Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up and disappointed by no proposal.

554 replies

PrettyTricky · 02/11/2019 09:28

This is quite lighthearted, but at the same time I feel quite miffed and a bit wtf?!

So, we've been together almost 6 years. We have been speaking about getting married and plan to next year though no date set. For months now my partner has been going on non stop about buying a ring, which apparently he now has in his possession- he keeps talking about it every day and saying how he can't wait to propose and that it will definitely be before Christmas. This has been going on since September now, and he mentions it all the time. All good. Was just waiting for the moment. Have kind of wished he would stop going on about it so much and just do it, but have tried to be patient.

We've had a lot going on the last while and made a big move to another part of the UK in summer which I have found particularly difficult. This week we went home for half term, and were child free as my dc was staying with family. I had been looking forward to this week SO much, and it's been fantastic. Weeks ago he made a big song and dance about booking a lovely restaurant while we were here which we went to last night, very romantic and one of my favourites. I had it in my head that this was definitely going to be the proposal, there could be no better time. He even hinted as much and I felt certain as it's the last time we will be child free before family visit at Christmas.

You know what's coming don't you? Well, I was all dressed up, all excited, thinking - this is IT. I swear every time he moved my stomach flipped over, starters came and went, main courses, dessert.....I even had a cup of tea to drag it out a bit in vain hope. Had a lovely time, but NOTHING. No proposal. No ring.

We go home tomorrow and are all booked up meeting friends and family today, so it won't be today. I've been quite irrationally miffed since we got back last night and I'm just thinking....would you just get the fuck on with it. He has the ring, I want to set a date and get planning, he had the perfect opportunity. What's the problem? We're in our forties, I'm over the faffing about, it's tiring, just ask already. It's not like he's gone off it, as this morning he's already been going on about how much he can't wait to marry me. It's all I could do not to shout "well bloody ask me, you twat".

I almost feel like he's spoiled it now, especially with the constant going on about it, it's just grating, and my enthusiastic 'oh I can't wait' responses are fast drying up and becoming 'just fucking do it would you, as I'm not getting any younger' (in my head clearly, I'm still trying to have good grace, but there's only so long I can keep it up).

Aibu to be disappointed and feel like it's just getting silly now?

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 04/11/2019 11:58

Until he proposes, I wouldn't believe him for a moment that he's been planning anything, or even has a ring. Good for you though for standing up for yourself.

Housemum · 04/11/2019 12:37

If it makes you feel any better OP, had similar with DH - we’d talked about marriage and knew we were going to. He took me an a fantastic weekend at a beautiful hotel (way outside usual budget but a fab online deal). Really thought that would be a proposal. Nothing. Did mention it to DH - he said that he thought hat would put too much pressure/be too contrived. He actually proposed about 4 months later when we were having a meal at what turned out to be our wedding venue. Still together 18 years later :)

billy1966 · 04/11/2019 12:44

Well done OP for standing up for yourself.

There is nothing to gained by not being in control of your own life.

I really hope this works out for you.

You gave up soooooo much to be with him.💐

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 04/11/2019 12:54

🤦‍♀️

BunnyColvin · 04/11/2019 13:07

and that if I want him to do what he planned then he will, equally I can have the ring now if it's going to make me feel better. He seems a bit crestfallen, but ok. I've said I'll think about it for a couple of days and let him know

Sorry but this is all so dumb, it really it. Think about what for a couple of days? Stop faffing about over a bloody ring that may or may not exist, and in all likelihood doesn't! Just go down the register office and book the marriage for a month's time. He needs to put his money where his mouth is and you're just allowing some notional ring to take over your life! Man alive, i'll never get it!

BeatriceTheBeast · 04/11/2019 13:15

Men are idiots. What on earth makes him, (he, who is allagedly so sensitive to the fact you feel insecure about moving), think you need a big, built up with anticipation, massive proposal with hints, bells and whistles along the way, more than you need to feel as if he genuinely means it when he says he can't wait to marry you? What a bellend. Tell him to fuck off.

PS: my DH never proposed to me btw, so maybe don't take my advice Halloween Grin. We just had a quite calm conversation about it and then went and bought a ring. So I think the whole proposal thing is a bit lost on me.

BeatriceTheBeast · 04/11/2019 13:16

*allegedly

And obviously not ALL men, but really. This one is an idiot (sorry).

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 04/11/2019 13:33

You've had the convo now. He clearly meant well. Maybe you could tell him that you don't need it to be a surprise, but you would like it to be romantic. That might take the pressure off and reassure him about what he has planned.

Derbee · 04/11/2019 15:09

I hope it works out OP. He sounded like an absolute wanker in your thread a few weeks ago

Vanhi · 04/11/2019 15:25

He clearly meant well.

He's clearly managed to convince the OP that he meant well, but that's not quite the same thing.

ginghamtablecloths · 04/11/2019 16:05

Remind him, "Action, not words," in a forthright manner.

Loopytiles · 04/11/2019 16:12

Call his bluff. Say yes to the ring now and ask him to set an imminent date.

