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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want DP to attend my graduation

405 replies

TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 11:59

Been with DP (actually DF) for 4 years.
Last year after many years of working part time to suit family life and look after my DCs I decided to do an MSc to try and get a proper career.
I worked my bum off doing a full time masters, working and looking after my DCs and it paid off because I got a Distinction and the highest grade in my year group.

It was so hard going back to uni in my 30s and juggling family life, so I’m really proud of my achievement.

My graduation ceremony is in January and I really want my mum and my DP to attend. Problem is it is the same day as DP’s 15th birthday.
This day is midweek and the ceremony is at 5pm. DP has booked this day off work so he can drop and pick up DSD from school (she is not aware of this btw).
The date is a Tuesday and we have his DCs the whole weekend before with them going home on the Sunday night.

He has said he won’t attend my graduation because of DSD’s birthday. Trust me she won’t be bothered whether she sees him in the evening or not, she’s celebrating with her mum so he will literally be picking her up from school and dropping her home. No dinner or celebratory event or anything.

He can’t do both as my ceremony is in the next city to us and an hour’s drive in rush hour traffic and he won’t budge on this.
I suggested him having her overnight on the Monday so he can see her on the morning if her birthday but he will not budge and is saying he is going to do her school runs.

AIBU to be incredibly hurt by this? I have worked so hard and wanted to celebrate with him and be supported by him, just this once. I did my degree to make all of our lives better and my new increased wage means we can buy a nice family home together.

I wish, just once, he would prioritise me and my feelings. I want him to put his kids first, but surely some things are up for negotiation? DSD and I have a wonderful relationship and if I mentioned this to her she would tell him to come to the graduation ceremony, I know she wouldn’t mind at all.

This is a repeating pattern though with DP where he excessively “puts his DDs first”, even when it isn’t necessary. Honestly I’m close to tears at his attitude towards this.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 30/10/2019 16:50

Congratulations!!

He is being a Dick he isn't interested in even considering compromises. He is showing you how unimportant you are it matters hugely to you and he doesn't give a shiny shit.

I would be reconsidering getting married because this pattern will repeat itself time and time again...

sheshootssheimplores · 30/10/2019 17:04

Anyway, aside from this event what is he like the rest of the time? There has to be another agenda at play from him here and I think we need a big drip feed so we can tell you to LTB 😜

TheGoodEnoughWife · 30/10/2019 17:07

Here we have...

Wouldn't be bothered, doesn't know and may make other plans (the DD)

Really does care, would mean a lot to her for her DF to be there (the OP)

In this situation it is perfectly okay to put the OP first - surely people can see that?

The mantra of 'children come first' is silly and needless. When children NEED to come first then they do obviously but in this case the child doesn't NEED to come first.

None of this matters though because the Dad already knows this but is using 'children come first' as an excuse.

sniffingthewax · 30/10/2019 17:08

I haven't RTFT but it really doesn't sound as if he wants to attend your graduation any way. I wouldn't go to anyone's graduation other than my dc's, they are so boring.

Well done OP, congratulations on your hard work paying off.

Belindabelle · 30/10/2019 17:09

He doesn't even know if his daughter is available after school as he has not mentioned this to her yet. What if she has made plans with friends to go out after school. Or her mum is collecting her to go out and celebrate with family.

OP I hope you have a fantastic day with your mum and children.

I would be really worried about marrying someone who thought so little of me. I am sorry. I am really laid back but I could not let this go without trying to find out what the real reason was.

If he is unwilling to be there for the good times I would worry he would be un supportive during the bad.

dididrogba · 30/10/2019 17:14

OP he sounds like an arse.

When I graduated with my masters, my boyfriend at the time who I had been with for 6 months, travelled down from Scotland to London in his OWN birthday so he could spend the day at the graduation. He was also a manual worker who had never been to a graduation, but he knew it was important to me.

Your dps DD is not going to want to be collected from school.

Sounds like an arse. Jealous and wrapped up in his own wants. Or majorly scared his ex will use this as a stick to beat him with?

sniffingthewax · 30/10/2019 17:17

Why can’t he show me he loves me too? They don’t have to cancel each other out

I've just RTFT and your DP has made it very clear that in this instance he doesn't want to show you he loves you. I think the dd's birthday is a red herring, he just cba to go to your graduation. Think very carefully about getting a mortgage with this man.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/10/2019 17:19

OP, why don't you ask him what the real reason is. It's not his daughter's birthday, he's seeing her for breakfast and he could even see her after the graduation.

