Dd11 inappropriate messages?

[MarioSisters]

Well maybe they're not inappropriate which is why I'm asking on here.

I took her phone off her earlier as she had been on it long enough and a message from her friend (friend from school, I don't know her though) which started with the words pussy, so I looked at the texts. Oh my god.

OK I know they get interested in sex etc and wondering what it is. But this girl was basically encouraging dd to masturbate, use objects, telling her to watch porn hub. When dd asked what porn is, her friend said its another word for sex. There were more messages but I don't want to go into detail as you don't know who reads these.

I was shocked and checked her group class messages etc and it does seem this girl is definitely in my daughters class and not some random person on the Internet.

I really don't think I'm being a prude, but welcome to be told its normal exploration etc. I just feel horrified, this isn't how I want dd to explore sexuality and sex.

Also they did suggest sending pics to each other soon. And I have so so many times told dd that things sent are out there forever but apparently that didn't sink in.

Don't get me wrong, although this girl is obviously much more knowledgeable than dd, dd was more than happy being led into the discussion and descriptive herself.

Am I being unreasonable? Is this normal? Shall I buy a farm and live off the land with no communication with the world?

Audrina there are reasons there is legislation for sexting involving children.

OP, reporting to police will: protect both children and verify that this is indeed a child, not an adult texting your DD.

I actually think that you should have a conversation with your daughter about how to deal with social media. To be honest you should have had it before you gave her a phone.
Even sending an indecent picture could land her in so much trouble.

I would speak to the school and obviously name the other child. She is clearly very sexualised for a 12 year old and as others have said is a red flag in itself. The school may be aware of something already or perhaps the child is know to children's services.

Wildorchidz
I've had so so many conversations on Internet safety, so many. She has just clearly taken no notice

Sorry that was for chocaholoc

wildorchidz I've no idea who most of the kids in her school are. They're are 200 in her year and she's only been there 2 months

Yes it's definitely worth mentioning to school, but you're the one who needs to take the lead, not school, as you're the parent.

Poor kids nowadays don't seem to have any privacy. I was certainly discussing these kind of things with friends at her age. There was always a girl who claimed to know all the details and would enlighten the rest of us. And I would have been horrified if my mother had got to know about it.

Did you have a smartphone? Were you able to access explicit hard core pornography sites? Were you groomed? Were you asked to send naked pictures of yourself to people you didn’t know? Were you blackmailed because you sent pictures? Were you bullied to the point of becoming suicidal?

These are situations that 11 year olds with unsupervised access to smartphones are dealing with every day.

Apparently the age most teens are first exposed to porn is 11-13 (presumably because that’s when they first get phones) so in that instance it’s ‘normal’. But it shouldn’t be. Porn Hub isn’t sex it’s horribly abusive.

I think I would be having a strong conversation about sex and masturbation, make sure she knows it’s normal but that sex she can find on the internet might be intriguing but it’s horrible. I also think a conversation with the safeguarding officer at school would be good.

I don’t think it’s abnormal to not know instantly the names of all kids in a year at secondary school - the one I want my boys to go to has 270 people in every year!

She has just clearly taken no notice

You’re not the first and won’t be the last person who completely trusted their child to follow the rules. At least now you know that she is too young and immature to keep herself safe and you can take control back.

OP has your dd just had Sex Ed at school?

As adults we are aware that children say things they have no intention or not ready to do, however they do these to “fit in”

What they are talking about isn’t abnormal however it also isn’t normal at this age, curiosity yes, inserting things into themselves absolutely not.

My DS was 11 when we found porn on his iPad, he didn’t hide the fact he was curious... he just had Sex Ed that week so it opened lots of questions.

We had a Q&A session with him, made it fun but insightful and he asked some pretty hilarious questions.

One of my concerns is the peer pressure your dd is being exposed to, you need to sit down and have a chat about this and promptly.

My absolute concern of this is the terminology being used (pussy) this isn’t 11 year old terminology, also that a child is insinuating your dd to use objects, you need to report this to the school immediately.

I would be very concerned. Going to the school on Monday is a good plan. I think I might ring the police non-emergency number too, as the other girl may be being abused or perhaps not a girl at all.

DS2 was exposed to some really nasty porn at the same age by another boy. The other boy's mum was extremely promiscuous and the poor child had become quite disturbed. DS2 was very distressed by what he'd seen but I was able to reassure him.

So the other girl may need help and telling the school/police may provide this.

Thanks everyone. I'll have a talk with her and will also speak to school.

So far from normal @MarioSisters... so very far!
If this was DD I would screen shot as much as I could and take to the safeguarding lead at school.

I would say it is horribly normal, after the experiences I have recently had with DS11. I was blissfully unaware of how exposed young children are to this until recently.