Loopytiles · 04/11/2019 16:13

Given that you have a teen and moved her because of this man, and are financially vulnerable, further prioritising “romance” and wedding prep over legal protection would be unwise.

Justgorgeous · 04/11/2019 16:35

What are you waiting for ? Say you want the ring now. You are incredibly vulnerable as is your child. Something doesn’t add up with your partner.

Span1elsRock · 04/11/2019 16:36

But you're still not wearing the ring OP...................

If he understood that you were upset about it, he'd have put it on there and then and stopped with the pissing about.

But he didn't.

TrixIrl · 04/11/2019 16:54

I had exactly the same, told me in the summer we'd be engaged by Christmas, kept dropping hints etc and had me completely wound up just....waiting. reluctant to plan nights out with the girls in case he proposed and we had to do the whole family thing etc etc.

To be honest, we had known we'd be married from very early on so that wasn't the issue but it drove me mental!

I was away at a wedding of a work friend (no WAGS invited) and he text to say my best friend who was also there had a big clue for me...but that she wouldn't want to tell me so id have to trick it out of her. Cue massive row between me and best friend as she wouldn't tell me (she didn't have a flipping notion what was going on and certainly didn't have a clue).

Had it out with DH when I got home, told him mind games were unacceptable and that I was not going to marry such a dick and that it was simply not funny anymore. He was shocked, he genuinely thought I enjoyed the "banter" of it all....
Flaming row, me really losing the run of myself, him sleeping on the couch and relationship on very shaky ground.

The very next day we had to travel down the country for a work thing of mine, icy silence the whole way there, got there to find we were booked into this amazing suite, work thing was all a big smokescreen (they were in on it), flowers, chocolate etc and he's down on one knee.

I'm pretty sure my answer to his proposal was "But I was such a bitch last night". We look back and laugh now (well I do, he's super embarrassed when I bring it up as he didn't realize how very very bad it was at the time) but some decent loving guys are just this fecking thick. Hang on in there X

FizzyIce · 04/11/2019 17:04

My dh proposed to me in our hallway while I was on the computer.. really romantic ...Grin

BertrandRussell · 04/11/2019 17:13

“ You've had the convo now. He clearly meant well.”

Oh bollocks did he mean well. If it had all been some horrible misunderstanding, he would Ah we been distraught, begging her forgiveness and rushing to get the ring.

Otavis · 04/11/2019 17:39

I had exactly the same, told me in the summer we'd be engaged by Christmas, kept dropping hints etc and had me completely wound up just....waiting. reluctant to plan nights out with the girls in case he proposed and we had to do the whole family thing etc etc.

I think that's the most genuinely tragic thing I've read on Mn, or close to it. Adult woman puts life on hold to the extent that she doesn't even want to commit to going out with her friends for several months at a time in case Mr Complacent decides to favour her with a proposal???

After which her boyfriend stirs up trouble between herself and her best friend at someone's wedding by claiming the best friend has a clue about some major proposal-related secret, and when his girlfriend quite rightly tells him what a dickhead he's being and that she'd think twice before marrying him now, he claims he thought she enjoyed the 'banter'?

And when he finally deigns to get his act together to propose, the girlfriend says she's 'been a bitch', because obviously everything is solved by a man going down on one knee with a ring, and he's really a 'decent loving guy' who's just too stupid not to manipulate a woman for months and cause trouble in a close friendship?

Seriously, you couldn't make it up.

What's doubly depressing is that not only does this guy probably still think he's been 'romantic', some women will think so too.

BeatriceTheBeast · 04/11/2019 17:54

Reminds me a bit of those 'pranksters' in Russia who scare the life out of women by pretending to be the police and then planting what looks like an enormous quantity of drugs on her. One of the men takes off a mask and shows he isn't the policeman come to arrest her...it's her bf, come to propose.

The one I saw the woman was gratefully saying yes and kissing him, but apparently, thank God, some of them went nuts at their cock bfs.

smilingontheinside · 04/11/2019 18:39

Never got a proposal, never got a ring, got married, getting divorced. He's mean and selfish (should've realised Hmm)

BumbleBeee69 · 04/11/2019 19:31

OP you sound like a lovely level headed patient lass, I hope everything works out for you. Flowers

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 04/11/2019 20:28

So, the sulking had stopped and I got an apology. Says he feels like a stupid arse and thought he was making me feel great by talking about it all the time and building anticipation. Apparently has had something planned all along, and that if I want him to do what he planned then he will, equally I can have the ring now if it's going to make me feel better.

I haven't got a romantic bone in my body but some people love all this stuff, including, it seems, the OP. If he's said she can have the ring if she wants it, surely mission accomplished?

ginghamtablecloths · 05/11/2019 08:40

Are you sure you really want to saddle yourself with a man who behaves like this?

If/when he proposes I'd feel like saying a big fat NO, just to see the (hopefully) crestfallen expression on his face.

Life is too short to play emotional games.

MulticolourMophead · 05/11/2019 10:41

OP still doesn't have a ring. And I'm still very cynical and feel like this wedding is unlikely to happen.

Swipe left for the next trending thread