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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset about DPs mum stealing from him

226 replies

Stfrancesof · 01/11/2019 05:38

I posted before about money and a trip to Newcastle which went horribly wrong.

I got a lot of good advice and I'm really grateful for it.

We are now dealing with the fall out of discovering that DPs mum had been stealing from him for years, since about 2012 by transferring money to herself from his account. She had his internet banking password. He completely trusted her. She also convinced him to take a loan out, said she would organise it, took out 3k more than he needed, pocketed the money and left him with repayments that are around double what she had initially told him. The amount she took from his bank account in the past year alone has been around 8k.

Obviously he has been an absolute idiot. No words.

She has been overly generous towards him, buying him presents and so on and on over the past 7 years.

All with guilt money that she had stolen.

I can't really get my head round it. I do love him and think he has been financially and domestically abused.

This has upset me on so many levels and I wondered if anyone has any wise words about it - I'm upset his trust has been betrayed by his own mother, that his financial security has been seriously threatened, that she lied and lied, that I very nearly got robbed by her or at the very least manipulated by her.

How could someone do this to their own son?

OP posts:
LIZS · 01/11/2019 16:11

You are in danger of, if not already, getting over-investing in , what is at best, a dysfunctional mother-son relationship. She may be abusing his trust but he has enabled her and continues to do so. He is playing the victim and getting your sympathy but won't do anything positive to resolve it. Leave them to it before you get embroiled.

randomdisneyaddict · 01/11/2019 16:21

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TatianaLarina · 01/11/2019 17:16

The biggest hole is that he’s sposed to be on statutory sick leave which is under £100 per week. On that income you would absolutely notice if someone withdraw £2-300 from your account. You would go further and further into the red and the bank would contact you for breaching your overdraft limits.

Either he has some other source of income, possibly illicit, or the whole thing is nonsense.

Pinkyyy · 01/11/2019 17:16

Wow OP I am genuinely amazed. I'm not sure what to make of the situation so I can only assume you feel confused too. I really hope you can convince him to report her.

Original poster
Stfrancesof · 01/11/2019 17:18

Look I've posted in good faith. If you read the thread properly you wouldn't need to keep commenting there are holes. I really don't appreciate being troll hunted like this, thanks.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 01/11/2019 17:19

Also statutory sick pay only lasts for 28 weeks after that you have to claim ESA.

Original poster
Stfrancesof · 01/11/2019 17:20

Sorry cross post @pinkyyy. Thanks I hope he does too Flowers

OP posts:
Chloe84 · 01/11/2019 17:20

Oh Op, stop being sucked in by him. I’m betting on some level he knew but is not telling you that.

Just leave them to it and GOWYL.

TatianaLarina · 01/11/2019 17:20

Xpost with OP - the holes are in his story not yours OP.

The one you’re giving us via him. I don’t think anyone is accusing you of being a troll.

Original poster
Stfrancesof · 01/11/2019 17:21

Thank you @TatianaLarina. That's really helpful of you to point out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stfrancesof · 01/11/2019 17:22

Sorry @TatianaLarina - thanks, I misunderstood. I've seen the bank statements and I've seen the shock he went into. I believe him.

OP posts:
cathpinc · 01/11/2019 17:22

What was his job before he lost it? (apols if this has been answered on previous threads) Is he this vague about things professionally?

Original poster
Stfrancesof · 01/11/2019 17:24

I think he suspected it but knew if he blew it all up and confronted it head on then he would have hell to pay in one way or another. isn't that what narcissistic absuers do? Don't victims always 'know' on some level - there the cognitive dissonance.

OP posts:
MadnessInMethod · 01/11/2019 17:24

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Original poster
Stfrancesof · 01/11/2019 17:25

He has a job he had 10 weeks of ssp.

He does a specialist, niche job which he is good at but no, the things not directly relates to the part he finds enjoyable he does struggle with, yes

OP posts:
Original poster
Stfrancesof · 01/11/2019 17:29

@MadnessInMethod

*This is all total bollocks.

If any of this is true then your boyfriend is lying to you and making an absolute mug of you.*

Wow. Thanks for posting that wisdom.

OP posts:
TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 01/11/2019 17:30

But, by all accounts the narcissistic mother promptly took out a loan and paid back 20k to him rather than blowing it all up. Which would be quite unusual. How did he ask her for 20K back?

Perunatop · 01/11/2019 17:30

DP sounds incredibly immature and incompetent. Not sure what the attraction is. He's unlikely to change at his age.

MzHz · 01/11/2019 18:03

Seriously, this relationship isn’t good for you.

Please get out as soon as you possibly and cleanly can?

ActualHornist · 01/11/2019 18:09

Fuck sake OP, wake up and smell the coffee here.

I can’t believe you’ve even swallowed the ‘I need to go to branch’ to reset online banking. Of course he doesn’t. He only needs to do that if he needs to update his documentation or change his mother’s maiden name. Otherwise he can do this over the phone or via the website which a quick google confirmed.

He might just be completely clueless, but I think there’s some severe obfuscation of the truth here. Either way, he must have a golden willy or something for you to be so invested.

Vanhi · 01/11/2019 18:10

For those of you wondering how on earth this man didn't know - do bear in mind that Sting's accountant defrauded him of £6M. Some people just aren't that bothered, if they think there is a wage going in, whether or not they're as stupidly wealthy as Sting. And others will stick their head in the sand if the going gets tough. The fact that you act differently does not change this.

TowelNumber42 · 01/11/2019 18:11

Maybe he is abused by his mother. Maybe he is is codependent. Maybe he has serious mental health issues that end up hurting him in the wallet. He needs a therapist for that not a girlfriend. It isn't a 3 week fix.

Interestedwoman · 01/11/2019 18:19

For what reason would someone's mum have their bank password? Unless maybe she was supposed to be managing his finances as he's incapable? :/ :/ :/

If he manages an ok job, he's not thick. Aspergers or ADHD don't necessarily make someone intellectually subnormal- given what you say about his job, he clearly isn't.

I don't get the her having his password thing? :/

It does sound like if (rather than him saying she can have the money, but lying to you about having said that) he's effectively been a victim of 'mate crime,' he does need some professional involvement.

It seems unlikely as he's managed to do ok in life though, so maybe something was agreed between them that you don't know about.

MrsFrankDrebin · 01/11/2019 18:20

Bloody hell - you say 'smallish amounts' OP, and then say £200 or £300! They aren't 'smallish amounts' in anyone's world (and my DH earns a good salary!) I thought you were going to say £20 and £30 here and there, not in the hundreds.

You need to formalise the consequences of what your DP's mother, and he needs to support you in that, if he wants to keep you. It's not about 'bearing' police involvement - she's defrauded him. That is something that has consequences.

If he won't stand up to her about this, which is pretty much as serious as it gets for financial deception between mother and child, then what else won't he stand up to her about?

LovePoppy · 01/11/2019 22:40

except she got locked out at the end of July by putting in his password wrong.

Well, I guess we know what happened to Rome

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