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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex is singling out my older child because he’s not his child.

142 replies

bmak · 02/11/2019 17:27

AIBU to think that it is wrong of my ex to single out my older son because he’s not his child?
My sons almost 8 and doesn’t have his dad in his life so when I got with my now ex I was wary of the effect it may have on my son. My ex was great with him and made an effort with him but, we broke up whilst pregnant with out now 11 week old son and today when he came to pick him up my older son went outside to ask my ex if he could go with him too. His reply was “no, your not allowed to anymore” and apparently that is my fault. I think that was cruel and I think he’s doing it to spite me! It get me so angry how he is being towards my son, I understand he doesn’t have to take him but, he knew when we got together that he would be getting involved with my child too.

OP posts:

nicenewdusters · 03/11/2019 00:00

I understand the question you're asking OP. What's unclear is why, given the history you have with this man, you are overly concerned about his remark to your son. Yes it was cruel, but then you know he's a cruel man. Yes he appears to be putting the blame on you, but is this really a surprise or out of character?

I think it's of concern that you're minimising the potential risk to your baby of leaving him with your ex. Any person who can be that violent can't or won't ring fence when they act that way. You also seem unable to state your own need, which is not to become involved with visiting his family to enable them to see their grandchild.

It would be good if you could reflect upon why you find it difficult to put your needs and wants first, or at least equal to another adults. Also why it appears that you are steam rollered into situations, such as your ex getting involved with your son at an early stage, his family pressing for you to be involved with them, his taking your baby at such a young age given his violent history.

Evilspiritgin · 03/11/2019 00:16

Actually I don’t think what he said is cruel (I’m not saying he isn’t cruel), would people have rather he spun a young boy a line

hammeringinmyhead · 03/11/2019 00:21

Of course he shouldn't have said to your son that it's your fault, but so what? It's not like him being like this is a deciding factor for anything. You already broke up. It's like asking if a boss was unreasonable when you've already quit a job.

1AngelicFruitCake · 03/11/2019 07:42

bmak
Sorry that my post offended you. I don’t know you so was just guessing from what you’d said on here. I work with children and have seen this from the child’s point of view. I just wanted to make you think. Good luck and hope all works out well

converseandjeans · 03/11/2019 09:29

YANBU to want him to be kinder to your eldest DS.
However sounds like that's the least of your worries. Both children are better off not seeing him.
I would be surprised if SS were ok with him having unsupervised contact. They are saying they don't need to be involved at this stage because they don't think your ex is on the scene. No matter that he takes DS to his mothers. Based on how your ex has turned out his mother might not be best person to leave an 11 week old baby with.
You're focusing on the wrong thing here.

Everydaylife · 03/11/2019 09:43

I don’t know anyone who continues to see ex-step-children after separation and in your case you weren’t married to this guy anyway.

I think you needed to be clearer with your son that he would not be going out with your ex so that he wasn’t in the position of having to ask and be rejected.

flirtygirl · 03/11/2019 10:23

Yabu to have split in pregnancy and still to have put him on the birth certificate.

Yabu to let him him have unsupervised access to an 11 week old who should be with his mother.

Yabu to expect a cruel violent man to be kind to an 8 year old. Of course he was mean, he will do anything to hurt you.

Yabu as you have started this situation of visits only for your younger son, a pattern that you will probably allow for the next 18 years which will affect both your sons and how they interact with each other.

Yabu because you had a chance to break free especially as you had contacted social services but yet you gave more power and control to an abusive violent man.

I'm sorry that sounds harsh but once a man is abusive, you do yourself and your children a favour and stay away. I know it's hard as I've been there.

You broke up, that was you chance but you didn't take it, you made a stupid decision to put him on the birth certificate, why on earth would you?

I'm sorry op but I think you need to wise up to how you decisions may pan out for the next 18 years.

Stop expecting anything from this man and stop allowing him into your and your boys lives.

RedskyToNight · 03/11/2019 12:14

I told my son he would no longer be around and explained he wouldn’t be going with him. I told my son beforehand anyway as I didn’t want him going with him

So you told your son basically exactly what your ex told him?? And if your ex had rocked up and suggested that your son came with him, you would have told your son he couldn't ...

Remind me what the problem was?

PumpkinP · 03/11/2019 14:01

Looking for a problem when there isn’t one. Most people would be glad their violent ex wasn’t trying to take their child.

makingmammaries · 03/11/2019 16:22

Your ex sounds like a twat. Very cruel to do that to a child. But, OP, as others have said you need to choose better men, or give up on men until your children are older. Stepfamilies are more complicated than bio families so please put your DCs first and go carefully with relationships. I say this kindly.

onthecoins · 03/11/2019 16:48

I can't believe you're allowing him to take your 11 week old. This man beat you and stood on your face. Did you call the police and press charges?

Livelovebehappy · 03/11/2019 16:57

As harsh as it sounds, he probably never loved your ds. He liked him, but wouldn’t have developed a strong bond in the time you were together. He has zero obligation to him and would only complicate matters by having him involved in your ds life. A clean break is best.

escapade1234 · 03/11/2019 16:59

How is it a clean break when the man will continue to be in and out of the boy’s home collecting and returning his younger sibling and attending birthdays, milestone events, school plays etc etc

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 03/11/2019 17:07

I don't know why you're surprised. He is a nasty person. Why do you think he wouldn't be nasty to your son? He is losing control of you. Do he's obviously going to use your son to continue to hurt you... because he's nasty.

Talk to your son. Explain that sometimes adults are mean and upset people just like sometimes kids are mean and upset people.

Hopefully he will fade away into the background and disappear from your younger son's life too. Your older son will be alright. He's young now and keen to please and impress. He'll eventually grow up and realise some people are just dickheads.

PumpkinP · 03/11/2019 17:22

How is it a clean break when the man will continue to be in and out of the boy’s home collecting and returning his younger sibling and attending birthdays, milestone events, school plays etc etc

Seriously?! None of this has to happen. No violent ex needs to be invited to birthday parties or school plays!!! Or come into the home. This does not have to happen!

nestisflown · 03/11/2019 17:42

How come he's on the birth certificate? Ok I know that ship has sailed now but who's advising you? You have a lot of learning to do very quickly but it's definitely not too late.

Starting with finding out how to legally minimise contact with your ex and his family to the extent possible (and that includes for your newborn too). In normal circumstances, with a non abusive ex, a newborn wouldn't have that level of unsupervised contact with their father at this stage given that it's so important to bond with one primary carer. So I'm not sure why you're giving more access than is normal to an unstable father. Please start putting your sons first, they don't need this man as a role model in their lives. Please break the cycle.

flirtygirl · 03/11/2019 21:16

Op I thought about this thread all day, please put steps into place regarding the babies contact.

No 11 week old should be with a violent man. Please take steps to safeguard your baby.

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