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AIBU?

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Original poster

Can I ask my bf for a loan?

136 replies

Mysteriocheerios · 01/11/2019 15:15

I wrote on another thread about my various financial problems, so I won't repeat but I'm skint and have no money (none not even on the credit card!) till Thursday when dp gets paid. It's my DS' birthday party tomorrow and I have nothing in. Not even eggs to make a cake.
My bestie lives locally and we have been friends since primary school. She's probably the only person apart from my Dm who I can be completely myself around. She's pretty sure that she has autism as well as social anxiety and things have been pretty hard for her. She lives with her parents and hasn't had a LTR. She's had the opportunity but I think she's worried about feeling trapped.

Sometimes I think it's ironic how we probably crave a bit of one the other one has. She's nearly always alone, when I would love some time to myself. I'm always skint whilst she gets her whole paycheck to spend on clothes, holidays and concert tickets. I never have any time whilst she says she's often bored and wants someone to go out with (probs not two kids though!)
She comes over every Friday night and we eat (I cook) and have a laugh till 2am (dp usually has to come down and tell us to make less noise as he has work the next day Grin) Then I drive her home. Not virtue signalling but I pay for everything food, beers, chocolate, meals out on her bday, cinema tickets if it's a film I want to see. I never ask for anything because she's my friend and also it makes things awkward. His many threads are there about friends and money?
Now I'm in complete dire straights, could I ask her for £50? I've never asked for any money before (she's never either.) My worst fear is that it would makes things hella awkward and ruin this lovely relationship.

OP posts:
user1480880826 · 01/11/2019 15:18

How old is your son? Is he old enough to notice if there’s no cake etc?

I probably wouldn’t borrow money from a friend. It’s a recipe for disaster

Can you ask a family member instead?

OctoberLovers · 01/11/2019 15:23

Can you maybe message in "conversation" and tell her about having no money for a cake and not knowing what you will do and see if she offers it to you?

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 01/11/2019 15:25

Thing is here OP is if you do get 50.00 from your friend you are then 50.00 down on your next pay...It might also create tension in your friendship.Could you sell something you don;t need maybe on a fb site?.I think ideally though its a bit late for this bday that you need to sit down and get a grip of your finances.Maybe consolidating a few debts to get lower payments or thinking about going bankrupt and starting again.I apologise I havent read your other thread so this might be crap advice,...I would ask family first if possible .Sorry things are so hard for you...

Confusedbeetle · 01/11/2019 15:26

No please dont.

fallfallfall · 01/11/2019 15:28

No, don’t ask. It will sully the relationship.
Postpone the birthday, acknowledge the day with a card or note and enjoy a special day AFTER you’ve been paid.

Original poster
Mysteriocheerios · 01/11/2019 15:29

@OctoberLovers she doesn't often pick up on these cues. Last month I was having a shit time after losing a lot of money through a cancelled flight. She messaged me saying 'are we still on to go to the cinema later' I said I was really sorry but I've had to pay £200 for a hotel that I haven't stayed in and she sort of said that was a shame and to message when I'm next free. Maybe she's worried I'd start taking advantage of her?

OP posts:
Expressedways · 01/11/2019 15:29

If she knows you aren’t well off and still let’s you pay for everything when you get together then she sounds stingy and like she’s taking advantage of you. So I don’t know how likely it is that she’ll loan you money. And what were you thinking paying for all this stuff for her when funds are that tight and you’re now short for your son’s birthday?
Unless I’m completely misunderstanding your OP...
Regardless I wouldn’t ask her as it makes any friendship awkward and you’ll be £50 down next pay cheque which will lead to more problems. Can you ask a family member instead?

GreenTulips · 01/11/2019 15:32

but I pay for everything food, beers, chocolate, meals out on her bday, cinema tickets if it's a film I want to see

You are far too generous with this friend, are you with other people as well, so you don’t feel awkward?

