To be so upset about DPs mum stealing from him

[Stfrancesof]

I posted before about money and a trip to Newcastle which went horribly wrong.

I got a lot of good advice and I'm really grateful for it.

We are now dealing with the fall out of discovering that DPs mum had been stealing from him for years, since about 2012 by transferring money to herself from his account. She had his internet banking password. He completely trusted her. She also convinced him to take a loan out, said she would organise it, took out 3k more than he needed, pocketed the money and left him with repayments that are around double what she had initially told him. The amount she took from his bank account in the past year alone has been around 8k.

Obviously he has been an absolute idiot. No words.

She has been overly generous towards him, buying him presents and so on and on over the past 7 years.

All with guilt money that she had stolen.

I can't really get my head round it. I do love him and think he has been financially and domestically abused.

This has upset me on so many levels and I wondered if anyone has any wise words about it - I'm upset his trust has been betrayed by his own mother, that his financial security has been seriously threatened, that she lied and lied, that I very nearly got robbed by her or at the very least manipulated by her.

How could someone do this to their own son?

How did this all come to light? Did she say “sorry, I’ve locked myself out of your online banking that I’ve been using to steal your money, please could you log me back in?”.

I don’t think DP is the naive one here, I think it’s OP.

It seems we have alot of ppl here who are totally perfcet when it comes to their and their DP's finances.

I don't know about that. I certainly know that me or my husband couldn't afford to have 8k taken from our account without noticing. I can't imagine that when I checked my balance and instead of having a healthy +balance I realised I was -600 on overdraft. I sometimes am surprised to find 400 or 500 less than I thought was there, but then looking through transactions see a direct debit, or withdrawal for something I'd forgotten. Finding 8k gone in 7 months would definitely make me wonder WTF is going on.

I'm not sure that makes me "perfect"!

He has to be someone special for you to take on his thieving mother.

I meant to say, similar happened to one of my friends - she didn't notice the huge amounts of money going out of her account.

She said she had no idea how much had gone because she had stuck her head in the sand so much that she was too scared to check her balance. Didn't even open letters from the bank / HMRC etc as she felt unable to face it.

Obviously that's a very troubling situation to be in but could be a similar issue for your DP.

If that would be the case I think it reflects a serious difficulty to take responsibility for finances and confront issues that are stressful.

I love my friend to bits so I don't say that in a horrible way but I know she regrets it so much now.

Also do bear in mind that by being the one who is angry and proactive about this, you aren't doing him any favours in the long term as he needs to learn how to tackle these issues (scary finances / overbearing mum / lack of get up and go) himself in future.

I'm like you and go into rescuer mode as a default but am trying to step back and let people learn how to deal with their issues themselves.

You can be a sounding board of course but it's easy to slip into carer mode and then have that role in all areas of their life.

Being supportive means helping someone to be their best self and that includes being clued up on their financial situation and able to have difficult conversations when they are necessary.

You sound lovely but try to see this as an opportunity for him to learn and develop new skills when it comes to tackling issues.

You really are enjoying the drama arent you? You have had first hand experience into what his family and himself are like yet you are choosing to be in it. Complaining and moaning here but still want to be with him. You made a big show in the first thread about leaving because of what they did but here you are still rolling in the drama.

I don’t think DP is the naive one here, I think it’s OP.

Yep. Super naive. None of this adds up.

they know it was your fault that the cat is out of the bag & the mother now in debt

Remembering that OP knows only what she's being told, I'd say that's if the DM's in debt ... though if true, it'll probably be considered justification for stealing from OP in future. Overall I agree there's a lot of naivety, so here goes with my crystal ball:

DP throws in a few more incidents to test OP's determination to "protect and help him"
DP asks OP for a loan to cover him "temporarily" because mummy's done it again
DP swears mummy will repay it - after all she cried didn't she? And took out a loan?
The loan's not repaid, and OP feels she has to hang around "just until she gets it back"
OP gets pregnant and ties herself to DP and his family for 18 plus years

I haven't had the chance to properly read all your replies to you post however wanted to let you know I went through something a bit similar this year. Found out my mum committed fraud against me and never paid what she owed. I stupidly never called the police which I now wish I had done! She has literally ruined everything!! I won't be able to go to my nephew or nieces birthdays or events because she will be there & my kids will miss out on those times with their cousins. We all miss out meanwhile she moves on like nothing ever happened. I wish I called the police so she could have actually took some responsibility! Sadly, I've left it too late. I also took a car out over 5 years ago in my name with the understanding she'd pay it. Nope I maybe received £500 towards it and that was it! After an argument, I managed to get the car back to pay some of the debt off.

I'm poor. I had to be signed off work sick earlier this year.

And you bet your life that I watched my finances like a hawk. I knew I couldn't afford sick leave for more than a fortnight, I knew exactly what was coming out of my account and when, and juggled payments around so that the pathetic level of sick pay would at least go half way to covering my outgoings.