So. He had a couple of new friends one 10, one 9, round last week. They got bickering. The 9yo donked DS round the head and DS booted him in the shin. That's not cool as it is, but not unheard of for boys of that age. The 10yo then started shouting "pah, pussys kick, you're a pussy, don't slap him round the head faggot" at which point I went running in from the kitchen and the play date was most certainly over. They won't be returning.

He then has been searching Google for "dildo" on the home computer after his fellow 11yo school bus passengers have shown him all-sorts on their phones on the bus. This is why he doesn't have a phone. I've seen notes in his bag from other children, mentioning "anal" "fat vagina" "big cock" which it's kind of clear they don't really know what they're talking about (thank god) there are a good number of them involved. And that's just the ones I can prove.

It's frankly horrifying. I went off the chart when I found those notes. DS was perplexed at my reaction..."what's the problem, it's what everyone talks about, why am I in trouble for it".

Until he started at this bigger school this September, I would have sworn blind that 11yo children would never be discussing anything like this. How naive I was.

I'd sadly say there was every chance this message is from an 11yo.

It's not weird that 11-12 year olds know what porn is. They should know that looking for naked people having sex on the internet isn't ok and that schools can see what the kids look at online (while at school) and abusing internet privileges leads to a loss of rights to go online at school. (Home/School a Internet agreements)

It's not unusual for some y7 to try and sound streetwise and use sexually explicit words. It's not unusual for some to watch porn as they can use 4g and there's no technical way to prevent all porn sites. I know from experience that some parents don't care about filters or think that their kids aren't viewing it.

I would confiscate her phone for a while. She should know from you and school that sending pics of her house and promising pics of herself was wildly unacceptable. Does she know it's a police matter if she actually sent the pic?

www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/keeping-children-safe/sexting/

Would she be ok with teachers, her parents, the whole school seeing such a pic?

courtney my gut feeling especially after reading other messages between friends in the group chats. I'll still be speaking to school though I think as theres every chance this girl is being exposed to things she shouldnt be

Poor kids nowadays don't seem to have any privacy. I was certainly discussing these kind of things with friends at her age. There was always a girl who claimed to know all the details and would enlighten the rest of us. And I would have been horrified if my mother had got to know about it.

You'd be ok with your child sending explicit nudes to someone else and receiving them?
Photos and texts are in existence forever and have the ability to shame someone. When the current generation want to run the country or whatever, their texts could haunt them.
I am lucky that my drunken/embarrassing teens and 20s aren't documented in photos and videos.

OP my DD is 13 and currently is most definitely not having these conversations with her friends as I regularly see her phone and messages. However, in my line of work I can tell you that it most definitely is happening A LOT! Girls are posting their body all over the internet, pouting and posing with those bloody awful filters and they know to do it on snapchat where the messages don't save. Boys are sending pics of their immature parts too. I've dealt with a bus full of kids that received a pic by airdrop of a naked boy and honestly some of the messages I've seen are genuinely horrifying. These kids are accessing porn and thinking that's the way they need to speak and behave without truly understanding the meaning of their words.

You absolutely do need to report this to the school and I would expect them to report it to the police even if you don't. However even more important is that you take the opportunity to reiterate all the safety advice to your daughter and also monitor her phone access much more for the foreseeable future. It's actually not a problem I think for your daughter to ask normal questions and be curious about her own body but the sharing of information is the scary part.

I always tell my children their messages could be posted on the town noticedboard and the walls at school for everyone to see. Are they happy to see their most private thoughts and images up on the wall? If not don't send it. Because kids fall out on a whim and the friend of yesterday is the enemy of today.

Sorry you're dealing with this OP but I hope you are able to take this as an opportunity (as best you can) to teach her. Good luck

Thank you :) yes I think she's so naive and doesn't believe that best friends would ever do something like that to each other, but she needs to understand that it can and does happen

It's definitely not normal. I'd be very suspicious and am inclined to think this isn't a young girl.

I've sent an email to school so they should get that when they're in on Monday, asking for someone to contact me.

Will speak to dd soon, I've just been getting some info from nspcc website to hopefully help get realise the consequences things can have

Report to the safeguarding officer at the school and seek their advice. They should be able to ascertain whether this is the girl or someone using her phone and also give guidance over next steps- I.e. whether it is a police or social services matter. Then have the conversation with your daughter about social media, sexting etc. You're doing the right thing by checking her phone and the best thing is to encourage a culture of openness with her where she knows to speak to you about things which make her uncomfortable

It could be a parent or older brother using her account. Report.

It is also a big red flag for abuse.

Its not that she knows about sex at 11, its the language this other girl is using. Using objects? Pussy? How the f did she even find out about porn hub?! ALL of these things need investigating

Unless its not your daughters friend thats messaging. Honestly id take her phone away for a while

Kids are exposed to so much online now. They watch tv shows and also instagram etc. It’s scary. The amount of stuff that goes past schools safeguarding is SCARY these days. As a teacher I report something alMost daily just from overhearing kids chat in class/corridors etc.