Dd11 inappropriate messages?

[MarioSisters]

Well maybe they're not inappropriate which is why I'm asking on here.

I took her phone off her earlier as she had been on it long enough and a message from her friend (friend from school, I don't know her though) which started with the words pussy, so I looked at the texts. Oh my god.

OK I know they get interested in sex etc and wondering what it is. But this girl was basically encouraging dd to masturbate, use objects, telling her to watch porn hub. When dd asked what porn is, her friend said its another word for sex. There were more messages but I don't want to go into detail as you don't know who reads these.

I was shocked and checked her group class messages etc and it does seem this girl is definitely in my daughters class and not some random person on the Internet.

I really don't think I'm being a prude, but welcome to be told its normal exploration etc. I just feel horrified, this isn't how I want dd to explore sexuality and sex.

Also they did suggest sending pics to each other soon. And I have so so many times told dd that things sent are out there forever but apparently that didn't sink in.

Don't get me wrong, although this girl is obviously much more knowledgeable than dd, dd was more than happy being led into the discussion and descriptive herself.

Am I being unreasonable? Is this normal? Shall I buy a farm and live off the land with no communication with the world?

Prawnofthepatriarchy

I know what you meant. I think your humour is misplaced. I am not being unpleasant. I am telling the OP the truth about a serious situation in which her DD appears to be at risk. I am not judging her, but I am not going to sugar-coat either.

at least someone is managing this

what a mess

poor kid

Sure feels judgemental whether is was intended so or otherwise

I am not judging you. I feel you are at fault, but that doesn’t equal judgmentalism. I know how this happens - everyone’s got one. I just feel it would be a lot easier to safeguard your daughter if you changed your mind. But this is your decision, so I will bow out now.

I don't think it's unusual at all for 11yo to have a phone, in fact where I am it's more unusual for them not to have all the latest social media

Very unusual OP. DD was in Year 5 when she first started asking for Instagram. She had a phone that she played games on etc but had no SM at that age. I relented when she was in year 6 as at that point there were only 2 others in her year group that didn't have it. However her first (and only) dick pick came from her best mate as a text message!

Thankfully we had very few issues, and now at 14 I still have full access to her phone & social media without any complaints from her.

churchandstate have you missed the bit where the OP said the other person was a child from school, I.e. someone her DD sees five days a week? If anything the phone was an advantage in this case because it gave the parents and the school written proof of what was shared. Had it just been disturbing face to face discussions it would have been more difficult to get to the bottom of this.

Booboostwo

It isn’t an inevitability that the conversation would have happened in the same way offline. Messaging lends itself to a lack of inhibition in a way that face-to-face communication doesn’t. Plus, most of their interactions - given that they aren’t close - would be likely to be in groups or under supervision of adults, making it even less likely. Phones change the nature of conversations between children. I can’t see that as a good thing.

I'm really surprised that the school told you what action they're taking with regard to the child and her parents, and the possibility of the child having been exposed to things she shouldn't have.

They didn't say there was a possibility of her being exposed, that was what I'd said . Or what action really.

Just that they are going to work with her parents to find out where this is coming from

For all the this is completely not normal for 11 years posters. I think actually your being extremely niave.

In my daughters school this issue arose in the last year of primary and that was 5 years ago. Numerous issues of extremely explicit sexual messages and conversations with zero real understanding of what it all meant. Children still playing catch and some of them with dolls.

They had to get internet safety talks in for children 10 and up.

Her secondary school is much much worse and the head her self told me its absolutely rampant and little the school can do to control it. For all the parents who find stuff and report it there are hundreds in the school who no doubt it is going and isnt being reported.

OP, you have done the right thing. If you want to drive the photos message home to your DD, can I recommend the "I saw your willy" video that the NSPCC made. I think this is the link:
Check it first to make sure it's the clean version before you show your DD.

I saw it on a safeguarding course and then used it again with my last tutor group (year 10 so quite a bit older than your DD). I expect I'll show it to my current lot who are year 7 before the end of the school year.

To the person who said that teachers view this sort of thing - we are told specifically NOT to look at any of it. If we do, we could be accused of looking at child pornography. We must never send it on from a child's device because we could then be charged with distributing child pornography. The only way that the case mentioned could have been solved was under the supervision of the police. It is a minefield and had I been in the OP's position, I would have gone straight to the safeguarding lead at the school. It is heartening to hear that the school has acted quickly.

Mal is correct. There have been some tall tales at worst on this thread, or misinformation at best, about teachers performing a police role.