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Original poster

Dd11 inappropriate messages?

161 replies

MarioSisters · 01/11/2019 17:28

Well maybe they're not inappropriate which is why I'm asking on here.

I took her phone off her earlier as she had been on it long enough and a message from her friend (friend from school, I don't know her though) which started with the words pussy, so I looked at the texts. Oh my god.

OK I know they get interested in sex etc and wondering what it is. But this girl was basically encouraging dd to masturbate, use objects, telling her to watch porn hub. When dd asked what porn is, her friend said its another word for sex. There were more messages but I don't want to go into detail as you don't know who reads these.

I was shocked and checked her group class messages etc and it does seem this girl is definitely in my daughters class and not some random person on the Internet.

I really don't think I'm being a prude, but welcome to be told its normal exploration etc. I just feel horrified, this isn't how I want dd to explore sexuality and sex.

Also they did suggest sending pics to each other soon. And I have so so many times told dd that things sent are out there forever but apparently that didn't sink in.

Don't get me wrong, although this girl is obviously much more knowledgeable than dd, dd was more than happy being led into the discussion and descriptive herself.

Am I being unreasonable? Is this normal? Shall I buy a farm and live off the land with no communication with the world?

OP posts:
Original poster
MarioSisters · 04/11/2019 18:16

She's fine. She's resilient and the school is amazing with bullying. To it may be right but I don't think this is the case as she was on a video call with the girl not long before the messages. And head of year seemed to suggest there had been lots of things on her phone.

Any way regardless, its happened and any consequences will be dealt with.

OP posts:
churchandstate · 04/11/2019 18:20

Wow. She must be made of titanium if the idea of people in her year knowing her sexual thoughts at 11 doesn’t worry you more than this. Anyway, best of luck to her. Poor kid.

Original poster
MarioSisters · 04/11/2019 18:24

What exactly would you have me do?
She currently has no phone...
When she does it will only be allowed downstairs...
School are involved...
Girls parents are involved...
There is nothing (besides a stranger on mums net suggestion) that there was anyone with the girl at the time...
If any problems arise from this then we will deal with them together but right now my daughter is happy

OP posts:
NearlyGranny · 04/11/2019 18:27

Remembering a sex ed specialist who sat weeping after a session with teen girls. They had all been exposed to porn and were bemused to discover that women could enjoy sex. It just wasn't an expectation for them.

Guessing it wouldn't have been for a group of boys, either.

Think of that.

Wonkydonkey44 · 04/11/2019 18:28

Omg I would have died if I’d read those on my 11 year old daughters phone .
Internet is such a scary place..... glad the school are taking a strong stance on this .

Original poster
MarioSisters · 04/11/2019 18:31

I know, it was horrible. Dd can't access Web browser on her phone and can only get apps that I approve. Shocked at the knowledge of another 11 year old. Let's hope she only has that knowledge because of lax Internet settings at home and nothing more sinister

OP posts:
Turt · 04/11/2019 18:33

@MarioSisters I am so glad there wasn't a sinister end to this post. You've done absolutely the right thing and handled this well. I don't think there's any need to punish your daughter but more just to make her aware of what's right and wrong for people to ask her to do. All the best to you and your little lady!

EmeraldShamrock · 04/11/2019 18:34

Jez OP she is so young. Sad

Original poster
MarioSisters · 04/11/2019 18:36

Thanks turt I've explained (in depth) all the number of ways this could have been awful for her. She seems to understand and and has had a talk with her head of year today also

OP posts:
churchandstate · 04/11/2019 18:37

It’s not that I would have you do anything, specifically. But in your shoes I would be taking firmer action and removing the phone permanently. I think your DD has been placed at risk by the decision to give her a phone at 11. I know that probably isn’t what anyone wants to hear, but I think it’s true.

isitxmasyet · 04/11/2019 18:56

@churchandstate I agree with you

No one wants to be the parent that says No and we read all the time on here the fear that their kids won’t be liked or have friends if they can’t be on SoMe etc but it’s a huge risk that it exposes kids to all manner of pictures information and film that they don’t have the maturity to deal with

There are many things on the internet that would shock me and keep me awake at night but I know how to avoid seeing them.

We allow our kids to have access to devices that open up whole world of vile that we can’t and don’t police and them wonder why they are damaged teenagers.