And he did none of this? Really? I'm pretty lax about my finances otherwise (and also prone to a bit of 'head in the sand' when things are going badly) but if my back is against the wall then I at least know how much is coming in and going out.

So I can't believe that he had all that time off on sick pay, never knew how much was coming in (or, presumably, going out) still managed to pay his bills and yet had 'no money' when you went to Newcastle.

Not adding up seems to be the name of the game here...

Sorry if in wrong but something doesnt add up

Is this the man that couldnt afford to go to newcastle borrowed money off you and expected you to pay for everything so much that you had a row and went home

how does he not know that money was missing as he was so skint he co9uldnt afford that trip

Cross post there sorry zaphod didnt refresh

I notice last time OP replied it was to @halloweencandymania who is one of of the very few who has said that the OP should "look after" this poor man (!!) - OP called it a "beautiful post". Because it suggested that her DP needed her to take care of him.

Classic co-dependency - seeking out someone who is needy.

I wouldn't dump him right now no as that seems a bit harsh but I will watch carefully how he behaves over the next few months

Sorry OP, but that's a line that could come from a mother, not a partner.

Interesting user name you've chosen, St Frances.

Is it fun playing at being a saint? Does hanging out with people so broken make you feel like a strong person in comparison? Capable saviour? Could be quite a high. It could be hard to put away your halo and go back to being a normal human.

Not managing things like your finances is a sign of depression. Presumably his Mum offered to help and hence was given the passcodes.

He has over trusted her. She has jiggled money about to the point and for the point of confusing him.

It's not great to be that naive at 40 but the fact that so many in this country are massively in debt shows that he isn't alone.

You know him @Stfrancesof - just be careful if you decide to stand by him. He needs debt advise and money management skills developed.

He needs the confidence to develop a new relationship with his family. He may need counselling to develop this.

Gabsalot - we are clearly of one mind on this one!

The more I puzzle about why, I think it must be a gambling addiction.

I'd say stealing from your children, and possibly your workplace as well, are perhaps their own form of addiction. There's certainly the elements of risk and win or lose that you get with gambling. I also agree with PP that this is no longer a boyfriend/ girlfriend relationship. At best you've got a fixer upper and if that's what you want, you need to have a serious look at how you view relationships and what you want out of life.

As an aside, I do wish people wouldn't police how others refer to their relationships. I refer to the man I am in a relationship with as my partner, not as a boyfriend. We don't live together, do not share finances and have been seeing each other for less than a year. But FGS he's over 50 so I cannot bring myself to refer to him as a boy. Also, we are serious about each other and I see him as a supportive partner in the things that I do. And the Cambridge Dictionary gives one definition of "partner" as "the person you are married to or living with as if married to them, or the person you are having a sexual relationship with". Frankly if it's good enough for them, it's good enough for me.

Wow just read these such a lot of food for thought.

I want to say that as far as things not adding up - I can only go on the information I've seen on the statements and then what he says. I am telling the truth as I understand it.

Re abuse and codependency- I certainly think he has been emotionally and financially abused for years. I am at risk of being in a codependent relationship and I won't stay in one. I am certainly weighing my options and the long term viability of this.

Bf did apologise profusely for what happened in Newcastle.

The loan was certainly taken out in his name without his signature or consent and I am assuming his mum signed for him.

The password issue only came to light because I insisted he needed to check and use online banking. He said he hadn't got it and his mum was avoiding giving it to him.

He needed to them go into branch to have it reset.

Thank for all all posts it has all helped me think this through

And I certainly don't enjoy or want drama... In fact he was very low drama until the Newcastle trip and I was happy. It's been a difficult month. Nor do I want to be superior to him or his family, or actually live out my life as a rescuer

he was very low drama until the Newcastle trip

No doubt - but he was hardly going to reveal what you were in for right from the start, as anyone with any sense would then have run. Ditto the "profuse apologies", which might sound very touching but don't actually change anything

What beats the heck out of me is why you're still there at all. So what if it seems "a bit harsh" to dump him, when he's already dumped all over you and shows no sign of stopping? You owe him and his ghastly family nothing whatsoever, so why not just dump him and find someone better?

If the loan was taken out without his signature the company should refund him the full value, however the knock on effect would be them pursuing his mum for fraud which from what you’ve said he’s not in the right place for that to happen yet.

Do you think he would maybe benefit from counselling?

I've called the NatWest fraud team and they can do nothing if he is not willing to take it to the police. Apparently you don't need a signature to apply online and what she did was identity theft.

To clarify, I called anonymously to ask what the process of reporting was, which she explained. She also told me that identity theft between family members is common

And she also said in her experience someone who had taken that level of money over time and committed identity theft for such a large sum would be highly likely to so it again , and really she should be reported.