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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this fair/ok?

141 replies

AndysFavouriteToy · 01/11/2019 20:41

4 kids under 8.
Dh does one overnight at his parents for a break/see them/convenience (they live near his work) leaving me with no helpmfor one eve and morning.

He does one night a week with mates and home after 11pm.

He does one day a weekend for his hobby (usually 9am to 3pm)

Its bloody hard work with the kids, I get no break. When he is home the most he will do is load a dishwasher or watch kids (by watch I mean put.on a movie and play on his phone.)

Half term has been fun, but I am knackered and have worked my socks off making sure they have a fun week. Another Friday night alone without help and I'm getting fed up.

Dh's side will be;
Works 40 hour week, needs time to.do.extra work and so.goes.to parents to carry this out and have peace and see them without kids interrupting, nights with mates are so he can chill after long week and network, hobby is to keep fit and see his bro (yes it's cycling!)

His arguments make sense and are ok, but I am knackered and lonely.

I go out every 4-6 weeks for a drink/meal with my best friend, usually home by 11pm and that is the only time i am away from kids and always made to feel guilty for it.

I am sahm, don't contribute financially, but am training so will be able to.when youngest starts school.

Aiu to resent how much time dh spends away from home?

OP posts:
Brideof2020 · 03/11/2019 12:01

Well it's a start @AndysFavouriteToy hope you stick with not letting him come out with you. Hope you take some of the advice on here. Best wishes Flowers

itsgettingweird · 03/11/2019 12:07

Well let's help showing what opting out actually means he'll make a good decision - that he did g want to and change his ways.

Quartz2208 · 03/11/2019 12:15

Did he feed them breakfast or just do nothing

ParkLife123 · 03/11/2019 12:23

What he’s doing is excessive OP. It needs to be cut back so you both get some rest from the hard work you both do.

And as for not letting him come out with you, are you absolutely sure this won’t be seen as some sort of victory? He gets peace and quiet at home with the kids out doesn’t he...so if I were you I’d be making him come out, drive the family, pay attention to the kids while out and give them and you some quality time. I sometimes have to give my DH a look or a nudge if he’s looking at his phone too much and not once have I been accused of being controlling. If he said that then I’d just tell him he’s neglecting his children!

Hope things improve OP, if your DH has lots of redeeming qualities then that’s fine. But the balance isn’t right at the moment and only you know how to achieve the balance you want. Great start this morning by going out. I’d just make sure when you return that you are horrified that the children weren’t changed/baby was still in last night’s nappy so that he pulls his finger out and learns very fast what he needs to do in these very normal situations!

GleamInYourEyes · 03/11/2019 12:51

Wow, he left a baby in a overnight nappy until 11am? That's pure neglect!

Did he actually feed them?

Tistheseason17 · 03/11/2019 13:04

He isn't awful, just on his phone alot and a bit absent

Hmmmmm..... Hmm
This is not normal for a health, equal relationship. I think you know it, too, or you would not have posted.

It will be difficult reading some of these replies but they are true. You are working just as hard with your children and need a break, too.

Next time, go out for longer.

OrangeSlices998 · 03/11/2019 13:07

He’s not a child babysitting, did you say ‘the baby’s nappy needs changing, off you go!’ Etc. Letting him opt out is what he wants, he’s got a lovely quiet Sunday all to himself now!

Lostsocksaresoannoying · 03/11/2019 13:28

Just to compare, I work part time (school hours), both dc now at school. Dh works around between 50-60 hours a week. We see his parents fortnightly all together, he meets his mate around once a month for a meal and is home by 10, and he usually helps with the dc before he goes out. He has a night out maybe 4 times a year where he stays at his parents as they live in his home town where his friend is and he'll have a few drinks, he's then back first thing the next morning.

Weekends are spent driving dc to their clubs/hobbies and we do family hobbies all together such as cycling, parkrun, swimming, baking with the dc. He takes our boys to watch their football team. I'd be quite happy for dh to spend a few hours doing a hobby if he wanted to but as it happens he doesn't.

Dh is perfectly capable of getting dc to bed and getting them ready in the morning.

FWIW I think your husband is a selfish arsehole.

GleamInYourEyes · 03/11/2019 13:36

It's not normal for a parent to treat their children like shit. Even mediocre, not super-engaged parents do the basics of nappy changes and feeding.

TotHappy · 03/11/2019 15:14

He's doing it on purpose. Openly neglecting the kids. What the actual fuck. It could have been depression or something but I don't think so if he's now tidying in an apologetic panic. If he just went back to bed or something when you got home I might think depression.

Happityhap · 03/11/2019 17:03

Not a 'great dad' after all, then.

Did he give them any breakfast?

There are two separate problems - his time away from you and the kids, and his refusal to even give basic care to the kids when he is there.

I suggest tackling the childcare problem first as there's no point asking him to spend more time with you all if he's going to be a useless waste of space

MarchingAnts · 03/11/2019 17:11

I work 40 hours, so does DH. Neither of us have a night out a week (maybe every 6 weeks), a night away (maybe once a year) or a day at the weekend for hobbies- we both look after the toddler together! I honestly can't see how he thinks it's fair to do this. As a side note, toddler has been sick all week and I've taken time off to look after her. I'm far more exhausted at the end of this week than I would be after 40 hours in work!

Original poster
AndysFavouriteToy · 03/11/2019 17:18

Yes he had fed them, dishes were in the sink still so I knew!

OP posts:
billy1966 · 03/11/2019 22:12

Honestly OP, he's guilty of neglect.

Leaving a baby in a full over night nappy is neglect.

God help you dealing with such a selfish prick.

Don't forget the nappy! 🙄 Awful.
💐

Ginger1982 · 03/11/2019 22:19

He is treating you like a mug and you are letting him walk all over you.

Goldenchildsmum · 04/11/2019 04:50

think he feels bad

I don't think he feels bad

I think he is a dick. Your poor baby sitting in 12 hours old wee or worse. That man is horrible

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