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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how many hours your DP spends playing videos games

470 replies

Cchick · 01/11/2019 19:21

Just what the title says really.

My partner spends maybe 15-20 hours a week on average (sometimes he can spend 12 full hours!) and I was wondering how many your partners spend. I mean he's playing the games with other people, so is this normal in other households too?

FYI, we don't have any children yet and we aren't married yet. I'm just very worried that if we do marry and have kids, the family would come second to gaming. Everyone says to look out for red flags and I'm wondering if this is one?

Long story short, how many hours do your partners spend gaming and has it reduced since marrying and having children?

TIA!

OP posts:
WalkAwaySugarbear · 02/11/2019 07:59

DH spends a few hours a day gaming or on youtube / twitch. It's his thing, doesn't bother me at all. I spend hours watching TV.

Buyitinbamboo · 02/11/2019 08:10

None but hes never gamed, even as a teenager.

He spends a fair amount of time on bbc sport though. Can't complain as I spend the equivalent here!

isabellerossignol · 02/11/2019 08:13

Loads of people say they wouldn't date a gamer. I could never have married someone who was into football. I see so many families where the man is out a couple of nights a week watching football and then maybe playing football at the weekend as well. But football is just accepted as something that men do (I even had a 'friend' once tell me that she thought there was something sinister and untrustworthy about men who weren't into football) even though it can have a really negative effect on their families.

isabellerossignol · 02/11/2019 08:14

Posted too soon!

Obviously if someone doesn't want to date a gamer that is entirely their choice.

I just find it strange that gaming is judged in a way that other time consuming hobbies are not.

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 02/11/2019 08:21

I had a friend who would mock me for being married to a man who enjoyed gaming for an hour in the evenings because apparently it was childish.

She also complained constantly about her DH who would come home from work, spend 40 minutes in the toilet on his phone then ignore her while he sat on the sofa scratching his balls and watching sky sports news until he fell asleep.

How I longed for such a manly grown-up man. Ugh...

PopcornAndWine · 02/11/2019 08:21

Mine plays, honestly couldn't put a number of hours a week on it as it depends on what else we have on, what kind of evening DD is having, whether there is a particular new game out he wants to play etc.

Good to know I'm married to a manchild though! Hmm I'm curious, is there a Mumsnet Approved Hobbies for Adults list we should consult?

FlamingoAndJohn · 02/11/2019 08:21

I would not date a gamer full stop. The addiction comes before anything else and can totally take over lives.

But that is just one type of gaming.

It’s like the difference between having a drink and being an alcoholic.
Or following a football team and going to every single match and naming the children after players.

As said above gaming is not just what you see teenagers doing. There are many more interesting games than that.

Dh doesn’t game much these days but when he does it’s Witcher or Skyrim, not something like Fortnite, which is for children/teens.

Vulpine · 02/11/2019 08:22

The problem is obsessive behaviour be it gaming or football/sport - and the number of threads on mumsnet complaining about how much they affect family life is testament to that. Im not crazy about either.

FlamingoAndJohn · 02/11/2019 08:23

is there a Mumsnet Approved Hobbies for Adults list we should consult?

Yes, all men must cycle because going out with your mates on your bike is something that is never done by children.

NotACleverName · 02/11/2019 08:25

I'm curious, is there a Mumsnet Approved Hobbies for Adults list we should consult?

Oh yes, I believe it includes:

  • Competitive Gin Drinking
  • Bitching about your MIL
  • Sneering at other adults hobbies that you've judged not "adult" enough
Vulpine · 02/11/2019 08:29

And writing sneery posts on mumsnet about other people sneering. Is there room for any more sneer?

Original poster
Cchick · 02/11/2019 08:29

Nomoreclue Thankyou so much for sharing. That is what I fear, and the reason I started this thread. For what it's worth, I don't believe you are ever too old to make decisions that make you happy. I certainly hope not!

Daisy I have already moved in - it's how I've seen the extent of the gaming. I'm now considering (v strongly) ending it because I don't want this to be my life. I'm quite young and can't imagine another 60+ years of this.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 02/11/2019 08:30

Reading is very different to gaming. It nurtures creativity and enhances imagination, learning, knowledge and vocabulary. It also is very relaxing, doesn’t emit blue light or suppress melatonin and promotes sleep and reduces stress hormones. It’s good for you. I don’t think you could say the same for gaming, even if you like it.

Gaming has positives too. It encourages problem solving, memory, attention, multitasking and logic skills. If you play in a group it encourages teamwork and inclusivity. Many games have a creative narrative and have similar imagination type benefits to stories accessed in a different medium (literature or film). Some are so beautiful they could be classed as an art form. DH has an extremely strong social group from uni thanks to the game despite the lot of them living in (I think) five different countries at the last count. They try to get together about once a year in person (not every person makes every meet up) but talk most weeks. They've been each other's best men etc, helped out when people have had crises - all attended one's funeral when he was killed in an accident. Online friendship is real - not just words on a screen.

It is a lot cheaper and less dangerous than many hobbies - I'd be anxious about DH going out on a motorbike.

It's OK if you don't like gaming but to present it as something totally without merit is false.

BertieBotts · 02/11/2019 08:30

Oops forgot to highlight top paragraph was a quote, sorry.

ChilledBee · 02/11/2019 08:31

Hubby games. So do I on occasion. We love CoD. Obviously we don't game at the expense of our children.

mumderland · 02/11/2019 08:32

Couple of hours a week? But only once the kids are in bed and if neither of us have something to watch on tv.

SquareAsABlock · 02/11/2019 08:32

Well I've just learned I'm apparently not an adult, regardless of the fact I went through puberty, university, worked long hours, raising my own children, own a home and more.

Genuinely a bit sad to see there's still such narrow views of gaming. I can see why it's not a hobby for everyone, but it definitely has it's own positives. Puzzle games are known for helping keeping your brain healthy and active, and Professor Leyton games are certainly more fun that just doing today's cryptic crossword in The Times. Some have beautiful, immersive stories, like The Last Of Us, and yes some are just a bit of mindless fun (I will be playing the new Pokemon game in a couple of weeks!).

Of course, no hobby should distract from other important parts of life. However, for every thread here berating partners for taking up all family time cycling or running marathons, I've never seen them being called 'children' for doing so. The Mumsnet opinion on gaming seems to not reflect real life though, as most people I know 'game' in one form or another.

ChilledBee · 02/11/2019 08:34

Look what a lot of you women have to realise is that no matter how much you try and control your spouses and make them better people, you cannot. You need to start with someone who has good values and wants the same things as you. My husband wants kids who are well nurtured and have a positive relationship with their father so he knows that he can't sit around and game for hours. He worked that out himself. I didnt need to teach him. He's pretty smart.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 02/11/2019 08:35

DH is so technologically challenged he doesn't even know how to log in to NetFlix.

DS (23) on the other hand is a gamer. This week he has been watching an online gaming competition with commentators and its treated just like a real sport Confused

He's not obsessed with it though. He might game for an hour or two if he's in for the evening but he's usually out with his mates.

Any activity which impinges on a relationship is a concern, it doesn't have to be gaming.

Mamadothehump · 02/11/2019 08:36

None. Apart from maybe once a year where we play mario kart at the arcade!!

JorisBonson · 02/11/2019 08:39

None. He's a 37 year old man.

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 02/11/2019 08:44

What does your 37-year-old man do for fun, Joris?

Palegreenstars · 02/11/2019 08:49

My husband is a gamer. It’s his way of relaxing (mine is reading). It’s possible to enjoy gaming and be a well rounded human being. I was quite snobby about it at first but actually it works well for us as we don’t really watch tv and 2/3 evenings a week after kid in bed he will game and I’ll share a sofa with him and read my book.
Gaming is important to him but it’s just part of who he is (great dad, good job, plays sport, good cook, friend, interested in culture). I think you need to talk to him about his priorities and how they will change in the future - that will tell you what you need to know.

Strugglingtodomybest · 02/11/2019 08:52

Mine goes to a friend's house maybe once a month or so and they have a gaming session together. He doesn't play console games at home, but he is glued to eBay...

mamandematribu · 02/11/2019 08:53

None.
He is 6 and I know he would probably play all day if I got a console.
Computer and console type games are actually banned in our house as they destroy the imagination and encourage obesity/laziness.

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