Is this fair/ok?

[AndysFavouriteToy]

4 kids under 8.
Dh does one overnight at his parents for a break/see them/convenience (they live near his work) leaving me with no helpmfor one eve and morning.

He does one night a week with mates and home after 11pm.

He does one day a weekend for his hobby (usually 9am to 3pm)

Its bloody hard work with the kids, I get no break. When he is home the most he will do is load a dishwasher or watch kids (by watch I mean put.on a movie and play on his phone.)

Half term has been fun, but I am knackered and have worked my socks off making sure they have a fun week. Another Friday night alone without help and I'm getting fed up.

Dh's side will be;
Works 40 hour week, needs time to.do.extra work and so.goes.to parents to carry this out and have peace and see them without kids interrupting, nights with mates are so he can chill after long week and network, hobby is to keep fit and see his bro (yes it's cycling!)

His arguments make sense and are ok, but I am knackered and lonely.

I go out every 4-6 weeks for a drink/meal with my best friend, usually home by 11pm and that is the only time i am away from kids and always made to feel guilty for it.

I am sahm, don't contribute financially, but am training so will be able to.when youngest starts school.

Aiu to resent how much time dh spends away from home?

I totally agree with other posters - four small kids is stressful and he can't hack it so he opts to spend as much time as possible out of the house.

However, I too would like to reiterate the nonsense about him not putting the kids to bed. It's not rocket science. How can you respect someone who is unable to put their own children to bed?! This something you have got to introduce. Crazy not to! It will not only make him more skilled at home but free you up if and when you want to.

I hope this thread has given you some strength to talk to your husband again about how unhappy you are about certain things and how you would like to spend some time with him. I hope you can listen to each other.

I haven't read the whole thread but just came on to say that a 40 hour week is really not stressful! I regularly work 55-60 hours a week as a teacher. If he is trotting out 'I work a 40 hour week' as an excuse to be lazy, I'm afraid it won't wash.

So he’s on over £90k? Why aren’t you getting more paid help?

If he wants his hobbies/ time out he needs to pay for the childcare to facilitate this!

The signs of an affair are there.

How often are you having sex?

Sorry OP, to be another one saying he's utterly taking the piss here. I cannot understand how you are tolerating this? He does sound like he's disengaged from his family with you - personally I'd have thrown him out at using the tv as childminder. He's fucking useless. In fact I hate men like this, it's a type of abuse of women - find one to dump their DNA into, like a fucking parasite. And then back to being a fucking lad.

Wow women do love apologising for and making allowances for shit men don’t they.

OP YANBU he is a massive arse and your current situation isn’t fair at all. But you already knew that.

You said what a great Dad he is and the kids adore him - is he? Do they? They don’t see him for half the week, he just sticks a film on or bungs them a device, doesn’t parent them or put them to bed, OR respect their mum!

What happens on the nights he is home? Do you all eat together? Do you get the kids settled and into bed together? Then what - does he clean the kitchen, unload the dishwasher? My guess is no, to the above. He doesn’t cook, doesn’t put the kids to bed, doesn’t clean or tidy, and when you come downstairs after wrangling 4 young children into bed he’s sat there on his phone/watching TV with mess around? If I’m wrong I’m happy to be!

This man isn’t a good man. Or a good husband. You’re running around making sure his life is just so, because why? It’s easier than challenging him and showing him how shit it is! If he earns such a huge wage, then USE that money to free up time for yourselves. Get a cleaner in. Have a regular night in with a takeaway. Pay a babysitter and go out TOGETHER! Or use it to go out yourself, go to the gym, swimming, yoga, cinema. You are allowed your own time, although you said you want time with him. I’m baffled as to why from your posts but each to their own.

And stop putting him on a pedestal - he works an average work week. Nothing to be so worthy of ALL this alone time and down time!

Sounds very similar to my when my husband was having an affair.

I am so fed up of controlling men telling their poor partner she is being controlling for trying to challenge his shitty behaviour. And then hearing those women repeat it about themselves as if it's true! It's bloody not, op.

He might not be lazy at work but he's lazy at home and treats you like his servant.

He has no respect and no care for you. That is not a good partner or good parent.

Your life shouldn't be like this and you deserve better. So much better.

Maybe have a look at The Freedom Programme or Lundy Bancroft's book (Why does he do that?).

Sorry but the staying with his parents one night a week is pathetic. No grown adult does that unless they’re taking grandchildren and it’s for a bit of support with that. Rebuilding his relationship? That’s bullshit I’m afraid. He’s either doing something he shouldn’t be or he’s building an incredibly unhealthy relationship because that whole setup as an adult is just plain weird.

Whether he was on board with having four kids is neither here nor there at this point they’re here and he needs to step up.

How on earth can you stomach listening to him prattle on about ‘rebuilding relationships/networking/down time/working hours ()? I’d be seething. Where’s your time to do all that? Four kids is a lot granted but generally he’s not being asked to perform extraordinary feats here - you manage it don’t you so why can’t he (who can apparently manage a demanding job) pitch in.

Either he’s completely checked out and your simply keeping an image going or he’s got someone else I reckon. Your life would be a lot more pleasant without him in it because at least you wouldn’t have expectations that are consistently let down.

