Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this fair/ok?

141 replies

AndysFavouriteToy · 01/11/2019 20:41

4 kids under 8.
Dh does one overnight at his parents for a break/see them/convenience (they live near his work) leaving me with no helpmfor one eve and morning.

He does one night a week with mates and home after 11pm.

He does one day a weekend for his hobby (usually 9am to 3pm)

Its bloody hard work with the kids, I get no break. When he is home the most he will do is load a dishwasher or watch kids (by watch I mean put.on a movie and play on his phone.)

Half term has been fun, but I am knackered and have worked my socks off making sure they have a fun week. Another Friday night alone without help and I'm getting fed up.

Dh's side will be;
Works 40 hour week, needs time to.do.extra work and so.goes.to parents to carry this out and have peace and see them without kids interrupting, nights with mates are so he can chill after long week and network, hobby is to keep fit and see his bro (yes it's cycling!)

His arguments make sense and are ok, but I am knackered and lonely.

I go out every 4-6 weeks for a drink/meal with my best friend, usually home by 11pm and that is the only time i am away from kids and always made to feel guilty for it.

I am sahm, don't contribute financially, but am training so will be able to.when youngest starts school.

Aiu to resent how much time dh spends away from home?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/11/2019 20:43

YANBU

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 01/11/2019 20:45

His arguments make sense however it needs to be the same for you. You need to have time to yourself and relax so YANBU at all.

You're bringing up yours and his children - you are contributing and he needs to start pulling his weight.

areyouafraidofthedark · 01/11/2019 20:48

He is LAZY, a shit father and a crap human being from the sounds of it. Can't be one rule for him and not for you. Running off to his parents for peace and quiet, ffs really!!

ToPlanZ · 01/11/2019 20:52

Why aren't you entitled to chill after a long week!? If you bill him for the childcare you provide you will see that you do effectively contribute financially.

He genuinely is massively taking the piss

Original poster
AndysFavouriteToy · 01/11/2019 20:55

Thing is he isn't lazy, he works hard at work and works extra at home, kids adore him and when he isn't out or over tired in evenings he is great with them. It's just me who he seems to have no time for.
Kids are exhausting, but it seems easy when he's around and mentally present.

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 01/11/2019 20:55

Why can't he take them for 2 sleeps at his parents?

MellyNotSmelly · 01/11/2019 20:55

You don't really need to ask do you? The real question is, what are you going to do about it?

Quartz2208 · 01/11/2019 20:56

His arguments make no sense because he is being selfish

Its not fair its not ok and the worse is when you go out you are made to feel guilty

actually that is not the worse is that he thinks he needs to chill after a long week of 40 hours work, two nights off and a day at the weekend having done no housework

frankly how you having actually killed him/thrown him out/accidentally lost his bike amazes me

Original poster
AndysFavouriteToy · 01/11/2019 20:57

He can't take kids to parents because he goes straight to work in morning, it's a mid week thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
AndysFavouriteToy · 01/11/2019 20:58

I am fed up, but if I say anything I will be accused of being controlling.

OP posts:
Original poster
AndysFavouriteToy · 01/11/2019 20:59

I need to find a way of talking to him where I don't become the enemy and push him further away.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 01/11/2019 20:59

stop making excuses for him. He is massively taking the piss out of you and its awful

he is lazy OP - working a 40 hour a week and doing nothing else in the partnership and probably making you feel bad for any money for you or the kids

The parents thing - do they need him or does he let them take care of him

and what is it with the kids. He cant be great if all he does is put a film on and be on his phone

Brideof2020 · 01/11/2019 21:01

So make sure you do the same:
1 night a week at your parents/ sibling or who ever
1 night out a week with your friend
Find a hobby or somewhere to go, something to do for one of the days at the weekend.
Try this for a few months and then see what he says.
Surely visiting his parents on his own can be scaled back, every other week?, every 3 weeks?. Why don't you visit them as a family?
Same with going out with his mates, every other week is reasonable.

NoSauce · 01/11/2019 21:01

He has a nice old life doesn’t he? Out with his mates, a hobby AND one night a week sleeping at his parents! Jesus wept. He’s taking the piss OP.

PaquitaVariation · 01/11/2019 21:01

But that’s only three days, he’s around for the other four. Stop being a martyr and start doing something for yourself. He can hardly argue with it, surely?!

Drum2018 · 01/11/2019 21:03

You should go to your parents or even his parents, or a childfree friend, for a weekend night and have a break - every weekend. Fairly shit that he does this for a break - why does he think he's entitled to a break when you don't get one? You also need to get a hobby that takes you out at least one evening per week.

7salmonswimming · 01/11/2019 21:03

When the children are older is when he gets to have balance in his life.

Right now, he’s maintaining a balanced life at your expense. You don’t have a balanced life.

The solution is either you both do nothing extra curricular, or you both do similar quantities of extra curricular stuff. Otherwise you’re on the path to resentment.

4 children is very hard work. That’s just a fact.

Original poster
AndysFavouriteToy · 01/11/2019 21:07

My parents are dead so can't go there.
The other nights are dealing with getting kids to bed so we have Saturday even and Sunday together. I don't really want "me" time, just more "us" time and for him to want to be with us.

OP posts:
Cryalot2 · 01/11/2019 21:08

He is the one who is the problem. He is making you feel the problem but it is his way of making him justify his selfish way.
You are working as much .
He is treating you badly .
Flowers I wish you well.

Elieza · 01/11/2019 21:08

What’s sauce for the goose....

I’d do the same to him.

Meet your friend more regularly (even just for one coffee and a chat once a week)

Start a night school in something once a week in a non conflicting night.

Let him see how tiring the little monsters are and perhaps he will realise how it’s unfair for you to never have a break. He has a right cushy life by the sound of it. Never ceases to amaze me how sahm’s are expected to evening child care every night too. Yet dad comes home, plays with them for 20mins and abandons all responsibility for them after that. Who does he think will look after them all evening. Surely not his wife whose already worked all day doing that? Wow. Hope he’s not one of them too OP. Bad enough he escapes three times a week Scot free.

maddening · 01/11/2019 21:13

Yanbu

arethereanyleftatall · 01/11/2019 21:18

I don't think he's out that much, BUT, only if he's happy for you to be out the same amount. Exh (ex for another reason!) and I mutually agreed that we both would like to carry on with our hobbies/social life after kids, and we did). Would he be happy if you went out over bedtime twice a week, and were out 9-3 on a Sunday?

Also, was it a joint decision to have four children under 8?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 01/11/2019 21:23

I don’t think it’s that much either, he’s working the night at his parents and he needs his health given he’s the sole earner for six people.

If you can’t juggle life with no job how do you see it working once you get one as planned?

OhioOhioOhio · 01/11/2019 21:25

He needs to come up with the 'us' time idea.

Original poster
AndysFavouriteToy · 01/11/2019 21:27

Well I am hoping when I work (it will be school hours) that the 24/7 of the kids will be easier, and generally kids do get easier as they get older.

Dh couldn't do bedtime alone on a school night. We tied in once and the kids didn't get out to bed and were sleeping in their day clothes/awake when I returned.

OP posts: