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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this fair/ok?

141 replies

AndysFavouriteToy · 01/11/2019 20:41

4 kids under 8.
Dh does one overnight at his parents for a break/see them/convenience (they live near his work) leaving me with no helpmfor one eve and morning.

He does one night a week with mates and home after 11pm.

He does one day a weekend for his hobby (usually 9am to 3pm)

Its bloody hard work with the kids, I get no break. When he is home the most he will do is load a dishwasher or watch kids (by watch I mean put.on a movie and play on his phone.)

Half term has been fun, but I am knackered and have worked my socks off making sure they have a fun week. Another Friday night alone without help and I'm getting fed up.

Dh's side will be;
Works 40 hour week, needs time to.do.extra work and so.goes.to parents to carry this out and have peace and see them without kids interrupting, nights with mates are so he can chill after long week and network, hobby is to keep fit and see his bro (yes it's cycling!)

His arguments make sense and are ok, but I am knackered and lonely.

I go out every 4-6 weeks for a drink/meal with my best friend, usually home by 11pm and that is the only time i am away from kids and always made to feel guilty for it.

I am sahm, don't contribute financially, but am training so will be able to.when youngest starts school.

Aiu to resent how much time dh spends away from home?

OP posts:
GettingABitDesperateNow · 01/11/2019 22:29

Just seen your update saying he cant even put the kids to bed by himself.

I couldn't put up with this level of learned helplessness, its just pathetic

Purpleartichoke · 01/11/2019 22:29

You work too. You should have roughly equal amounts of free time. Outside of his 40 hours of work plus any commute time, You should be splitting child responsibility. He is being ridiculous.

whywhywhy6 · 01/11/2019 22:31

I’m not surprised you’re struggling and you want a break, and I’m sure he feels the same financially supporting 6 people. You have your hands full with four small children.

Which is why I stopped at 2 - I wouldn’t be able to cope and neither could my husband, emotionally or in respect of the financial commitment.

I’m not sure if you’re being unreasonable. Both of you decided to have four children so you both need to care for them physically and financially. You’re both doing that though. I guess he could work part time and you could work part time and you’d both have a better balance? Easier said than done though.

Original poster
AndysFavouriteToy · 01/11/2019 22:33

I just couldn't earn what he does, I would happily take financial burden but he can earns 6x what I could!

OP posts:
pallisers · 01/11/2019 22:35

Ah yes he isn't lazy and he is a great father but he can't actually put his own children to bed. How do they get women to swallow that koolaid.

He is taking the piss. A sleepover once a week with his parents - seriously? He should want to be with you and not his parents overnight.

Quartz2208 · 01/11/2019 22:36

talk to him OP - this isnt fair and he is absenting himself from family life. The night with his parents is absurb.

Rainbowqueeen · 01/11/2019 22:42

I would sit him down and say
I am feeling sad/ upset/ lonely/ exhausted because of my work life balance. I feel if this isn’t addressed then it will have a really negative impact upon my overall health, the kids and you. What do you suggest we can do differently so that I can get some balance back in my life.

Then listen to what he says. Have a list of your own suggestions ready. Tell him the things that would really make a difference to you, help with laundry, cooking whatever.

And I agree with those who say he needs more practice with dealing with the kids alone. That attempt at putting them to bed was woeful. He should be embarrassed.

Someone posted here once about how a certain amount of slack parenting is ok eg tv time. But when it’s the same parent who uses that all the time it means the other parent has to step up and actually do the real parenting That leads to resentment. Can he take the kids to the park or soft play? What would happen if you were poorly and had to go to hospital? He needs to improve his skills.

The kids won’t adore him when they are older and realise who was there for them, that he doesn’t want to engage with them. You could end up with yourself and then all resenting him if he doesn’t change his attitude.

NoSquirrels · 01/11/2019 22:48

So he’s historically had a poor relationship with his parents, and never used to see them, but for 12 months he’s been sleeping there 1 night a week?

And he took up cycling with his brother every week 9-3 on a Saturday about 12 months ago?

And he’s out with his mates one night a week?

And he’s often distracted on his phone?

And he’s not interested that you feel like he’s not wanting to spend time with you?

Are you 100% on the staying-at-his-parents thing? Do you see much of the ILs and his brother otherwise?

I’d be really suspicious, honestly.

NoSquirrels · 01/11/2019 22:50

Dh couldn't do bedtime alone on a school night. We tied in once and the kids didn't get out to bed and were sleeping in their day clothes/awake when I returned.

This is absolutely fucking appalling, quite honestly. Especially as he leaves you to do it solo at least 2 nights every week.

