Wanting to time-limit visits from family?

[Cloudyyy]

Context: family live 2 hour drive away and for many reasons, prefer to visit us. They don’t appreciate our young children in their home and don’t like cooking for us. When we do visit then, we usually stay in hotels nearby and “pop” in. When they causing us, they insist on staying at ours because they can’t find anything suitable for them (they have a very long list of requirements) and moan about absolutely everywhere they’ve ever stayed. It’s stressful having them here because their lifestyle is so at odds with ours. For example, they get up late and stay up eating big dinners into the night. We hate this and are early morning people - as are the kids. They comment on everything in a negative way and I find it thoroughly exhausting having them here. They expect lavish meals throughout the day, sit indoors for hours on end and cannot sense when they’ve overstayed their welcome and it’s time to go.

Dilemma: We’re having a family celebration on a Saturday in November and they want to stay at our place. I’ve told them that they’re welcome to stay Friday/ Saturday but we’re in work Monday morning so they’ll have to go Sunday morning. They want to travel him on the Monday because it’ll be “too exhausting” going the Sunday so they’re now expecting a big roast on the Sunday too. I have explained we’re in work but apparently that doesn’t matter because it’s family so time with them IS relaxing 😬.

Would I be unreasonable to insist on a hotel Sunday night for them?? Is that rude? Or are they rude expecting to stay on a work and school night?

I am reeling at the coffee situation!

What incredibly rude people they are. Tell them to bring their own coffee! And don't let them stay. You've got other plans for the weekend.

Well done!!!!

It's hard sometimes but you've done what's best for your family. Can't believe they are that rude!! Good for you, stick yto your guns x

Oh I forgot to tell you we are doing bob a favour and storing some of his stuff for him in the spare room. It’s so full we can’t even open the door.

Stay strong OP. I’d consider getting rid of the spare room

My goodness well done texting them not to come!

I agree with others, don't be available to "discuss".

You know that if they stay, on Sunday morning they "lose track of time" and then they'll be all, "Oh look at the weather". No way.

Good grief. I'm amazed you even consider having them to stay one night ever again. My FIL used to pull these kind of stunts. He's not allowed to stay much at all these days and on the rare occasion he does I go out or upstairs and ignore him completely leaving him to DH. I don't cook or make tea/coffee at all because he's a rude racist misogynistic twat. I think you need to stop 'keeping the peace' and instead close your home to these horrors.

Dont answer the phone. It's a trap 😂 wish I could say no too

Can you decorate/make the spare room unhabitable. Find damp etc

That's a good idea Manky. I would decorate your spare room with a sex dungeon theme. Whips, chains, huge dildos... you can probably get loads of stuff on eBay.

Unless you think they might be into that, in which case you might never get rid of them.

I wouldn't agree to them staying at all. They are so pushy & rude. I think if you agree to them staying 2 nights then on the Sunday there will be some drama where a hotel falls through, or they agree to sleep there but expect to spend the full day in your home

I’m not surprised your brother doesn’t have a spare room! Do the rest of the family ever have them to stay?

They expect lavish meals

You need to make it clear to people that they can expect what they like, but if so-they will probably be very disappointed.

In a way the incessant complaints liberate you. They’ll be unhappy whatever, so do what you like instead of trying to cater to them.

Just say you can appreciate how tiring it will be for them to travel back on the Sunday as you are sure they can appreciate how tiring it will be entertaining Sunday night/Monday morning while also needing to work Monday morning so you’re sure they can agree that a hotel would be much more sensible in this instance!

Goodness, they seem so let down so easily that, as someone else mentioned up-thread, they'll be unhappy regardless of whether you cave to their impossible demands or lower their expectations for them! You've got NOTHING to lose by zapping that welcome mat from outside the front door and shutting up shop. What's the worst that could happen?

I have a mother like this. She's actually a very nice person to be around and she can be complementary, showing gratitude, but there's a flip-side: She's wholly demanding and draining. We've been NC for over a year (for other reasons which I won't bore you with) and while it's a loss and a bereavement, for the first time in years, it's just so damn lovely to not have to factor her endless needs into the equation. You don't have to go NC, of course not. But you do have to pull way back. Do it for your own sense of well-being.
The sad thing is, if you pulled way back on this relationship, you wouldn't actually miss your dad (I think anyway) because he's allowed the relationship to be so one-sided and rather unloving. I don't miss my mum. I do, but overwhelmingly, I don't. You're probably more burnt out by your dad and stepmother than you even realise.

Just text back 'no need to discuss, this works for us. We are looking forward to the party Saturday, see you there.'

Why waste time on their persistent demands, don't enable the rubbish as you know they will just grind you down.

They are staying in your home and your doing them a favour - just remember this !

Update: spoke to DB (who really made me laugh trading stories of their antics) and he then sent a text to the whole family inviting them to a play centre on the Sunday morning so all the kids can let loose together. He says as it’s a big group, he’s booked us in at 9am since all kids are up so early (not sure if this is true, will purposely not ask until that morning because I’m a terrible liar). We will hopefully all make the most of the long morning together. DF and SM have now decided they “wouldn’t cope” with the play centre as they’re feeling under the weather suddenly. I said I’d rather they didn’t stay at mine with the kids at all if they are actually under the weather. They’re now saying they’ll just get a hotel room - not sure they should come to the baby’s party if they’re unwell but they cut me off at that point. They’re definitely not happy and were quite short, the kids are over the moon at the new plan though and DH thinks it’s hilarious 😂😂😂

Well done, OP and OP's DB!

Great update 😂

Hahaha hoisted on their own petard

Great update

All hail OP's genius DB!