Ex is singling out my older child because he’s not his child.

[bmak]

AIBU to think that it is wrong of my ex to single out my older son because he’s not his child?
My sons almost 8 and doesn’t have his dad in his life so when I got with my now ex I was wary of the effect it may have on my son. My ex was great with him and made an effort with him but, we broke up whilst pregnant with out now 11 week old son and today when he came to pick him up my older son went outside to ask my ex if he could go with him too. His reply was “no, your not allowed to anymore” and apparently that is my fault. I think that was cruel and I think he’s doing it to spite me! It get me so angry how he is being towards my son, I understand he doesn’t have to take him but, he knew when we got together that he would be getting involved with my child too.

That's a bad idea why complicate things by having oldest over and when things go tits up he gets a new gf that's the wee boy out on his ear again, just keep your oldest away from him why upset the boy further by giving him hope. He's mean he's shown that keep your boy away for your boys sake

Ok so yeah, he's being a bit cruel and cold about it but considering the abusive part this shouldn't be a surprise to you. I would also clearly tell him "sorry if you want your family to see X then you need to arrange the collection and drop off and the shopping for anything that they need with them. I will be pleasant and reasonable in allowing visits but it will be your job to arrange it not mine"

Depends if your ex had a relationship with him since a toddler or for just a couple of years. It is sad for your son but it sounds as if your ex isn't really invested in continuing the relationship with him.

He's violently abusive. He stood on Ops face.

Oh! Sorry op.

The situation is of your own making. You need to think more carefully about the 'daddies' you bring into your son's life

I'm confused.

You have an eight year old whose dad doesn't bother with him.

You have a new born with...who?

Man you has a relationship with for three years has now left. Is he father of new baby ?

I voted YABU having read the full thread.
You need to protect your oldest child by ensuring he has no further contact with this man. You can explain why in any way you please. There is no reason for them to have any relationship.
IMO you are also being unreasonable for facilitating an unsupervised relationship between a man you know to be violent and an 11 week old baby.
Just because he hasn’t harmed a child previously doesn’t mean he wouldn’t in the future. Has he ever been responsible for a baby before? Has he ever been exposed to being unable to soothe a child, keeping his cool while tired and having a baby cry relentlessly for hours on end?
I’d be very worried in your situation (regardless of the position of SS). You say he hands the baby over to his mother, but you don’t know that for sure. You are not there.
OP stop obsessing about this man and start protecting both your children.
In your position I’d be getting legal advice about how to restrict contact with the baby and ensuring all contact he does have is fully and properly supervised.

I would worry that despite what you say you’re easily flattered/impressed and will soon be putting your children through baby number 3 with another man.

When two people create a baby, that bonds you together for eternity, think before you act?. It does seem like ex is still bitter about the break, and I agree he shouldn't pass that on to your 8YO. It could be that his new accomodation is not suitable for an 8YO, and the age difference means they need different requirements. If you initiated the split, then your ex does have a point. I agree with @Iworkatthecheesecakefactory. Ask him why he said what he did, because it was hurtful, it cant do any harm. He may be worried about money, accomodation, DS behaviour, or just not like him very much.

You told your ds in a kind way that he wouldn’t be seeing your ex anymore. I presume you also told your ex he wouldn’t be allowed to take your ds anymore. You ex told your ds he wasn’t allowed to go with him anymore because you told him he wasn’t allowed to take him, no?

If I have presumed correctly, I’m struggling to see what this man has done on this occasion. At first I thought ywnbu. Now I think the opposite.

Think your getting a bit of a rough deal here..totally get why your pissed..nothing to do with wanting the prick to take ds with him..its the way he intentionally hurt your sons feelings in openly rejecting him..as a mother id be well pissed at how it was done🤨

I think the problem is the question is the wrong one .

You are looking at this the wrong way . This is a highly dangerous man.

I am glad you have separated . Your oldest . You sell it as something different . This is Mummy and son special time . You don’t have to take him on big trips 1-1 time is great. He will get less time with a newborn in the house.

I have no idea what contact you have agreed to but as other people have pointed out it is parental responsibilities not rights.

Your posts come across you have no idea how dangerous this man is.

Louise91417 thecresponses are because of the context.

Its like OP asking "aibu to be fuming that univited visitors left muddy footprints in my house" when the visitors are burglars!

It's just not the question that springs to mind.

To summarise @SunshineCake

The OP has a DS 8, the boys father is a drug addict and they have no contact

Eleven weeks ago she gave birth to her 2nd DS

She split up with the baby's father during the pregnancy. They had been together 3 years. He has been extremely violent to her on numerous occasions, including standing on her face.

Social services have said they cannot be in a relationship

The purpose of this thread is to express her surprise and disappointment that this man has no interest in continuing a relationship with her older DS and to invite posters to agree with her that he is terrible because he does not want to include her son when he removes her newborn from her for unsupervised access.

That's about the size of it.

I just wanted to know if I was being unreasonable to think that that sort of treatment to my son was wrong. I am always made to feel I’m the bad one so that’s all

You're asking the wrong question to get the answers you're obviously after.

Yabu to be upset your ex is singling out your ds1...he isn't singling him out really it's just not his child so his focus is now just on his biological son

And you can't exactly be surprised that a violent thug is acting in an unkind way

You know he's unreasonable to behave that way towards a child. You can clearly see that. It's not even a question.

What's unreasonable on your part is the other stuff; you can choose where you go next in terms of relationships and how secure your children feel. 8 is old enough to understand that someone makes bad choices; tell your son that your Ex has made bad choices and won't be part of his life. Tell your son that it's not his fault, that he deserves to be loved by everyone around him, and love him enough that this doesn't break his heart - you have the power to do that.

And for goodness sake don't let your Ex have the newborn solo, ever. He is a violent piece of shit. Let him chase you through mediation and courts if he's so desperate to play the doting father, and explain to every single person on that journey what an absolute cunt of a human he is, and why you're withholding contact. And fucking well do it, for your childrens sakes.

Of course it is wrong. But this is a nasty violent abusive thug. He is not going to differentiate between abusing you directly and doing it through upsetting a child.

@GertiMJN has got it nailed

@Mummyoflittledragon I told my son he would no longer be around and explained he wouldn’t be going with him but this was not the reason he said this. I told my son beforehand anyway as I didn’t want him going with him but also I was setting him up to not be disappointed. @1AngelicFruitCake I find that rather offensive. I have an 8 year old and was only 18 when I had him so I wasn’t rather young and naive and his dad was not on drugs till near the end of our relationship and everyone was unaware of it! And I am glad I have my children because they are my world. I’m not flattered easily, I just got into a horrible relationship with a man that many thought was a decent guy but he turned out not to be. My family had also known him for years before we had got together and he genuinely did seem decent. Many people can hide their true selves very well. I got my baby boy out of that horrible relationship and I wouldn’t change that for the world! I am sick of repeating this ffs but I DO NOT AND DID NOT WANT HIM TO TAKE MY SON ITS HOW HE WAS WITH HIM!! HE WAS ACTUALLY REALLY GREAT WITH HIM THROUGHOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP WHICH IS SOMETHING I HAVE TO ADMIT SO IT IS HOW HE TOLD HIM HE WASNT ALLOWED WITH HIM ANYMORE BECAUSE ITS MY FAULT THAT PISSED ME OFF NOT BECAUSE HE WOULDNT TAKE HIM!! Read what I am saying but people before you jump on the band wagon!!

Right OP. He was a dick to your son. But you won’t be letting your son near him again so it’s no longer an issue. Right? So put it behind you. You being angry about it doesn’t help you, it doesn’t help your son and it doesn’t hurt the person you want to hurt- your ex. Right? So you being angry serges no purpose. Let it go and protect your children from him from now on.

Bmak you have some very odd feelings towards a man who beat you.

You seem to be totally blanking that out. He was great with your son? How is abusing his mother bring great?

I really think you have a very skewed view of life - and incredibly low standards for the men in your life.

You know your ex is a horrible, evil, nasty man. You know he shouldn’t have said that to your son. But he’s a horrible, evil, nasty man so why are you surprised.

Focus on keeping your children happy and safe. If you can, see a counsellor about your self esteem and relationships with men. Teach your boys how to be decent men. Protect them from these pathetic people.

Yabu

reply was “no, your not allowed to anymore” and apparently that is my fault.

Best thing is to tell your son "He's a very bad man who hurt mummy, no he shouldn't be allowed to see you or your brother. He was very unfair to say that and blame mummy, but he's very angry and being mean"

See a lawyer. And at your youngest age, he would not get overnight or 50/50, potentially not unsupervised visits either given your history. This nan is abusive and controlling, what's to stop him refusing to return your son?

You're not unreasonable to think he was wrong in how he treated your son, but given that he has, from the sounds of it, beaten you up in the past or has abused you in some way, how can you be surprised?

The man isn't a nice person. So he won't be nice to people. He won't be nice to your son, ever. He was nice to him to get into your bed essentially. He's managed that, he knocked you up, he showed his true colours and abused you.

Even if he had been nice, would you have actually let him take both sons away? Please tell me that you wouldn't have. I mean yeah you can't stop him having the young one now and again, but the older one you can and should. Even if he apparently 'changes'.

Honestly, I think you need counselling to understand how to spot men like this in the future, or give it 3-4 years and you'll be back here ranting about the third guy and third child. There would have been signs for both, but you don't know what to look for. Counselling could help. If you don't want to do that, there's some good threads in relationships that would explain the red flags to look for. A guy insisting too quickly in being a part of your child's life is one of them.