I personally think that he doesn't want to attend this. It's a huge event for you but actually, graduation ceremonies aren't important to all people even if actually graduating with the qualification is. I'm not trying to be mean about it but I didn't attend either of mine, I hated the idea. I attended my mother's though because she was fizzing over with excitement and pride, just like you. It's lovely to see that but I think you're in danger of putting a huge dampener on your own celebration by making its success so dependent on your partner's thrall of it.

I agree with PP that you should think about your lifestyles in relation to a future together. I'm not sure that you'll get over this if you don't get your own way. I understand your disappointment but don't let him ruin it for you; a disinterested guest isn't going to give you any sort of thrill.

Molteni · 30/10/2019 17:20

It’s just a graduation ceremony. Nothing special, especially if you’re in your thirties. I consistently avoided attending; apart from the last one but that was simply because my grandparents insisted. I would have rather been somewhere else. His daughter is more important.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/10/2019 17:24

That's just unkind, Molteni. For some people, the ceremony is important and the OP has said that for her, it is. You could at least acknowledge that.

saraclara · 30/10/2019 17:25

When children NEED to come first then they do obviously but in this case the child doesn't NEED to come first

That.

If I'd seen my daughter for a celebration the night before and had a special birthday breakfast with her, and she had plans that didn't involve me for the evening, I wouldn't put a ten minute car ride that she wasn't expecting or needing, before my partner's needs.
And I'll do anything for my daughters, like most mothers.

RandomMess · 30/10/2019 17:25

Self funding and getting an MSc Distinction with 2DC is a huge achievement. If it were easy tens of thousands of others would have them!

TheGoodEnoughWife · 30/10/2019 17:27

How rude @Molteni

saraclara · 30/10/2019 17:30

@Molteni is simply stealth boasting about her many degrees.

aatwi · 30/10/2019 17:31

I think he is in the wrong. Yes, his DD is important, but 15 is old enough to understand that she has a birthday every year but you only graduate once. DP should be there for you. IMO you should be priority in this case

RopeBrick · 30/10/2019 17:33

Wow, YANBU, I can't believe the responses on here! I would be incredibly hurt if my partner did this to me.

ParisInTheSpringtime · 30/10/2019 17:35

Molteni is simply stealth boasting about her many degrees.

Nothing stealthy about it.

Cocolapew · 30/10/2019 17:37

It's important to the op though. My DDs was important to us as well as her because she worked incredibly hard to get it.
So what if it's boring? You cant be happy, or be bothered, for someone you love and sit still for an hour?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/10/2019 17:38

I don't think having multiple degrees is necessarily boast-worthy, saraclara, many people do, it's really not uncommon.

I don't disagree with Molteni about graduation ceremonies not being up there with 'best day of my life', the difference is that the OP feels that this is hugely important to her and by that token, anybody who loves her should be there, supporting. Even though I would not like that myself, I get that she wants that - and she should have it.

AskMeHow · 30/10/2019 17:40

*I can't believe what I am reading from some of you.

She is 15 not 5. He has never picked her up from school on her birthday before. Why start now. Why not on her 13th. Why did he not do the same in April for his other daughter?

It is an excuse to get out of his obligation to the OP and I would need to know why before I married him*

Agree very much with this. It looks like he doesn't actually want to go to your graduation and SD's birthday is a convenient excuse. If it wasn't that, it would be something else.

ActualHornist · 30/10/2019 17:41

What I wanted for my 15th was present and then time with my friends. I would have been completely Confused had a parent suggested taking time off to spend with me. Unless their plan was to spend money on me!

YANBU I don’t think, this could be so easily resolved by asking his daughter what her plans are for her birthday. Especially as he’s taking her out for breakfast.

Anothernotherone · 30/10/2019 17:43

Having multiple degrees means you picked the wrong subject and keep career changing in my case. I have a 1st class bachelor's degree and a master's with distinction but am currently almost finished with another undergraduate degree in a vocational subject I'm actually using now. Luckily I got all of them funded and worked while studying, but it's still more a sign of being indecisive than anything else!

Northernsoullover · 30/10/2019 17:45

YANBU and congratulations on your Masters.

Anothernotherone · 30/10/2019 17:45

My 14 year old would be Hmm at being randomly fetched from school and delivered somewhere. I sometimes offer to pick her up but she prefers to get the bus with her friends. Being picked up is embarrassing unless it's for a medical appointment.

Chimpfield · 30/10/2019 17:48

It would be a deal breaker for me....... he should attend after your huge achievement...... some of the people on here are unreal.....