I’d ask if I was desperate!! Either that or your DH could ask family

TipseyTorvey · 01/11/2019 15:33

My mother was like this. Borrowed a bit here and a bit there from all her friends and couldn't pay them back. Slowly but surely she lost them all because when she did get paid she'd want to socialise with them all but their perspective was 'why are you spending money coming out before you've paid me back?' Agree with pp that selling something you have for the £10 for cake ingredients and a small token gift for now makes more sense.

Original poster
Mysteriocheerios · 01/11/2019 15:34

@Expressedways I'm not really sure why she doesn't offer tbh. I know that she had a friend in London who broke friends with her as she would come stay on her sofa and not offer to pay for a take away or for money for electric. When she explained it it was like it genuinely had never occurred to her to offer money.
Same when we go out. If I offer a drink then she'll say ok but she won't buy one with her own money. But she won't moan. She'll just drink tap water. I don't think she wants to spend her own money on things she sees as unnecessary (alcohol.)
I'm not really sure if it's anxiety, social awkwardness or stinginess to be honest.

OP posts:
Mummyshark2019 · 01/11/2019 15:34

Agree. Postpone the birthday.

Original poster
Mysteriocheerios · 01/11/2019 15:36

I know the right thing is to postpone the birthday. Just don't want to let down my ds and dd. Am going to look round for things to sell. Have decided not to ask friend.

OP posts:
nocluewhattodoo · 01/11/2019 15:36

Don't. Borrowing and lending money amongst friends is always a bad idea. DP lent a few friends a lot of money collectively, and over a year later we are still having to chase for repayment. The fact they have all been on holidays and lots of meals and drinks out while not paying us back has made me think less of them.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 01/11/2019 15:37

How old is your ds ?

Original poster
Mysteriocheerios · 01/11/2019 15:40

@Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe he's going to be 3, 15 kids are supposed to be coming tomorrow afternoon.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 01/11/2019 15:40

I don’t know, everyone is in different situations but personally if you were my friend in this situation I’d give you £50 no problem and not expect it back.

Do you actually have a planned party tomorrow and are expecting children?

LuvMyBubbles · 01/11/2019 15:40

Don’t ask for money but start making friend pay for some of her way on nights out?
Maybe she gets cinema tickets for you two and you buy drinks and snacks. Otherwise you will start to resent her. Could be cf or something else but you obviously don’t have a lot of money to through around.

LuvMyBubbles · 01/11/2019 15:41

Any vouchers you can cash in?

LuvMyBubbles · 01/11/2019 15:42

If you have fifteen kids coming I would postpone, maybe say someone is sick ?

Ponoka7 · 01/11/2019 15:42

Ask her.

It sounds as though because she still lives at home she doesn't realise that other people struggle.

Stop being so generous with her in future.

Cancel today if you have to, so people aren't turning down plans to come to the party.

Wineislifex · 01/11/2019 15:43

Based on what you’ve said it sounds unlikely she would be willing to lend you the money.
You could try mentioning in conversion that you may have to cancel tomorrow’s party as you can’t afford to feed the guests and see how she responds. Good friend who could afford it would offer, but a good friend also doesn’t let some constantly pay for them...

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 01/11/2019 15:43

Could you maybe then ask your friend if shes not busy if she could bake you a cake or a few buns tonight as you are run off your feet and dont have time? that might be a more acceptable way round it..,,,sure she would be glad to help you prepare for a party ....no money changing hands you could buy her a beer to say thank you when you are next out

Spied · 01/11/2019 15:44

I think I'd ask her outright. Her reply will tell you everything.

Original poster
Mysteriocheerios · 01/11/2019 15:45

@Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe that's a good idea, I've done something similar in the past. I've asked her to pick something up for me on the way over and she has done. Maybe I could ask her to buy some cakes in Sainsbury's on her way here?

OP posts:
AndysFavouriteToy · 01/11/2019 15:48

Ok I am going to sound really mean, but I am similar to you in that I have very limited funds. Therefore when I know it's my kids birthday I put a fiver/tenner etc away each month before so that I can do a party and presents. I might not go the cinema or out in the months leading up.... How can you afford to take your friend out/do food every Friday, knowing you have a child's party to pay for... It's not like it's a surprise...!

However, no, don't ask your friend. But stop spending money on her and spend it on your family instead.