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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wanting to time-limit visits from family?

136 replies

Cloudyyy · 01/11/2019 17:03

Context: family live 2 hour drive away and for many reasons, prefer to visit us. They don’t appreciate our young children in their home and don’t like cooking for us. When we do visit then, we usually stay in hotels nearby and “pop” in. When they causing us, they insist on staying at ours because they can’t find anything suitable for them (they have a very long list of requirements) and moan about absolutely everywhere they’ve ever stayed. It’s stressful having them here because their lifestyle is so at odds with ours. For example, they get up late and stay up eating big dinners into the night. We hate this and are early morning people - as are the kids. They comment on everything in a negative way and I find it thoroughly exhausting having them here. They expect lavish meals throughout the day, sit indoors for hours on end and cannot sense when they’ve overstayed their welcome and it’s time to go.

Dilemma: We’re having a family celebration on a Saturday in November and they want to stay at our place. I’ve told them that they’re welcome to stay Friday/ Saturday but we’re in work Monday morning so they’ll have to go Sunday morning. They want to travel him on the Monday because it’ll be “too exhausting” going the Sunday so they’re now expecting a big roast on the Sunday too. I have explained we’re in work but apparently that doesn’t matter because it’s family so time with them IS relaxing 😬.

Would I be unreasonable to insist on a hotel Sunday night for them?? Is that rude? Or are they rude expecting to stay on a work and school night?

OP posts:
QueenofallIsee · 01/11/2019 17:05

They sound god awful and pushy. Stand your ground and say no

AutumnRose1 · 01/11/2019 17:06

I wouldn’t have them stay at all

I think they “prefer” to stay at yours because they think you will run around after them. Stop. They are being horrible.

happytoday73 · 01/11/2019 17:08

You don't need to insist on a Sunday night Hotel... What you insist on is they are gone by 11am Sunday.

Any push back... You have things to do with kids, housework and prep for working week. Rinse and repeat.

ColaFreezePop · 01/11/2019 17:09

You need to make it from now on so there is no room for the fussy family members to stay. Are there any elderly less fussy people or others who are less fussy with young children coming who could stay instead?

Jimmers · 01/11/2019 17:09

“No, that doesn’t work for us. You are welcome to stay on Fri/Sat, but will need to leave by 12noon on Sunday”
Keep repeating. Good luck!

Original poster
Cloudyyy · 01/11/2019 17:19

Yes they are pushy - extremely pushy!! Last time they were here, they managed to eek out the whole of the Sunday with “well
We’ll just have one more round of coffee before we go thanks” and kept sitting there, not moving! Eventually they announced they wanted a takeaway before they left and asked me to show them some local places on my phone, which they looked at and added food to an order on my phone and passed it back to me to pay! I said “wow that’s £45 worth of takeaway for the two of you!” They just said “oh right yes it’s expensive by you, it’s probably not even any nicer” and carried on their conversation expecting me to pay. They left all their dirty takeaway papers on the floor and got up and left after that.

OP posts:
AutumnRose1 · 01/11/2019 17:20

Why in the name of everything are you putting up with this?

Fatshedra · 01/11/2019 17:22

Go out and leave them there hungry.
Get a plan in place.

Original poster
Cloudyyy · 01/11/2019 17:23

I know - just to keep the peace in the family really... I find them very draining to be honest.

OP posts:
tillytrotter1 · 01/11/2019 17:24

They want a Sunday roast, point them towards the pub! I love these stories, make me feel like a brilliant parent/inlaw.

SuperFurryDoggy · 01/11/2019 17:28

I get very stressed when people over stay their welcome! I tend to give it a couple of hours then say something along the lines of “I’m sorry to be rude, but I need to catch up on my work/housework/decorating/etc now, but please finish your coffees before you go”. Then I either wall-up in my study or go upstairs and start folding laundry or whatever.

Your family sound particularly thick-skinned though, so perhaps this would be too subtle?

