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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd11 inappropriate messages?

161 replies

MarioSisters · 01/11/2019 17:28

Well maybe they're not inappropriate which is why I'm asking on here.

I took her phone off her earlier as she had been on it long enough and a message from her friend (friend from school, I don't know her though) which started with the words pussy, so I looked at the texts. Oh my god.

OK I know they get interested in sex etc and wondering what it is. But this girl was basically encouraging dd to masturbate, use objects, telling her to watch porn hub. When dd asked what porn is, her friend said its another word for sex. There were more messages but I don't want to go into detail as you don't know who reads these.

I was shocked and checked her group class messages etc and it does seem this girl is definitely in my daughters class and not some random person on the Internet.

I really don't think I'm being a prude, but welcome to be told its normal exploration etc. I just feel horrified, this isn't how I want dd to explore sexuality and sex.

Also they did suggest sending pics to each other soon. And I have so so many times told dd that things sent are out there forever but apparently that didn't sink in.

Don't get me wrong, although this girl is obviously much more knowledgeable than dd, dd was more than happy being led into the discussion and descriptive herself.

Am I being unreasonable? Is this normal? Shall I buy a farm and live off the land with no communication with the world?

OP posts:
churchandstate · 04/11/2019 17:13

In my opinion it’s not necessary for 11 year olds to be on group chats messaging each other without adult supervision. Your daughter, your decision, but this is a situation that went horribly wrong pretty quickly, and was totally unnecessary.

Whatisthisfuckery · 04/11/2019 17:21

Well done MarioSisters. You’ve absolutely done the right thing. I would definitely want to know if my y7 DS was sending and receiving text messages like that.

I actually took DS’ smartphone off him because he couldn’t be trusted with it. He now has the Nokia of shame and will do for the foreseeable future. His attitude and behaviour has improved immeasurably since having it removed.

LuckyAmy1986 · 04/11/2019 17:21

@churchandstate completely agree. Far too young in my opinion.

Original poster
MarioSisters · 04/11/2019 17:22

Yes I'm considering the Nokia of shame Grin

OP posts:
churchandstate · 04/11/2019 17:24

Nokia is a great idea, but not as a punishment, just in recognition that you made a mistake, exposing her too early to people in all their strangeness.

Original poster
MarioSisters · 04/11/2019 17:26

I don't think I made a mistake but thanks for your opinion

OP posts:
churchandstate · 04/11/2019 17:27

Welcome.

Sagradafamiliar · 04/11/2019 17:29

Well I'm flabbergasted that teachers had to view a video of a child's genitals in order to identify her, viewing pornographic material of minors is illegal. That was a police matter.

Wildorchidz · 04/11/2019 17:34

A 13 year old sent a video of herself naked below waist to a boy in her year. Teachers found and and apparently had to view it to discover which child it was.

What?? That makes no sense.

MaggieMcSplash · 04/11/2019 17:38

Speak to your daughter one to one re the messages and what's going on. Also speak with the school safeguarding lead. This is not age appropriate and I'd be very concerned. I don't know why an 11 year old would be familiar with sex toys and porn. It could be that her internet usage smart phone use etc is not being monitored and she's watching stuff she shouldn't or talking to people she shouldn't so is copying. Whatever the reason it needs to be brought to the parents attention. Best done one to one via the safeguarding lead don't speak to the 11 year old or their family direct. Let it all be done through the school that way your daughter can remain anonymous if that's what you want.

Original poster
MarioSisters · 04/11/2019 17:40

maggie I've updated the thread, I've spoken to school and they've spoken to her and her parents and are dealing with it. Thankfully they were very quick and took me very seriously

OP posts:
churchandstate · 04/11/2019 17:41

There must come a point as a teacher where you put your head in your hands and weep.

MaggieMcSplash · 04/11/2019 17:44

Like other posters there is a possibility that it's not this girl and she's talking to someone else either way it needs to be looked into. You could even report to police if you wish they do record these incidents and would look into any risks of child sexual exploitation.

justasking111 · 04/11/2019 17:45

Wonder if mumsnet keeps the Nokia phone going?

This is awful I hope it is all sorted out quickly OP.

MaggieMcSplash · 04/11/2019 17:45

Amazing sorry for not reading further along the thread. Trying to multitask with the kids. I'm glad they took it seriously. What a worry for you though. 🤦‍♀️ x

Lhastingsmua · 04/11/2019 17:48

As someone that’s about 10 years set than your daughter, people her age definitely speak about sex. At least when I was on school, but not to the extent of exchanging nudes or encouraging each other to watch porn. It was more of a borderline of curiosity and also still being grossed out rather than anything else.

Lhastingsmua · 04/11/2019 17:49

10 years older*

Original poster
MarioSisters · 04/11/2019 17:52

Yes that's what dds contribution was. She was definitely intrigued by what she was being told but it was age appropriate comments whereas knowing about pornhub and sex toys and being as descriptive as this girl was, is quite worrying. I'm just glad I checked her phone when I did.

OP posts:
churchandstate · 04/11/2019 17:52

It’s normal for 11 year olds to talk about sex, as in, what is sex, do they know anyone who has done anything sexual, etc. It isn’t normal for 11 year olds to watch or suggest to others that they watch porn. It’s normal for 11 year olds to experiment with masturbation. It isn’t normal for them to use sex toys.

The problem with messages is that they stay there. This girl may well be sitting there with a gang of other girls egging her on, laughing at the OP’s DD for admitting in writing that she is curious about inserting objects into herself. That is a far more likely scenario than an unknown adult pretending to be the classmate. And for the OP’s DD, this could be a nightmare just about to begin.

mamandematribu · 04/11/2019 17:53

Report it to the school. This is not normal behaviour from an 11 year old girl.

Lhastingsmua · 04/11/2019 18:00

Yes, the messages sent to your daughter weren’t normal - you absolutely did the right thing and stepped in at the right time to protect her.

Looking back, when I was her age, girls in my year who were similarly explicit had other issues going on at home etc. Or they ended up being sexually active much too early to people older than us, it’s not healthy behaviour.

leomama81 · 04/11/2019 18:05

It's also particularly odd coming from a girl who your DD doesn't know well enough to know her surname. Talk about sex/experimentation at that age is usually with close friends. The idea of porn being another word for sex is also quite worrying. You've definitely done the right thing OP!

churchandstate · 04/11/2019 18:07

Was this during half-term, OP? I would put money on it turning out that this was three or four girls at a sleepover.

Original poster
MarioSisters · 04/11/2019 18:10

Yes it was during half term. Well if it was more than one girl all the better it's been reported now.

OP posts:
churchandstate · 04/11/2019 18:12

I think that’s how it will go. Content like that is far more likely when a group gets together. But if that is the the case, the concern has to be how this will develop with your DD, now she has revealed such personal information online. Is she prepared for this to be all round school?