Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd11 inappropriate messages?

161 replies

MarioSisters · 01/11/2019 17:28

Well maybe they're not inappropriate which is why I'm asking on here.

I took her phone off her earlier as she had been on it long enough and a message from her friend (friend from school, I don't know her though) which started with the words pussy, so I looked at the texts. Oh my god.

OK I know they get interested in sex etc and wondering what it is. But this girl was basically encouraging dd to masturbate, use objects, telling her to watch porn hub. When dd asked what porn is, her friend said its another word for sex. There were more messages but I don't want to go into detail as you don't know who reads these.

I was shocked and checked her group class messages etc and it does seem this girl is definitely in my daughters class and not some random person on the Internet.

I really don't think I'm being a prude, but welcome to be told its normal exploration etc. I just feel horrified, this isn't how I want dd to explore sexuality and sex.

Also they did suggest sending pics to each other soon. And I have so so many times told dd that things sent are out there forever but apparently that didn't sink in.

Don't get me wrong, although this girl is obviously much more knowledgeable than dd, dd was more than happy being led into the discussion and descriptive herself.

Am I being unreasonable? Is this normal? Shall I buy a farm and live off the land with no communication with the world?

OP posts:
Original poster
MarioSisters · 01/11/2019 21:21

Thanks everyone, we've talked and I've explained the consequences etc

I've also told her there is more a no phones upstairs rule which I know isn't foolproof but at least u can keep more of an eye.

Also told her that I'll be talking to school

OP posts:
Northernsoullover · 01/11/2019 21:35

Its so difficult parenting teens (or tweens) it might be useful to ask your daughter if someone screenshotted what she has written and showed it to class members would she feel embarrassed? I always tell mine never put anything in writing that you wouldn't wear on a tshirt. I just hope they remember this

Original poster
MarioSisters · 01/11/2019 21:41

I said similar to that. I said if you'd be happy your grandparents or teacher reading it then put it in text.

I hope she's got the message. It's a scary world out there :(

OP posts:
Original poster
MarioSisters · 04/11/2019 09:54

Just to update I've spoken to school and they are speaking to dd today to find out which girl it was and then will speak to her and look into it, teacher saw great and said hopefully its just naiivity and her knowing more than she should but I saw right to speak to them as it could be more.

OP posts:
Original poster
MarioSisters · 04/11/2019 10:02

Was *

OP posts:
Sagradafamiliar · 04/11/2019 10:08

What are you going to do though? Are you leaving it with the school?

LolaLollypop · 04/11/2019 10:12

That does NOT sound like an 11 year old messaging her. I'd notify the relevant people straight away.

fudgecakelova11122 · 04/11/2019 10:14

God that is scary. Farm I reckon.

autumn2203 · 04/11/2019 10:16

Nope, I have an eleven year and no way would I find that natural, normal or exploratory. I think you may find it is an older sibling using your dd's friend phone to message her. The words she uses are not words most children would even know, much less use.

I would be very concerned my dd was being groomed.

Alert the school, take your child off SM for the time being, and have a long chat about boundaries online and staying safe.

Original poster
MarioSisters · 04/11/2019 10:19

what are you going to do though

I'm going to see what school have to say when they've spoken to the girl.
Dd doesn't have her phone at the moment but I've also blocked the girls number but saved all the messages. She doesn't have WhatsApp, this was through text and she doesn't have access to any other social media

The HOY seemed to take me seriously so hopefully they will get to the bottom of it

OP posts:
autumn2203 · 04/11/2019 10:43

You have done all you can for the moment. I hope the school can find out what is happening to the other girl. I would be very worried about her, if it is turns out she is the one sending the messages.

Your dd is very young still. Do you know the friends' parents? I think I would be calling them too if I knew them well and discussing the content of the messages in a very gentle way. If I was the girl's mother I would definitely want to know.

Original poster
MarioSisters · 04/11/2019 10:45

autumn2203 no I don't know the parents, I don't even know the girls last name, neither does my daughter.
Hopefully the head of year will speak to her today.

OP posts:
autumn2203 · 04/11/2019 10:51

Leave it with the school, and keep your child away from the other girl until you know what is happening. I would not be happy at all if this happened to my child! I am sure you are very unimpressed too.

No harm done exactly, but maybe a helpful early warning for your dd to be very careful in the future.

CakeAndCustardPlease · 04/11/2019 10:51

I agree with all PPs. I don’t think an 11 year old needs a phone personally... but that’s your choice. I would take it away just to keep her safe for a while, while she learns from you about appropriate communication, as this sounds incredibly concerning. I would also report.

CakeAndCustardPlease · 04/11/2019 10:52

Sorry crossed posts - sounds like you’re doing the right things

Sagradafamiliar · 04/11/2019 12:30

Hmm well I stand by my previous advice but at least you've told one institution rather than doing nothing, I suppose.

WellVersedInEtiquette · 04/11/2019 13:54

Tell your daughter this story about what happened to a girl in a friends ds's class. I was stunned when I found out. A 13 year old sent a video of herself naked below waist to a boy in her year. Teachers found and and apparently had to view it to discover which child it was. Then parents called in. Vid already been shared. That video could be floating around when the girl goes job hunting, has her own children etc and someone could see it years down the line. I was so shocked.

oreomum · 04/11/2019 16:05

Some boys in Ds year were sharing a nude selfie of a girl (from another local secondary school) a few years ago until one boy realised it was his sister. The sister had no clue that the pic had spread to other schools.

Original poster
MarioSisters · 04/11/2019 16:45

School have just called. They've spoken to the girl and also to her parents. They've looked through her phone and they are apparently horrified.
He said he's going to be working with the parents to figure out where this has come from and if shes been exposed to anything she shouldn't.

So, at least for dd, it's probably the best case scenario.
Thanks for all your help

OP posts:
PandaandCat · 04/11/2019 16:59

That's good school have acted and hopefully its been caught quickly enough. Hope she hasn't already been exposed to any abuse but at least her parents and school are now aware. Well done for reporting it.

Original poster
MarioSisters · 04/11/2019 17:02

Thanks, I'm really impressed with how quickly the head of year has dealt with it. Sounds like there's more to what she's sent people too or what she's got on her phone but obviously he couldn't give me any details.

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 04/11/2019 17:03

Thanks for the update. Clearly you did entirely the right thing both for your DD and also to protect this other girl, who may have been being groomed if there's all this crap on her phone. So congratulations.

churchandstate · 04/11/2019 17:09

I’m glad someone is dealing with this. Smartphones for 11 year olds are a disastrous idea. Perhaps it’s time to rethink the decision to let her have one, because she clearly doesn’t know how to manage it.

isitxmasyet · 04/11/2019 17:09

Hope your DD is ok
What a horrible way to learn about sex

These poor kids navigating porn and internet access when it’s all so commonplace and normalised.

Original poster
MarioSisters · 04/11/2019 17:12

churchandstate

She would have received the same messages had it just been a standard phone?

OP posts: