Wanting to time-limit visits from family?

[Cloudyyy]

Context: family live 2 hour drive away and for many reasons, prefer to visit us. They don’t appreciate our young children in their home and don’t like cooking for us. When we do visit then, we usually stay in hotels nearby and “pop” in. When they causing us, they insist on staying at ours because they can’t find anything suitable for them (they have a very long list of requirements) and moan about absolutely everywhere they’ve ever stayed. It’s stressful having them here because their lifestyle is so at odds with ours. For example, they get up late and stay up eating big dinners into the night. We hate this and are early morning people - as are the kids. They comment on everything in a negative way and I find it thoroughly exhausting having them here. They expect lavish meals throughout the day, sit indoors for hours on end and cannot sense when they’ve overstayed their welcome and it’s time to go.

Dilemma: We’re having a family celebration on a Saturday in November and they want to stay at our place. I’ve told them that they’re welcome to stay Friday/ Saturday but we’re in work Monday morning so they’ll have to go Sunday morning. They want to travel him on the Monday because it’ll be “too exhausting” going the Sunday so they’re now expecting a big roast on the Sunday too. I have explained we’re in work but apparently that doesn’t matter because it’s family so time with them IS relaxing 😬.

Would I be unreasonable to insist on a hotel Sunday night for them?? Is that rude? Or are they rude expecting to stay on a work and school night?

Gosh I’d be so tempted to breeze in at 6am with noisy children in tow and announcing that ‘we’re all going for a lovely long walk’. The late nights might then be dealt with by lots of yawning, donning of PJs and wandering around ostentatiously switching things off/locking up. I’d be getting beyond caring if it were rude. If they over-stayed on the Sunday, I’d say ‘sorry, got to get on with x, y, z’ and do so. Requests for coffee met with where to find the kitchen appliances!

Just because you want contact doesnt mean you have to expect being disrespected and used in this way. Why is it ok for them not to host you, but you host them? Why dont you put your foot down this time and tell them things have changed and no longer convenient. If they then give you hell over it, then you know where you stand!
Dont be forced into people treating you this way, for the sake of 'keeping the peace'.

You could also start not having booze in your house as your health kick includes no longer drinking at home.

I wouldn't have them stay at all. It's hard enough having people staying in your home even if they are pleasant and undemanding, let alone rude and ungrateful buggers who moan about everything and expect waiting on! What's stopping you saying no to them staying at all? If they can't find anywhere suitable that's their issue, not yours.

No way! Well done for saying no to them.

Glad you sending the message as if you let them stay, I am not sure you would get them to leave when you wanted, and they wouldn't leave until Monday. As for paying for that takeaway, start pleading poverty if they try that again. They will just keep pushing and pushing.

Two words. One of them is “off”. Nightmare.

Stand your ground! They sound entitled and annoying and will only ruin your Sunday even if you keep saying 11am as a deadline. Don't offer them the option of staying! If they don't like other options that's no concern of yours...

They sound frightful. This is not only your home, but your kids' home too. I doubt your children will be very welcome in their own home or have a very nice time if you are expected to ignore them to wait on your demanding and ungrateful guests. Not a reciprocal relationship in the slightest. See them at the party then wave goodbye with a happy heart!

Glad you sent the message

I’m not big on family in many ways, so I don’t consider the family factor a get out clause for shit behaviour.

I realise everyone’s different but with a two hour drive I’m surprised they don’t just want to go home.

Say you are meeting up with friends for brunch and just leave the house at 10am. Problem solved.

Did they call and crush your spirit?

If they did and you've agreed to let them stay then seriously use the vegan health kick environmental protection story. Make sure you have nothing in. It would be worth it. And good for the environment. All the telly watched should be worthy documentaries. Lecture them on protecting their health and the environment if they dare try to drink the devil's juice or bring dead animals into the house.

Being "family" is no excuse for shockingly poor behaviour. No decent parent would impose on their child that way.

YANBU!

You go, girl!! Tell them! Why can’t they stay with your brother?

“No, that doesn’t work for us. You are welcome to stay on Fri/Sat, but will need to leave by 12noon on Sunday”
Keep repeating. Good luck!

Do it, do it! My parents were like this, to the point of telling me they were coming down when my DH was on night shift, as was my db who lived nearby, but 5 hours from them. When I objected, I had the phone put down on me.Bearing in mind they were retired and we work full time, I figured we’d get to choose.

I think you need to be strong, OP and insist. Lots. Certainly stop paying for them and laying on food/wine etc. Offer to meet half way for lunch in future rather than them staying with you.

Hopefully you sent the text and you'll refuse them . It's not fair on you or your family.

Pthhhp, they wouldn't get their foot over my doorstep.
Are they really fat? They must be gigantic if they eat all that food.
Just say no.

If they are not prepared to put themselves out for you, then I really don’t see why you should be expected to put yourself out for them. If you will have already suggested they can stay a couple of nights then fine: stick to it and do not let them stay past Sunday afternoon. But! Make this the last time. From now on, do not let them stay with you. This arrangement is very one-sided.

OP, what's the worst that could happen if you say NO? They don't seem to care at all about taking your needs into consideration, so it's time to stop trying to care about theirs.

Ah thanks for all the support everyone, you’ve pumped me up ready to say no! Have sent them that text and they’ve text back saying they’ll call tomorrow to discuss so we’ll see what unfolds. DH is positively gleaming at the idea of not having them, he absolutely detests them staying! We do enjoy hosting other family and we’re actually very chilled out people but this pair are draining to say the least!! I’m not even sure why they want to come, they moan about everything, from the height of my sofa, the colour of the loo paper to the thickness of our interior doors (yes really, they’re too solid apparently and we should get them shaven back as too heavy). SM requests specific branded coffee that we don’t drink and cannot possibly bring it with her.. it’s just one hinge after another. I’m going to stick to my guns tomorrow!! I’m googling a list of local hotels - wish me luck!

OP don’t google hotels
They can do that

Do something you actually want to do! Have a dance party with your gleaming happy DH!

Well done OP, stay strong!

@AutumnRose1 😂😂😂

This sounds a nightmare!

Well done OP
They’re perfectly capable of finding their own hotel, don’t be their skivvy.
And please reply with “There’s nothing to discuss, we’ll see you at the party”

If they do come, I would make jokes about all of their moaning to lighten the mood (and make them see how ridiculous they are being)!