Wanting to time-limit visits from family?

[Cloudyyy]

Context: family live 2 hour drive away and for many reasons, prefer to visit us. They don’t appreciate our young children in their home and don’t like cooking for us. When we do visit then, we usually stay in hotels nearby and “pop” in. When they causing us, they insist on staying at ours because they can’t find anything suitable for them (they have a very long list of requirements) and moan about absolutely everywhere they’ve ever stayed. It’s stressful having them here because their lifestyle is so at odds with ours. For example, they get up late and stay up eating big dinners into the night. We hate this and are early morning people - as are the kids. They comment on everything in a negative way and I find it thoroughly exhausting having them here. They expect lavish meals throughout the day, sit indoors for hours on end and cannot sense when they’ve overstayed their welcome and it’s time to go.

Dilemma: We’re having a family celebration on a Saturday in November and they want to stay at our place. I’ve told them that they’re welcome to stay Friday/ Saturday but we’re in work Monday morning so they’ll have to go Sunday morning. They want to travel him on the Monday because it’ll be “too exhausting” going the Sunday so they’re now expecting a big roast on the Sunday too. I have explained we’re in work but apparently that doesn’t matter because it’s family so time with them IS relaxing 😬.

Would I be unreasonable to insist on a hotel Sunday night for them?? Is that rude? Or are they rude expecting to stay on a work and school night?

@Crystaltits
This exactly !

Just keep practicing the words no and sorry that doesn't work for us... 😁

Go OP!
Stay strong. I feel for you I too have suffered with the CF family visits.
It is hard to put in boundaries but worth it.

I feel your pain cloudyyy. Except it’s my mother and step-father. They stayed one Christmas for 15 days! It was a nightmare. They complain about absolutely everything from our brand of tea to the taste of our tap water (they insist on buying bottled water when they’re here). I’ve no idea why they even want to be here, they don’t seem to have a very good time. Totally different lifestyles too - they’re retired and we both work but they expect to be entertained and fed at all hours. Your comment about the doors really resonated. Just the sort of pointless complaint they would come up with. To be honest, I’ve been trying to go no contact with them after years of being put down. I hope you can be stronger than me and put yourself and your families needs first. Someone else can put them up/put up with them. It shouldn’t always fall to you.

I'd say they can come up Saturday and stay sat night. You've a children's party to go to so they'll have to go at 10/11am Sunday.
And I'd forget to buy coffee/extra food. Get the kids up early and loud.
You're way too welcoming.

I hope you have been given the confidence on this thread to stick to your guns, they are really taking the piss.

Hang on a minute, if the party is at your brother's house for the nephew then why would your parents be staying at yours?

In my family, at best, one of us would have a parent up to the party then after the party they move on to another sibling. Nobody takes the full brunt of the insanity. We share it out. Hand over at a party is ideal, hanging around delaying is extra tricky for them to pull off. Am expert. Share the "love".

Hang on a minute, if the party is at your brother's house for the nephew then why would your parents be staying at yours?

Absolutely- time to hang your brother out to dry
His party his monkeys.

'That doesn't work for us.' and 'No.' are both complete sentences.

@TowelNumber42. “ Nobody takes the full brunt of the insanity“

I’m not a family person even though mine are nice. This made me LOL so hard.

I would text back that you won’t be changing your mind.

carried on their conversation expecting me to pay.

I haven’t a clue why you would. I just don’t get why people don’t say no to all these things?!

Context: family live 2 hour drive away and for many reasons, prefer to visit us.

I suspect it’s only one reason-that being you letting them get away with being cheeky fuckers by never challenging them on their behaviour.

What happens when they stay at your brother’s?

gosh they sound awful. stand firm OP! there is no room at the inn.

You could have cancelled that Takeaway order too by hanging up.

Absolutely. I'd have quietly put the phone away without saying anything.

As PPs said, you're being far too nice, OP.
It's obvious they'll stay as long as they want, if you let them come at all so just keep saying "That doesn't work for us".
Best of luck.

Deliberate misunderstanding in your text response.

"No need to discuss helping us out. We'll be OK. Thanks for the thought though. See you at the party x"

Then be far too busy to answer any calls tomorrow.

Let your DH speak to them tomorrow!

Yes OP! Go you! Shamelessly placemarking so that I can hear how it goes down tomorrow!

Let your DH speak to them tomorrow!

Not very fair on the DH!

Do not let them call you about it tomorrow, they will harass you into caving in. Text back that there's nothing to discuss and mute your phone tomorrow. Or if your DH can stand firm let him answer and say you're not available. It takes practice standing up to CFs and a full assault on your first attempt will be tough. Good luck!

as abovfrom crystal tits - dont let them call you they willtalk you into staying

"no that dosent work for us" and repeat. constantly.

people like this ned putting in their place

I would ring them now and ask them what they want to discuss as you’ve got loads to do tomorrow. Make it really awkward for them. If they ask to stay again then say No.That you’ve already said it won’t work for you and direct them to the brothers house. Man some people are cheeky.

Ok.... I am very familiar with CF family members.
Don’t buy the branded coffee, etc. It’s your house. Don’t get stuff in that you don’t normally have at hand. Let them know that you won’t be doing that in advance. If they want “their coffee”, they are to bring it with them or to buy it when they get there, otherwise they deal with what you have at hand. The standard response is “We live here. Get over it, or stay at a hotel.”

Why are you paying for their takeaway?

They sound a nightmare! Do they not impose themselves on your brother too?

I agree with the branded coffee, it’s very rude! I tried to just not buy it in and prewarned them to bring out along with them as we wouldn’t use it up once they left (it’s truly foul stuff) but they still arrived and did a big ceremonial troop through the cupboards looking for it and doing big pouty faces and huffing. They sat there all
day with a big glass of tap water, repeatedly saying how much they “would've liked a coffee really” over and over and over again. When their phones went, they loudly told several friends “we’re visiting Cloudyyy.. having to drink tap water. Terrible shame”. I felt awful!!!!