AutumnRose1 · 01/11/2019 17:28

When you say “keep the peace” do you mean everyone else does as they say?

Seriously, nothing is worth this.

Original poster
Cloudyyy · 01/11/2019 17:31

Yes I usually offer to have my cousin and her kids instead as that’s actually really enjoyable but they’re not coming this time so will end up with this pair! Anyway glad to read others would also say no to the Sunday night.

OP posts:
Iloveacurry · 01/11/2019 17:31

Who are these people?! Just say no, they can’t stay on this occasion, you’re decorating the room or something!

Original poster
Cloudyyy · 01/11/2019 17:34

It’s a tough one @AutumnRose1 and complicated, as so many families are I suppose. It’s my Dad and “Step-mother” (although she’s never been anything of the sort toward me) and I would hate to lose contact completely with my only living parent just because he’s a CF so I try and just get on with it... but it isn’t easy of course.

OP posts:
dreichsky · 01/11/2019 17:36

OP, honestly this is ridiculous.
Start saying no, a lot more.

If they insist on staying just get up and say, "Right we have to get on. So pack up when you are ready."
When they ask for coffee,
"Sorry, too busy to make you one. I'll have a white and no sugar "
Trying to book takeaway,
"Are you treating us, because we have spent our food budget and can't afford it"

These people are treating you badly because you allow them to, stop allowing them to.

PinkiOcelot · 01/11/2019 17:37

Who the fuck are these people?! I wouldn’t have them stay at all full stop!

Just stop making the expected roast or big meals. Just say no, from now in you’ll have to book a hotel/b&b etc. No!!

Oldraver · 01/11/2019 17:41

How does someone manage to run up a £40 ish takeway bill for two ? Why on earth did you pay ?

Manicpixiedreambitch · 01/11/2019 17:41

They're going to do it again, you know that. I have family who are inclined towards sitting about endlessly eating in to my time and I've become strict about when people have to leave.

onthecoins · 01/11/2019 17:44

When people outstay their welcome at mine I get into my pyjamas and start getting ready for bed. I've gone to bed with people still sat in my living room before.

If they're going to be rude to me I'll be rude right back.

Leeds2 · 01/11/2019 17:44

I would tell them to stay in the hotel for the whole of their stay. You know full well that whatever you agree with them, it will get to Sunday morning and they won't leave.
Where is the celebration? At someone's house, or a hotel? If the latter, tell them to book there.
And do not buy the ingredients for a Sunday roast!

Babynamechangerr · 01/11/2019 17:46

You are being a pushover. I would tell them you need to be somewhere for X and do you all need to leave by say 11am.

Ring him at 9.30 so he gets up and don't do the whole after this coffee thing. Start helping them with their bags at 10.45, then Just put your coats on at 11 and wait for them to go.

If you still can't get rid of them with those sort of tactics I think you'll just have to say they can't stay anymore as it's too much restrictive on family life.

dreichsky · 01/11/2019 17:47

Yes, also stop cooking for them.
Announce that you are having a health kick and eating salad and wraps.
If they are there to see you they won't care.

Original poster
Cloudyyy · 01/11/2019 17:51

It’s just a little party at my brother’s house very nearby, his baby’s birthday and a small family gathering so will be over by early evening! Hardly exhausting but no doubt they will want to drink wine and talk at us back at ours into the small ours whilst we lay on more and more food.. then they’ll want to sleep in very late and whinge when the kids get up for the day as per! Right I’m sending a text saying we’re very busy that weekend unfortunately and will hope to see them at the party! I’ll expect a call from them with five minuets 😂

OP posts:
Grumpelstilskin · 01/11/2019 17:56

Just say no to the entire stay. You don't have to put them up. I really do not get this martyr attitude. I had relatives and so-called friends take the piss shockingly who in turn never hosted us. My DH told me the same, stop being a door mat. Put your own family first. You could have cancelled that Takeaway order too by hanging up.