Original poster
MarioSisters · 04/11/2019 19:01

isitxmasyet

I have no problem at all saying no. That's why she doesn't have Instagram, tiktok, Facebook, WhatsApp unlike loads of her friends she thinks I'm cruel for only letting her have a smart phone and text and not all the other messaging apps her friends have.

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 04/11/2019 19:02

That's why I think it's very important to talk in some depth to our DC about sex, NearlyGranny. Quite young kids need to know what healthy sex is like. Not in terms of techniques (obviously!) but the feelings.

I was really lucky in that my son came to me at around that age very disturbed by the porn he'd been shown, which gave me the chance to talk to him. I explained that of course sex was exciting but it was also a mixture of fun and romantic and cuddly. I said porn was very stern and kinda heavy, whereas in a good relationship you might laugh or even get the giggles. You and your partner should feel safe and relaxed with each other.

I very much hope that I set him up with a healthy positive view. I know he treats his girlfriends very well.

Original poster
MarioSisters · 04/11/2019 19:04

prawn I think that's an excellent way of talking about it to a preteen /young teen

OP posts:
churchandstate · 04/11/2019 19:10

isitxmasyet

Totally. Remove the fear of the child standing out to their peers, and how many parents would genuinely believe it was a good idea for an 11 year old to have instant messenger access to people to whom she can’t attach a surname?

How is an 11 year old supposed to know what she should and shouldn’t reveal about herself?

What understanding is an 11 year old really going to have of ‘forever’ (the length of time her revelations about herself might now exist online)?

How is an 11 year old supposed to withstand peer pressure to get involved in inappropriate conversations, or even know what is inappropriate and what isn’t, given that her mother had to ask MN whether these messages were inappropriate?

What a mess.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 04/11/2019 19:10

Thanks, Mario. The poor kid was so relieved to be told he didn't have to do the nasty things he'd seen when he grew up.

Original poster
MarioSisters · 04/11/2019 19:14

Question was are these messages inappropriate considering my dd has no where near this knowledge so is it normal that other kids actually know this stuff

Not

please tell me how awful a parent I am in endangering my child in a way no other parents do

Excellent, helpful and kind contributions.

OP posts:
churchandstate · 04/11/2019 19:22

Sorry I didn’t reply as you hoped, then, OP.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 04/11/2019 19:25

churchandstate and isitxmasyet, sadly not giving your child a phone does not immunise them from harmful online content. There will always be some kid who has access and who's only too happy to share. Bit like nits.

Regarding this current situation I think OP has dealt with it admirably, as has the school. I imagine her DD feels very supported.

churchandstate · 04/11/2019 19:28

There will always be some kid who has access and who's only too happy to share. Bit like nits.

Yes, of course, there will be some children whose parents don’t understand what is age-appropriate. That doesn’t mean I have to be one of them. I will do my best to protect my children regardless.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 04/11/2019 19:33

Don't worry about it, Mario. I have a mental image of your pair of critics in their curlers and headscarves, wrinkled stockings and bedroom slippers, leaning over the fence as they run down "Her at number 26 and that brat of hers".

At least those Coronation Street archetypes had the courtesy to do it behind your back.

churchandstate · 04/11/2019 19:35

Prawnofthepatriarchy

Hmm This isn’t very funny to me. It’s really sad.

Original poster
MarioSisters · 04/11/2019 19:37

Haha prawn thank you. I have had very low confidence all my life and although I now trust my instincts with babies and toddlers, high school is a whole new ball game!

I wasn't happy at all with those messages, I wanted to make sure I wasn't just been ott and that it warrented action.

I don't think it's unusual at all for 11yo to have a phone, in fact where I am it's more unusual for them not to have all the latest social media accounts,which, as I've said dd doesn't have.

Obviously there's a risk, but there's also a risk of letting them go out with no way of contacting you. It's about weighing up what's right and wrong in your opinion, for your family

OP posts:
churchandstate · 04/11/2019 19:39

It’s not unusual at all, OP. The average age for pre-teens receiving their first phone is 10. Doesn’t make it right or safe.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 04/11/2019 19:40

You misunderstood me. I wasn't saying you were amusing (though the mental image was). I was saying you were being unpleasant and self-righteous.