Is this fair/ok?

[AndysFavouriteToy]

4 kids under 8.
Dh does one overnight at his parents for a break/see them/convenience (they live near his work) leaving me with no helpmfor one eve and morning.

He does one night a week with mates and home after 11pm.

He does one day a weekend for his hobby (usually 9am to 3pm)

Its bloody hard work with the kids, I get no break. When he is home the most he will do is load a dishwasher or watch kids (by watch I mean put.on a movie and play on his phone.)

Half term has been fun, but I am knackered and have worked my socks off making sure they have a fun week. Another Friday night alone without help and I'm getting fed up.

Dh's side will be;
Works 40 hour week, needs time to.do.extra work and so.goes.to parents to carry this out and have peace and see them without kids interrupting, nights with mates are so he can chill after long week and network, hobby is to keep fit and see his bro (yes it's cycling!)

His arguments make sense and are ok, but I am knackered and lonely.

I go out every 4-6 weeks for a drink/meal with my best friend, usually home by 11pm and that is the only time i am away from kids and always made to feel guilty for it.

I am sahm, don't contribute financially, but am training so will be able to.when youngest starts school.

Aiu to resent how much time dh spends away from home?

Just out of interest how many are still at home and do they go to nursery? I’m assuming at least some of the children are at school so if you have child free time during the day then the balance of his activities might seem less unreasonable. At the moment, it does sound a bit too much-particularly the 9-3 on the Saturday for cycling. The evenings wouldn’t bother me as much.

As I said, I don't really want to do stuff alone, I want us to be together more and to me mentally present too.

2 at school, one at preschool 3 morning til 12, 1 at home all the time.

DH needs more practice at getting the kids to bed.
Don't give up on that just because he didn't make the effort that one time.

Maybe if you have some me time, he'll take more notice of what's happening and you might then be able to suggest more us time.

@arethereanyleftatall yes we both made all 4 children

you tried it and he put them into bed in their clothes

wow he really has managed to pull the wool over your eyes. No one is that incompetent unless they choose to be or cant be bothered

He needs more time on his own with them to appreciate what you do

He didn't put them to bed in their clothes, he didn't put them to bed at all... he put movies on and gave them devices and left them to it until they fell asleep (or didn't). Baby was with me.

His arguments do make sense, and they make perfect sense for you too.

You need to take the other day at the weekend , and two evenings a week to yourself.
Add up all the hours you with in a week, then go on the Internet and cost the work you do. Cooking, meal planning, overnight nanny, cleaning, laundry, and housekeeper to organise it all. You are worth your weight in gold, and you definitely deserve some time out.

If I take time we will not see each other!

@OhioOhioOhio
Does he fuck, the days of pandering to the man are gone, she needs it tell him straight.

I reread it that is even worse. He didnt even try. That isnt incompetence that is awful parenting, How is he a GOOD DAD

The problem is with all those who say it makes sense and for you to get your time he both makes you feel guilty and doesnt even try

Dh couldn't do bedtime alone on a school night. We tied in once and the kids didn't get out to bed and were sleeping in their day clothes/awake when I returned.*

Yeah that's contrived ignorance. You went out, he didn't put them to bed so that you'd never do that again.

Men are perfectly capable of putting children to bed like any other adult human - if they want to.

Him having a night out with friends is not an issue - but you need to be able to have a break too. I agree you should perhaps tot up what it would cost for the childcare that you are doing (perhaps some housework too) and make it clear how much you do and that you are going to take a break more regularly. Don't ask, just do.

If he is calling you controlling every time you try and assert yourself, that is a different issue entirely - that's gaslighting in order to keep you under control.

if I take time we will not see each other!

So you feel like you dont want any 'you' time because you will not see each other.

Your DH should then be reducing the amount of time he is away from home so you can have a bit of you time and there's still time for you to have together.

It shouldn't be that he has all the free time to himself. He does sound a bit selfish @AndysFavouriteToy

YANBU op

However, is this schedule long standing or a ‘recent’ development? If DH was keeping the same routine before having DC 3/4 and he didn’t agree to stop/change when having them then I would arguably say you’ve made your choice.

FWIW my DH works 60+ hours a week (contracted) and has a lot of work to do outside of that too. I’m currently 18+4 with DC1 and KNOW that DH’s working hours/continents won’t change post baby. I knew going into it what the score was and made the decision accordingly. It’s not ‘fair’ but it’s nowhere near as bad as men who take up extravagant hobbies/work once baby arrives (to escape).

If that makes sense

It started with the hobby at weekend 12 months ago, just after 4th child, a few of moths later the midweek and Friday nights kicked in.
Before that he had the occasional night out, never visited his parents unless I made him (they had difficult relationship) and I was go between.

No it’s not fair.

Also making you feel guilty for going out once every 5-6 weeks, when he goes out 2-3 times in a week, he’s a twat.

Months not moths! Sorry typing with sleeping small person on me.

Ok so something has changed and made him go from being a good involved Dad to not being coinciding with the 4th child.

You have to see you cant let it go on like this

It started 12 months ago? That’s a bit strange. Mid-life crisis?

He's a grown up with a partner and 4 children and spends 1 night a week with mummy and daddy! Wtf ! He's taking the piss.

Yeah I am wondering mid life crisis, suddenly worried about his health, wanting to improve social life, working hard and worrying about overpaying mortgage so he can one day reduce hours/retire early.

YANBU

Why are you made to feel guilty for it?

I think in these situations they cant have it both ways - he either thinks you work equally as hard with the kids, so you deserve equal time off, or he thinks it's a really easy life looking after the kids, and if that's the case why cant he pitch in a bit more?

When you go back to work will he be happy doing 50 50 at home?

did the incompetence with the children change then as well.

DId he go from being a good dad to an awful one?

He isn't awful, just on his phone alot and a bit absent.

When I work it will be school hours so aside to the extra income it won't effect him.