To be fed up and disappointed by no proposal.

[PrettyTricky]

This is quite lighthearted, but at the same time I feel quite miffed and a bit wtf?!

So, we've been together almost 6 years. We have been speaking about getting married and plan to next year though no date set. For months now my partner has been going on non stop about buying a ring, which apparently he now has in his possession- he keeps talking about it every day and saying how he can't wait to propose and that it will definitely be before Christmas. This has been going on since September now, and he mentions it all the time. All good. Was just waiting for the moment. Have kind of wished he would stop going on about it so much and just do it, but have tried to be patient.

We've had a lot going on the last while and made a big move to another part of the UK in summer which I have found particularly difficult. This week we went home for half term, and were child free as my dc was staying with family. I had been looking forward to this week SO much, and it's been fantastic. Weeks ago he made a big song and dance about booking a lovely restaurant while we were here which we went to last night, very romantic and one of my favourites. I had it in my head that this was definitely going to be the proposal, there could be no better time. He even hinted as much and I felt certain as it's the last time we will be child free before family visit at Christmas.

You know what's coming don't you? Well, I was all dressed up, all excited, thinking - this is IT. I swear every time he moved my stomach flipped over, starters came and went, main courses, dessert.....I even had a cup of tea to drag it out a bit in vain hope. Had a lovely time, but NOTHING. No proposal. No ring.

We go home tomorrow and are all booked up meeting friends and family today, so it won't be today. I've been quite irrationally miffed since we got back last night and I'm just thinking....would you just get the fuck on with it. He has the ring, I want to set a date and get planning, he had the perfect opportunity. What's the problem? We're in our forties, I'm over the faffing about, it's tiring, just ask already. It's not like he's gone off it, as this morning he's already been going on about how much he can't wait to marry me. It's all I could do not to shout "well bloody ask me, you twat".

I almost feel like he's spoiled it now, especially with the constant going on about it, it's just grating, and my enthusiastic 'oh I can't wait' responses are fast drying up and becoming 'just fucking do it would you, as I'm not getting any younger' (in my head clearly, I'm still trying to have good grace, but there's only so long I can keep it up).

Aibu to be disappointed and feel like it's just getting silly now?

Agree with the others. There is no ring.

But when you talked about setting the date, why didnt you do that? And choose a venue. And ring it together to provisionally book. Then tell him to let people he knows know the date.

But mainly, why are you still with this controlling man.

I'm sorry.

I read a book that said some men don't marry because some women accept that.

You need to leave him and see if he let's you.

Hope your ok op x

I think you really need to sit down and calmly talk about everything without tantrums. It's easy for others to say LTB but we don't know him? He could be amazing, and genuinely hurt. But he could also be a turd, stringing you along. Really think and plan what to say before your next talk.

Ohio sounds like sexist twaddle. Some men don't marry because they don't want to.

OP, seriously it shouldn't be this hard. Bet this isn't the only time he has done the sulking and flouncing leaving you feeling like shit and worried about raising an issue again, thinking you are to blame due to his reaction.

Your engagement, if it ever happens, is now tainted. I agree with other posters, there probably is no ring, but if there is do you really want it on your finger as a constant reminder all this?

I'd be packing OP, I don't think there's a ring and it will be turned to being 'your fault he hasn't got one' if you confronted.

Slightly concerning that he seems to be enjoying this power. Think carefully OP - does he do this kind of shit with other people in his life?
DH is a bit of wind up merchant himself but this is ridiculous!

Billhadersnewwife

I don't believe in marriage anymore.

But. I reckon that book has a valid point.

I really don’t think he has a ring . Have you asked to see it ? He strikes me as being very manipulative.

I'm sorry OP, but I don't think there's a ring.
I don't even think he wants to marry you.

What happens if you finally get the (hastily bought) ring, but then he refuses to set a wedding date? Puts it off, delays it, next Easter, next summer, next Xmas, next year...

One day he will throw it in your face that you've 'forced' his hand.
That he wasn't ready & wasn't sure... that you spoiled everything.

What example are you setting your daughter?
To hang around hopefully, while a man decides your future for you?

If it's this tense over an engagement ring how will it be when there are big stressful events (eg illness, bereavement, money troubles) in your married life together. Something that should be joyful shouldn't be this hard, he should be.able to pick up on your feelings to some extent. He should have been able to sense that you saw this as a priority and sorted it. You've got communication difficulties here that it would be well to resolve before the big day.

Ditch him, if you can't face not being married.
he's only using you anyway and has all the benefits sexual and otherwise, because you're already living together.
he'll never marry you.

I would bin him.

Ohio From what you say, the book is suggesting that women are the driving force behind marriage and that they have it in their power to make men marry them....they don't "put up with" men not wanting to marry them! Some simply won't. There's no changing that..it's not the woman's fault.

