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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Speechless CF

187 replies

DrVonPatak · 31/10/2019 17:59

Warning, this will be long, as I don't want to drip feed.

Took MIL (a VERY sensible and kind person) for Halloween sweets top-up and had a cup of coffee as she seemed unusually out of sorts. I knew something was going on, as she didn't say anything about Christmas yet and usually she's majorly in Polar Express mode by now, but I thought I'll let her come out with it herself.

Turns out her SIL, FIL's brother's second wife is throwing tantrums about the will of FIL's father, who died in 2013. The story goes: he had dementia for quite some time and was mostly cared for by my DH's cousin and his wife and the cousin was the apple of the old gentleman's eye, first grandson etc. Everyone pitched in, of course, but the general consensus was that the pair took the brunt of it. When the grandfather passed away, he left the house to the pair, which nobody had any objection to.

To cousin's credit, he and his wife decided to sell the house and split the proceedings four ways between the 4 cousins. After all the taxes and expenses, it was just about enough for a 4 deposits for very modest help to buys up north, one of which was later sold for a move to Australia. Of course, everyone was very grateful.

Just after the funeral, the aunt and uncle announced the divorce. At the time nobody knew, but there was an OW around. There was some dust blown up about it, but as I met DH shortly afterwards, I wasn't much acquainted with the details.

Fast forward 6 years and the uncle and the stepaunt live with her 2 children, older of which is about to start secondary school next year. Apparently, now she wants all the inheritance pulled back together and split 6 ways so her DC can go to a private school. This is despite the local secondary being one of the best in the region. PILs tried to explain that even 6 years ago the amount split 4 ways would maybe be enough for one year in the nearby mediocre private school and that the DC are better off in the state one anyhow. But no, she wants the inheritance PLUS our paid mortgages split 6 ways.

PIL, normally a very calm and sensible man, threw a fit and declared he's not having them under his roof until she comes to her senses. She had the brass neck to suggest that, as the will wasn't followed to the letter, her DC should have their share too.

This is despite the cousin having 3 young dc himself now, his sister having bought a house in Australia with it, BIL and his wife expecting their first in spring and DH and myself facing paying for private IVF soon, once his leukaemia doctor gives the green light.

Nope, she's having none of the reasonings, her DH is stuck between the rock and the hard place and MIL is in a state over the rift in the family (this alone would be enough to send me on a warpath). I keep telling her that her SIL hasn't a leg to stand on as the DC weren't his DGC, but she's quite upset about it all, quite understandably so.

Sorry, I know this wasn't strictly an AIBU, but I needed to vent. I'm outraged. How can people be so thoughtless???

OP posts:
MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 31/10/2019 22:26

I don’t think I’ve read anything as jaw-droppingly cheeky as that on here in a long time.

She is absolutely fucking deranged.

Sounds like they’re pretty much cut off from the rest of the family now anyway. No great loss.

Do you have to see her much? Could you have a word? Tell her the inheritance was absolutely nothing to do with her and the money was a gift?

Definitely CF of the year. 🏆

Celticrose · 31/10/2019 22:31

So if the cousin hadn't gifted part of his inheritance (as in the inheritance belonged to him and it was his money to deal with in whatever way he so wished ie he could have given it to charity) to his sister and cousins would his stepmother have then demanded he give her DC a share of the money.

Well she can rant all she likes but she doesn't have any legal right to this money. Maybe she's hoping if she creates enough of a stink that you all will back down to keep the peace. I'd advise her not to hold her breath.

Lucked · 31/10/2019 22:34

I think all you can do for PIL is tell them to redirect all queries to yourself as they themselves did not receive any inheritance. I think I would quite relish telling this woman were to go and the opportunity to laugh in her face.

DrVonPatak · 31/10/2019 22:43

Well, I think I'll just stick to MIL and provide what support I can. I will be mentioning the united front thing on the family chat group, may the guys can rally around, take the uncle out for a pint and talk some sense into him.

Do you know, people can talk about mumsnet being this and that, but it's unparalleled when you need to bounce some ideas around to see if your head is screwed on the right way round. I really appreciate the support tonight.

OP posts:
madeyemoodysmum · 31/10/2019 22:49

She must be amazing in bed for the dh to put up with this shit!!!

Astonished

Penners99 · 01/11/2019 06:24

She MUST be on glue!

CoraPirbright · 01/11/2019 08:32

Lucky MIL to have you as a lovely DIL! Yes do help her, poor woman but also I would say that the inheriting cousin also needs support. Forgive me if I am wrong here but I imagine from his course of action (looking after grandpa, selling his inheritance and splitting it) that he is an incredibly kind, generous and fair person? Just the sort of person that a harpy like this woman will harangue until she gets her way! Make sure he knows you all have his back and he is not to back down, not one iota!

MissMarpletheMurderer · 01/11/2019 08:50

I've voted yabu because..

1.Unreasonable to be worried if this was is all correct and especially ur for you dmil to be worrying about Christmas. The person causing the issue is evidently a CF and until uncle sees sense no one should worry about the pair of them.

