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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What do I do about MIL this Xmas after last year's drama??

325 replies

Itsme93 · 01/11/2019 16:31

Hey all,
I've currently got the boyf of 2 years asking me what I'm going to get his parents for Xmas.
I wouldn't usually mind as I love Xmas & buying presents however last year I had a few problems....

  1. I bought his parents a fancy coffee machine as they love coffee but strangely enough they never bought themselves one so I thought, great gift. A few days after Xmas, the boyf said his mother was not happy because I 'showed her up'. I asked him how? Apparently my present was too grand as she had only bought me a size 8 crop top (which I think was a recycled present as its definitely not my style and I'm a size 12 - before anyone jumps on this about accidental wrong sizing, his mum is fully aware I'm not a size 8 nor would I ever wear a crop top!) I said it was fab etc thanks so much on the day though.
  2. instead of buying his sister, I bought gifts for her little girl instead. Apparently MIL was not impressed by that and that I should have got his sister something.
  3. one of the gifts I got his neice was a rocking horse which the little girl loved and Xmas day wouldn't get off it. MIL was not happy that my gift overshadowed hers and said 'I wish this gift had been from me'.
  4. last Xmas I bought boyf an updated ipad as his had broken, within 6 weeks he gave it to his sister because the mother said the neice would like it to play games on. I wasn't impressed and said I'd rather have it back. Boyf still gave it to the niece Angry

I rarely see any of his family, find them quite socially inept however I am happy to get them something. I told boyf for him to sort it out this year but he wants to do it seperately and with already asking me what I'm getting them all, he's obviously got expectations which has actually p*ssed me right off.

Do I finish with him lol I really feel like he's part of the problem and I'm fed up of these expectations of me having to impress his family like I'm not good enough, as that's how I feel.... Or do I act like nothing and just do vouchers? Confused

OP posts:
funnylittlefloozie · 01/11/2019 19:44

Just a thought, but, were you there when this shower of Clampetts opened their presents, and if you were, how did they react? Because i am wondering if actually you showed your BF up by getting lovely thoughtful presents - OR he told them these were joint gifts, meaning that he needs to maintain the fiction this year.

This might actually be a BF problem rather than definitely an "in law" problem.

BornInAThunderstorm · 01/11/2019 19:44

I wouldn’t buy for a partner or boyfriends family individually, I agree with other posters that you should either buy for your own or have joint gifts.

If you really feel you must buy, How about giving her a literal pile of shit?

www.oxfam.org.uk/shop/product/pile-of-poo-OU1108ML

Or any other less offensive charity gift. That way you get the warm feeling of having done something for charity, ticking the box of giving them a gift and they can’t complain because they’d look uncaring Wink

Mookie81 · 01/11/2019 19:49

Boots 3 for 2 has already started I get lots of gifts there every year.
If people dont like it, fuck em. Grown adults should be grateful for what they're given.

cochineal7 · 01/11/2019 19:51

Crop top to SIL. Soap set to MIL. All set.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 01/11/2019 19:58

Sponsor them all a donkey. If you feel extravagant, a donkey each.

mankyfourthtoe · 01/11/2019 20:07

When I got together with dh, he bought presents for his family and put my name on, I bought for mine with his name on.

Kaddm · 01/11/2019 20:12

Just get rid of boyfriend.
What a family to consider marrying into.

Wonkybanana · 01/11/2019 20:17

Another one who thinks what you should be getting for Christmas is 'out of this relationship'. However if you're determined to stay in it, and you are going to get gifts for the grabby lot, please don't say that you're scaling back on last year because you're skint. You'll just invite them to sneer that it's because you spent all your money last year on fancy presents. Just give them whatever and don't say anything.

Graphista · 01/11/2019 20:28

Gift giving is an art. You need to give thoughtful and appropriate gifts without being either stingy OR overly generous.

Because being over generous places an unwelcome obligation and embarrassment on the recipient, it’s just as bad mannered as being stingy. It’s “playing lord/lady magnanimous” and can be more about the giver stroking their ego than providing genuine pleasure to the receiver.

I think it was in particular poor taste to give the niece such a generous gift, that can very easily look like (even if not intended to be) an attempt to buy the child’s affections which is never an appropriate way to behave.

You’d only been with him just over a year, you barely knew these people and you certainly weren’t close enough to them to act so presumptuously. I also think it was rude to exclude the sister but acknowledge the niece, that could well have been interpreted as stepping on his sisters toes as a mother. I can just imagine the aibu written by the sister!

“Aibu to think brothers new gf overstepped? They’ve only been together about a year I barely know the woman and dd certainly doesn’t, she got me absolutely nothing but got dd a rocking horse! The gifts we got dd barely got a look in! I didn’t say anything to her or of course in front of dd, but I was really hurt and it really put a dampener on my Christmas”

But he’s at fault too if he didn’t say a word to you if he knew what you were planning to buy/give because
he knows them far better than you and likely knew what their response would be.

I disagree with other posters that this early on joint gifts from you both would have been appropriate, that would have looked like you were trying to appear too “coupley” too soon.

But 2 years in yes it should be a joint effort with him guiding on type and level of expenditure.

However, I also agree if this early on he’s expecting you to take on the “wifework” of choosing, physically getting and wrapping gifts that’s a bad sign too, and also being somewhat manipulative regarding gifts isn’t good either.

The recipients wouldn’t have necessarily known how much you spent either and so the gifts could well have been believed to cost more than they did.

Even £40 I think is a fair amount for people you didn’t know that well. How much is that machine in normal shops not on offer? Because that’s what they might have thought you spent. A quick google suggests they normally retail for between £60-80. In my experience that’s a lot of money! If someone had got me something like that and if only got them something more the. £10-20 mark I’d feel shit!

As for the rocking horse, you never get items that are large physically for children as you don’t know if the family has the space for it, you don’t buy noisy or messy toys unless you’re intending to piss off the parents (for a while my sister and I had a good natured “wind up” going where we’d get the dns messy/noisy toys) you don’t risk outdoing parents/Santa either, and you certainly don’t bump the parents and spend more on the dc - for future reference.

You are quite young (I know you don’t think you are but honestly you are) so you’re still learning this stuff and it is a learning curve, but do learn from it, not just for this boyfriend but any future different ones too.

Because even if they and their family are better mannered and more understanding than this current one and don’t comment, they might well if you made the same faux pas again and that would affect your relationship with them.

You want to get people gifts they like and would genuinely use/welcome, that is in roughly the same price bracket as they’re spending on you, that is appropriate for you to buy based on how close the relationship is.

There are tons of online guides and articles on this stuff you may find it useful to read a few.

shrutefarm · 01/11/2019 20:31

You know he's a twat right?

Be careful getting into a long term relationship with someone who has a shit family.

Scrumptiousbears · 01/11/2019 20:37

Have you not asked BF why you should buy them presents after last years ungrateful rudeness?

blahblahblahblahhh · 01/11/2019 20:41

And this is exactly why I've done Martin Lewis's no presents Xmas for the last 4 years!
Xmas isn't about tit for tat crap buying. Xmas is about peace, family time and love. There is no necessity for this incessant buying!

FlamingoQueen · 01/11/2019 20:46

It should be a present for inlaws from both of you. Buying separate presents is odd.

Guiltypleasures001 · 01/11/2019 20:46

Give them the gift of his full time company this Xmas by dumping the fuckwit
And his grabby family

Then spend the money saved on yourself ....result

SarahNade · 01/11/2019 20:49

He's only your boyfriend so his parents aren't even family to you, there is no etiquette that says a girlfriend must buy her boyfriend's parents and nieces etc a gift! I wouldn't have bought them anything after only just over a year as bf/gf. Who does that? Why didn't you put your foot down last year and say 'I don't know you're family, we've only been going out for a year, a card is surely appropriate.' If you get married, then you give a give (to the parents only) and it is one gift from the both of you. You sound like you have a lot of money and are throwing it at strangers, people you don't even know, and who don't appreciate it. You shouldn't be buying a boyfriend's relatives that you don't know presents. That is very strange.

IdblowJonSnow · 01/11/2019 20:54

They sound like a bunch of twats.
Bin them all off!

Butterymuffin · 01/11/2019 20:55

Gift receiving is also an art, and the boyfriend's family have been terrible at doing that graciously.

k1233 · 01/11/2019 21:41

Why don't you give his sister a size 8 crop top? Grin

I'd dial it back to nice chocolate or Christmas snack. Maybe an individualised bauble. I did that for my sister one year. Got baubles, wrote their names in glitter pen and did glitter decorations. Was fun and cost efficient.

SunshineCake · 01/11/2019 22:08

The "lol" after musing about dumping him is what makes you sound immature.

This is not a grown up life long relationship so I would cut my losses and get out now. You won't though.

GormlessLeech · 01/11/2019 22:23

This is not a big deal, text the boyfriend back ‘you can get your relatives whatever you want for xmas. This isn’t working for me. All the best, I’ll leave your stuff in a bag by the door for you to collect tomorrow. Do not contact me again.’
Then enjoy your life. And never settle for some dude who whines at you and is obsessed with consumer products and expecting you to agonise over fuck all . Opt out, aim higher.

MsJaneAusten · 01/11/2019 22:43

Boots aren’t doing the 3 for 2 this year are they

What? But then it’s not really Christmas, surely?

tillytrotter1 · 01/11/2019 23:18

A botox voucher for his mother???

1Morewineplease · 01/11/2019 23:26

I agree with PP here... this is your BF’s problem. You need to discuss Christmas presents with him .

Tighnabruaich · 01/11/2019 23:51

Babes, he’s a twat.

JasonPollack · 02/11/2019 02:28

^
This though.