Not got a good feeling about this at all OP. Sorry to say 😔

poor op. I don’t know him so don’t know what he’s up to, nor do I understand any of it.
the ring and perfect proposal wouldn’t be important to me at all but it’s important to you and he knows this.
if he’s made all this fuss about it and given you high expectations then he should follow through with it and stop the headfuckery.

Benefit of the doubt: he’s truly scatty and forgetful but this behaviour would really kill off the romance aspect for mead this weirdness is ultimately part of and related to the eventual proposal/ ring gift.
it sounds very gamey and controlling and I’d be a bit on your guard for other mean behaviours. maybe look back and see if he’s held stuff over you in a similar way before.

*me, and, not mead it’s late/ early....

God I hated the whole proposal thing. DH and I were already committed, we’d talked about marriage, we’d just bought a flat together and were preparing to move in. All these things, we’d done as a partnership, equal partners both having a say in the decisions.

But then there was this one last thing that I had no control over and he was totally in control of. And there was nothing romantic about waiting around for him to officially propose when everything else, we’d done together, as equals.

Like the OPs partner he wanted it to be perfect, so we had a couple of times which would have been great and my expectations were raised - but he let them slip by. By the time he did propose, I was pretty much over the excitement and just wanted it done so that life could move on.

If we had that time again, I’d tell him I didn’t want or need a proposal, or even a ring tbh, that I’d rather just set a date together and organise our wedding, together - like every other big decision we made.

But I was younger then.

Wow ok, OP I do hope you’re ok this morning.

MN can be very helpful in many ways, but, when you’re feeling confused and on edge, having hundreds of responses telling you to “leave” or whatever, can exacerbate your feelings and heighten the stress even more.

Your DP has behaved in a very strange and ridiculous way - that’s for sure. I just don’t see the point of going in about the proposal for so long and not actually going it. It’s like he’s stealing his own thunder, quite apart from the impact on you. What is the point of all this, even from his point of view? It actually makes no sense.,

Look, you know him best and if you think he has actually got a ring, he probably has. But PLEASE know this - if he returned last night and tried to blame you for ruining everything DO NOT BUY THIS FOR A SECOND. You haven’t ruined anything because your reaction was inevitable at some point. What did he actually think would happen? The simple fact is, he alone has ruined his own proposal - and that takes some doing. He didn’t need any help from you. As I say, he’s stolen his own thunder. It really is most peculiar.

Finally, there are many people on here who are “anti proposals“ and who will try and make you feel stupid for even expecting anything. The MN line is usually, “Just sit him down..,, etc etc?” Well, fwiw, I would not have been sitting anyone down anywhere. Why the hell should you? If the man you’re going to be spending the rest of your life with can’t even galvanise himself to ask you in a meaningful way, then that would be it for me. That’s my personal boundary and you are entitled to yours. So stand your ground and never doubt your own mind. If this is something you want, it doesn’t matter what other women did or would want. It’s not their life.

I’m hoping this may actually be the watershed moment where it dawns in him that he’s been a total tosser. He needs to pull out all the stops to make this up to you, but he can still do that if he wants to enough. Don’t play his silly game any longer. Just sit back and watch now - this will show you who he really is.

I really do hope this turns out well and I think it might do, but if not, better to find out now and not waste another 6 years on his flaky, gaslighting, insecure nonsense. He needs to man up frankly and you should accept nothing less. Good luck

I'm another one who doesn't believe there's a ring. He deflected and blamed it on you, because he doesn't have it to produce.

And as others have said, a good relationship isn't this hard and dramatic. In a good relationship, the only drama comes from outside forces, that you fight together, as a team. It doesn't come from inside your relationship.

So, do you settle for a bad relationship, and no marriage, or do you walk? I know what I'd do.

@PrettyTricky I'm seriously wondering if you're dating my ex. We had the same arguments, the same accusations of rushing him and ruining things, the same comments about magic.

He didn't want to marry me. He always had a reason. I hung on because I could never believe everyone here that he didn't want to. I thought he was different.

He wasn't. We split eventually, I wish I'd done it a lot sooner.

I get married next May. My fiancé was excited to propose, did it very romantically and I didn't even guess he was going to. He couldn't wait. He wants this as much as I do. That's not a feeling I'd give up for anyone.

Its a little odd waiting for a proposal you know is going to happen at some point? Its not a surprise, you both know you will say yes.

Me and my other half started talking about weddings etc and planning a little, because we both knew were going to get married we went to the jewlers and i picked my own ring
Not romantic in the slightest, but id feel silly being proposed to knowing we both know the answer

Didnt realise there was 21 pages maybe i should read through

Blimey.
I proposed to my DH after about 2 months and then we got married. And at some point a bit later i saw a sparkly (not expensive, not diamond but cubic zircona) ring that i liked so i bought it. And wear it on my 4th finger because it looks nice there.

I don't get all the waiting around, tbh, but whatever floats your boat.

We've been married 35 years now so obvs something worked.

Op, tbh you both sound like hard work to me.

Is this still a thing, surely it just perpetuates misogyny.
Just set a date, why is a proposal necessary anyway.