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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up and disappointed by no proposal.

554 replies

PrettyTricky · 02/11/2019 09:28

This is quite lighthearted, but at the same time I feel quite miffed and a bit wtf?!

So, we've been together almost 6 years. We have been speaking about getting married and plan to next year though no date set. For months now my partner has been going on non stop about buying a ring, which apparently he now has in his possession- he keeps talking about it every day and saying how he can't wait to propose and that it will definitely be before Christmas. This has been going on since September now, and he mentions it all the time. All good. Was just waiting for the moment. Have kind of wished he would stop going on about it so much and just do it, but have tried to be patient.

We've had a lot going on the last while and made a big move to another part of the UK in summer which I have found particularly difficult. This week we went home for half term, and were child free as my dc was staying with family. I had been looking forward to this week SO much, and it's been fantastic. Weeks ago he made a big song and dance about booking a lovely restaurant while we were here which we went to last night, very romantic and one of my favourites. I had it in my head that this was definitely going to be the proposal, there could be no better time. He even hinted as much and I felt certain as it's the last time we will be child free before family visit at Christmas.

You know what's coming don't you? Well, I was all dressed up, all excited, thinking - this is IT. I swear every time he moved my stomach flipped over, starters came and went, main courses, dessert.....I even had a cup of tea to drag it out a bit in vain hope. Had a lovely time, but NOTHING. No proposal. No ring.

We go home tomorrow and are all booked up meeting friends and family today, so it won't be today. I've been quite irrationally miffed since we got back last night and I'm just thinking....would you just get the fuck on with it. He has the ring, I want to set a date and get planning, he had the perfect opportunity. What's the problem? We're in our forties, I'm over the faffing about, it's tiring, just ask already. It's not like he's gone off it, as this morning he's already been going on about how much he can't wait to marry me. It's all I could do not to shout "well bloody ask me, you twat".

I almost feel like he's spoiled it now, especially with the constant going on about it, it's just grating, and my enthusiastic 'oh I can't wait' responses are fast drying up and becoming 'just fucking do it would you, as I'm not getting any younger' (in my head clearly, I'm still trying to have good grace, but there's only so long I can keep it up).

Aibu to be disappointed and feel like it's just getting silly now?

OP posts:
bestthingsinlife · 14/11/2019 20:14

Sad sorry it's not gone well tonight. Hope he realises it's such an important moment for you and is out buying you flowers and getting his bum in gear now.

Original poster
PrettyTricky · 14/11/2019 20:18

I believe he does have the ring and apparently was waiting for a 'magical moment'....of which several have passed without said ring making an appearance and I'm just fed up of being in limbo.

As for dates, that's what started the argument, we were speaking about plans for next year and I mentioned wedding dates - he was happy enough to speak about setting a date and I happened to drop in that it seems absurd to be setting a date when not actually engaged ....and all hell broke loose at that point and I was accused of ruining it all, putting him under pressure etc.

OP posts:
EnFinale · 14/11/2019 20:28

You do know a happy relationship is not supposed to be this hard?

EnFinale · 14/11/2019 20:30

I genuinely don’t understand why women stand for this type of behaviour. I see it so often. Is it low self esteem? Is it not having the finances to be able to walk away? Is it some kind of guilt towards the children? Why on earth would you want to marry someone who acts in THIS way about the idea of marrying you?

Justgorgeous · 14/11/2019 20:32

I really don’t think there is a ring.

cheesydoesit · 14/11/2019 20:32

If he did buy flowers, I'd shove them up his arse. A stupid, empty gesture. Unless he came back and apologised properly, admitting his behaviour has been very unreasonable and proposed there and then, I would tell him to fuck off.

In reality, I'd tell him to fuck off anyway.

BatEaredFox · 14/11/2019 20:33

He's stringing you along. He has no ring, no plan and is telling you what you want to hear. Now he's gaslighting you.

Happy engagements/relationships do not have this awful, gut-wrenching drama.

Honestly, when it's right it just flows along easily; if my DH had treated me the way your DP treats you I'd have never married him.

3luckystars · 14/11/2019 20:34

A 'magic moment' that he decides on. Did you ask him why he didn't do it on the beach or any of those other times.

I recommend you do some magic of your own and make him disappear.

He is really just suiting himself. Think very carefully before you say yes.

