tell your 8YO that he isn't a nice man and he won't be spending time with him anymore - it'll be your special time together for 'big boy' treats, spoil him rotten and he'll soon forget.

And choose a better man next time - this ones rotten and nasty.

Original poster
bmak · 02/11/2019 18:26

Can I just get this across that I know he does not have to take him, and that he does not have any responsibility when it comes to my son but as I said I thought it was cruel to just single him out not because he’s trying to be cruel to be kind as somebody said but more for the fact that he is trying to spite me in some way. I’ve had a talk with my son about the whole situation but I don’t think he fully understands. The thing is my ex expects me to be making an effort with his mum and his family yet I’d rather just keep it clear cut if this is the case. And with regards to the person who said not to have any more children I think that was uncalled for, I may make bad decisions when it has come to my relationships with my children’s fathers but I do my best for my children. Luckily my older son has my father who he is very close too and has been more of a father figure than his own father ever was. I just wanted to know if I was being unreasonable to think it was cruel of him to just tell my son he “isn’t allowed” to go with him anymore

OP posts:
VanyaHargreeves · 02/11/2019 18:28

You not only expect but actively want a violent man to take your 8 yo AND your newborn unsupervised because?

Original poster
bmak · 02/11/2019 18:29

To be honest the breakup wasn’t really bad but I think the fact that I’m not heart broken he’s out of my life is making him more nasty. I don’t need him to be in my older sons life nor does he need him but I just think the way he has gone about things has been nasty.

OP posts:
Chloe84 · 02/11/2019 18:29

I think he should have let your son down gently and gradually reduced contact, but it is unreasonable to expect him to continue to play dad after just 3 years.

MostlyHappyMummy · 02/11/2019 18:30

Absolutely no need for you to have anything to do with your ex's family at all.
Can't see why you feel you should.
If your ex wants your youngest son to see them then it's for him to sort out.

Chloe84 · 02/11/2019 18:31

The thing is my ex expects me to be making an effort with his mum and his family yet I’d rather just keep it clear cut if this is the case.

Dies this mean he expects you to take your baby to see them? Fuck that! I hope you've said no?

Original poster
bmak · 02/11/2019 18:31

@VanyaHargreeves social services have actually stated they do not need to be involved unless we are in a relationship which we are not. I actually contacted them myself. When he takes my baby he takes him to his mothers house and basically just palms him off to her.

OP posts:
Starlight456 · 02/11/2019 18:32

I have also just scrolled back . Be grateful he doesn’t want to see your ds. He is no role model . I also wouldn’t let him be taking my 11 week old unsupervised.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 02/11/2019 18:32

But what do you mean by single him out? They are different. The baby will be going out with his father. Your son won't. You baby will get birthday, Christmas and other gifts that your son won't.
Your baby may go on holiday with his father. Your son won't. That's not singling him out. One is his child. The other isn't.

Original poster
bmak · 02/11/2019 18:33

@Chloe84 yeah or pick him up from his mum, also his mum buys the baby nappies every month and I’m expected to take her which I don’t really think I should have to when her son is totally capable of doing so. His mum will ask me to bring the baby down to her some days too but I don’t really feel like sitting in their home when her son is a asshole

OP posts:
BigChocFrenzy · 02/11/2019 18:34

You haven't answered WHY you'd want a violent abusive ex to maintain a relationship with your DS who isn't his

Contraceptionismyfriend · 02/11/2019 18:34

Defiantly cut contact with his side. Explain that the break up is a clean break. You are keeping to your side. He keeps to his. You communicate with him alone.

VanyaHargreeves · 02/11/2019 18:35

That does not answer why YOU want HIM a dangerous man who social services have said you can't be in a relationship with to essentially provide childcare to YOU for YOUR 8 yr old DS

Mind boggling

Original poster
bmak · 02/11/2019 18:36

@Starlight456 in my reply to another poster I contacted social services myself and they have stated they have no reason to be involved if we aren’t in a relationship as they don’t deem him a threat unless we are together

OP posts:
IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 02/11/2019 18:36

And with regards to the person who said not to have any more children I think that was uncalled for, I may make bad decisions when it has come to my relationships with my children’s fathers but I do my best for my children.

If you’re choosing bad relationships then you categorically are NOT doing what’s best for your children and certainly shouldn’t be planning any more.

TheTrollFairy · 02/11/2019 18:38

I was in fact hesitant

I’m going to sound like a right bitch but it doesn’t sound like you were too hesitant, you moved in and had a child within 3 years. Call me boring but when you have kids, that is quite a small amount of time to move in with someone and have another child.
I think you are very naive if you expected someone to have a continued relationship with your son when they are no longer in a relationship with you

Original poster
bmak · 02/11/2019 18:39

I don’t particularly want him to maintain a relationship with him but what I am trying to explain is that it’s the way he has been towards him. I never said I wanted him to take him. It’s more of how he told him he’s not allowed.

OP posts:
AgnesGrundy · 02/11/2019 18:40

bmak he surely shouldn't be taking your 11 week old baby out of your sight given the history of serious domestic violence purplepalace references Shock

Social services will have said they don't need to be involved because you're not in a relationship because he isn't involved with your children, not because you're letting him have unsupervised contact.

Obviously he's cruel - given his history that cannot be a surprise - but your 8 year old has dodged a bullet/ fist by being rejected. Far better the despicable excuse for a human being hurts his feelings while you're there to protect him than abuse him elsewhere having taken him away with your consent!