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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want DP to attend my graduation

405 replies

TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 11:59

Been with DP (actually DF) for 4 years.
Last year after many years of working part time to suit family life and look after my DCs I decided to do an MSc to try and get a proper career.
I worked my bum off doing a full time masters, working and looking after my DCs and it paid off because I got a Distinction and the highest grade in my year group.

It was so hard going back to uni in my 30s and juggling family life, so I’m really proud of my achievement.

My graduation ceremony is in January and I really want my mum and my DP to attend. Problem is it is the same day as DP’s 15th birthday.
This day is midweek and the ceremony is at 5pm. DP has booked this day off work so he can drop and pick up DSD from school (she is not aware of this btw).
The date is a Tuesday and we have his DCs the whole weekend before with them going home on the Sunday night.

He has said he won’t attend my graduation because of DSD’s birthday. Trust me she won’t be bothered whether she sees him in the evening or not, she’s celebrating with her mum so he will literally be picking her up from school and dropping her home. No dinner or celebratory event or anything.

He can’t do both as my ceremony is in the next city to us and an hour’s drive in rush hour traffic and he won’t budge on this.
I suggested him having her overnight on the Monday so he can see her on the morning if her birthday but he will not budge and is saying he is going to do her school runs.

AIBU to be incredibly hurt by this? I have worked so hard and wanted to celebrate with him and be supported by him, just this once. I did my degree to make all of our lives better and my new increased wage means we can buy a nice family home together.

I wish, just once, he would prioritise me and my feelings. I want him to put his kids first, but surely some things are up for negotiation? DSD and I have a wonderful relationship and if I mentioned this to her she would tell him to come to the graduation ceremony, I know she wouldn’t mind at all.

This is a repeating pattern though with DP where he excessively “puts his DDs first”, even when it isn’t necessary. Honestly I’m close to tears at his attitude towards this.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/10/2019 17:49

Anothernotherone, sorry but that's tosh. You may be indecisive, some of us are not. I have a maths-based degree and a science-based masters. Not unusual in my field or probably any other.

It's possible to understand where the OP is coming from without dismissing other posters or overusing/mis-using this.

Dishwashersaurous · 30/10/2019 17:54

Surely people are arguing that the children should be prioritised because the parents are separated and they don’t get to live with both their parents.

Anothernotherone · 30/10/2019 17:55

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe that's two though, which whilst technically multiple as in more than one isn't what most people mean by multiple.

If you have a linear progression of increasingly advanced degrees you just refer to the most advanced (the post doc or doctorate or the masters) - you don't refer to yourself as having multiple degrees. Multiple degrees suggests someone with a scattergun effect of multiple undergraduate or Masters degrees in diverse disciplines.

Anothernotherone · 30/10/2019 18:01

Dishwashersaurous it's a red herring here though given he didn't book the day off to see his younger DD, whom he also didn't live with, on her birthday and is seeing his turning 15 dd on her birthday morning. He's also prioritising a lift home from school to her mum's - something she doesn't know is planned and probably won't be bothered about.

pompomcat · 30/10/2019 18:02

YANBU OP. I agree with you, & would be gutted too. I did a Masters whilst working full time but with no kids so have some idea how hard it is, huge congratulations to you for completing it and for doing so well. It is a big deal.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/10/2019 18:04

I have 2 masters. Should I write MSc2?

This is derailing the OP's thread nicely though, isn't it? It's not a competition to see who has the most worthy gongs.

Sparkletastic · 30/10/2019 18:04

I don't think it's even really about his DD's birthday. He just doesn't think it is important or is trying to knock you down a peg or two perhaps due to feeling threatened. But the damage is done. You could talk to DSD and she'd probably tell him to go to your graduation. But that wouldn't change the fact that he didn't really want to.

Dishwashersaurous · 30/10/2019 18:07

Agreed he sounds like an arse

But generally on the step parent threads there is a lack of awareness that as a separated parent they have to do better and be more available than a living with parent to compensate

Alsohuman · 30/10/2019 18:07

Congratulations on your massive achievement @TheFatherSonAndHolyToast. I think right is entirely on your side. Your partner’s priorities are completely skewed.

FizzyGreenWater · 30/10/2019 18:10

The whole graduation thing is a red herring though really.

The Thing That Has Happened is that OP has finally been given a real wake-up call on how important her feelings are, and how important SHE is, to this man. Sounds like there have been times and times and times where she's taken a back seat and fair enough, because his kids/his job/his friends, whatever.

But today, it's been a toss up between him being there for her on one of the most important days of her life, to celebrate an achievement to which she's dedicated huge time, and has REALLY excelled, with the background also being that one of the reasons she's gone through with all of it is to provide (as she says) a better life for all of them, him included.

And guess what. He's told her it's more important that he picks his DD up from school for 10 mins, which might not even happen as of yet, which the DD probably might not want, when they'll have done all the celebrating already AND he'll have seen her that morning on her actual birthday too and done the same journey. It couldn't be a less significant reason to bail from the most signficant event of OP's recent history.

This thread is about OP waking up and realising that her P doesn't give much of a fuck about her.

Stephminx · 30/10/2019 18:12

I sit on the fence with this one.

I also went back to do my masters in my late 30’s. I was working full time too, with one child, and ended up writing my dissertation whilst throwing up with horrific morning sickness. I graduated with great results. It was an achievement, but I do not know anyone on my course who actually bothered to attend the graduation (although I have other post grad qualifications so this would have been my 4th graduation, I have only actually been to 2). They are horrific, long boring ceremonies that are dreadful for everyone, guest or participant.