Why has he not been in charge of a solo bedtime for them before that 2 occasion.

Honestly- I wouldn’t want to spend more time with him!

tartantroosers · 01/11/2019 22:52

What nosquirrels said...apart from the question being discussed, I'd be massively suspicious of this behaviour pattern.

Original poster
AndysFavouriteToy · 01/11/2019 22:53

Since he sees his parents he says I don't need to. They aren't that nice and are not bothered about seeing kids. He says part of motivation to go there is to relieve us from spending "our" time with them. Previously I would arrange visits without him as he never wanted to see them, which is why it's difficult to argue as he is rebuilding his relationship with them.

OP posts:
GrumpyHoonMain · 01/11/2019 22:55

He works 40 hours per week plus overtime which is why he’s with his mum. The gym / socialisation is needed otherwise that kind of work schedule could drive anyone to an early grave.

I think both of you need to sit down and talk to each other about getting you back to work as soon as possible so you can help out and both of you can work reasonable hours both in / outside the home.

Quartz2208 · 01/11/2019 22:58

Is he definitely with his parents - it kind of does scream OW

NoSquirrels · 01/11/2019 22:59

Since he sees his parents he says I don't need to.

Look, I don’t know, OP, and I don’t like to be the voice of doom but that is extremely convenient for him that you never see them, therefore never know if he’s actually there 1 night a week.

If I wanted to have a guaranteed no-questions-asked night away from home every week it would be in my interest to keep my DP away.

Why does he want to rebuild a relationship with people uninterested in his family?

NoSquirrels · 01/11/2019 23:02

He works 40 hours per week plus overtime which is why he’s with his mum.

40 hours is just a normal 9-5 FT job Confused. Overtime - OK, but I dint think he’s exactly in danger of burnout or exceeding the working time directive!

JuneSpoon · 01/11/2019 23:03

My thoughts coincide with NoSquirells

Lucifer666 · 01/11/2019 23:05

Yeah his arguement is fair OP but so is yours! Quite frankly he's massively taking the piss! One night a week at mummy and daddys for peace and quiet ffs!, plus time out for his hobby and his friends and when you go out you're made to feel guilty!

If it was me I'd give him a taste of his own medicine get your mum to call and say she's sick and dash off for a weekend to look after her and spend your time relaxing and leave him with the kids see how he likes it or you could just tell him firmly that since he has so many breaks in the week and opportunities for down time you've decided to do it yourself since he seems so relaxed 😈 even if you have to sneak out early and send a text saying just popped out for a bit give the kids breakfast and then leave him all day he'll either realise just how much you do or be massively pissed off at which point you say "well at least you get your weekly breaks I'm lucky if I get a night out once a month!" Petty maybe but there's no better way of making a point than actions speaking louder than any words ever could 😁

Ellisandra · 01/11/2019 23:08

@NoSquirrels sadly I was Hmm about that too.

OP, he “couldn’t” put just 3 kids to bed, 2 of whom are school age?

If you had left your 8yo to put themselves and 2 siblings to bed, I guarantee you they would all have at least made it into PJs Hmm

Any respect I had for my husband would have disappeared at that shitty laziness designed to stop you expecting anything. And love goes with respect, for me.

Don’t write “couldn’t”, write “wouldn’t”.
Because that’s the truth of what you’re dealing with Angry

Ellisandra · 01/11/2019 23:09

@Lucifer666 OP can’t pressure end her mum is sick, her mum is dead Sad

Ellisandra · 01/11/2019 23:09

*pretend

Lucifer666 · 01/11/2019 23:10

@NoSquirrels I thought the exact same thing! 40 hours is pretty a standard work week which just makes the DH even more of a cheeky fucker for making his DW feel guilty for the odd night out when he does iit weekly! Smh 🙄

Lionsgirl111 · 01/11/2019 23:12

OP, do you feel he actually WANTS to spend time with you? If your truly honest with yourself do you think he WANTS to be spend time with the kids?

MysweetAudrina · 01/11/2019 23:12

I'd be making sure he is definitely staying at his parents and it's not just a cover for something else.

shiningstar2 · 01/11/2019 23:17

Does he spend all evening sitting in with his parents or does he visit, have his meal with them then go out, thereby getting another night out op?
I know you want together time not 'me' time but I think that if you start going out yourself some Fridays, leaving him to cope it might make him see what you are getting at. If it doesn't at least you would be getting a night out every other week. This would make things a little more even, give you a break and as it would be instead of one of his Fridays it wouldn't impact on the family time he is normally at home.

Ellisandra · 01/11/2019 23:17

Why do women on here whose “partners” do fuck all with their kids ALWAYS say they’re great with them? Hmm