  1. And this is my real feelings you are bu to worry about the issues described as it is so unbelievable, in fact too unbelievable which makes me think it's all smoke and mirrors, so actually you should be concerned about what she is actually trying to get (mil to give them some inheritance?. Another grandparent /family member .. I don't know what but I smell rat)
MissMarpletheMurderer · 01/11/2019 09:01

Apologies about my lack of basic English and Grammar, I was multitasking badly

insanepizza · 01/11/2019 09:03

She obviously has t got a leg to stand in legally. She's seriously one of the most entitled people I've ever heard of. Ridiculous.

SuperMeerkat · 01/11/2019 09:15

So she basically wants loads of people to give her money that they’ve already spent 🤦‍♀️

CMOTDibbler · 01/11/2019 09:23

And I thought it was bad when my brother complained that my great aunt (who he had never met) chose to leave her money to my son and brothers son equally in trust (she had met mine a few times, never met brothers) as they intended to have another child. Not that there was another one, or that his wife was even pregnant at the time DGAunt died, but he felt the estate should be split three ways as they wanted another child and it wouldn't be fair...

OoohRhubarbLetsGo · 01/11/2019 09:45

She is clearly delusional if she thinks she has any legal or moral rights here.

The best course of action could be to keep supporting your in-laws, in particular the cousin who originally inherited. He probably feels under tremendous pressure from his father and stepmother, and needs to know that the rest of the family have his back.

DrVonPatak · 01/11/2019 10:02

@MissMarpletheMurderer

I can appreciate that family structure/interactions may seem a bit out of the ordinary, I admit they are, but you have to take into account that they/we had to deal with some really shitty situations in the past (the dementia, SILs mcs (but they've made it past 12 weeks now 🤞), my husband's leukaemia etc.) Some families break over it, for us it brought us closer and closer together. Maybe that's why rocking the boat is seen as so shocking by all of us. Anyhow, if you're thinking it's all smoke and mirrors, you are perfectly entitled to your opinion, however it is what it is, and I'm grateful for the support I received here.

OP posts:
SchadenfiendeUnmortified · 01/11/2019 10:03

I would say that the inheriting cousin also needs support. Forgive me if I am wrong here but I imagine from his course of action (looking after grandpa, selling his inheritance and splitting it) that he is an incredibly kind, generous and fair person? Just the sort of person that a harpy like this woman will harangue until she gets her way! Make sure he knows you all have his back and he is not to back down, not one iota!

Agree with Cora here - the poor cousin is possibly wishing he'd never even heard of the inheritance. Still - no good deed goes unpunished . . .

CMOT - you wonder what goes through some people's minds, don't you.

I can see the will now :

"And to my unborn, possibly never-to-be-conceived great-great niece or nephew, I leave an equal share of my estate, just on the off-chance that my great-nephew and his wife decide they fancy another infant. In fact, make it two shares, just in case it's twins . . . "

onthecoins · 01/11/2019 10:05

Gobsmacked.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 01/11/2019 11:06

@DrVonPatak - I think you've read @MissMarpletheMurderer's message wrongly. She's not saying she doesn't believe you, but that she doesn't believe that the CF thinks she's being reasonable in her demands, but is making this an issue to hide her true objective, and that you don't all get so embroiled in this that she manages to slip something else past you.

DrVonPatak · 01/11/2019 11:24

Ah, in that case, my apologies, @MissMarpletheMurderer. As I'm sure you can imagine, things are a bit crazy right now

OP posts:
BlouseAndSkirt · 01/11/2019 11:54

May batshit ‘families should share ‘ woman will share any maintenance or house equity she got from the split with her kids’ Dad?

Has she had an inheritance in the past that she is now willing to divvy up amongst her new family?

I would encourage the whole family to maintain a distant and amused distance, encourage her to seek the view of a solicitor, and just leave them to stew.

It would be good, as Pps said, to support the cousin and his DW. Is your MIL close to her nephew?

It is utterly aggravating and ridiculous but it is very hard to cure the stupid, so I would just get on with enjoying family life amongst those who are behaving well.

Patroclus · 01/11/2019 13:41

Once upon a time (infact not so long ago), morons were to be ignored outright. Now it seems they receive consideration for anything (including running countries)

MissConductUS · 01/11/2019 14:40

Money drives a lot of people a bit bonkers, but expecting to share an inheritance from someone you never met and who didn't put you in their will sets a new record. I think you have an Olympic level CF on your hands.

CallmeAngelina · 01/11/2019 16:59

expecting to share an inheritance from someone you never met and who didn't put you in their will ... and whose estate was distributed years ago, to the satisfaction of everyone at the time!
How on earth could that money be clawed back, even if anyone thought it was a good idea?
She's crackers. It would almost be amusing if it wasn't for the fact that your lovely mil is upset by it.

Ferretyone · 01/11/2019 17:29

I would be tempted to get a solicitor to write to her setting out how things are legally! That it cannot be done!

@DrVonPatak

Stressedout10 · 01/11/2019 17:51

Just a thought but could this be a ploy to alienate the family especially her dsc so she can have bil write a will leaving everything to her dc, it only being fair since they were "done out of their fair share "

It's something to consider

Apolloanddaphne · 01/11/2019 17:53

She is deluded if she thinks she is goi g to see any of that money.