Everrything about this says OW to me too.

Especially if he wasn't such a waste of space before the last year.

Not even getting the kids into bed properly is just insanely lazy and selfish.

What a prick. Sorry OP, you've got some serious decisions to make about what you want your future to look like.

I don't think the things he does sound unreasonable but it is unreasonable that he doesn't help out at home and it is unreasonable that he is useless at putting the kids to bed.

How much do you enjoy being a SAHM.

I used to love it. I was really busy all the time and out doing things with friends. It was great fun. I had four kids close in age. I guess I was lucky in that I had a good circle of friends. My husband travelled a lot for work so I was on my own a lot but because I was enjoying myself I was ok with it. I felt sorry for my husband missing out on the kids though.

What about getting a babysitter so you and your husband can go out together. That what my husband and I did. We were often exhausted but having a night out together once a fortnight was good for us.

Reading your updates it’s really strange that he went from not wanting to see his mum and dad to weekly sleep overs. Really strange! I know everyone on here always says OW straight away but he is showing very strange behaviour OP

Why does cycling need to be 6 hours? Couldn’t he get up early and do an early morning ride for a few hours?

40 hours is standard, not a lot. That cannot be part of his "argument".

You do seem quick to defend him - it's like you're starting to believe his rubbish - If I take time we will not see each other! - and this would be his "problem"/decision if it happens. He cannot take all the free time for himself.

He doesn't sound like a good dad at all. My dad was similar and we have a very strained relationship. He didn't know really anything about me when I was growing up, didn't show any interest, didn't really interact (as your husband seems not to - movies and him sitting on his phone is not parenting, there is no bonding/anything positive going on there). If he doesn't see them much at weekends and presumably doesn't see them much/at all on week nights, how is he proposing to have any kind of decent relationship with them? Particularly as you have 4 and he needs to invest time with each of them...

He is a selfish nob and that pathetic attempt at putting the kids to bed was embarrassing

I personally couldn't respect or fancy a man like that

Haha at the idea of 40 hours a week being a lot. That's a standard working week that most people do, and they still manage to keep up with their parental responsibilities at home. He's being lazy and selfish.

OP, another example of an extremely selfish man avoiding family life.

I think in fairness it's unlikely to be an affair unless his parents and brother are both covering for him.

I think the main thing he needs to do is step up when he's there, ie get a system which means he can do bedtime on his own and not just sticking the TV on when he's meant to be parenting.

I think a weekly overnight stay at parents is too much, and could be much less frequent.

Could your elder two be dropped off (by you) for a granny and grandad sleepover with him there as well?

Unfortunately though 4 children is a lot, the only people I know with four tend to tag team a lot (ie one takes two to do something age appropriate then the other does something different),so family time is more challenging.

40 hours is not a long working week. I did that and more while doing everything for two school age kids including drop offs, pick up from after school club, ferrying to activities.

I certainly never got to run off to my mummy's house one night a week! He really needs to grow up

@AndysFavouriteToy I work part time 32 hours a week, have 3 kids, do 100% of the cooking, probably 70% of the house work. I certainly dont think I am entitled to the amount of 'downtime' your DH has. I made the decision to have children and so did you and your DH - he isn't entitled to all that time away from his family.
My DP works about 60 hours a week and sometimes from home, hence he will do some of the housework. Our routines haven't changed before or after kids.
I hate to say it but I agree with other PPs the sudden change in your DHs routine, making you feel guilty, the controlling behaviour is major red flags to me unfortunately. Firstly I think you need to try and find out if he is definitely at his parents every week.

Ive been there OP. It’s not fair. You need a break and a good dad should give you one. You should have one morning off at the weekend to do as you see fit. What luxury he has to get to see his parents without the kids so he can talk to them- do you get this with your family?
I predict your resentment will grow and if it does you will stop being affectionate and won’t want to go to bed with him and then his attitude to you will worsen. It’s not a good scenario and it’s one I’ve been in.

I think he needs to drop the night off at his parents every week for a start!

He could take the kids to his parents on a Sunday instead to give you a break.

I think you definitely need to take up a hobby that takes you out one night a week so he can practice doing bedtime and you get some headspace.

Maybe you could compromise on the night out with friends too - one week he goes out with his mates, next week you go out on a date night together, next week you go out with your mates, next night you have a date night in?

Phone his parents' landline the next night he's there. There must be something trivial about Christmas you could plausibly discuss.

I too find it extremely odd that he would spend a night a week with people he's historically had a poor relationship with.

What about the op needed her health given that she appears to be virtually a sole carer of 4 children?
Yanbu op. He is.

Well I took your advice and this morning got up early and said I had to pop to shops. Didn't give him chance to argue and said I would be back at 11 so he will need to get kids dressed and give them breakfast.
I just returned, kids in PJ's, baby still in last night's nappy all watching TV and playing consoles. We were meant to be going out for lunch so am getting kids ready and told him he isn't coming, he has opted out of family life so he can stay opted out. He is tidying at the moment while grunting about, think he feels bad as he never tidies without being asked.