I understand you have said you want to go... great. But your DF does not want to. He wants to spend the day seeing his daughter on her birthday and the timings of this conflict with your event.

Irrespective of whether you agree or not, he feels seeing his daughter on her birthday is important - he might feel guilty about not seeing her every day, he might realise she’s growing up and he won’t have too many left while she’s a child (and 15 is still a child), who knows. But it’s important to him. And while it might embarrass her I look back on all the times my mum and dad embarrassed me and I’m grateful and love them even more for it. Because they showed they cared. It is important.

I know you keep saying why should his wants trump yours, but the converse is also true... why should your wants trump his ?

I’m also not sure why you are posting to ask if you are being unreasonable, but then arguing with the people who say you are. Do you just want validation for your position ?

You do have a right to be upset that he’s not attending, but I’m not sure you have a right to demand he attends or pitch a fit when he can’t / won’t.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 30/10/2019 18:16

He wants to spend the day seeing his daughter on her birthday and the timings of this conflict with your event.
10 minutes

he feels seeing his daughter on her birthday is important
Not last year and not for his other daughter - do you really not believe the birthday is just an excuse as he doesn't want to support the OP?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/10/2019 18:16

Totally agree, FizzyGreenWater. That's exactly the crux of the issue. A sad realisation dawning for the OP but better now than later...

Mummyshark2018 · 30/10/2019 18:26

@Sparkletastic I don't think it's even really about his DD's birthday. He just doesn't think it is important or is trying to knock you down a peg or two perhaps due to feeling threatened. But the damage is done. You could talk to DSD and she'd probably tell him to go to your graduation. But that wouldn't change the fact that he didn't really want to.

Totally agree with this. You and your achievements are just not important to him. Of course a dc birthday is important but she's 15, not 10. She would understand especially if he made it up to her!
I would not marry a man you treated me like this.

AlexaAmbidextra · 30/10/2019 18:30

All these posters who are adamant that children must come first, no matter what demonstrate why there are so many badly behaved, entitled little monsters around everywhere you go.

U2HasTheEdge · 30/10/2019 18:32

Well bloody done OP! Congratulations Thanks

I don't know how anyone can think you are being unreasonable. She is 15, old enough to understand and by the sounds of it she won't care and he can see her and attend your ceremony.

He simply doesn't want to go. When I graduate next year I know my husband will find it boring. With his awful social anxiety I have no doubt the day will be really difficult for him . But he will be there, because he knows how hard I am working and how much it will mean to me.

I would certainly be having doubts about marrying a man who is making excuses to not attend something hugely important to me.

I am sorry he is being such an arsehole OP Thanks.

Alsohuman · 30/10/2019 18:33

Absobloodylutely @AlexaAmbidextra.

Cohle · 30/10/2019 18:35

Your degree is an enormous achievement. But you're an adult and should be able to recognise that your partner is still very proud of you even if you have to celebrate together on another day.

His child's birthday is more important. You need to be the mature one here and recognise that his child comes first.

EggysMom · 30/10/2019 18:48

Let it go this time and take your DD to your graduation instead. But remember what he did, and see what else happens in the next three months, particularly over the January event. Be prepared for an awakening at the end of January and a cancelled wedding.

EggysMom · 30/10/2019 18:49

But you're an adult and should be able to recognise that your partner is still very proud of you even if you have to celebrate together on another day

That's the whole point. He doesn't appear to be proud of her. He is minimising her achievement, and prioritising ten minutes with his 15yo daughter.

NearlyGranny · 30/10/2019 18:58

At 15, DP's DD will easily understand the significance of the achievement. OP, what would happen if you chatted to her and explained what's happening at the graduation? Then you could say how amazing it is that it coincides with her birthday and say what a shame it is that he can't be in two places at once, celebrating both events.

See what she says. See what she expects. Plan a special time out together on a different day to mark her birthday.

See what she says to her DF.

Flush out his true feelings. I don't think he feels good about your achievement. I think he may be a bit narrow, threatened and jealous.

Original poster
TheFatherSonAndHolyToast · 30/10/2019 19:12

His child's birthday is more important
But it’s not. It’s a birthday, one of many and the same as her previous 14.
This is one day that won’t happen again and can’t be moved.

I know you keep saying why should his wants trump yours, but the converse is also true... why should your wants trump his?

Because it’s a one-off event I really want him to attend, unlike, you know, having a birthday Hmm I literally never ask anything of him that’s why. Once, just once, I think I should be put first because of these particular set of circumstances.

OP posts:
applesandacorns · 30/10/2019 19:18

YANBU. The daughter is 15, old enough to understand that dad might have to delay birthday celebrations for a few days to attend a once-in-a-lifetime event (assuming OP has no plans to do a PhD) for his partner.

underneaththeash · 30/10/2019 19:24

I'm a bit on the fence with this one....you'll be able to defer your graduation ceremony if you like (they'll be another date later in the year for people that can't attend the first), but it's not that important for a 15th birthday and it strikes me as he thinks that your achievement is less important.

Daaps · 30/10/2019 19:31

Yanbu. If she was under 10 or it was his contact day or he always picked his dcs up on their birthdays then perhaps, but...he just can’t be arsed. I sort of get it, because graduations aren’t that much fun, but when I graduated from my second degree in middle age my family made a proper effort to meet up on the day for a celebratory dinner and it meant the world to me. I’ll never forget it.