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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be fed up and disappointed by no proposal.

554 replies

PrettyTricky · 02/11/2019 09:28

This is quite lighthearted, but at the same time I feel quite miffed and a bit wtf?!

So, we've been together almost 6 years. We have been speaking about getting married and plan to next year though no date set. For months now my partner has been going on non stop about buying a ring, which apparently he now has in his possession- he keeps talking about it every day and saying how he can't wait to propose and that it will definitely be before Christmas. This has been going on since September now, and he mentions it all the time. All good. Was just waiting for the moment. Have kind of wished he would stop going on about it so much and just do it, but have tried to be patient.

We've had a lot going on the last while and made a big move to another part of the UK in summer which I have found particularly difficult. This week we went home for half term, and were child free as my dc was staying with family. I had been looking forward to this week SO much, and it's been fantastic. Weeks ago he made a big song and dance about booking a lovely restaurant while we were here which we went to last night, very romantic and one of my favourites. I had it in my head that this was definitely going to be the proposal, there could be no better time. He even hinted as much and I felt certain as it's the last time we will be child free before family visit at Christmas.

You know what's coming don't you? Well, I was all dressed up, all excited, thinking - this is IT. I swear every time he moved my stomach flipped over, starters came and went, main courses, dessert.....I even had a cup of tea to drag it out a bit in vain hope. Had a lovely time, but NOTHING. No proposal. No ring.

We go home tomorrow and are all booked up meeting friends and family today, so it won't be today. I've been quite irrationally miffed since we got back last night and I'm just thinking....would you just get the fuck on with it. He has the ring, I want to set a date and get planning, he had the perfect opportunity. What's the problem? We're in our forties, I'm over the faffing about, it's tiring, just ask already. It's not like he's gone off it, as this morning he's already been going on about how much he can't wait to marry me. It's all I could do not to shout "well bloody ask me, you twat".

I almost feel like he's spoiled it now, especially with the constant going on about it, it's just grating, and my enthusiastic 'oh I can't wait' responses are fast drying up and becoming 'just fucking do it would you, as I'm not getting any younger' (in my head clearly, I'm still trying to have good grace, but there's only so long I can keep it up).

Aibu to be disappointed and feel like it's just getting silly now?

OP posts:
Otavis · 05/11/2019 11:12

I haven't got a romantic bone in my body but some people love all this stuff, including, it seems, the OP. If he's said she can have the ring if she wants it, surely mission accomplished?

There's nothing whatsoever 'romantic' about a man keeping an adult woman dangling for months with promises of a mysterious invisible ring, especially a woman who has made considerable sacrifices in the very recent past for him, and rendered herself financially and otherwise vulnerable.

And the OP doesn't find it 'romantic' either -- she's bored and exhausted from his continual bigging up of a proposal that seems to be on the same 'continually pushed backward' schedule as Brexit. And many posters feel an equally terrible idea.

OP you sound like a lovely level headed patient lass

Or a mug. Or someone who has been socialised into thinking that proposing is a mysterious male art which needs to be patiently waited for, whatever the cost and whatever the timescale.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 05/11/2019 22:41

I’d be saying thank you very much, yes I will marry you and I would like the ring now-and can we set a date for the spring...watch him back peddle sharpish!

StormTreader · 06/11/2019 14:02

He's been flattering his own ego, every time he talked about his future proposal, he gave himself the buzz of how thoughtful and great and generous a bf he was, it wasnt about you at all, only about himself.

Plus getting all the extra effort from you every time you go out, all the excitement, the presumably extra laughing at his jokes etc, all the extra focus because you thought it was a special day.

Motoko · 06/11/2019 15:25

Have you told him what you've decided yet @PrettyTricky? You said you'd let him know in a couple of days.

NearlyGranny · 06/11/2019 15:49

There is nothing magical about repeated build up and disappointment. Nothing.

King Solomon knew a thing or two.

"Hope deferred maketh the heart sick." Proverbs 13:12

Valanice1989 · 09/11/2019 14:49

OP, have you told him you've made up your mind? I would just call his bluff and ask for the ring now.

PanchoBarnes · 10/11/2019 13:10

Any changes, one way or the other @PrettyTricky 💍?

PrettyTricky · 10/11/2019 13:31

So....I've said nothing. I decided, sod it. I'm not bloody asking for the ring as if he can't be minded to give it to me of his own accord then I'm certainly not going to go begging for it or order him to give me it.

So, if he can't bring himself to do it after all the months of non stop talking about it, or if for some reason now doesn't want to, then we'll just go on with this ridiculous saga until he either gets his act together or it gets to Christmas, after which time I will not be minded to accept.

OP posts:
Motoko · 10/11/2019 13:42

So, nothing's changed.

Timetobegood · 10/11/2019 13:51

Is he still going on about it?

Josephinebettany · 10/11/2019 13:59

So everything is the same. You're continuing to wait for him to propose.

WhitePhantom · 10/11/2019 14:11

But you said you'd let him know - now you're just playing silly games! This is ridiculous Grin

PrettyTricky · 10/11/2019 15:16

No, he's stopped going on about it. At this point I'm just letting it go and not even going near the topic.

I did say that I would let him know, and I do appreciate that I'm being unfair now in not saying anything, but the way that it's all transpired has just left me feeling rather ambuvilant about the whole topic, so I felt it best to let it lie for now.

OP posts:
PrettyTricky · 10/11/2019 15:17

*ambivilant....typing on the run.

OP posts:
Motoko · 10/11/2019 16:04

Well, that's quite handy for him, he'll be "waiting" for you to give him the go ahead, and as you're not going to, he'll never have to propose.

Win/win for him.

Still, at least he's stopped going on about it.

EnFinale · 13/11/2019 00:05

Ah, he’s won!

(Again)

RockinHippy · 13/11/2019 00:28

Mine tried this same thing for a while, he clearly thought it was funnyHmm I ended up liking him straight in the eye & telling him that if he didn't stop with the stupid engagement teasing, I'd be saying no by the time he did get his act together. He stopped

BillHadersNewWife · 13/11/2019 00:39

So if he doesn't ask by Christmas and as you say then you won't accept....will you end the relationship?

PrettyTricky · 14/11/2019 19:57

Ended up in a massive argument as I've just been stewing about it as it's been such an elephant in the room. I ended up saying that it's getting ridiculous and just asking for the ring and he went nuts, said I was pressurising him to do it all on my own timescale and that I've totally ruined the whole engagement by my impatience and that it's all my fault.

He's flounced out and I'm left feeling like I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
BatEaredFox · 14/11/2019 20:00

That's your answer - he doesn't want to marry you. Sorry op, he sounds like a waste of space and treating you like this is awful ☹️

cheesydoesit · 14/11/2019 20:02

What a prick.

fartingrainbows · 14/11/2019 20:06

Honestly? Unless you're happy to stay unmarried and let the issue drop, I'd be tempted to walk away now. He's messing you about big time then blaming everything on you. He doesn't sound all that much of a catch from the things you've posted on here.

roisinagusniamh · 14/11/2019 20:08

Is this a retro post set in the 1950s?
The whole saga is ridiculous. All this fuss over a ring.
He does not sound romantic and you both have major communication problems in your relationship.
I would advise you to forget about marriage for now and start working on the relationship if it is worth salvaging.

cheesydoesit · 14/11/2019 20:08

Even if you were to get engaged (not that you should, do you even want to now? He's really soured the whole thing) who is to say you'd even be able to pin down a date?! It's just one big headfuck isn't it?

Timetobegood · 14/11/2019 20:11

Do you believe he has actually got a ring?

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