What do I do about MIL this Xmas after last year's drama??

[Itsme93]

Hey all,
I've currently got the boyf of 2 years asking me what I'm going to get his parents for Xmas.
I wouldn't usually mind as I love Xmas & buying presents however last year I had a few problems....

1. I bought his parents a fancy coffee machine as they love coffee but strangely enough they never bought themselves one so I thought, great gift. A few days after Xmas, the boyf said his mother was not happy because I 'showed her up'. I asked him how? Apparently my present was too grand as she had only bought me a size 8 crop top (which I think was a recycled present as its definitely not my style and I'm a size 12 - before anyone jumps on this about accidental wrong sizing, his mum is fully aware I'm not a size 8 nor would I ever wear a crop top!) I said it was fab etc thanks so much on the day though.
2. instead of buying his sister, I bought gifts for her little girl instead. Apparently MIL was not impressed by that and that I should have got his sister something.
3. one of the gifts I got his neice was a rocking horse which the little girl loved and Xmas day wouldn't get off it. MIL was not happy that my gift overshadowed hers and said 'I wish this gift had been from me'.
4. last Xmas I bought boyf an updated ipad as his had broken, within 6 weeks he gave it to his sister because the mother said the neice would like it to play games on. I wasn't impressed and said I'd rather have it back. Boyf still gave it to the niece

I rarely see any of his family, find them quite socially inept however I am happy to get them something. I told boyf for him to sort it out this year but he wants to do it seperately and with already asking me what I'm getting them all, he's obviously got expectations which has actually p*ssed me right off.

Do I finish with him lol I really feel like he's part of the problem and I'm fed up of these expectations of me having to impress his family like I'm not good enough, as that's how I feel.... Or do I act like nothing and just do vouchers?

Will you be seeing them at Christmas?

I wouldn’t spend anything except a small gift for the niece.

Stop this nonsense now and tell BF to let them know your decision - they were ungrateful and so was he

Bath salts and talc x 2 one for mil and one for sil

Run for the hills as quickly as you can

It's starting to sound like hard work. Save your money and tell him you aren't compatible. Why would you want to become part of their family? And remember the saying, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree...

She's not your MIL. I would walk away now before she does become your MIL.

'You come across as a bit of a show off TBH'

Funny, I don't think you do come across as a show off OP. I think you come across as someone who was unable to gauge the 'first year' situation, so went higher value instead of lower, just incase. Now you know, you can act accordingly.

Sorry 'first Christmas' situation.

Roses & wine for the mother
Roses, wine & a selection box for the sister/niece. Fuck that, shower of grabby tight fuckers

It's his job to buy presents for his family, not yours

Wow those were extravagant gifts. I don't agree with PP that you don't need to bother before you're married but I'd stick to little gifts sets or what not. Boots, JL etc are full of them.

I don't think you sound like a show off, you sound lovely. You can do so much better than these idiots.

Are you expected to buy presents just from you? DP & I get joint gifts for our parents/families, we often get a joint/house-y gift back so it works for us. I’d just diffuse it by shopping together, follow his lead of what he buys and how much he spends.

The fact that he came tattling back to you about what his mum said is reason enough to dump. The fact that he expects you to participate in this weird contest where you don't know the rules and can only lose is another. Ick.

What did the boyf get you for Christmas last year OP?

This man is already married to his mother so there is absolutely no room for you in there. You are a mere distraction to occupy his mind when he is not worrying about what she might be thinking of him.
Now he is trying to train you to please his mother too by checking your presents are suitable. He sees it as your duty to help him manage her.
You are sort of his mother's carer in terms of her feelings and keeping her sweet. No one else will ever come close to that because she is patrolling the perimeter fence all the time. She has already signalled to you via the crappy crop top what she thinks of you.
I would think his mother was jealous of the iPad and told him to give it to the niece. You disrespected her by being his girlfriend and being generous to her son because he needs to keep ALL his love for her and no one else.
Get out now. He won't change. He can't change. She's the boss of him not you.

You say in your original text that mil said that your Christmas present last year was 'too grand' so you have the perfect reason to cut right back this year. You can also manage expectations by saying now that you are a bit broke and are cutting right back this year. Could you agree set limits? Maybe can we all stick to gifts of no more than £20 this year. Stress that come what may that's what you will be doing. At least that way if the presents you receive are disappointing you won't have spent a fortune yourself.

Your boyfriend sounds far too keen to hear what he can get out of you gift wise for him and his family.

I'd run for the hills TBH. You were extravagant with your gifts, and not buying the sister anything when you've gone OTT on others does seem strange. If you want to give it another go then I agree with the earlier poster who suggested saying that you'll spend £X amount per person. £20 seems plenty to me. As for bf giving his iPad away, that's bang out of order - if he didn't want it then he should return it and ask for something else. I'm afraid if people don't have lists or offer up ideas, then things are likely to go awry when you don't see them particularly often or know them well.

Seriously though, do you really want to be with a guy who listens to and apparently communicates more with his mother than he does you. Can you imagine how it would be for all parties to survive a wedding, let alone having kids and sharing a life with him constantly referring to her and cowing to her demands. Run! Run really fast!

His family. He buys for them.

Your family... You buy for them

His a twat and his mother is a dick !!!
She isnt your MIL by the way.

What has he said when you reminded him of all the trouble and expense you went to last year, and in return you got some soaps and a crop top which was never going to fit? And when you reminded him of the disgraceful way his mum behaved with the nasty comments?

It also sounds like you must have spent at least a couple thousand on presents for him, his parents and niece. Don't do that again. What were you thinking?

What Seaweed said

How lucky are the recipients of your gifts- shame that I don't know you and might get something half as good this Xmas.

Your bf is a dick for giving away the iPad from you. He's also a gift not giving you a heads up in budget- I would be embarrassed to receive a much more expensive gift than I have but I'd "repay" you on your birthday or other occasions during the year.

With regards to giving a gift to just the niece, I think that there's a lot of variation in that custom. We give a token gift to the adult and pricier gift to the child iyswim but I know lots of people do your tradition too. Your bf should have spoken to his family or explained to you what happened on previous years.

Most couples I know sort out the gift for their parents. If you tell your BF what you're buying he will probably tell his mum so may I suggest you say that you'll contribute the same amount that he contributes to your parents gift or say something outrageous like a vibrator so she loosens up. I think the challenge is on for you to buy a gift that is as crap as the crop top- maybe a crop top in her size lol

Your gifts were far too extravagant last year. I think your boyfriends mother felt embarrassed. This time just buy some flowers for his mum, and chocolates for the sister and her daughter. It's the presence, not presents that's important at christmas time.

Why do people put up with such shit ?!?!?

Your boyfriend is an arsehole. He's stirring you all up and creating problems (God knows why, most would want you to get on!). You would have no idea about the snidey things his family said if he hadn't told you. And now he's sniping like his mother because your box of chocolates wouldn't be enough.

Yes your presents were stupidly expensive for the first present you'd ever bought for them, although thoughtful, and they were always likely to make them feel as though they'd not bought enough. It probably still puts pressure on them this year as they feel they should spend more than they want to - Otherwise it will be the same this year.

I think that you have two options this year.

1. Dump the stupid, stirring boyfriend.
2. Somehow speak to his mother, say he's told you that she felt awkward last year because of your gifts and say should you all have a £20 limit on gifts this year? Or make some excuse about being a little skint this year and needing to keep present buying in check a bit this year, so could you do a £20 cutoff?