Can you go back home? Dont feel you have to stay with him. You dont. There is always other choices. Good luck.

LondonCrone · 14/11/2019 20:36

Sorry OP, he blatantly doesn’t want to marry you. And why would yo mu want to marry a man who acts like his failure to do the bare bloody minimum is your fault? A sad situation all round. I would be out.

cheesydoesit · 14/11/2019 20:36

Remember OP, this will set the tone for the next thirty odd years together.

QueenofmyPrinces · 14/11/2019 20:45

Sorry OP but he’s taking you for a fool.

Me and (my now) DH used to talk about getting married and then one day he got down on one knee on the living room floor midway through watching The Chase. That was my “magic moment” and it was absolutely amazing.

It isn’t the scenery and occasion that makes an engagement magical, it’s the actual proposal itself, and your partner is using that idealism as a way to just string you along.

There’s a saying that I see on MN all the time which is: “If he wanted to marry you, then he would.”

The reason this facade is playing out is because he doesn’t want to marry you.

There is no ring.

You need to open your eyes, get some respect for yourself and end this relationship - if it can be called that.

Timetobegood · 14/11/2019 20:49

I suspect there is no ring either.

Why didn’t he just go and get it during one of your discussions?

MissConductUS · 14/11/2019 20:49

He's terrified of getting married. I think it's called Peter Pan syndrome.

Call his bluff. Tell him he has 48 hours to make the magic happen or he'll disappear from your life in a cloud of fairy dust.

Timetobegood · 14/11/2019 20:51

You asked for the ring and he ‘went nuts.’ That doesn’t make sense unless there is no ring.

Fweakout · 14/11/2019 20:52

Call his bluff.

Say "Show me the ring now, or we're through due to your future-faking. It's you who have lost your chance by dragging your feet and then lying to me about it".

Fweakout · 14/11/2019 20:54

Spoiler: THERE'S NO RING

Seeingadistance · 14/11/2019 21:00

For goodness sake! Engagement is not an end in itself. It simply means that you have agreed (are engaged) to get married to each other. So if you and he are talking about potential wedding dates, then you are engaged!

Although, tbh, given your inability to communicate with each other, I reckon you’d be better off not bothering.

Hithere2 · 14/11/2019 21:05

I am amazed you are still waiting for him to propose

It is not going to happen. He does not to marry you and won't marry you. He is now getting all the benefits without the commitment and that is what he wants

Anyway, you give him the ultimatum, gives you the ring and plan the wedding. Would you still be happy, knowing it didn't come out of his free will?
If he proposes via ultimatum, there won't be ever a save the date as no date will be set - ever.

OP, wake up.

lookatthebabypenguin · 14/11/2019 21:08

Why are you still letting him manipulate you like this?

nomoreclue · 14/11/2019 21:09

I think he’s lying. Going nuts and saying you’ve ruined it after he’s gone on about it constantly...it’s just weird. It would put me right off. I think he’s been goading to try and get to this point. His reactions don’t make sense and honestly, do not bode well for being married. If it was me, I’d reconsider.

keepingbees · 14/11/2019 21:11

I agree I don't think there's a ring, hence him getting mad and defensive at you. Cornered rat comes to mind.
Do you really want this to be your memory of getting engaged? Sorry Op but he's stringing you along for whatever reason.

Timetobegood · 14/11/2019 21:13

What makes you believe there is a ring? Where did he get it? When did he get it? Where is it now? How much did it cost? Did you look at rings together? Does he know what you like and what size you would need?

midnightmisssuki · 14/11/2019 21:17

Jesus Christ Op. you’ve let him sting you along this far, taunts you then accuses you? Why on fucking earth would you want to marry him after all of this - it’s soured the relationship. It won’t be the same after this, trust me.

Bananasandchocolatecustard · 14/11/2019 21:18

Cut your losses and dump him. He is not worth the hassle.

DisappearingGirl · 14/11/2019 21:27

I'm slightly worried that OP is being goaded on here into arguments with her DP. I don't know if he's generally a good bloke or not. If he is, and he's just messed up this one thing, I don't think it's helpful to keep pushing OP into having it out with him.

I think the OP's recent plan of leaving it for a while was a good one - maybe say you won't mention it again until after Christmas, seeing as that was his original self-imposed deadline. It's only about 6 weeks away. Then give him until New Year to do it his way.

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