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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd11 inappropriate messages?

161 replies

MarioSisters · 01/11/2019 17:28

Well maybe they're not inappropriate which is why I'm asking on here.

I took her phone off her earlier as she had been on it long enough and a message from her friend (friend from school, I don't know her though) which started with the words pussy, so I looked at the texts. Oh my god.

OK I know they get interested in sex etc and wondering what it is. But this girl was basically encouraging dd to masturbate, use objects, telling her to watch porn hub. When dd asked what porn is, her friend said its another word for sex. There were more messages but I don't want to go into detail as you don't know who reads these.

I was shocked and checked her group class messages etc and it does seem this girl is definitely in my daughters class and not some random person on the Internet.

I really don't think I'm being a prude, but welcome to be told its normal exploration etc. I just feel horrified, this isn't how I want dd to explore sexuality and sex.

Also they did suggest sending pics to each other soon. And I have so so many times told dd that things sent are out there forever but apparently that didn't sink in.

Don't get me wrong, although this girl is obviously much more knowledgeable than dd, dd was more than happy being led into the discussion and descriptive herself.

Am I being unreasonable? Is this normal? Shall I buy a farm and live off the land with no communication with the world?

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 01/11/2019 17:54

Dd gave her address and ss a pic of our house from Google maps

I would be very concerned about this ^ and think that makes it even more likely to be someone other than the girl.

If it were the girl, she would be able to see DD at school and ask where she lives - why do all this over text?

Randomname85 · 01/11/2019 17:54

Dd gave her address and ss a pic of our house from Google maps

Wtf????? I’d be VERY concerned at this point!

FloraFoxton · 01/11/2019 17:55

Did she? Why would she do that to a friend? I'm rather puzzled by this whole post. Is it your first one OP or did you name change?

Just seems rather ... explicit ...

Original poster
MarioSisters · 01/11/2019 17:55

There are other friends on group chat talking with this girl, and talking about school things too, so I'm leaning towards thinking it is her school friend. However I'm not naive and know it may not be the case.

I haven't spoken to dd yet I'm waiting till I can be ruled by reason rather than emotion

OP posts:
eddiemairswife · 01/11/2019 17:56

Oh dear. Poor kids nowadays don't seem to have any privacy. I was certainly discussing these kind of things with friends at her age. There was always a girl who claimed to know all the details and would enlighten the rest of us. And I would have been horrified if my mother had got to know about it.

Sagradafamiliar · 01/11/2019 17:57

So what do you plan on doing? Police, I hope. At least that way it would also flag safeguarding concerns for the other girl and be a lesson for your DD in keeping herself safe.

Original poster
MarioSisters · 01/11/2019 17:58

Oh do you know what @fionafloxton I almost didn't post this because I was worried about someone thinking this, because I've seen it before. I've name changed, because it's not really something I want linking to my usual names.

Feel free to report my post and mnhq will confirm I've been on here for years

OP posts:
Interestedwoman · 01/11/2019 17:59

' I was certainly discussing these kind of things with friends at her age.'

Really? I know I had quite a sheltered childhood, but we didn't talk about experimenting with inserting things!

FloraFoxton · 01/11/2019 18:00

Apologies then for doubting you

But it's absolutely not normal. I'd have her phone off her for starters. My 12 year old has some kids in his class who talk like this - but not as explicit. He has his phone on the understanding he never talks like this and he shows me anything troubling. And he knows I will check his phone at any moment. I don't tend to as he's proving he can be trusted

Original poster
MarioSisters · 01/11/2019 18:00

eddiemairswife
This is why I was wondering if I was overreacting.

There's people saying it's nothing we weren't talking about at that age, then others saying contact the police!!!

OP posts:
icecreamsundae32 · 01/11/2019 18:01

I'd block the number from your dd phone. Perhaps also ring it from a withheld number and see if whoever answers sounds like a 12yo girl? Def screenshot all the msgs as evidence tho.

iklboo · 01/11/2019 18:01

I was certainly discussing these kind of things with friends at her age.'

I definitely wasn't talking about masturbation, porn and inserting objects at 11.

PandaandCat · 01/11/2019 18:01

Flora I did report the post to MN as I wasn't sure if it was a very naive Mum or someone with malicious intent - they told me they are looking at it and presumably will take it down if they've got concerns.

Either way no-one knows who reads these threads so would not include any details re children.

I would also let police know as she's given her address and also if she's ever home alone you need to think about that. Tell her not to answer door, call 999 if a problem though ideally make sure she isn't alone for a while.

FloraFoxton · 01/11/2019 18:01

No need for police. Just remove her phone and tell her that you'll decide when she can have it and that you'll be checking it. I'd inform the school if the messages are that bad.

FloraFoxton · 01/11/2019 18:02

@PandaandCat it's certainly naive!

MyGoodTimes · 01/11/2019 18:03

Contact the school ASAP. You need to teach your DD again about internet safety. Even if this is a school friend, it could be someone else posing as the girl online. That's how grooming happens online. Restrict access to internet and put stricter parental controls in place. Remove phone at night time. Your DD may need to distance herself from this girl and make other friends. It can happen to anyone, don't beat yourself up about it. Flowers

cheninblanc · 01/11/2019 18:03

Not a prude and not overacting. How would an 11 year old even know about porn sites? Why isn't her internet access controlled at home? Definitely raise this and no more messages between her and your daughter..

Sagradafamiliar · 01/11/2019 18:04

No need for police

Even though OP's DD is under 12. According to the SO Act 2003 she cannot consent to this exchange and is being inciting to engage in sexual activity, which is illegal.

There is talk of intent to exchange photos as well, which is illegal.

LonginesPrime · 01/11/2019 18:04

I was certainly discussing these kind of things with friends at her age

eddiemairswife you were encouraging other girls to insert objects into themselves?

Sagradafamiliar · 01/11/2019 18:04

Incited*

Original poster
MarioSisters · 01/11/2019 18:05

Well she wasn't encouraging her to insert things as such (didn't want to give many details as, and as proven, people might think I'm a perv.

But she was saying she had tried to use her mums vibrator, when dd asked what that was she sent a pic (Google image of them not her own pic)
Dd showed a pic of a lipgloss Wand asked if that would work if she cleaned it, at least one positive was that friend told her no because it would hurt)

Sorry I really am trying not to say anything too much, and definitely don't want anyones experiences or anything. I promise I'm a mumsnet regular.

OP posts:
Scarlett555 · 01/11/2019 18:06

My first thought is this is an adult using the girl's name or if it is really the girl then she has very likely been abused. Very suspicious. If sounds way more graphic than normal 11 year old chat.

MysweetAudrina · 01/11/2019 18:08

My dd11 talks about stuff like this with her friends. I know because she tells me. I don't think I would be involving the police because of a private conversation between 2 eleven year olds.

Wildorchidz · 01/11/2019 18:10

I was shocked and checked her group class messages etc and it does seem this girl is definitely in my daughters class and not some random person on the Internet.

Do you have full oversight of who your 11 year old is chatting to online? The very fact that you didn’t immediately know that the other child was in her class is lax and that the possibility it was some randomer.

Original poster
MarioSisters · 01/11/2019 18:10

Sagradafamiliar Tjank you for that! I will look up on the legalities, at least that gives me extra grounds to take it further. I will be contacting school on Monday and see where to take it from there.

Will definitely be stricter with phone access and Internet.

I know the details aren't great to be sharing, which is why I name changed so no one can figure out its me /dd
But I needed some advice and I'm very very glad I did because I don't think id have realised how seriously I should take this.

OP posts: