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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want DP to attend my graduation

405 replies

TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 11:59

Been with DP (actually DF) for 4 years.
Last year after many years of working part time to suit family life and look after my DCs I decided to do an MSc to try and get a proper career.
I worked my bum off doing a full time masters, working and looking after my DCs and it paid off because I got a Distinction and the highest grade in my year group.

It was so hard going back to uni in my 30s and juggling family life, so I’m really proud of my achievement.

My graduation ceremony is in January and I really want my mum and my DP to attend. Problem is it is the same day as DP’s 15th birthday.
This day is midweek and the ceremony is at 5pm. DP has booked this day off work so he can drop and pick up DSD from school (she is not aware of this btw).
The date is a Tuesday and we have his DCs the whole weekend before with them going home on the Sunday night.

He has said he won’t attend my graduation because of DSD’s birthday. Trust me she won’t be bothered whether she sees him in the evening or not, she’s celebrating with her mum so he will literally be picking her up from school and dropping her home. No dinner or celebratory event or anything.

He can’t do both as my ceremony is in the next city to us and an hour’s drive in rush hour traffic and he won’t budge on this.
I suggested him having her overnight on the Monday so he can see her on the morning if her birthday but he will not budge and is saying he is going to do her school runs.

AIBU to be incredibly hurt by this? I have worked so hard and wanted to celebrate with him and be supported by him, just this once. I did my degree to make all of our lives better and my new increased wage means we can buy a nice family home together.

I wish, just once, he would prioritise me and my feelings. I want him to put his kids first, but surely some things are up for negotiation? DSD and I have a wonderful relationship and if I mentioned this to her she would tell him to come to the graduation ceremony, I know she wouldn’t mind at all.

This is a repeating pattern though with DP where he excessively “puts his DDs first”, even when it isn’t necessary. Honestly I’m close to tears at his attitude towards this.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 15:35

And yet it's important to him
This is my point. I (and my happiness) should be important to him too.
He is picking his wants over my happiness.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 30/10/2019 15:36

Can't believe so many people have said YABU OP, totally disagree. There's a difference between putting his kids first and prioritising events. He's not even doing any celebrating with his DD, just giving her a lift from school. He's being ridiculous and uncaring imo. YADNBU imo

Also, I'm sure his DD would rather a second celebration for her birthday with him at the weekend rather than a lift home from school on the day of

AryaStarkWolf · 30/10/2019 15:36

also, congrats to you

Lovemenorca · 30/10/2019 15:38

@northernspirit

Just going to take a wild punt here

You are a step mother and don’t have any biological children?

MumW · 30/10/2019 15:46

I agree with you, his children are his priority and your children are his, but that doesn't mewn they always trump your relationship. It is something that should be discussed and considered on a situation by situation basis. In this instance I'd say your Graduation is more important. It's not as if it's an 18th and he would have to miss an entire party.

I think you need to think long and hard about whether you are happy to marry. These last minute cancellations to accommodate his ex's plans aren't going to suddenly go away. This isn't about the graduation so much as about your DP's willingness to put boundaries in place that prevent the ex from trampling all over you.

Are you planning to have children together? Will his older DC always come before yo6r jount DC?

Blended families take a lot of balancing and compromise - do you think your DP gets this because it sounds to me that you are having doubts.

Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 15:48

@Lovemenorca that’s sweet you’d have loved it, but honestly my SD won’t give a single shit 😂
She sees her dad all the time (more since we’ve been together actually).
DP also hasn’t cleared this with her mum either, any of it. She might want to do something with her anyway.

OP posts:
Belindabelle · 30/10/2019 15:49

What she said^^^

Lovemenorca · 30/10/2019 15:52

Ok - so you’re with a man who is not that bothered about you.

Whatcha going do?

Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 15:54

@MumW I already have 2 DCs, certainly not planning to have more.
I feel like I compromise a lot to try and keep everyone happy and I’m shocked to see he won’t do the same

OP posts:
Belindabelle · 30/10/2019 15:55

My children are 21 and 14. Unless I was picking them up in a helicopter they would not be interested. How does she normally get home from school? Like you say maybe her mother has plans to pick her and some friend up to take them out.

Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 15:58

@Belindabelle she normally gets the bus with her friends

OP posts:
Belindabelle · 30/10/2019 16:00

This is a graduation which is a celebration and a fun event. What if you were having a scan or getting medical results or had to go to court or attend a funeral? Would he come and support you in those circumstances do you think?

minesagin37 · 30/10/2019 16:07

His dd comes first. Sorry but as a step parent you will need to get used to that.

Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 16:08

@minesagin37 why? He’s a stepparent too but I don’t put him at the bottom of the priority list

OP posts:
Derbee · 30/10/2019 16:09

He sounds like his heart is in the right place. Can’t you sit sown calmly and discuss things? You could even frame it in a way where his DD can make the decision for him? Something like “It’s very sweet of you to want to see DD on her birthday. You will be doing this with breakfast etc. It will only really be the car ride to her mums house that you will be getting, and you’ll be missing out on a ceremony that means a lot to me. So let’s ask DSD if she minds you coming to my graduation, and we can enjoy her celebrations on the weekend/breakfast”.

minesagin37 · 30/10/2019 16:10

Kids are kids op. A parent would prioritise them. Take your mum or why don't you ask her if she wants to attend too?

Derbee · 30/10/2019 16:12

What a complete and utter twat waffle. I hope he drops his DD off and then his car breaks down. And then some other car drives past him through a puddle and soaks him

This poster sounds pathetically immature, and I can only assume doesn’t have a grown up complex relationship. I think it should be admired and respected that he’s so interested in his children. Nobody is perfect, and it’s not always easy to navigate children/partners without getting it wrong sometimes. Doesn’t mean he’s a twat at all. And it doesn’t mean you are either. Adult relationships are complex and often need open discussion

AndAnotherNameChanger · 30/10/2019 16:12

Yanbu. He's making it clear he doesn't think of you as family. Take your DC and have a fantastic celebration without him - with the people who actually care about you.

Congratulations on your fantastic achievement

Belindabelle · 30/10/2019 16:17

I can't believe what I am reading from some of you.

She is 15 not 5. He has never picked her up from school on her birthday before. Why start now. Why not on her 13th. Why did he not do the same in April for his other daughter?

It is an excuse to get out of his obligation to the OP and I would need to know why before I married him.

Rumboogie · 30/10/2019 16:19

You have worked very hard and acheived superbly. You have one graduation to celebrate and recognise this. His DC will have many more birthdays. He should really go with you, with his DCs blessing.

Like other posters I wonder if you should reconsider your relationship as he seems unable to make sensible compromises.

AryaStarkWolf · 30/10/2019 16:25

I can't believe what I am reading from some of you.

She is 15 not 5. He has never picked her up from school on her birthday before. Why start now. Why not on her 13th. Why did he not do the same in April for his other daughter?

It is an excuse to get out of his obligation to the OP and I would need to know why before I married him.

Unfortunately that's what it sounds like. It's a car ride in the afternoon, not a party, not his only opportunity to see or speak to his DD on that day..............it's an excuse

Cocolapew · 30/10/2019 16:27

Posters going on about how important this 10 minute car ride is are probably the same ones who throw tantrums if their birthdays aren't special enough Hmm.
Also why is not being academic an excuse? He isn't going to be asked to sit an exam at it. Watch the presentation, clap, get photos and go for a meal. It's not rocket science.
Congratulations btw Smile

yearinyearout · 30/10/2019 16:27

IceCreamandCandyFloss four years is hardly a new partner!
OP I'm with you on this, he has the option to have her overnight before her birthday and take her to school, I see no reason why that isn't acceptable if she's celebrating with her mum anyway later that day. I think at the very least he should run it past his daughter and see if she would be happy with those plans.
Congratulations on your achievement!

yearinyearout · 30/10/2019 16:29

If he won't do that, the least he could do would be to drop her home, then drive over to you and take you out for a lovely meal after the ceremony.

PennyGold · 30/10/2019 16:46

YANBU I'd be furious.
He should be at your graduation